I welcome everyone’s advice, thoughts, opinions, etc. on the following. To make a long story as short as possible, my wife informed me a few years ago that she had an affair with a former boss. She only admitted it because he was trying to blackmail her into lying in court to help him with some legal problems. She claims she had sex with him willingly at first but then it became an intimidation thing that went on for two years because she was not strong enough mentally to stop it. I agreed to help her get out of this legal mess.
I questioned her as to whether there was any possibility any of our children was not biologically mine. She said absolutely not but months later, after feeling extreme guilt, admitted that there was a possibility one of them was conceived during the affair. I have since confirmed the child in question has a different blood type than both of us, so not mine.
After much soul-searching, I made the decision to keep the family together until all the children were out of high school. I was without one of my parents growing up and just couldn’t subject my kids to that. While they have not witnessed a completely loving relationship in our home, the kids have not seen any arguments and have been provided for well.
Now the day is coming that the youngest will graduate and head off to college – and I must make a decision on whether to leave. My wife says she is deeply in love with me and wants this to work out. I cannot honestly say I am in love with her. I do care for her and care what happens to her but the pain she caused me is too deep.
I am now torn between going out to find someone to share my life and love with, which may be tough having passed my 50th birthday, and staying in this relationship which will allow the children to always have their home to come back to during breaks, holidays, etc. There is also the issue that if we get divorced that the truth will eventually come out and the child finds out I am not the biological father. I’m certain this child would be heartbroken and also try to find the other guy even though he is a total jerk.
Finally, there is a good chance I will look like the bad guy in this. Another man who reaches his middle age crisis and goes out in search of a younger woman. I say younger because I have still not decided if I want more children or not. I wanted more in this marriage but she said no, even though she knew full well there was a chance one was not mine.
I’m not expecting anyone to make decisions for me but I would like to know what you, both men and women, think of this situation. How will this all be viewed? Will another woman, especially a younger one, be interested in me (I’m fairly attractive and make good money), or am I destined to be seen as the bad guy, make enemies of my children, and spent the rest of my years in regret.
I must say I feel for you. I am so sorry this happened to you. I would take out your aggressions on your wife though not your children. Just because your child does not have the same blood type does not make him or her "not" your child anyless. You are the only father this child has ever known. Did you guys tell this child this? You see I was adopted at 6 years old after living in the foster care system for three years and my mom and dad that adopted me( although not perfect) are the only mom and dad I ever knew. I wouldn't love your wife either, but then again I have no toleration for cheaters. Both men I was in serious relationships with cheated on me and that hurts. My advice would be if you love her and you want to make the relationship work go to counseling, if you don't then divorce her yet you still need to be there for your children...ALL of your children!
First I have to say you can not go by blood type alone on figuring out if the child is yours or not. The reason I say this if blood type alone were a factor then my oldest child would not be my husband's and I have not cheated. You see I'm AB+ while DH is A+ while our oldest DS turns out to be B+. If you look at my DS you can see his father through and through. So please dont judge on blood type alone. The best way is to have DNA testing done to see if the child is yours or not. So to be all honest before you break things up and possibly look like the bad guy have a dna test to find out for sure if the child is yours or not. If it does come to light the child is not yours he/she has the right to know so they can find out medical history and see if they want to know their bio parent(jerk or not). That also gives you the option of not looking like the bad guy because if you find out the child is indeed yours you can rethink things. Or if the child turns out not to be yours then you can leave with a clean slate that you arent the bad guy,you stayed when you were cheated on and raised another man's child as your own.
As for other women wanting you I would get other things sorted out before going that way. You say you have been deeply hurt by your wife then maybe counseling to help you through that. It can hurt future relationships if you still have that hurt,it can make it hard to trust which could lead to huge problems. Make sure you yourself are doing good both emotionally and physically and once you figure out things with your current situation you can move on. If in moving on that means another woman you will be able to deal with the relationship in a healthy loving way.
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Married 3/25/95
DS 13 yr
DS 8 yr (3+ yrs ttc)
TTC #3 since 01/02
I think you need confirmation through DNA, which should be able to be done discreetly since the child is still in your home.
I do not think you will be seen as the bad guy, no matter what you decide so long as you do whatever you do with maturity and no lashing out.
What happened to you is beyond what most giving advice can relate to or reasonably feel. How you feel about this is your right and it is understandable.
I have no idea how your wife has acted towards you since the time the information was revealed. If she has bent over backwards, consistently, over a long period of time in a attempt to show great remorse and contrition, you may want to focus on that behavor as much as you can as opposed to the decieptful behavior.
Much of this has to do with her dedication to full responsibility and acts of remorse and only you know how she has done in that department.
As a last thought, do not spend time considering how younger women will see you. If you are reasonably attractive, good personality, sense of humor, and have a good income, you will find women who want you. That should not be your thouhts or focus right now.
I agree, the only reliable way to confirm your paternity would be through DNA testing. You just cannot rely on blood type.
But let's forget about the child being or not being yours biologically for a second. It seems that it's not so much that you weren't able to forgive your wife the affair, because you did stay with her, but that you are mostly bothered by the fact this child could possibly be not yours. How long ago was the affair? Seems like a long time ago. You are now past 50; you lived with your wife all these years, and you raised that child. Whether or not it's bilologically yours, you ARE the father. Your wife made a horrible mistake, and it was definitely most hurtful and unfair to you, but you made a choice to stay and raise the family, including this last child, as your own. YOu cannot let whatever happened 20 years ago influence the present. I"m sure you still resent your wife for cheating on you in the past, but the question is: are you happy with her now? Have you been satisfied with your marriage since that child was born? And lastly, what if DNA testing proved that the child is in fact yours? Would that change anything? Would you still want to leave? Is it about the long-burried hurt from the past affair, or is it about the child? Be honest with yourself.
I can only speak for myself and not you but if it were me I would have left when I found out, besides I dont believe what your wife told you, had she loved you as much as she said she would have co to you as YOUR WIFE and told you what was going on and stopped this before it started. Dont buy that story at all.
Thanks for all of your thoughts and advice. I have tried counseling and, for me at least, it was not a lot more helpful than just talking to folks like you on the web. He didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. Until I let go of the anger and can trust my W, there will be no true love with her again.
There is also the issue of the child finding out. I struggle all the time with this since some believe the child has a right to know for medical and other reasons, while others feel the mental anquish could be devastating. I suppose I would rather have this child hear the news from her parents than from someone else.
I don't, however, regret staying to this point. The kids have flourished in this home and I could not be happier with the way all of them turned out. If I had left, I'm not sure that would have happened.
Some are of the opinion that if you are going to leave later, you may as well leave now because the children can tell. I don't share that position. If the relationship between husband and wife is cordial and mutually helpful and supportive in the effort to raise the children, there is no doubt the children benefit from the family remaining intact. The data on this is too overwhelming to dispute. The problems in staying "for the children" arise when the parents cannot avoid outward expressions of anger and disunity. I applaud you on your dedication to assuring your children were little affected by your marriage problems.
I do not diminish your legitimate anger at your wife. You are entitled to that and it is understandable. If it is possible, I think you should allow yourself to accept it is rationally possible to fix this, even if your feelings right now cannot imagine this. You can love her again if the love was genuinely there in the first place. What your needs are from her, in order to allow yourself to start giving up the bitterness and whether she can meet those needs, is what is at issue here for moving forward.
The anger is expected - but don't fall prey to the thinking that says this is not fixable as it can be.
What would she need to do to demonstrate complete contrition and dedication to you? What would she need to do to show potential that she could be trusted to never deceive you again?
It seems to me that the affair happened a long time ago. How was your wife since the affair ended? Was she treating you well, stayed faithful, etc? Did you have any happy times with her in those years? If you were able to live with her for years and raise all your children together, why would you leave now? I know in legal terms, a crime doesn't expire just because it was committed years ago, but this is not a court of law; this is your marriage. Do you think you could find it in your heart to forgive her for what she did? Or is the resentment you've stored over the years so great that you cannot overcome it?
It sounds like this happened quite some time ago but that you did not find out unitil a few years ago, is that correct? How long since she told you about your child?
Theoretically you can find younger woman in your 50+ and have a baby. My husband is 52, we have 3 y old (I am much younger). He doesn't feel like he can phisically and financially handle another one, may be you have better health and more energy, but generally it is hard at this age.
Councelors not just help me but hurt me, people here are much better.
I would not tell the child who is his father, if he even here it from somebody you can deny it. It will be very traumotizing and you did so much for him anyway.
I truly think the first thing you need to do is as others have suggested, just for 100% proof - get a DNA test. Your daughter doesn't even need to know you're doing it, I'd look into what kind of DNA sample they would need to figure this but I believe even just hair would work.
Would you consider trying to get the DNA to be absolutely certain that this child is yours? As another poster mentioned... blood type can sometimes be misleading!
Without having a DNA test, you have no way of knowing, simply by blood type, whether this child is yours. We aren't allowed to give links, but if you search on the internet you will be able to find a blood type calculators which will allow you to key in a variety of possibilities. At least this would be a start although even they have disclaimers that "in theory" these are the possibilities but it is not concrete proof.
As for the affair, if you love her and if you feel your life would be better with her than without her, then give it time. Don't just jump ship. Give it at least a year to see if you can work through this and then make the decision. Making a major decision like this so soon after finding out, is not going to be the right decision. It will be a knee jerk reaction and you need to give it a lot of time before deciding what is best for you.
Don't just jump ship. Give it at least a year to see if you can work through this and then make the decision. Making a major decision like this so soon after finding out, is not going to be the right decision. It will be a knee jerk reaction and you need to give it a lot of time before deciding what is best for you.
It looks like he has known for a few years to this point. Appears he has had quite some time to think through the matter. He can offer exactly how long.
I do agree he need not leave just because he planned this as his likely step once all the kids were out. It can be salvaged if his wife is 110% committed and remorseful, offers what he needs to prove her dedication to forever be honest, and also accepts full responsiblity. Of course, he must want a reconciliation as well.
To me it doesnt matter how long ago it happened, how could anyone ever trust someone that has betrayed you in this matter? As a wife she should have came to you and told you what was going on and that she was being harrased if this were the case. However I believe the reason she didnt was because to her she wasnt being harrased it was consentual and was a simple case of cheating.I would go the kids are grown .
To me it doesnt matter how long ago it happened, how could anyone ever trust someone that has betrayed you in this matter? As a wife she should have came to you and told you what was going on and that she was being harrased if this were the case. However I believe the reason she didnt was because to her she wasnt being harrased it was consentual and was a simple case of cheating.I would go the kids are grown .
I think it is too strict. Life is complicated, one can be flexible and forgiving. Start with somebody else when you are 50 with kids is not easy thing to do.
I think it is too strict. Life is complicated, one can be flexible and forgiving. Start with somebody else when you are 50 with kids is not easy thing to do.
I agree. Life is not so black and white. Besides, if the wife truly regrets what she did and has been acting like a loving wife in all the years that they stayed together and raised this child, I think it would be wise to at least consider forgiving her. Looking for a new partner at 50 is definitely not easy, and dealing with the new partner's family, children, etc. would not be something I would be looking forward to.
Couple of issues to think about. Your child is going off to college. Were not talking about a 5 year old here. Your wife says she wasn"t mentally able stand up to her boss about the fact she was having sex with him. That"s your problem. She cheated, even years later she still puts a spin on her story. If she wants to show how much she loves you. It"s time to admit her role in the potential demise of your marriage and the thought of having this man"s child. Most woman know when they concieve. Obviously, safe sex wasn"t a thought. Neither was the idea of getting pregnant. Sounds like she has up to this point been more concerned about herself than anyone else.
Where is this man? Go find him. You"ll get your answers.
If this man is the child"s father. Medical history will may needed for the future. Find him for yourself and the child before it"s to late.
I'd like to commend you for your unselfish act for staying together and raising another man's child. You are a rare man indeed. Plenty of men nowadays would have walked away a long time ago.
As a single woman (I'm engaged now) If I'd met you and told me this story, which I would believe to be true, I would admire you for it and respect you immensely. You put yourself aside to raise your children and even loved the one who you know is not yours.
Doing the "right thing" is never easy.
What your wife did was pure betrayal. I would definitely feel the way you feel if it were done to me. I'm sorry I can't say much because I've never experienced nor know anyone who'd been through your situation.
Good luck. What you do from this point on, in my humble opinion, is not selfishness and wouldn't be seen as the bad guy. IMHO.
As the others have mentioned you really need a DNA test to prove that your daughter isn't your biological daughter. Don't mention anything to her till you know the results as you can't determine paternity by blood type. If she turns out to be your biological daughter than you're hurting her a lot if you tell her before hand. You can steal one of her hairs off of her comb and get it tested. Or take one of the bowls she just ate off of after supper and get it tested. Hope this helps.
I don't know what to suggest other than to figure out things for yourself. Sometimes just thinking things through helps a lot. Reflect on how your wife has been over the years since she's told you about the affair and how she is treating you. Ask yourself what you truly want as well too. You also have to consider if you still have feelings for her. It may be hard sometimes but you can forgive her if she has earned it over the years. Sorry but I don't know what to suggest other than to think it over if you're already gotten counselling and it wasn't that helpful.
