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Rondi · 01-05-2006, 03:05 PM

My husband no longer wants anything to do with my parents or my brother. This is due to my parents selling their home at below value to my brother and his wife. His wife is a stay at home mom. My husband and I work full-time and do not have children. We live in a 2 year old home that we worked hard for. My parents didn't ask my feelings about what they were going to do. Before it was finalized I found out and ask what the price was. My dad's first response was that it was not my business.
Anyway, my husband is angry that they did not consider my feelings. And he feels that they baby my brother. (I agree) He also would rather I did not have anything to do with them. He got very depressed at any thought of spending time with them at Christmas. He only agreed to go out to eat.
My birthday is this saturday. My parents want to take me out to eat. My husband doesn't want to or me to. He wants to go out of town, but my parents will still want to go out to eat next week. I love my husband and I love my parents. I feel torn in to.

goody2shuz · 01-05-2006, 03:18 PM

Hi

If your husband really loves you he should be supportive of anything that makes you happy in your life including your family. What is your feeling regarding your parents??? Do you feel the need to not see them or is to keep the peace between you & your husband??? From the little bit you describe here, your husband seems to be quite controlling and has no business alienating you from your family. It's your birthday & you should do what you would like to do. If it means celebrating with your parents separately so be it but your husband should respect the fact that your parents are part of your life and has no business alienating you from them.

And what business is it of your husband's who your parents decide to sell their house to & what price they sold it at??? I see alot of red flags here and I suggest that you let your husband know that he has no business controlling who you want to see on your birthday or otherwise.

Does you husband control other aspects of your life??? I can nly imagine how tormented you must feel. My husband has a family who are not my favorite kind of people, however, I welcome them into my heart & my home because they are his family and without them I wouldn't have him. The good thing is that they eventually go home and I am left with the best part of them!!!

Something is wrong here.....and I think it is time to let your husband know that you are not going to be placed in the position of having to choose between him & your family and if he does you will choose your family. It's time for him to grow up!!!

~ Goody

LostMyHeart · 01-05-2006, 06:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by goody2shuz

And what business is it of your husband's who your parents decide to sell their house to & what price they sold it at??? I see alot of red flags here and I suggest that you let your husband know that he has no business controlling who you want to see on your birthday or otherwise.

I couldn't agree more. Go to dinner with your parents. Tell your husband with or without him, you are going and let him decide to stay home if he wants.
This is not, in my personal opinion, anything to break up a family over.
Life is too short to get worked up over material possesions. I know all about struggling, and understand that all to well, but it's nothing to turn your back on your family about.

How do YOU feel about your family selling the house to your brother?
Do you (or should I say does your husband) know all the details here?
Did your brother already own a house that he sold to move here? Did you ever express an interest in wanting to buy it? I know it's so simple to say "well, who wouldn't want to buy a house below market value", but sometimes it could be as simple as your brother making a comment in wanting to do so to just start the ball rolling. Whereas, if you've never expressed anything in those regards, people just may not stop and think. I wouldn't go assuming it's anything personal against you - which is maybe what you should tell your husband.
Have your parents been there for you in other ways? How do you know they won't make some great gesture towards you in the future? Do you want to turn your back and risk losing that opportunity?

I know this is your husband's issue, but if any of these instances could be true, you need to discuss these things with him.
Quite personally, if it were me, I would tell him he can feel any way he wants about it, but I am not going to cut contact with my family. If he wants to do so, then go right ahead, he doesn't have to visit them, but don't try to decide my feelings for me.

I would leave it go at that and close the door to discussion. (This is of course aftered you have determined he is not willng to compromise on the issue). If you make it clear that this is your issue, not his, and that you are not bothered by it (unless you are) and aren't willing to give into his behavior, I'd imagine, given time, he will come around and let things go.
But you gotta put your foot down first.

Music4All · 01-06-2006, 03:54 AM

What your parents do with their money and property is of no business or concern of your husband. This is the core issue and you need to make that clear to him. None of his business. He has no right to make judgements on your behalf as to what it means or doesn'e mean. They had no obligation to talk to you about the sale or ask your feelings. Tell him this is your position and that you will not let something that is none of your concern get between you and your parents.

galinaqt · 01-06-2006, 01:56 PM

Your parents probably want to help your brother since he has there grandkid. Grandparents like and care about grandkids more than kids is normal.
You are doing good financially and be happy for that and it is surely not your husband's business.

Rondi · 01-09-2006, 08:49 AM

Well, I didn't read the comments before the weekend. I went out of town with my husband.
I also feel horrible because I did not call and tell my parents until this morning.

I did not tell all the facts and could not without writing a book. Your responses may have been somewhat different. December 2004 I separated from my husband and moved in with my parents for around a month. My husband feels that they contributed and wanted us apart. I worked it out with him later and we got back together and he changed. He does laundry and dishes and even sweeps and mops the floors. God is important to me. I am a strong Christian. My husband comes to church with me. I don't beleive in divorse and I DO beleive that God should come before your husband and your husband should come before your family. My husband feels they do not want us together and after the house situation doesn't want anything to do with them.

I am not good at putting my foot down. This is a flaw of mine. I am an easy going person who worries about getting people upset. I know I at least need to be honest with my parents about this and tell them why I have been avoiding them. I need to ask forgiveness for not being open about this.

My minister did say that he doesn't feel the house transaction was our business. I am going to go to counseling sometime, but I have been sick since November with a UTI. That is how I found this board. I think stress is keeping me from getting well.

Music4All · 01-09-2006, 08:57 AM

Nothing you added changes the answers to your original question. It is still none of his busines what they do with their property or money. If the question has changed, let us know.

If he is responsible, through bad behaviors, for your leaving, he needs to take complete ownership for that and leave blame or animosity to your parents out of it. They provided you a safe haven of comfort. That is what parents do.

Rondi · 01-11-2006, 06:51 AM

We had a terrible arguement. My dad called the house when I was not home and Dennis answered the phone. He didn't argue with him. Dad was wanting to ask me a Quick Books question. And my mom came by on Monday at work and brought me a little birthday cake with a gift. I guess this is what set things off. He feels I do not have respect for him and that I should back him up. He feels I should ask them for an apology for not thinking about out feelings. I told him I wanted to drop it and not bring it up.

I asked him if he would consider counseling. We tried it one time for one visit. He didn't like it. He has not agreed to it yet. I went ahead and scheduled an appointment for myself for someone my friend recommended.

I am worried about my husband. He alway gets depressed this time of year. Last year during our separation he was prescribed depression, anxiety, and sleeping medicines. He did not take them when we got back together much until recently. He took a sleeping pill last night and I finally was able to get some sleep after 1:30am. Since loosing our Nephew in September he has made verbal grunts with a simultaneous jerk from time to time in the evenings. When I have asked him about it he says it is because he has flashbacks of what all has happened this year. (The pain of our separation, our loosing our 10 year old nephew, our nephew's stepdad's upcoming trial for manslaughter because he was driving an ATV with the boy intoxicated, my husband's mother having a heart attack when hearing the news, and then my parents not considering our feelings.) He said last night he wished he had died instead of Nick. He also asked me if I thought we would ever be happy like we were when we first got married. I told him I didn't wish it was him instead and I thought it was possible, if I could have contact with my family freely without guilt.

I really don't know what to do other than try to encoureage him to seek counseling. We have days where life seems good and happy. Then BAM we have horrible days.

Rondi · 01-24-2006, 05:48 PM

UPDATE: I am in counseling at a Christian counseling center. My relationship with my husband is improving. He somewhat understands me wanting to have a relationship with my family and is trying himself. He made a step in talking with my brother. I wish my husband would also attend counseling. He is at least leaving the thought open.

My counselor agrees that it is none of anyones business what my parents decide, but she did say that if I feel like my parents tend to favor my brother even unknowingly and it bothers me that I need to let them know.

galinaqt · 01-25-2006, 07:02 AM

My parents especially my mother was always treated my brother better than me. They believe because he was "late" child he deserves more. Talking to them ratinally was never easy and after 60+ it became almost impossible. You would tell them a word and they would tell you 100 back.
As I said before if you doing good enough financially and independent be happy about it. I would not even talk to your parents about that issue you'd be hurt again, they would think that you bring it 'cause of them helping your brother more than you. You have to take with grain of solt what councelor says.

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