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Old 01-06-2006, 03:04 AM   #1
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stay2gether HB User
Unhappy dont enjoy bfs family get togethers help!!

i love my boyf. very much, he also has such a wonderfull (very large) family and is veryclose to them. while i enjoy seeing them occasionly when they come to visit, (they live in a different state) i dont think i should have to attend every family get together, which they have quite alot of.
my boyf. expects me to travel alone for 10 hours at a time with his parents in a car (10 hrs there and 10 hrs back) while he meets me there as he works away.
his family are lovely but i feel awkward in these social situations as i am quite a quiet person and find these situations hard to deal with.
Him and his family just expect me to come to everything like its some sort of obligation. They have organised a holiday abroad, we would all be staying in the same villa, and when i told my boyf. i didnt want to go he was upset and didnt understand why.

how do tell him that i love his family but i just dont enjoy attending these events without seeming rude towards his family and avoiding being treated any different? btw we have been dating for a year.

thanx for taking the time to read x

 
Old 01-06-2006, 03:13 AM   #2
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bluegreeneyeguy HB User
Re: dont enjoy bfs family get togethers help!!

Tell your BF you will attend some but not all of his families functions. Is the 10 hour trip, the time it takes to get to every function? If it is. That"s unrealistic. You should be accompanied by him for these rides. Better yet and more respectful to yourself. He should arrange the travel to be for the most part just the two of you.
His actions will tell you about his maturity to be in a long term relationship.

 
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Old 01-06-2006, 09:46 AM   #3
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Gundam HB User
Re: dont enjoy bfs family get togethers help!!

Think of it in a positive way, @ least they treat you just like their own daughter ... that's why they wanna see you all the time.

But of course, talk to your BF. There's never a good enough reason to force yourself doing what you don't like doing. Talk to your BF quick, before it becomes a huge huge issue

 
Old 01-06-2006, 09:55 AM   #4
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Destea HB User
Re: dont enjoy bfs family get togethers help!!

Hmm, that is a pickle. It's hard to mention something about an SO's family - even if it's not necessarily negative. You say you adore them, which is great - but all in all they are not your family and I can completely understand how you feel about this situation.

Every time my boyfriend and his family get together it's basically a 2 or 3 day event because we have to make a 4 hour drive to see them. We end up just spending the weekend at their home. While I don't mind doing this a couple of times a year (and am willing to rotate holidays to be fair...) I don't join him every single time. I really do like his family but personally, a day is fine!!! After about 2 full days with 6 nephews and nieces I'm pretty worn out, and in not being a part of the family it's definitely hard to hang out full days at a time. Heck sometimes I don't even like hanging out with MY family that constant - and my mother is my best friend!

So, ultimately, I feel your pain. But you have to make it clear that sometimes you just would prefer to do your own thing and have some time to yourself. It's not like you won't make the effort and enjoy their company now and then but a few 10 hour drives is a pretty big thing to ask from someone you've been dating a year that ISN'T your wife!

 
Old 01-06-2006, 11:00 AM   #5
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wildcat66 HB User
Re: dont enjoy bfs family get togethers help!!

By no means are you obligated to attend every event doesnt matter if thet live 1 hr or 10 hrs away. Just be open and tell him straight out.

 
Old 01-06-2006, 01:13 PM   #6
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Ruby13 HB User
Re: dont enjoy bfs family get togethers help!!

I think this is actually a pretty common problem. My ex had a big inclusive family. Right after I met his mom, she invited me to a huge gathering, had one of the family friends come pick me up while he was out doing something with a niece, etc. My family's totally small and anti-social, so I wasn't used to being around so many people at once. I just wouldfeel exhausted at the end, even though they were great people. My good friend and her husband had the same situation (she had to realize her husband's not so social). My sister and her husband, same thing.

I think you should just explain to your bf that you love his family and you love him, but that you're a quiet person and that you can't relax if you're around a lot of people for too long. I wouldn't tell him you don't enjoy the get togethers. Just tell him you need some of your spare time to be quiet, just the two of you time. Riding 10 hours with the parents sounds like way too much to me.

 
Old 01-06-2006, 06:27 PM   #7
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GypsyArcher HB User
Re: dont enjoy bfs family get togethers help!!

Why are you worried about seeming rude? If you don't want to go, then don't go. You don't have to apologize for yourself, or write a 1,000 word essay to your boyfriend explaining why. I agree that it is nice of his family to accept you this way, but the fact is you don't enjoy all of these gatherings. It isn't your family, and you don't have anything to feel bad about. Just start putting your foot down and let your boyfriend know where you stand.

 
Old 01-06-2006, 11:23 PM   #8
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Emilysmommie05 HB User
Re: dont enjoy bfs family get togethers help!!

I have been there girl!! I just told him that i didn't need to go to every single one, and that it was ok if he went without me once and a while, and i told him i would make sure i was at the "important" gatherings, he didn't take it very well, because he just liked to spend time with me and his family because he loved me so much, and maybe that is the case, he just likes you to be close to his family as he is, because he loves you and wants you to feel like part of the family, but try and tell him that you will be at the "important" gatherings like birthdays and graduations etc.. but not every one of them. Hope this helps!

 
Old 01-07-2006, 08:42 AM   #9
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Shogirl HB User
Re: dont enjoy bfs family get togethers help!!

I hardly ever go over to my boy friend's family get togethers. I have told him over and over I do not like family get togethers. When he invites me I just tell him I have other things to do. I don't want to spend my precious time doing anything anymore that I don't want to do. This frustrates him, but that's too bad, my life and time is mine. It seems to work the best for me to say I'm doing something else. If I tell the truth that I'm happy staying home alone he can't accept that. But in all honesty I love staying home alone.

 
Old 01-08-2006, 08:20 AM   #10
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Emilysmommie05 HB User
Re: dont enjoy bfs family get togethers help!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shogirl
I hardly ever go over to my boy friend's family get togethers. I have told him over and over I do not like family get togethers. When he invites me I just tell him I have other things to do. I don't want to spend my precious time doing anything anymore that I don't want to do. This frustrates him, but that's too bad, my life and time is mine. It seems to work the best for me to say I'm doing something else. If I tell the truth that I'm happy staying home alone he can't accept that. But in all honesty I love staying home alone.
and you deserve time home alone, he should respect that and give you your space!! everyone deserves a little alone time. I enjoy being alone also. I like to stay at home and relax on my down time, and he should let you period. no questions.

 
Old 01-08-2006, 01:58 PM   #11
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stay2gether HB User
Re: dont enjoy bfs family get togethers help!!

wow thanx for all the replys!!!!

i have managed to get out of the holiday, i said i would find it too much, so were still going on holiday but at a different time. i think that id like to only attend the family things when there up here and i dont have to travel etc. so im gona explain this to bf, maybe at a later time.......anyhow i agree with the poster about how our time is our own and we should spend it as we like, often what i find is that if i have something i want to do in my spare time iv often got to put it off as my bf will want to spend the time doing something else........but thats relationships....
i am quite anti social tho...not that i dont like going out with friends etc, i just enjoy my own company and coming from a small family im used to being on my own alot so i find that after a few hours i do get sick and would like some quiet time to relax, but that cant happen when am 10 hours from home in a crowded house. i think this is quite hard for some people understand tho as they are used to being around people and are never alone.
its nice to know that there are people who feel the same as me tho

 
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