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Old 01-08-2006, 06:13 AM   #1
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Nina000 HB User
Urgent help please: how to respond to my best female friend?

I need your urgent help on something that I have been thinking about for the last couple of nights.
I have a very close female friend living in Holland. She was my best best mate since we both were children.
She has a 2-year-old daughter to a kno*head. After 3 years of her marriage to him (both of them are foreigners in Holland but he's lived there for 20 years, she only when they got married), he turned out to be a real beast. Last Summer, he hit her so brutally and got arrested. She dropped charges because he was the father of her only daughter, but once he was out he kidnapped her daughter for a week. She was sleeping only with tablets. She told me that she used to get up at night screaming like mad until she was eventually re-united with her daughter. Since then, she has been living in their house (which is his) but the court gave her the house and custody of the daughter. He now sees his daughter through social services. She is an absolutely wonderful person, specialist doctor (but didn't have the chance to work there yet because of language limitations, although recently she passed the language exams with flying colours), she has always helped me materially when she worked back Home, and she's so soft and really very much liked among all our friends.

Now her divorce is proceeding in court, but this jerk seems to have succeded in making her softer since then. I understand how weak despite being hurt she must have felt. But I really really really don't want her back with him, he's a real jerk!!!

Ok here's my dilemma,days before their big problem happened she asked me whether I could book a flight for the three of them to come over to England to stay with his family. She had no credit card then (not even money) and I sensed that she was in danger and I thought that his family might be able to calm the situation down, so I booked the flights and sent her the reference number. I heard him on the phone swearing at her and saying that he would never fly. He called me bi**h and everything! I ended up having flight vouchers from the company and I asked her to come over to mine many times after what had happened to her, but she couldn't.

Few nights ago, she asked me whether I could book for HIM???? flights with this voucher!!!!!! She said that rather wasting the vouchers, she would ask him to give her the money and send it to me!!!! Now I am almost sure that she will try to pay out of her own pocket. I guess he wants to see his family and she wants him to do so.

I am not at all bothered about the money bit, but I would rather throw them in the bin than book for an ar******le like him!!!! I feel so sorry for herand I can't really blame her because this woman has had more than enough of violence and unfair treatment. I was really afraid she would break down at some point.

I don't want to disappoint her but I hate this jerk more than I can describe, sorry about the long post but please advice me on what to do!!!!

Last edited by Nina000; 01-08-2006 at 06:20 AM.

 
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Old 01-08-2006, 06:34 AM   #2
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Urgent help please: how to respond to my best female friend?

Hi Nina, sounds like a tough situation to be placed in. I'm not sure I follow the story 100%, so let me ask a question: after she was beaten by him and after he kidnapped their daughter, they're now in the process of divorcing and live separately, right? But she wants to come to England now with him as family and wants you to book a flight for the three of them? Why can't his family who live in England book the tickets for them? It's such a bad position she is placing you in.

Unfortunately, so many abused women continue the cycle of breaking up and getting back with their abuser, until they're so fed up that they refuse to take it anymore. In this case it seems that your friend is ready to forgive him again. I can see how you would be torn in this situation. I would probably tell her that I would gladly book tickets for her and the daughter, but as for him, you cannot help her with that because it's against your moral principles. Something like that. That's my opinion only, of course.

 
Old 01-08-2006, 06:50 AM   #3
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Nina000 HB User
Re: Urgent help please: how to respond to my best female friend?

Hi Sophia, Thanks for your advice. Yes that's right, but she wants me to book flights for him only!!! which means that he's still using her materially in emotionally!!!
It's really awkward, because I don't want to let her down on one hand, but on the other hand I would never do a favour to this b*****d!

 
Old 01-08-2006, 09:00 AM   #4
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eve40 HB User
Re: Urgent help please: how to respond to my best female friend?

On the other hand, if he's in England..............he's away from her. A chance for her to breath and gain some perspective, And, you still help out your friend, maybe more then you realize.

 
Old 01-08-2006, 09:54 AM   #5
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Nina000 HB User
Re: Urgent help please: how to respond to my best female friend?

Quote:
Originally Posted by eve40
On the other hand, if he's in England..............he's away from her. A chance for her to breath and gain some perspective, And, you still help out your friend, maybe more then you realize.
Thank you Eve, I thought of this one single advantage myself, but he's not staying in England for good! He's coming here for a couple of days, and I will be paying for his holidays! Also, there's no guarantee that he will respect what she is doing for him! He's so tight! He sits on money. He keeps on reminding her that he's paying for the Internet, he's hidden all her money in a safety box when this problem happened back in the Summer. I really don't want her to be disappointed by me! This girl paid for my IELTS exams before I came here when I had no money to take them!!! She offered me her house numerous times before, and helped me beyond belief when I first came here!!! I feel like I should bite the bullet and book for him for HER SAKE, I won't lose anything. will I? But I am afraid that he will take her more for granted if I do that. She's too sensitive to discuss all these things with her!

Last edited by Nina000; 01-08-2006 at 09:58 AM.

 
Old 01-08-2006, 11:18 AM   #6
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goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: Urgent help please: how to respond to my best female friend?

Hi Nina I think that if you look at the situation as helping her out as a request rather than paying for his ticket you may be able to do it without feeling as if you are helping him out. Afterall, you did offer her the voucher and how she actually goes about using it is all up to her. It's like if you offer a friend a car that you are not using because they have a need for it and they in turn go sell the car because they find a need for the money instead after a while, you still in a way have helped them out.

When we get into issues with abuse, you can be supportive and offer your best advice letting your friend know that you are there for her. The thing you must realize that as much as you may say things and try to prevent her from remaining in a situation, she will not walk away until she has come to that realization herself. Knowing that you love her and support her until that time comes is what is most important here. There will come a time that she will ask for more support in terms of the abuse....and knowing that you are a friend she can turn to will be what she is most counting on. Sounds like she is lucky to have a friend like you who cares about her so much. And that you will be the one she is most likely to turn to in her time of need. Not everyone is as fortunate.

~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 01-08-2006 at 11:27 AM.

 
Old 01-08-2006, 11:47 AM   #7
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Nina000 HB User
Re: Urgent help please: how to respond to my best female friend?

Hi Goody
Thanks for your advice and for your kind compliment.
I guess you are right: all I can do is let her feel that I am there for her, regardless of what she intends to do. It is just SO difficult for me to accept this beast especially after I saw a gentle and devoted woman like her with black eyes and bruises everywhere . It was appalling! And Goody, I have been there, and I am not ashamed to say that I identify with any woman who has been unfairly mistreated. It just makes my blood boil to think that he's got the slightest chance with her . She deserves better. He has been recently asking her to go to marriage counselling but he is a real freak!!!
Like you said, again, she has to come to this realisation on her own. For me, it's clear that he's taking advantage of her lonliness and vulnerability.
I will do what she asked me. At least she won't lose tust in me too!

Last edited by Nina000; 01-08-2006 at 11:49 AM.

 
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