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Old 01-08-2006, 09:36 AM   #1
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Emilysmommie05 HB User
the rest of my issues with BF.....

I posted about a small lie ended it, now i will tell you all the rest of the story here are all the other problems he says we have:

He is a Jehovahs Witness, I am a Luthern
He is tidy and i am a little messy.
He dosen't really like to go out to bars on the weekends and i am only 21 and i like to go once and a while.
He dosen't like my friends( for reasons i posted before)
He is a tight wad, and i like to shop ( but i still budget i am not out of control) i don't let money control my life, and he does.

That is pretty much it, but above all when we are together you can feel the love between us and it feels right and he agrees, we have these differences, and i know we could make it work if he really wanted to try. Every time i go there to drop off our daughter i always stay and we order pizza and rent movies and what not, and we have a great time, this past weekend we started kissing again, but he really confuses me. He kisses and cuddles me and we do some sexual things, but thats it, OH and the reason he "kicked" me out is because his new religion says we can't live together until we are married but we lived together for 2 1/2 years and have a 1 year old daughter together, so that dosen't make much sense to me anyway. and now we live like 45 minutes away from each other since i had to move back in with my parents. and he says me living so far will be hard for us to hold a relationship even though we had already been together for 5 years. And i think if he loves me like he says he does then we could make it work and work it out and get married so we can live together. Help me aht should i do???????

 
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Old 01-08-2006, 09:53 AM   #2
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Music4All HB User
Re: the rest of my issues with BF.....

This info certainly paints a clearer picture of the reason for breakup beyond a little lie. These are major issues that cannot be simply overlooked. Your boyfriend understands that love is not enough to get couples through long term relationships. The difference between your two religions is significant. Worship, which is a thing you want to share, could not fully be shared. Lifestyle practices having to do with neatness and spending can split up a marriage, as well.

I know it is sad to not be able to be with the one you love, but eventualy, as things get more serious, these issues you listed have to be dealt with and is seems he did not want it to go deeper for fear the inevitable differences would make a break up later even more difficult.

It sounds like he recently "got religion" and we don't know the details of that. IT does sound like he is late to the party for casting judgement. Atough situation. Waiting is not a bad idea right now.

Last edited by Music4All; 01-08-2006 at 09:57 AM.

 
Old 01-08-2006, 01:13 PM   #3
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Re: the rest of my issues with BF.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Music4All
This info certainly paints a clearer picture of the reason for breakup beyond a little lie. These are major issues that cannot be simply overlooked. Your boyfriend understands that love is not enough to get couples through long term relationships. The difference between your two religions is significant. Worship, which is a thing you want to share, could not fully be shared. Lifestyle practices having to do with neatness and spending can split up a marriage, as well.

I know it is sad to not be able to be with the one you love, but eventualy, as things get more serious, these issues you listed have to be dealt with and is seems he did not want it to go deeper for fear the inevitable differences would make a break up later even more difficult.

It sounds like he recently "got religion" and we don't know the details of that. IT does sound like he is late to the party for casting judgement. Atough situation. Waiting is not a bad idea right now.
we have been together for 5 years!! and i think that if love is strong enough it can battle the storm of any problem, don't you think?

 
Old 01-08-2006, 01:29 PM   #4
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Music4All HB User
Re: the rest of my issues with BF.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Emilysmommie05
we have been together for 5 years!! and i think that if love is strong enough it can battle the storm of any problem, don't you think?
No, I know many examples of people that love each other but where day to day real life issues cause serious problems. Religion is just one of many examples of a great potential conflict, unresolvable by love alone. How people spend money is another. Individual's preference or feelings about alcohol is another. Compelling desires to live in the city vs country can create a wedge between people that genuinely love each other. What is and isn't appropriate discipline for children is another. How each feels about visiting families is another.

There are lots of issues that love alone will not resolve. People have strong convictions about certain things and those convictions often trump love. It does not mean the love is not really there, it means they have come to realize that it is not so easy as to say love will make all things work out. It won't.

Last edited by Music4All; 01-08-2006 at 01:30 PM.

 
Old 01-08-2006, 03:33 PM   #5
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Re: the rest of my issues with BF.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Music4All
No, I know many examples of people that love each other but where day to day real life issues cause serious problems. Religion is just one of many examples of a great potential conflict, unresolvable by love alone. How people spend money is another. Individual's preference or feelings about alcohol is another. Compelling desires to live in the city vs country can create a wedge between people that genuinely love each other. What is and isn't appropriate discipline for children is another. How each feels about visiting families is another.

There are lots of issues that love alone will not resolve. People have strong convictions about certain things and those convictions often trump love. It does not mean the love is not really there, it means they have come to realize that it is not so easy as to say love will make all things work out. It won't.
wow you are really insightful about relationships! It is just so hard because we do love each other so very much, and we are really trying to work it out, what do you think we should do? please give me your total honest opinion

 
Old 01-08-2006, 06:12 PM   #6
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Re: the rest of my issues with BF.....

Do I have this right? You were living with this guy, the father of your child. Then he changed religions, and kicked you (and your daughter?!) out? Now, even though he isn't "allowed" to live with someone he is not married to, it's okay for him to fool around with you when you come over to visit?? And now he's complaining that you live too far away when he was the one who kicked you out in the first place? Did I miss the post where you told him to take a long walk off a short pier and to kiss your ***?

If he wanted to marry you, especially since you have a child together why didn't he just do that instead of kicking you out like you were some kind of offending harlot? This seems like one big steaming pile of BS. I think he just wants to be single and free to mingle. You better give him an ultimatum. What a rube!

 
Old 01-08-2006, 08:51 PM   #7
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LostMyHeart HB User
Re: the rest of my issues with BF.....

I agree, if this guy was really taking his religion seriously, and really wanted to be with you, he would have married you, NOT kicked you out of the house.
How is it that it isn't ok for him to live with you, but it's ok for him to have a child out of wedlock? If he was really doing things to live his life according to his new religion, he would have righted that wrong and married you.
Sounds like a bunch of excuses to me.

 
Old 01-08-2006, 09:00 PM   #8
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SophiaM HB User
Re: the rest of my issues with BF.....

I agree with Gypsy Archer and LMH as well. What a hypocrite! Tell him, if he can't live with you as an unmarried couple, why doesn't he marry you? After all, you have a child together. He should be responsible for his child and the mother of his child, according to his religion.

 
Old 01-08-2006, 09:27 PM   #9
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MsInspiration HB User
Re: the rest of my issues with BF.....

Hello there,

Gee not to slander anyones religion....but Jehovah Witnesses are almost cult like in their approach to religion. And I am saying this from experience, my mother is a JW, and my grandmother was also. They have a rather extreme view, which they demand (in a sense) to encompass all areas of your life. They actually discourage marriage with a person who is not a JW, don't really encourage children (because the end of the earth is around the corner - so why bother), whilst some of their morals I do admire - to be honest I could never ever marry a JW. I also agree with the other posters if this man has asked you to leave because he can not live with someone, then why is he still being sexual with you (which I know is totally against JW beliefs).

Their religion is extreme, and they expect so much from the people who are following it (e.g. door knocking etc) I am not sure that I would want to be involved in such a harsh and extreme view or that I would want to raise my child in such an environment.

Not sure if this has helped.....but I wanted to offer another perspective.

Big Hug xx

 
Old 01-09-2006, 12:33 PM   #10
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Emilysmommie05 HB User
Re: the rest of my issues with BF.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
I agree with Gypsy Archer and LMH as well. What a hypocrite! Tell him, if he can't live with you as an unmarried couple, why doesn't he marry you? After all, you have a child together. He should be responsible for his child and the mother of his child, according to his religion.
I also posted before explaining about how a small lie supposedly ended it also, so you could read there and find out why he "says" is a big reason, and i should tell him to f*%$ off huh? but it is hard, and he does give me alot of excuses, i just love him and i do not know what to do anymore!

 
Old 01-09-2006, 12:37 PM   #11
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Re: the rest of my issues with BF.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsInspiration
Hello there,

Gee not to slander anyones religion....but Jehovah Witnesses are almost cult like in their approach to religion. And I am saying this from experience, my mother is a JW, and my grandmother was also. They have a rather extreme view, which they demand (in a sense) to encompass all areas of your life. They actually discourage marriage with a person who is not a JW, don't really encourage children (because the end of the earth is around the corner - so why bother), whilst some of their morals I do admire - to be honest I could never ever marry a JW. I also agree with the other posters if this man has asked you to leave because he can not live with someone, then why is he still being sexual with you (which I know is totally against JW beliefs).

Their religion is extreme, and they expect so much from the people who are following it (e.g. door knocking etc) I am not sure that I would want to be involved in such a harsh and extreme view or that I would want to raise my child in such an environment.

Not sure if this has helped.....but I wanted to offer another perspective.

Big Hug xx
They actually say that they don't want them to marry someone who isn't a JW? i kinda had that feeling because ever since we "broke up" he has been with his family who are JW's and that seemed kinda funny to me because they never really called him or anything before he decided to become a JW and that makes me feel like it was me they didn't like, but he tells me that they love me and that has nothing to do with it! But don't you think that seems kind of funny?? like now they "accept" him because he is no longer with a person who is not one of them. HELP i just don't understand why this had to happen to me and to us because we were so great together despite our problems.

 
Old 01-09-2006, 01:06 PM   #12
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SophiaM HB User
Re: the rest of my issues with BF.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Emilysmommie05
They actually say that they don't want them to marry someone who isn't a JW? i kinda had that feeling because ever since we "broke up" he has been with his family who are JW's and that seemed kinda funny to me because they never really called him or anything before he decided to become a JW and that makes me feel like it was me they didn't like, but he tells me that they love me and that has nothing to do with it! But don't you think that seems kind of funny?? like now they "accept" him because he is no longer with a person who is not one of them. HELP i just don't understand why this had to happen to me and to us because we were so great together despite our problems.
Well, it's true that JW's discourage marriage to someone who is not of the same faith, however, they're also strongly pro-keeping a family together, and since your boyfriend has a child with you, I would think they would not be against him marrying you. Of course, I'm sure they would try to convert you as hard as they could. I think your bf has been seriously "brainwashed" but also he is making excuses. I think he is using this religion to make excuses to not marry you, sorry to say. Either way, he should be responsible for his child and if he is not paying any child support now, you should definitely take him to court for it. You and your baby deserve to be taken care of, regardless of what religion he is.

 
Old 01-09-2006, 03:13 PM   #13
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Re: the rest of my issues with BF.....

Hi again,

I was going to ask if his family were JW's because they will have a huge influence (and obviously the congregation on what he decides to do - if he is taking this religion serioulsy). For instance, my mother does not like the fact that I married a catholic and if I gave her half the chance I know she would voice all her objections. Religion is a forbidden topic in my house because otherwise she will just go on and on about the Jehovah Witness religion and to be honest I grew up with it and I am now happy that I am an adult and don't have to be subjected to something so obscure and extreme.

I do know that JW's would not try and break up a marriage - but they would frown upon the non JW partner and desperately try to convert them into the religion. If this person did not sucumb to the JW beliefs and become actively involved they would eventually say that the non JW partner was working against the truth (JW beliefs). As for marrying someone who is not a JW......well to be honest I think they would subtly discourage and hope the person would eventually marry a JW.

I would seriously think about whether you want your child raised in this environment (even if you partner were to marry you) they do not celebrate xmas, birthdays, easter etc.....it can be quiet and isolating experience for a child.

I do like what Sophia has said, despite any othercomes (reconcilation, or seperation) this guy should be paying maintenance so I would be pushing for that.

I would take a step back give this person some space to work out where he is going with his life. If he does not include his family in the big picture because of his religiion then this is just another reason why I think this cult church is a little extreme (to say the least).

In regard to the lie, show me a person who is without mistake or fault in their lives. Oh please, I am sure he has made plenty (probably which you do not know about), for one, being sexual with a woman before marriage is a huge sin in JW's book!

Think carefully about what you are really wishing for and don't loose focus on your childs happiness - that is what is really important here. If he makes you feel this bad about yourself for a silly lie told when you were 16 - well imagine if you made a really big mistake, how would he make you live that every day.

Best wishes....xxx

 
Old 01-09-2006, 03:16 PM   #14
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Re: the rest of my issues with BF.....

Oh and one last thing, JW's discourage socializing with anyone who is not a Jehovah Witness. They believe if taints a person so to speak.

 
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