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Old 01-08-2006, 01:47 PM   #1
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Any ideas?

So there I was this time last year beating around the bush about whether i want to go out with a girl i was scoring(kissing and hooking up with - Not sex) and i decided best for me not to bother....

Then this year around, i have been scoring a new girl i know for a couple of months and she doesn't want to lead me on to a relationship, last night in the night club i told her knowing her was a waste of a month and half of my life and she may as well go score one of my friends cos she said that...the result: She ran off crying and i stood there looking like an idiot knowing i made a mistake, but what do you expect? A girl just told me she basically doesn't want a relationship with me, i have never had this before and it's new i guess. Something i care about is falling through my fingers. With a combination of *********** and a few deep conversations with friends, i have decided the following;

Meeting up with her in like the next hour to sort out my future with this girl asap. Ya know what they say? A problem or something that turns into a problem, you sort it out and get over it. I am trying to do that tonight. I actually was conditioning myself to go out with this girl the past month and a half cos that is what I perceived she wanted...and i was afraid to kiss her in the beginning in case it would lead to relationship but as i said, i conditioned myself to be relationship material and i didn't kiss any other girl the times i was seeing her, and i don't know what it is but there were a lot of offers the past two months...Ironic huh!?

I recently was told by her best mate in extreme confidentiality that she has a tendancy to go out with guys who she can control and her mate told me that I am too confident basically to control. So basically, the girl i am scoring has an insecurity about relationships. My goal tonight: Persuade her, sweet talk her, be utterly honest with her and my feeling towards her. I like her. I am going to let her know. I am going to try my best to let her know that I will not hurt her cos i think she is a great girl. Then again, this could all be an illusion on my part and i'm believing something which isn't existing but whatever, they are my feelings rights now and I have to tell her.

Either way, this is not a very nice situation i am in but **** it, i got myself in it and i will let her know what she may or may not be missing...

After The Meet Up

Ok well I'm back. I learned a lot more about her. Basically every relationship she has been in, she has landed in it head on without thinking....she would kiss a guy 5 or 6 times and she....tends to end up in a relationship without actually thinking it through. She prefers to be in control which she admitted was her own problem. She also admitted that she has a huge fear of being hurt so she tends to have a bit more power over the guy. The reason she is like this is because her best friend was in a relationship and the guy cheated on her repeatedly and her best friend could not see through him and was still in love with him. So now she has a huge fear of being that powerless towards a guy. So i basically said my part and told her that i liked her and was preparing myself for a relationship with her but now that i know what i know about her, i'm a lot happier with that. I mean, i told her that i never knew her that well anyway to begin with(a month and a half ain't long folks) and i just wanted to get to know you and would have preferred to instead of scoring you, i would have preferred either a) We become friends b) Just score and see what happens or c) Realise we can't be friends. But what is done is done. I told her that I will not look towards this as an end of something...but rather as a beginning of something and just take it(whatever it is i have no idea) as it comes. So that is it really...i dunno what the future holds. I suppose i understand better now. Talking really helps. But do i still like her? Yeah...but what can i do now? it is out of my hands...or is it? What do u guys think? We left each other then saying have a good week in college and tlk to u l8r.

Pride was at the door...i just had to tell her. I told her that exactly what you said about how she may be holding herself back by looking at friends relationship and she said she knows and that it is an insecurity thing. From what i can gather we are basically starting off from scratch and getting to know each other minus the complications of "do i kiss her now or later or what?". She told me that she lost friendships with the ex boyfriends cos of the way she nosedived into situations and she regretted it cos they were nice guys...i'm grateful i'm not one of those guys. At least i have a chance. She knows my stance and i told her that the past situations this month which arose where i could have kissed someone else and didn't, i told her that it is because i liked her more. Ok...i may be giving her too much so the chase kind of dissapears cos she knows i like her...but whatever. I don't want to play games and i am glad she knows. The ball is in our court...let's see what the future holds...

Oh by the way, I forgot to mention, she broke up with her boyfriend in November just and just two weeks later....she kind of met me....so maybe she also needs space or something. I only found this out tonight.

What should i do? just play it by year...? I still do like this girl a lot...but i will make sure i do not smother her. I'm not the clingy type anyway

Last edited by Ronaldinho; 01-08-2006 at 02:15 PM.

 
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Old 01-08-2006, 02:47 PM   #2
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Re: Any ideas?

Hello Wow....I was sort of feeling as if I was all caught up in some baseball game here or something...with all the scores and balls in a court and game playing and who's in the lead and what's happening next.....

I'm sorry....but relationships are so much more than all of that as you are beginning to see. I do like the transformation that has occurred in you, of coming to the realization that if you truly like somebody that it involves taking a risk enough to open up and say it like it is. At least now you know what insecurities she is dealing with and probably that took alot of opening up to you on her part too. She trusted you with that info and now it is up to you to show her that she is worthy of your trust and that you relaize that it wasn't easy for her to share what she had with you. And I am sure that she now realizes that you think alot of her enough to trust her with your feelings as well. You really accomplished alot here and I am sure that things will be much easier to talk about once you are able to trust one another more. You opened the door to that when you talked to her and shared your feelings with her.....you did not do anything to ruin your chances with her by telling you how you feel, in fact, you just wait and see.....I guarantee that by you dropping all the other nonsense you will see how you have made her feel more secure and confident enough to know that pursuing a relationship with you may not be a bad thing after all. I have a feeling that you will be giving us an update about all the changes that have occurred since you took the risk of talking to her and dropping all the game playing. Mark my words on that. ~ Goody

 
Old 01-08-2006, 04:34 PM   #3
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Re: Any ideas?

Quote:
Originally Posted by goody2shuz
Hello Wow....I was sort of feeling as if I was all caught up in some baseball game here or something...with all the scores and balls in a court and game playing and who's in the lead and what's happening next.....

I'm sorry....but relationships are so much more than all of that as you are beginning to see. I do like the transformation that has occurred in you, of coming to the realization that if you truly like somebody that it involves taking a risk enough to open up and say it like it is. At least now you know what insecurities she is dealing with and probably that took alot of opening up to you on her part too. She trusted you with that info and now it is up to you to show her that she is worthy of your trust and that you relaize that it wasn't easy for her to share what she had with you. And I am sure that she now realizes that you think alot of her enough to trust her with your feelings as well. You really accomplished alot here and I am sure that things will be much easier to talk about once you are able to trust one another more. You opened the door to that when you talked to her and shared your feelings with her.....you did not do anything to ruin your chances with her by telling you how you feel, in fact, you just wait and see.....I guarantee that by you dropping all the other nonsense you will see how you have made her feel more secure and confident enough to know that pursuing a relationship with you may not be a bad thing after all. I have a feeling that you will be giving us an update about all the changes that have occurred since you took the risk of talking to her and dropping all the game playing. Mark my words on that. ~ Goody
Thanks a lot for the post. It is very helpful and puts it all in perspective. I just got a message from her there saying:

Quote:
"Hey thanks a million for the chat and being so cool and understanding about everything. I really appreciate it. It makes everything click into place and i can totally see where you are coming from. Your right, we are quite similar, your a couple of steps ahead of me regarding attitudes to relationships i think. Hopefully we can still be mates and have a laugh doing crazy random things."
So clearly she is just as happy with our talk as I was. Time will tell i guess...any other suggestions or anything? Overall I am pleased with the progress. I mean, we did only score each other twice in the month and a half but the truth is out now so that is important on both our parts.

 
Old 01-08-2006, 05:21 PM   #4
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Re: Any ideas?

I think that to be totally honest, her response is a little bit on the safe side in terms of taking somewhat of a step back. Seems to me, and correct me if I am wrong, that by her statement that she is happy with the openness you have shared in clarifying how you see a relationship and understanding her insecurities and ways she covers them up by wanting to be in control of things...but when she states that "you are a couple of steps ahead of me in attitudes to relationships......and hopefully we can still be mates and have a laugh doing crazy things...." well I can't help but think that she is not quite as ready for a relationship as you are with her. When a girl says something in terms of being mates/friends it is a clear signal that she is hesitant to be anything more than that. What are your thoughts on that??? I just would advise you to respond to her as you naturally would perhaps saying you are glad about the talk and see how she responds after that. It's difficult to see at this time where this all would go.....if you would like it to be a relationship then pursue it as one, however, it may be difficult now that she is back at college...from what I see you are now adding distance to everything, am I correct?? How far is her college from you??? And hw often will you be able to see one another???

I think you should take things slowly if anything and if you want a chance, allow things to develop at a steady and consistent pace so that she can learn to trust you. It seems that she wants to but still is somewhat reserved.

Let us know how things go....it is a great sign that she wrote to you....Goody

 
Old 01-09-2006, 03:31 AM   #5
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Re: Any ideas?

Well that was the message over 3 or 4 messages. I just shortened it down exactly so it would make sense. Basically her first message to me was saying how much she appreciated the talk and the chat with me and i was cool for understanding her and she appreciated it. I basically reciprocated back saying no worries at all, it's totally fine and i appreciated meeting up with her and opening up as we got to know each other more etc and vica versa. The next message she sent me then was basically saying "yeah i totally agree with you. A lot of stuff goes on in my little head. I agree with you that we are similar but that i am a couple of steps ahead in terms of attitude towards a relationship" to which i said again "No worries at all, it's a big step, a lot of trust etc" and then she said "Cool well hopefully we can still be friends and have fun doing crazy random things!" to which i replied "Of course we can still be friends, it's no problem at all". I also sent her a message before she sent the "hope we can be friends" message saying "that she has her reasons for being afraid of relationships and that i totally respect that and how it is not her fault and there is no pressure to get into one because there is so much trust involved in relationships and it is a big step". To be honest, i only saw her two/three times a week normally like usually once during the week where we would just hang out with couple other friends(one of which includes a very good friend of mine who is a girl is in college with her and they are best friends) and then at the weekend when we usually all go out togeather. The last time i also kissed her was middle of November anyway so to be honest, we are not actually adding distance at all. We are more or less just getting to know each other more. The reason she may have sent me the "Hope we can still be friends and do fun things" message was because I told her when i met her at the pier(where we had our talk) that I still didn't know her well enough to which she was like "well you know me a little bit" and i was like "well to be honest, i actually don't know you that well...and you don't know me that well at all" to which she finally agreed with me. I also told her that under no circumstances was I planning to go out with her in the forseeable future and i was going to wait until i did get to know her a lot better because I didn't want to get myself into a sham of a relationship but i was preparing myself to get into one eventually providing the factors were right. I mean, under no circumstances was I saying to her at the pier that I need a relationship with her, i was very honest about my feelings and i told her straight off the bat that during this talk, "i will be completely honest and not hold back". One of her questions then was "Last night you told me that knowing me was a complete waste of your time, is that true?" and i said "At that moment in time, that was my totally honest feeling towards you, but now that we are having this talk and i totally understand your feelings and you opened up etc, that is no longer my feeling...but still last night, it was" and she understood i guess. That was what had made her cry the other night along with when i was annoyed, i told her "You may as well go score one of my friends or something". I explained the last sentence to her saying "it was a complete defense mechanism on my part and i was just utterly shocked" and she did understand me.

My only way of thinking is, does this mean we are free to go off with other people or whatever? I mean, at this moment in time, i like her still and would like to just get to know her a lot better and i have no interest in going after other girls but that is just my stance. I am still unclear what the "correct" thing would be to do. I mean, i am a little subdued today and not my usual self but I am not depressed or anything, i am just thinking about her but when i am around my friends, i act as if nothing is wrong at all basically because nothing is wrong really and I am feeling relieved! My gut feeling is telling me that she would not appreciate that especially after the talk i had with her, but i do know 70% she would not go off with another guy but 30% of me is saying "let's be realistic here, she can if she wanted too" but that, in my eyes, would just make our whole talk and progress a complete waste of time to which i would probably sadly end all communication with this girl and if she, in my eyes saw me do the same, i don't think she would hold much faith in our conversation and i wouldn't blame her.

To be honest, even if nothing comes of this ever, i feel so good to write it all down and to have great people like yourself Goody come in and tell me it basically how it is. That in itself is something i am very grateful for and i really appreciate it!

Last edited by Ronaldinho; 01-09-2006 at 11:54 AM.

 
Old 01-09-2006, 02:18 PM   #6
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Re: Any ideas?

Does anyone else have any other views or a different perspective on this situation?

 
Old 01-11-2006, 09:52 AM   #7
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Re: Any ideas?

Anybody at all!? Sorry I'm just confused!

 
Old 01-11-2006, 02:27 PM   #8
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goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: Any ideas?

Hi again I think that the important thing in this situation is honesty and trust. Seems to me that she has established wanting to continue being friends with you and taking things slow. Her past, as admitted by her, haas made her somewhat distrutful of guys and relationships. You must somehow go by how you feel about her and if you think she is worth pursuing then do so but taking things slowly. If you sense that she is not ready for a relationship there is nothing saying that you are exclusive so if something comes up that you are interested in there's nothing here with this girl that says you are exclusive and not able to pursue other interests that may come your way. And the same goes for her.

Over time, if she seems to open up to you enough to indicate that she is more interested in you than a friend, in order to earn her trust you must establish whether you & her are exclusive worthy, meaning seriously interested in one another to not date others. This takes some time to establish...with her history of forming controlling type behavior as a result of bad relationships, if you like her enough it may be in your best interest to focus your energies on seeing only her and showing her that you are worth trusting. But that is entirely up to you......if you want something enough, that is, to win her heart & her trust, then in order to do so you will may have to invest a little more time & energy than usual...but sometimes it's all worth it.

From your post I gather you are college age which is young and perhaps neither one of you are ready to do that. Only you will be able to decide if she is worth it.......but with your age it's a hard thing to say. Perhaps just taking one day at a time and seeing what develops is the way to go. Concentrate on your sutdies, friends, collegelife and keeping the lines of communication open with this girl and see what happens over time. If something better comes along go with that......this is a time for dating and finding a person that complements you. It shouldn't be so confusing or stressful so try not to make it that way. If it seems that way then perhaps it's not the thing for you.

Hope this helps.....Goody

 
Old 05-29-2006, 08:37 PM   #9
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Re: Any ideas?

Hey guys, it's me again...I have an update on the situation with this girl! No point creating a new thread...

So I have news on the situation...since this whole scenario, nothing has ever happened, i was ignoring her and even though i know this girl liked me, i didn't do a lot about it...

well last night, i was in the famous club of love as i like to call it and she was there...the girl this thread is basically about...

She arrived and came up to me and wanted to buy me a drink...well she splurted everything out...she told me that since January i have been in her head, she really likes me and wants to go out with me...she also wanted to talk to me and literally was all over me all night. At first i thought the reason she came over was because i was initially chatting up another girl and this sparked jealousy off in her...u can't blame me for thinking that...anyway( i was told by her friend later on that she has been talking about me constantly since we had our talk -- i.e. what this thread was all about months ago!)

Anyway, she comes up to me and tells me that she really likes me and always has and wants to start scoring me(scoring over here means when we are out in clubs, we hang out and kiss each other -- not sex like it means in States)

She came up to me and was asking can i give her a second chance because shortly after this thread was made, i was confused and didn't want to wait around for her and i asked her if it's ok if we score other people and she said yeah and i was happy with that so i scored another person that following Saturday night and she did the same, only the person she scored was a friend of mine...i didn't actually mind as we said we could score other people (but deep down i was a bit dissapointed i suppose but nobody knew this)...

I mean i'll give her credit where credit is due, she opened up to me totally and threw her entire feelings out there where they could be crampled on at any moment by me and she hasn't done this to any other guy before so i'm flattered i suppose...

There were moments in the past before this on nights out in particular where i saw her and she tried talking to me and i basically ignored her cos i'm stubborn...so it has been 4/5 months since then ya know?

I'm not gonna hold back, this girl was begging for me to kiss her and to go out with her etc....she said she doesn't care anymore and that she is not hiding her feelings anymore, she also said she has never said this to another guy before...and i believe her cos this girl has her insecurities as i described in the first post of this thread months ago!

So I kissed her for a few seconds last night and kept refusing to kiss her until i talked to her tmro(which was today). So i met up with her and i was my usual calm, laid back and collective self and she said everything she said when we were drunk to my face...and mind u, it was awkward cos we were both stone cold sober!

So anyway, i said yeah grand, just relax and take it easy...let's just take baby steps...

So there u have it...

She was literally begging for me to give her another go...put it this way, i'm going to suss her out, no way am i putting my emotions on the line as yet...it's past the stage where i'm flattered she likes me but i'm not surprised...i am basically gonna suss out if this girl is 1) an emotional wreck and 2) right for me...

One thing that was interesting was she said to me that she just is terrified of her feelings going out there and if she went in a relationship, would love to try make it work...i never gave her guarantees, i was like yeah it's all chill between us, don't worry and she was like quote "Maybe i am not being clear, but basically, i want us to start scoring again...and i really really like you" etc

I dunno man...i'm confused that a girl who literally was so insecure of not continuing scoring me months ago because she thought i was too confident for her that one night after we said we can score other people, she scored my friend in the same group to her deeply regretting it( and me not understanding why cos we said we can score other people) to us basically not talking a lot anymore for around 4/5 months to her begging for me to "forgive her and give her a second chance" coming from a girl who has never opened up like that to any guy before...i mean, **** me, if that does not spell out emotionally confused then i dunno what does...i think i have to be careful what i get myself into...what do u make of it guys?

Then there is the part of me which is concerned this girl is primarily with me for my looks only...so again this confuses me...how does it look to you guys?

PS: Hope you are all doing well and good to see you again...

Last edited by Ronaldinho; 05-29-2006 at 08:39 PM.

 
Old 05-31-2006, 05:53 AM   #10
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Ronaldinho HB User
Re: Any ideas?

Any ideas people!?

 
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