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Old 01-12-2006, 12:27 AM   #1
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wut2do HB User
I dont know what i feel

Hi everyone. ive been posting on these boards for a while, but maybe ive been posting on the wrong one...I'm sorry if i write too much...
My ex and I broke up like 6 months ago..in august..on my birthday pretty much, and i still feel broken. I know its not healthy and i know i have to let go but for some reason i cant bring myself to do it. he was messed up and i knew this from the day we met. I dont even know where to start with his issues, not that they are really all that important anymore, but, in a way they play a huge part of the story, at least i seem to think so. he was pretty much exiled here from africa over some family altercations...his father died ten years ago, and he got robbed (for lack of better wording) from the family fortune. he went from having like three houses full of servants to fulfil his every comand...to living here on an allowance i guess and fending for himself. lol, long story short, he didnt fend so well. Instead of picking himself up, he simply became addicted to weed, coke, beer and poker. had no job, no ambition no anything really...but was full of..ironically...sadness and love.
and i guess this is where i come in...he was trying to come clean and things were good...i went away for a couple of weeks and snap...everything fell apart. he had always gone through phases of being distant..mostly because of depression i guess...but when i came back, he had started using again and became a totally different person. he left me because he couldnt stand what he was doing to me...we had an..interesting relationship for the most part. he told me id understand in like twenty years...lol. and ever since, i dont understand anything and have been living an emotional roller coaster. one day i understand that he was in fact a drug addict with possibly no hope of recovery...the next, i think hes an idiot for giving up on everything. and nights like tonight i have no clue what to think..lol
its been six months, i was out with what used to be 'our' friends and someone mentioned to me about coming to pick some stuff up that he borrowed....yes six months later..im still tying up his loose ends because he is somewhat of a coward..and as a result i took like ten steps back and started missing him and hating him for leaving. to the point where i almost drove for like two hours to bang on his window and tell him what a moron he is..lol. i didnt, thankfully
i hate the way my mind plays games with me..i know i deserve someone who loves me..but i cant help but feel he does..and thats why he left and if i loved him at all..i wouldnt let him...does that sound crazy. a lot of our relationship was based on the fact that we love eachother no matter what...is this still a no matter what? is it possible to love someone this much..or is it delusionalism..lol?? i cant get it out of my mind that i still should be proving to him that he is a good person and deserves to be loved... talk about mental domination, he leaves me and i still feel the need to make him feel loved. lol, i know this must sound crazy to everyone...i just dont understand how another human being can have so much of an impact over the way i think
to whoever reads this..sorry for taking up so much of your time...but i really needed to vent...hopefully ill be able to figure this out before my twenty years are up..lol
kris

 
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Old 01-12-2006, 12:44 AM   #2
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Join Date: Jun 2005
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Hiya HB User
Re: I dont know what i feel

Kris, you don't need to apologize for taking anyone's time. We're here to help if we can.

I'm glad at least you realize that it's not your responsibility to prove to him that he deserves love or to fix any of his many problems. But this is a prime example of what I've noticed over the years, how a man as messed up as your ex can still find a woman who is willing to stand by his side and love him through it, whereas a man would have left a woman who had even half the issues your ex has faster than a bullet leaves a gun. Men have it so easy, it's so unfair!

Times have changed, and we women need to learn to love more like men do, which means, you can have fond feelings for someone, but that doesn't mean you have to let them mess up your life. This guy has serious issues, and having him involved in your life would only mess it up, you get that, right? It's ok to still remember him and still have feelings for him as long as you realize that he can't contribute to a healthy, mutually respectful relationship, and he doesn't have the right to mess up your life. And you don't have to wait 20 years to know that you deserve better and that I'm sure you can find many well adjusted, stable men to date who will treat you well. I know it hurts, but it doesn't have to affect your life to such a degree. Every time you find yourself thinking about him, simply tell yourself "I'm soooo better off without that mess" and keep repeating it until you truly believe it. Hang in there.

 
Old 01-12-2006, 02:08 AM   #3
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 78
bluegreeneyeguy HB User
Re: I dont know what i feel

Another person can gain control over you by meeting you at a time when you are feeling low about yourself. With some mental manipulation. It is actually easy to get into anothers head, that they are letting the manipulator down, by not catering to the needs of the manipulator. It fills the void in your life.
You fell in love with the idea you could make a difference in this man"s life. This man is not relationship material at this time of his life.
The way out for you is to find out what your missing in your own life. Then you will see this man for what he really was. Many people (especially women) will waste many years of their life wondering why they weren"t good enough for a man who was unable to be loved at the time they had a relationship with them.
Ever hear this question about an ex. "Why didn"t he treat me like the way he treats her now"? Now you know the answer. START BEING GOOD TO YOURSELF. MOVE ON.

 
Old 01-12-2006, 10:59 AM   #4
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 128
wut2do HB User
Re: I dont know what i feel

working on it...lol, still have my moments...like last night...lol. thanks for your response, for the most part you are right. i am still trying to figure out how it happened, its not in my nature to let someone into my head,let alone make me feel like I'm doing somthing wrong..but unfortunalty the hold he got was very strong..lol. but everyday it breaks a little more and everyday i heal a little more. I am moving on, and out of this city..lol. I wasnt supposed to stay here long anyway, I only stayed because we met. I am somewhat of a wondering soul, I think I can conquer the world, I lost the will to do so for a while, but it too is returning. So in three months of to central america i go, and who knows what will happen after that.
Again, thanks for the response, had a moment of weakness last night but im going to be fine, hope my thread didnt bore you too much..lol
kris

 
Old 01-12-2006, 03:47 PM   #5
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 78
bluegreeneyeguy HB User
Re: I dont know what i feel

No thread is boring. A move would help you at this time.

 
Old 01-13-2006, 02:43 AM   #6
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 128
wut2do HB User
Re: I dont know what i feel

not a move...done too much moving in my life. but i am taking a vacation. lol, cant wait for blue skies and palm trees. lol
HiYa, I just got your post and thank you as well. lol, im sorry that my first thread was soo depressing, but im glad i found an outlet for those moments. as i said it has been six months and i think i am doing pretty well. trust me i know i am better off without him, if nothing else proves it my health does..lol, i lost about 200 pounds of ex boyfriend and 30 of my own lol. you are right he was messed up...lol. i said was,...he IS messed up and until he sorts himself out he will never treat a girl the way he should, and he knew that, i knew that, we just didnt want to admit it. hes not a bad person, if he was he would have stayed, as ironic as that sounds. im thankful he left because i wouldnt have had it in me to make him and now he is gone and i miss him, but i know that my life is better off without him dragging me down. it makes me sad to think about how low he feels, but it would have made me sadder if he would have taken me down with him too. i dont know if that came out right, but i know he left because he cared and i know he wouldnt want me to be hung up on him. he knew me very well and i cant wait to get on with the rest of my life..the world is waiting.
i know i am still going to have my moments, but the bad days are wayy out numbered by the good ones now. thank you to you both for listening.
kris

 
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