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Old 01-12-2006, 04:01 AM   #1
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digmusic HB Userdigmusic HB Userdigmusic HB Userdigmusic HB User
Why doesn't he love me?

I saw my ex-boyfriend at a bar last night. He knew I'd be there and had the audacity to go, he's trying to act like we're gonna be buddy buddies now after being broken up for three days. He says he "just wants to be alone and have time to do selfish things" (whatever THAT means) but he was definitely flirting with girls already. He doesn't wanna be alone, I know him, he just is waiting for something better to come along. It hurts so much cause I love him/loved him so much and he just doesn't love me. It's so frustrating because I know mentally that I should be angry and that he isn't treating me very well, but I love him and I can't help it. I feel like I'm going crazy. I can't sleep and he consumes all my thoughts. I don't know where I'm going with this, I just needed to vent and some support.

 
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Old 01-12-2006, 04:18 AM   #2
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Hiya HB User
Re: Why doesn't he love me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by digmusic
I saw my ex-boyfriend at a bar last night. He knew I'd be there and had the audacity to go, he's trying to act like we're gonna be buddy buddies now after being broken up for three days. He says he "just wants to be alone and have time to do selfish things" (whatever THAT means) but he was definitely flirting with girls already. He doesn't wanna be alone, I know him, he just is waiting for something better to come along. It hurts so much cause I love him/loved him so much and he just doesn't love me. It's so frustrating because I know mentally that I should be angry and that he isn't treating me very well, but I love him and I can't help it. I feel like I'm going crazy. I can't sleep and he consumes all my thoughts. I don't know where I'm going with this, I just needed to vent and some support.
The more time I spend on these boards, the less I understand why men do the hurtful, hateful, stupid things they do, and the more I appreciate my dog. I don't think I'll ever understand why it's so easy for a man to totally annihilate a woman, rip her guts out and stomp on her heart like it was nothing, and skip on his merry little way. There are some men who have been hurt by women the same way, but women who make a habit out of doing this to men are called not very nice names, and are catagorized as a certain kind of woman, whereas for men, it seems to be the norm and it's our job to just "get over it." They dont' seem to understand the women are capable of exeriencing love and feeling in our heart to such a degree that it alters and changes us, who we are, how we see ourselves, what we think, how we experience the world, etc., forever. I guess your lout of an ex boyfriend, probably to feel less guilty, is tryign to convince himself that you fel the same way he does, and that you should be "over" the relationship like he is. Many men, especially younger men, have a real problem with honesty. They will look you in the eye and tell you they love you, when they know it isn't true, but they will say it anyway, because they don't feel up to telling you the truth just yet. It sucks. It hurts like no other kind of hurt. But I think we have no choice but to try to put it in perspective and try to see it more like they do. The relationship was something you did once, somethign you tried for a while, for whatever reasons that don't really matter, it didn't work, oh well, move onto the next guy. I was actually thinking about this last night, that it makes sense to see it like Charlotte on Sex and the City described it once, that "maybe we (our best girlfriends and the important, constant people in our lives) can be each other's soul mates, and men are just these nice guys we have fun with." Until you have a ring on your finger, I think we'd be better off taking it more lightly like they do, and don't give anyone else the ability to totally lay you so low.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad now, I know how much it hurts. Maybe it would be better to avoid any and all contact with your ex until you're feeling better about the break up and can be ok with it. No calling, emailing, anything, and if he shows up where you are, leave. Don't put yourself through seeing him flirt with other girls. The fact is, all the lame excuses he gave you about why he wanted to break up are just that, lame excuses. He just didn't develop feelings as deeply as you did. Chalk it up to lessons learned and experience, and do your best to occupy your time and mind, and move on.

 
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Old 01-12-2006, 04:21 AM   #3
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Re: Why doesn't he love me?

its good that you realise the type of person he really is, at least you have not got your head up in the clouds thinking he is a fantastic man who does love you.

Rejection is really hard in any shape or form but even harder when you actually love the person...i dont know what to say to you really i just wanted to reply as i have been there before and i do know how you feel. the only advice i can really give you,and it probably wont make you feel any better right now but il say it anyway, you should try and think of this as a favour he has done you becuase in a way it is as when you really think about it do you honestley want to be with someone who thinks its ok to treat someone they are supposed to love this way? well at the moment you probably cant see past the fact that you want him and no-one else but in time you will realise that you are better off away from him and with someone who wants to love you the way you love them and treat you with respect and really care for you,

One thing i can say about this man is that he is right he is very selfish and has absloutley no consideration for your feelings. you dont need someone like that in your life dragging you down. whereas now that you are not with him anymore you will likely find a great man who will love you so much and look back at this situation and say to yourself: wow, what was i thinking, he is such a selfish jerk! and i bet in months/years to come this ashole will have been in and straight back out of meaningless relationships and begin to feel empty inside and will probably never find someone as good as you and will spend his days lonely and full of regret.

Start going out,having fun and meeting new people and leave him to fulfill his 'selsfifh needs'......

i know it is really hard, constantly wondering what he is doing/who is he wiht and sometimes you almost feel like you are going to have to chop your hand off to stop you calling him! but try your very best to get past this as you dont need a jerk like this in your life however much you feel like you do.

Time is the only healer, just stay strong, stay away from him and try to be happy!

 
Old 01-12-2006, 05:15 AM   #4
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Music4All HB User
Re: Why doesn't he love me?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiya
There are some men who have been hurt by women the same way, but women who make a habit out of doing this to men are called not very nice names, and are catagorized as a certain kind of woman, whereas for men, it seems to be the norm and it's our job to just "get over it." .
If it seems like this is the norm to some women, I think they have had a great missfortune in the men they have have chosen. I think men, in a similar number as women, would say the same things about each other.

Soemtimes there is nothing much one can do except feel bad and grieve for a while.

 
Old 01-12-2006, 06:54 AM   #5
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Re: Why doesn't he love me?

A man can only hurt you as much as you let him. Just realize he's an immature worm and not a real man and move on. Every thing that happens in your life is not a judgement on YOU--sometimes the other person is just a jerk and you have to pick up and move on. Just stay away from him and stop torturing yourself over it. Find a new bar to go to, or better yet, stop hanging out in bars and find other places to meet guys. I know a few women met great guys in bars, but I also know that more women meet great big jerks in bars and there are other places to meet guys.

 
Old 01-12-2006, 07:18 AM   #6
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Re: Why doesn't he love me?

I know how you feel as I've also been completely crushed by a man I loved more than once. It feels scary to even contemplate opening up again. The best advice I can give you is to NOT be his "buddy-buddy." Avoid all contact with him, otherwise you will drive yourself crazy seeing him, talking to him, and knowing you can't have him anymore and he doesn't want to be with you like he used to. Not to mention seeing him flirt with or pick up other women. I would avoid him like the plague. He sounds like an insensitive, immature jerk. Try to live your life the best you can, one day at a time, and hopefully one day you will meet the man who would never dream about hurting you in any way or leaving you. Take care

 
Old 01-12-2006, 09:54 AM   #7
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Re: Why doesn't he love me?

Well, in my experience I felt really devestated once after a breakup with a guy who was a worthless piece of selfish rudeness... he ended up wanting me back and after a few days I realized I was totally over him and I felt a weight life up off me.. I told him he threatened to kill himself, and I told him I was not responsible for him and that was that.... he didn't kill himself and I was liberated from his hold on me... I guess it was just hard to be the one who get broken... but then it really didn't matter in the end.... and I wished I had seen it soooooooo much sooner how terrible he was...but I do think sometimes no matter how well we know that the guy isn't worth it, it still hurts to be the one on the recieving end of goodbye... even sometimes if we wanted out anyway.. but remember it means nothing about how lovable and wonderful you are.. it just means you two weren't right for one another, because the right one won't hurt like that, and you will be happy.... Always ask yourself if you can live if you never see this person again and if thier first kiss is the last first kiss you'll ever need, if not don't get to deep. I know how bad you feel. I thought I would never be better again. I am married, and have a daughter now, and despite any faults my hubby has, I do know he loves me. And if anything ever happened, I know I am good enough without anyone. Good Luck, I think you will meet someone really great and totally forget about this jerk, and who knows maybe when he sees you happy with someone else, it will really goad him, even though he may think it won't!!!

 
Old 01-12-2006, 10:34 AM   #8
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lady346 HB User
Re: Why doesn't he love me?

[QUOTE=Hiya]The more time I spend on these boards, the less I understand why men do the hurtful, hateful, stupid things they do, and the more I appreciate my dog. I don't think I'll ever understand why it's so easy for a man to totally annihilate a woman, rip her guts out and stomp on her heart like it was nothing, and skip on his merry little way. There are some men who have been hurt by women the same way, but women who make a habit out of doing this to men are called not very nice names, and are catagorized as a certain kind of woman, whereas for men, it seems to be the norm and it's our job to just "get over it." They dont' seem to understand the women are capable of exeriencing love and feeling in our heart to such a degree that it alters and changes us, who we are, how we see ourselves, what we think, how we experience the world, etc., forever. [END QUOTE]

I cannot agree with you more on this, Hiya. Im experiencing the same thing, as Im sure you all have read from my extensive posts. I dont understand it- why guys can do this and feel OK with themselves- and I never thought my ex would EVER hurt me the way he did. EVER. If you read my thread, digmusic, theres a lot of my thoughts and just the way i tried to deal in there. I really think its just time that will allow us to heal, and working on our self-esteem alone (and cut out your ex!!!) All in all, these men DO NOT deserve us at all...they are selfish and cruel and it is a shame we have to find out by getting our hearts ripped out.

 
Old 01-12-2006, 11:03 AM   #9
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Re: Why doesn't he love me?

i know how you feel. it's one of the worst pains imaginable. but don't torture yourself with the question 'why doesn't he love me?' for too long, because it's only going to make you crazy. for whatever reason, he didn't want to continue in the relationship any longer. it's fine to grieve and examine what your role was in the breakup, but not for so long that it stops your life. it's only been a few days. just take it easy on yourself and for the time being try to avoid contact with him, as hard as that can be. if you even know that there's a remote chance he will show up somewhere that you are, go somewhere else. you may think that keeping yourself in his sight is to your advantage, but it's not. you don't need to think about who he may or may not be with, so just, for now, wash your hands of it. a little mind trick i played with myself when this happened to me was, 'well, if i feel this intensely in a three months, i'll contact him'. then, when those three months had passed, i realized i felt a little better, and i would say to myself, 'if i still feel bad in six months, i'll contact him'. needless to say, i never succumbed to the urge to call him. you WILL feel better. i am living proof of that. this is just the beginning of a whole new and better time in your life. you will just become a better and better person each day, and you will find someone who suits you better.

try not to fall into the trap of men-are-so-heartless-how-could-he-do-this-to-me? it will just make you bitter and jaded and angry. men and women alike are fallible; they screw up all the time. i am not angry at my ex as much as i feel sadness that i thought he threw something good away. but the experiences i have had in this past year far outweigh what i would have had if we'd stayed together. i am more alive than i would ever have been with him. you will be, too, without your ex.

 
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