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Old 01-12-2006, 06:22 AM   #1
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Something is bothering me....

Hey guys. I need a little advice. I have always believed and relied on my gut feelings, and here the last little while I have had a nagging feeling that something is just not right with the guy I have been seeing the past few months. Why does this happen, what is wrong with me that all I can seem to attract is a heartache?

Just to sum it up a little bit, he pursued me for about a month and a half (persistently), and I wouldn't go out, explained to him that I had been hurt and wasn't ready to start dating. He never missed a night to call, said all the right things, did all the right things, told me he would be there when I was ready, and so he was. Because of the way that he was, I let my guard down and let him in, thought I could really trust him with my feelings, and now my feelings have been hurt several times. There has been a couple of things that have happened where I probably should have just walked away then, but I haven't, and it's the little things that I have noticed lately he doesn't seem to do as much that is bothering me, like always call, when he says he's going to or just to say good night, want to spend time with me, as much as possible. Sometimes I feel as though I am this convenient girlfriend to him, and I don't want to be that way. I don't want to get back anything less than what I can give. I should say that he has been very badly hurt in the past, and I know that he is scared, but we have talked about the way I have been feeling a couple of times, and he has agreed that he knows he hasn't been treating me right and he needs to change. Please give me advice, I don't know what to do and for some reason I can't shake I feel like I am heading down a road toward a heartbreak.

 
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Old 01-12-2006, 08:00 AM   #2
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Re: Something is bothering me....

Hi, Cinting I think that what is really important for you right now is to not make yourself so totally dependent on this guy to be your sole source of happiness. Sometimes we fall easily into the mindset that this is why we have a boyfriend/girlfriend. The thing is, this sort of thinking is so unhealthy.

You need to balance this relationship with other avenues that make you happy like your work, hobbies, friends and other interests. It is not fair of you or him to make each other become the only source of happiness. I have a feeling without each of you actually knowing it, with your past hurt and all, that this is exactly what is happening. And the thing is.....that this is too much of a burden to place upon another person and unfair to do. Seems like your boyfriend, may be without his even knowing it, be taking a step back because he is realizing how dependent each of you are becoming upon one another and feels in a sense that this ought to change.

Do you do other things that make you feel good about yourself like pursing hobbies and interests that allow you to be around other people besides those you work with or your boyfriend??? Because if you do not, then I think that it is time that you do. And how about your boyfriend...does he have other interests outside of the relationship??

Outside interests and involvement actually add flavor to a relationship. It is what most attracts us to another person....think about it, if your boyfriend only did what you did and spent 100% of his time with you without any other interests you would over time find yourself somewhat bored in that particular situation.

I am most attracted to my husband when he comes back from flyfishing, when he shoots his BB gun doing target practice, when he takes a sunfish out sailing and comes back smelling of saltwater. And I know that he is attracted to me after I come back from town with my newest accomplishment whether it be finding a new antique, book, or sharing with him how I volunteered to bring my neighbor out food shopping rather than her taking a cab. Or the new computer course I signed up for at the library so I don't curse at my PC the next time I don't know what I am doing!!! All these things add up to round you out to the person that the other is most attracted to.

I hope this all makes some type of sense. Do Not go giving up on this relationship....just don't think of it as your onl source of fulfillment in life. And also.....do not make the mistake of thinking just because things have let up a little that you are in a relationship like your last one...this is a whole different guy so please do not make the mistake of convincing yourself that he will turn out to be ljust ike the other guy because that would be so unfair of you to do. It would be like him thinking that you are just like the last girl that broke his heart, which of course, you are not!!!

Take this time to balance the relationship out in the sense of not making it the beginning & end of it all.....balance it with the wonderful things in life in between so that you two are the Oreo cookie around all the creme!!

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 01-12-2006 at 08:05 AM.

 
Old 01-12-2006, 08:34 AM   #3
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Re: Something is bothering me....

Goody, thank you so much for that wonderful post!! I agree with everything you say, and I know that fear of being hurt can cause hesitation and doubts. I really don't have friends that I run around with, but I do spend time with my mom and sister, and I am going back to school. I have 2 classes this semester, and have started going to the gym with a couple of girls that I work with. I don't want us to spend all our time together, but I do think that he shouldn't stop calling me, and I think we should spend some time together through the week and on the weekends. One thing that did hurt my feelings is the first night of my class, he said he would call, and then he didn't. He knew I was excited about going back to school and he didn't even care enough to call and ask how it went. When someone does something on a regular basis and then for no apparent reason, it stops, is it not normal to wonder why the change? He has basically told me that he has time for me when he doesn't have anything else to do. How can a relationship become something serious if you don't spend time together and if you don't show the other you care? What are some things I should maybe draw a line on, like going to a bar?

 
Old 01-12-2006, 09:11 AM   #4
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Re: Something is bothering me....

Cinting ~ Seems to me by my calculation that you are now approaching a crossroad in your relationship. You say he pursued you for a month and a half but I am guessing that you have been together a little longer than that. But still less than 6 months or so....right??

Well if that is so.....you are both at the point of establishing whether this is going to be something more serious or not. And I have a feeling, by what you share, that both of you are extremely scared about that because of the hurt you have had in your past relationships.

Perhaps it is time that you talked to one another about this.....sounds as if you have already started to but in more of a confrontational way. Do something different perhaps like inviting him over and cooking him a nice meal. Make it a 5 course and take the risk of making him feel very special. During this time tell him how you feel and although you have been hurt in the past you think that he is worth the risk and that you sense that he is as scared as you about opening up his heart to someone else. Tell him that you realize this and want to show him that it's okay to feel close to somebody else again and that although there are really no guarantees you only intend to make sure that he can trust you to take care of his heart if he will be brave enough to open it up again. Tell him how you are feeling the same way and that you trust that he will be able to safeguard your heart in the same way.

I really think that his backing away has to do with fear. He's in familiar waters now where he really cares and is afraid that if he proceeds as he has in the past, that it will only lead to hurt & disappointment. You need to somehow reassure him that you do not want to hurt or disappoint him. He needs to trust you as you need to learn to trust him. With two people hurting and resisting at the same time it is dificult to move forward. One of you is going to have to take the risk and show the other that it'll be alright to go forward in the relationship and that things will turn out differently.

He knows, as you have already described, that he is not doing the right thing. As I said I think that he is doing so out of fear....if somehow you can alleviate that I think that things should go back to normal. Do not bring up his flaws and how he is disppointing you....he already knows he is dong it. Instead focus your energies into finding out why he is doing so.....that is what is key.

You say that he only has time for you when he has nothing else to do. How often does he call and how often do you see one another??? And how does that compare to the past??? Just trying to gauge things here because as anyone will tell you....in the beginning of a relationship everyone is on their BEST behavior. However, when reality sets in, things DO change and things level off to something more realistic. When I was first dating my husband he played hooky from work and saw me all the time, called me from work when he could have gotten into trouble and took all sorts of risks. Eventuall he realized that he couldn't do crazy things like that anymore without losing his job and so it was back to reality. Perhaps that is where you two are as well.....although his saying that he only wants to see you when he has nothing else to do doesn't give me a warm feeling. There's more to that and I think when you get down to it....it is fear!!

Time will tell..but like I said it's going to take a risk on one of your parts....the question is...which one of you is the bravest????

(((HUGS))) ~ Goody

 
Old 01-12-2006, 11:08 AM   #5
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Re: Something is bothering me....

Cinting, it is inevitable in any relationship to become less romantic after (in my experience) 6 months? Like Goody said, it IS very unhealthy that you focus on each other a 100%, first becuase you will then start to expect this intense attention all the time, and this is unrealistic, and second becuase other things and people will become more exciting/attractive because they less available. Goody is absolutely right to say try to strike a balance, and from the start, because once you become emotionally dependent, it will become SO hard to pull out!
Let your past experience go away....people who have been hurt in the past (and I am one of them) are oversensitive, and maybe more emtionally needy.
The worst thing that can happen in a relationship is that two people take each other for granted. It will make the relationship very dull. It is great that your relatioship is maintaining suspense, and hasn't got to this level of boredom.
Good luck

Last edited by Nina000; 01-12-2006 at 11:09 AM.

 
Old 01-12-2006, 11:27 AM   #6
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Re: Something is bothering me....

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
He has basically told me that he has time for me when he doesn't have anything else to do....What are some things I should maybe draw a line on, like going to a bar?
I'm curious if he actually told you that or you are inferring that from his actions.

Also, drawing a line is not a bad thing, providing you follow two very strict rules for line drawing (often considered ultimatums). First, the line must represent an absolute deal breaker issue for you. Something that, if it does not happen, will cause you to leave the relationship. Second, lines soon lose credibility if the person drawing the line does not have the will to enforce it. Of course, enforcing may mean ending the relationship.

So, if it is not a deal breaker or you will end up backing down if he doesn't follow the line you drew, you would be making a big mistake taking that route.

 
Old 01-12-2006, 11:27 AM   #7
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Re: Something is bothering me....

Goody, I have taken that risk, twice actually. I have told him how I feel, and how he is making me feel. I have not been bossy or controlling, and I am not like that, I don't want someone that does things because I want them to, I want someone to do things because they want to. I know he is scared, but he is no more scared than I was, and I would never do anything to hurt his feelings, because of the fact I know he is scared, I have been really careful to not do just that. The last talk we had about this he said he knew he needed to change and that he wants to be with me, wants to have a relationship with me, that no one has ever treated him the way I do. I thought it was all worked out, but then he didn't call when I had my first night of class (a big thing for me and I am really excited about it), he is busy sometimes in the evenings and now I will be a few days a week, but he had this week to spend time with me, and he said he was going to. I thought we would see each other last night, but he chose to do something else, and when I commented on that I was feeling like he is playing with my emotions, he said I was talking childish. He sorta told me he couldn't give me more, but I don't think I am expecting more than what a healthy relationship should be. I really think we could have something, but I can't do it by myself.

 
Old 01-12-2006, 11:31 AM   #8
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Re: Something is bothering me....

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
but I don't think I am expecting more than what a healthy relationship should be. I really think we could have something, but I can't do it by myself.
Have you both discussed what you consider are activities and behaviors that would represent a "healthy relationship"? Maybe he thinks things are healthy as they are and you have a different set of rules/idea about what healthy looks like.

 
Old 01-12-2006, 11:35 AM   #9
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Re: Something is bothering me....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Music4All
I'm curious if he actually told you that or you are inferring that from his actions.

So, if it is not a deal breaker or you will end up backing down if he doesn't follow the line you drew, you would be making a big mistake taking that route.
I actually told him that was how I felt and he told me I was right.

I haven't gave any ultimatums, and I really don't want to. He does go to a bar on the weekends sometimes, drinks and dances, and I did tell him how I felt about it. I think if you are trying to have a relationship with someone, that's not something you should be doing. Guess I was hoping he would make that decision based on the way he feels about me.

I thought we had struck a balance at the start. I wasn't ready for a relationship, he led me to believe he was and that's what he wanted, and he felt like we could have something good. Why did he say those things if he couldn't follow through? Why did he pick someone who was upfront and honest about their feelings, fears, doubts and start something it seems he can't finish?

Thanks guys for all the replies.

 
Old 01-12-2006, 11:48 AM   #10
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cinting HB User
Re: Something is bothering me....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Music4All
Have you both discussed what you consider are activities and behaviors that would represent a "healthy relationship"? Maybe he thinks things are healthy as they are and you have a different set of rules/idea about what healthy looks like.
We talked alot about relationships before we ever went out the first time. I thought we had the same views. I feel like if I say anymore about the way I am feeling, he is just going to feel as though I am running it in the ground, especially if he doesn't think there is anything wrong. Shouldn't he want to see me more and do things with me? It is as though he sees me when it's convenient for him, maybe I shouldn't be available? It really all depends on how he is working, things like that how often we see each other. We used to see each other more, even when he was working because he made more of a effort, now I feel as though it's really only on the weekend, if he doesn't have something else he is wanting to do?

 
Old 01-12-2006, 11:50 AM   #11
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Re: Something is bothering me....

It is very rarely unsafe to see things as they appear. That is to say, if it seems like a thing idd, it probably is. If it seems odd that he says one thing and does another, it is probably the thing he does that is real and not the thing he says.

It is often very unwise to see how things, are and yet create questions and confusion in your mind in order to avoid what you don't like abou what you see. Ask yourself, if a man appeared magically to you and he expressed a desire to have a relationship with you and his feelings were true and his motives pure would he act like your current bf is. If not, it is reasonable to say that what you see on the surface is how it is, and only hurt and denial can be blamed for twisting the clarity of what you see into the confusion you are associating with him and the relationship.

A good rule of thumb is, if you find yourslef asking the "why" question more than a couple of times, there is likely a reality not being accepted.

 
Old 01-12-2006, 12:09 PM   #12
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Re: Something is bothering me....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Music4All
A good rule of thumb is, if you find yourslef asking the "why" question more than a couple of times, there is likely a reality not being accepted.
That's a good point. I probably need to accept the reality that he is just not that into me, I am not the one he wants to try to have a good relationship with. And that hurts.

 
Old 01-12-2006, 01:09 PM   #13
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Re: Something is bothering me....

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
That's a good point. I probably need to accept the reality that he is just not that into me, I am not the one he wants to try to have a good relationship with. And that hurts.
I know it hurts, cinting, especially after the bad break up you had before this, and all the hope that yolu had that maybe this time you found "the one" or at least a really nice guy to share some of life's moments with. But I think Music4all is right. The thing we women who "love too much" tend to do is try to cram a square peg into a round hole and pray somehow it will magically fit because we just don't want to be alone, or we don't want to give up the good parts of the relationship we have, even though the bad parts may really stink. I'm not naturally as dispassionate about this as some of the other women here are or have been, so I have learned that I have to create some artificial dispassion. This may not sound like the greatest advice, but simply to survive, I've had to really harden my heart a lot. There's a new big romantic period piece movie coming out called Tristan and Isolde, and the ads for it show these two star crossed lovers in an embrace and she asks him "how many have you loved before me" and he replies breathless, "none!" and she asks "how many after me?" and he replies again, more breathless "none!" This was the silly, unrealistic, overly romantic idea of love I had, and dreamed all my life of finding some day, still have to an extent, but all it's done is cause me so much pain, because it doesn't really exist. Half the people who are married now will be divorced in 5 years, and I'd guess that 75% of the ones that stay married probably should get divorced. Love is so rare, and not everyone gets to have it. But if you want a nice guy to have fun with and share some good times with, then it's important to keep it in perspective. Like the ladies here say, the idea of finding that one person who makes all your dreams come true, who "completes you" I think some people do find that, I have heard several married people tell me that they don't know what they would do without their spouse, that their spouse is "their life" and all that, but as sad and as disappointing and disillusioning as it is, not everyone gets that, in fact very few people get it, and it's just not a realistic goal. Iin your situation, looking at it logically and dispassionately, I think you have two choices: 1) accept this guy for who and what he is, don't get too attached and just have light fun and enjoy what he's willing to give for as long as it lasts, or 2) move on and continue the search for the one who can give you what you're really after in a relationship, but keep in mind, what you may be after may be incredibly rare and almost impossible to find. Or you could continue to date him, and see other people as well, and let him know that you are not ready to be exclusive. Be really careful about giving too much of your heart to someone who hasn't earned it. If he's this inattentive and neglectful after only a couple of months...

 
Old 01-12-2006, 01:42 PM   #14
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Re: Something is bothering me....

Hyia, you make a good point, albeit a sad one - that the concept of love is one often taken too much to heart. I don't really think most breakups occur because love dies. I think just as many break up because, even the most star-crossed lovers learn eventually that love is not enough when day to day life starts to happen. People do things that begin to deeply irritate the other, or start making foolish life decisions that causes a loss of respect for the other. Some couples rely solely on love getting them through hard times but forget to discuss what religion the kids will be raised or what each other believes the value of money is or how much time is necessary to spend with in-laws or what if I feel like taking a job that pays half as much as I make now because I really want to make a living being a cobbler.

I think having a starry vision of love is not so bad, so long as one never thinks love is enough to make the realtionship last forever. That is likely where things start to go bad. I guess the perfect relationship would be a love like Tristan and Isolde with a pragmatic understaning that other details need to be worked out as well.

Last edited by Music4All; 01-12-2006 at 01:44 PM.

 
Old 01-12-2006, 02:05 PM   #15
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Re: Something is bothering me....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Music4All
I guess the perfect relationship would be a love like Tristan and Isolde with a pragmatic understaning that other details need to be worked out as well.
Oh, absolutely, in a perfect world, that would be the goal. But even then, it doesn't always happen. My ex and I had so many things in common it wasn't even funny, and we talked endlessly about religion, how we would raise the kids, career goals, where and how we would live, etc. and the things that broke us up seem so silly and stupid to me now, but what it all boiled down to is that we just couldn't sustain a relationship. I don't think it was an issue of love not being enough, because I don't think love was ever there at all, on his side, but the bottom line is, sometimes, most times, two people just don't mesh enough to make it in the long haul, and it doesn't really matter why. You only end up miserable if you care too much about finding everlasting love with "the one." Cinting, I hope this doesn't discourage you too much, I just dont' want you to set yourself up for another hurt. As miraculous and wonderful as love is, and as much as we may want it, we can't let it destroy us when something doesn't pan out like we hoped. We must learn to either enjoy it for what it is for a little while, or cut our losses and tearlessly and happily move on and not look back.

Last edited by Hiya; 01-12-2006 at 02:18 PM.

 
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