Is not wanting to be affectionate in public being disrespectful to your boyfriend?
I am very mature for my age and I was taught that being too affectionate in public is tacky! It is, I see it all the time and it grosses me out!
The problem: I love my boyfriend and he loves me, but he gets really mad when I dont want to kiss him in Public and says its really disrespectful to him! I dont mind a kiss on the cheek or a peck on the lips, but sometimes I get really embarrassed to even do that in public and I cant help it! he thinks that I am embarrassed to be seen with him, thats why I push away! and thats not true!
Last night we were at a game and he tried to kiss me and I didnt want to kiss I just wanted to have fun!, well he got mad and pushed me away like I was a dog or something and didnt talk to me the rest of the game! He told me that I disrespected him by not wanting to show affection around other people!
That was a blow in the face because he knows how I feel about that Issue and I felt disrespected when he pushed me away!
We have been dating for 9 months and i am going crazy because now it seems like every other thing I do is "DISRESPECTFUL"! and I dont understand!
When I confront him about him disrespecting me, like rolling his eyes at me for no apparent reason, he says because YOU make me! Everything is YOU, YOU, YOU!!!! Lately, hes been making me feel like everything is MY fault and that he is never wrong nor disrespectful in any way! I really love him and I want our reationship to work, but I dont agree with his meaning of disrespect! Am I wrong for feeling this way? I just need advice and maybe hear some opinions from other people too!
...he says because YOU make me! Everything is YOU, YOU, YOU!!!! Lately, hes been making me feel like everything is MY fault and that he is never wrong nor disrespectful in any way!
This is one of the biggest, redest flags a young woman should heed right at the beginning of starting serious relationships. Anyone, even an imature boy, that starts the "you, you, you - it's your fault" routine, and not understanding and disrespecting your positions and opinions is only leading your down the path to second guessing yourself and always asking why does he do this or doesn't do this. Nip it in the bud right away or run. Those are the only healthy options you have. State your position, make it clear, tell him you care about him but expect him to respect your values and rules. If he takes you down the blame game road....don't waste your breath or time! Demand respect and if he won't give it, he is not worth it.
music4all hit it right on! you are not disrespecting him it is he who is disrespecting you.You say you even told him earlier on you didnt do affection like that in public well since he still stayed with you he needs to respect that or move on.Dont allow this guy to make you feel like crap by blaming you for everything do as music4all said and either put the foot down or dump him.
Last edited by tnmomofive; 01-12-2006 at 04:46 PM.
Thanks for all the advice! The thing is I Know he's backwords on the whole disrespect thing! He said he only disrespects when he is provoked! That's what is so frustrating because i know I dont do anything that bad to provoke him! It's like he is in denile his disrespectfulness towards me. I guess I dont exactly know how to put my foot down? I tried once and it blew up in my face! It's like he doesnt listen to me!? or he only hears what he wants to hear! It's funny because he is starting to tell me that I have changed, that I am not the same person he fell in love with? He said, before I would never argue or talk back to him, and the only reason I do argue with him is because he will say things that should not have been said and it annoys me!
Gee, I can see how not kissing in public OK as ones own personal morals.But if at a really happy moment at a game if I leaned over to give my man a kiss and he rejected me,my feelings would be hurt.And I think anyone who saw that happen would feel bad about it too.I could see if you were on some date with a stranger or someone you have no relationship with where it would be ok to reject a simple kiss but not your boyfriend.It wasn't like he was going to turn it into a big makout scene.He was just giving you a kiss.It wouldn't have hurt to go ahead and have given him the kiss,then later in private tell him to remember not to do that anymore.I'm sure your rejecting him in front of a crowd was quite embarrassing.
Anyway it was too small of an incident to be fighting about as much as you both seem to be.It seems the both of you are blowing off your relationship over a kiss.Thats sad.
Last edited by daylight568; 01-12-2006 at 08:06 PM.
See when I thought about it from his perspective, i thought the same thing you did! and I did feel bad! but it's not like I looked at him like a dirty dog and made a big scene! No, I think he made a bigger scene by pushing me away and not talking to me the rest of the game! Then later that night I asked him in a very calm and respectable way why he treated me like that and he got all defensive? After he insisted that I've changed and that the only reason he is disrespectful towards me is because I provoke him, I did not feel like telling him how i feel because no matter what I say, he is never going to see the situation from my point of view! ugh...now I feel like I am complaining! I would have put my feelings aside, but I guess I am just more forgiving!
He said he only disrespects when he is provoked! !
Please drop this guy like a bad habit. The next phase will be, "I only hit you because you made me...if you wouldn't do what you do, I wouldn't have to smack you".
You are already second guessing and wondering why. Asking "why" is a good indicator things are not right. You can put your foot down if you are strong and accept that not all relationships can be forced into being right. If you have to play these games and deal with this drama, you are in a wrong relationship. You can put your foot down, you just don't yet want to accept the consequences of it.
This is not about a kiss, it is about disresepcting soemones decisions and values. The kiss is almost irrelevent. To focus on the kiss trivializes this guys contempt for his girfriends wishes. For him to say I only do this when I am provoked is the serious issue. If a boy/man ever tries to make you feel guilty or bad because you do not do what he says you should do or he wants you to do, you need to reinforce to yourself that that is unacceptable and likely a sign of things to come.
How do you know he was truly disrepecting her feelings.Maybe he just had that burst of love feeling and simply forgot.Maybe he just misunderstood that she doesn't want to be kissed period out in public.Whatever the case I don't think anybody did anything really "wrong".They both just hurt each others feelings.I think she should not see him anymore,but not because he is disrepectful but because of her fear of being kissed in public again.If it causes her this much distress than she needs to find someone with the same morals as her.
She has said she is agreeable to kiss him in a modest manner in public. It doesn't sound like she has a "fear" of kissing in public, it looks like she has a value she wants her boyfriend to respect. He wants to be able to insist they kiss in the manner he wishes in public. His contempt for her is evident in his indication that she has "provoked" him into being mad. Any man that uses this rationalization to support his anger is trouble for any woman willing to chalk it up as hurt feelings.
She has said she is agreeable to kiss him in a modest manner in public. She has no fear, she has a value. He disrespects her values by insisting they kiss in the manner he wishes in public. His contempt for her is evident in his indication that she has "provoked" him into being mad. Any man that uses this rationalization to support his anger is trouble for any woman willing to chalk it up as hurt feelings.
What she says and what she does are two different things.She wouldn't except a quick kiss at a game.Theres no manner to that.She just doesn't want to be kissed in public anywhere.How is he suppose to know and when and where hes "allowed " to kiss her. And you don't know that he didn't forget.She only mentions this happening one time, so in my opinion hes not provoking or insisting anything.She should just tell them that they have to ask her first anytime they want a kiss.Did she say that?no.She more or less said, I'll except a quick kiss or peck but when I feel like it and leaves him in the black.He has feelings too you know and shes no better than he is calling him disrepectful than she is calling him disrespectful. She needs to be with a guy that will not kiss in public at all.No guy can read a womens mind to know when the right time and place is.I agree he shouldn't have pushed her away, but nobody is perfect.A lot of the woman on this forum are just looking for ANY excuse to dump a guy simply because they don't want a steady relationship with anybody.Most people are human with real feelings that can get hurt.You aren't going to find that perfect man thats going to bow down to your every wish and command.Its not gonna happen, so just keep looking for those excuses to not have a relationship with anybody but don't blame it all on the guy just because he's human and not that dog that will obey your every wish and command.
Last edited by daylight568; 01-13-2006 at 09:35 AM.
Ok let me start off by saying I am not trying to point fingers on who is disrespecting who! Your right men cant read minds, but neither can women! And for me to believe that any guy will obey my every wish and every command is just plain stupid because its never gonna happen! But sometimes I feel thats what he expects of me! Every couple has there expectations of each other right! I for one dont expect all my expectations to be met because its inpossible and I'll admit when a specific expectation is not met my mood does change. But I dont go all crazy and turn into a beast, no I keep it to myself! and I am beginning to realize that by keeping it to myself does make me start looking for excuses not to be in a relationship! No body is Perfect! and to ease things up a little I know for a fact that he would never hit me! and if he ever did I know I would have the sense to get out! He is an only child, so i think this is why he is the way he is. He is very stubborn and I know sometimes I can be too. Although we hardly fight, when we do it's usually the both of us trying to prove ourselves right! Other than the confusion on disrespect, we have a great relationship! We are supposed to talk about the issue later on tonight, I will let you know the outcome! And i have thought about all of your comments and I do see the value of your points, thank you!
I always had trouble with the people who use the word disrespect or the word attitude alot when describing how another treats them.
It"s kinda sad when two people can"t figure out what"s a good amount of affection to show in public. How did you ever meet each other?