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Old 01-12-2006, 05:58 PM   #1
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what is happening to my marriage?

hello
Ihave been reading through here for a couple days now and have given advice,but really I need advice myself.In order to really explain things it would go on way to long so I will try and sum it all up as best I can breifly..

ok I have been married for 7 years now,but with my hubby for much longer (16 years).I have been finding over the last say 2 years or so that some things just really do not seem right to me.First off all we have 5 kids together and so after the birth of my last child I have not lost the weight yet.Anyway,I find myself wondering if this why my husband tends to sleep on the couch alot of nights ,or at least some of the reason.If this how it is obviously that wouldnt make me very happy.I have talked to him about this and I always feel like im being blown off he says things like "i was just very tired put a movie in and fell asleep" or "im sorry just been a bad day."To me maybe here and there the very tired thing would be believeable,but sometimes this is 3 and 4 nights in a row! That other excuse I wont even bother with just LAME!We did have a good period about a month ago I was suddenly feeling very attracted to him and I petty much let him now this so we had 1 great week and then back to the old same ol same ol ugh.

Next is this issue where he seems to think I should cater to his needs as in get his snacks ,meals,drinks for him he will call for me to get him these things sometimes no matter what I doing.I have done this and I know I prob shouldnt have because now I feel it is very annoying and disrespectful.He thinks because he works outside the home I should have no problem with this

we do have alot of stress in our lives for obvious reasons..5 kids which we do love dearly ,and the work at his job has taken a big downfall and all the other life things.

We got out alone (very rare lol) a couple weeks ago so I thought hey this could be a chance for us to maybe get some flame going again PFFFT this man took me shopping of all things lol and I dont mean shopping where he allows me to pick things and buy them for me I mean shopping where he does the majority of the picking and walks wherever through the stores while im tagging behide for the most part.needless to say this wasnt much fun for me.

Anyway, just the other day I commented to him that things seem to be going right back to the hum drum as before and I also stated that it seems like we cant be happy together in our relationship unless we have money to spare and things are looking up in our lives I told him this really really bothers me.I got no comment and he was about to leave for a fire dept meeting so he just told me when hed be back.AGAIN he slept on the ouch last night.


well I didnt want this to go on long but it has lol if anyone has any ideas ,advice,or can relate I am ready to hear it and thanks in advance for your time

 
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Old 01-13-2006, 06:28 AM   #2
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Re: what is happening to my marriage?

bump

hoping someone will respond

 
Old 01-13-2006, 08:36 AM   #3
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Re: what is happening to my marriage?

Hi, I"m new to these boards. You may not like what I have to say, but I'll give it a shot. First off, your husband is taking advantage of you. You aren't his servant. Just because he works outside the home, doesn't mean you should do everything. I have worked outside the home, and I have stayed home with the kids, and let me tell you that staying home is the harder job. That is your job during the day, after work and on weekends, both of you should be taking part in childcare and house chores and cooking, the whole bit. Does your husband work 24/7? I bet he doesn't, so why does he expect you to? When I stayed home with my kids, that was my job during the day, nights and weekends my husband did as much if not more than I did, and I also took time for myself, whether it be going out wtih freinds or to the gym or just out alone. Your husband should be bringing you things, spoiling you, cooking you dinners, it should be give and take. This is a huge pet peeve of mine. They are both of your kids, not just your kids, and you both live in the house, instead of planting himself on the couch and expecting you to serve him, he should be participating in raising his kids, and encouraging you, his wife, to relax and little and let him pick up the slack. with 5 kids you must have your hands full, and I can't even believe he that he would actually expect you to cater to him as well as take care of the kids. Never mind the fact he probably doesn't participate in the house chores or childcare much. As far as him sleeping on the couch, my husband does that too, occasionally he will fall asleep while watching TV, doesn't really bother me. I actually kind of like having the bed to myself sometimes. I'm not sure what it means in your case, but obviously it bugs you, and if it bugs you, he shoudl be willing to at least try to change it a bit, after all you are his wife and he should want you to be happy and confident. all I can tell you is if you want things to change you have to figure out what you want and will put up with. it sounds to me like your husband doesn't really take your feelings into consideration much and has the attitude that since you stay home you should be willing to just cater to him, but that is just my sense from the post. If it was me I would be having a serious talk with him, maybe even going to counseeling. Not sure what else to say here, but if you aren't happy you have to do something to change it.

Last edited by jenna_250; 01-13-2006 at 08:39 AM.

 
Old 01-13-2006, 09:35 AM   #4
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Re: what is happening to my marriage?

thanks jenna I didnt dislike what you had to say .of course i dislike my situation.I agree he should be helping more he will usualy make breakfast on saturdays and once in a while a dinner during the week ,but as far as house cleaning lol its been yrs since he helped with that.He does help with the kids but not a whole lot alot of times its just to get on them when acting up,or when he feels the need to play with them a bit.........i know sad.

You are right I have to demand change especialy since he is a man who if I try talking about things like this it turns into an arguement because he will try and make me feel lousey for even bringing it up by saying things like "so your just saying im an a**hole and no good" when I have tried to tell him that is not what im saying blah blah it goes nowhere,or i get this speech "well if you think you can do better at paying the bills then go do it I would love to stay home" now that always humors me because he wont even change a diaper if it is number 2 ...even goes as far to tell me to change our baby because the smell is making him sick.

I just dont know it wasnt always this bad he used to help more .always came to bed.and wasnt this rude and disrespectful.....and if I knew I could make enough money to pay the bills I most surely would go out to work and leave him here to see just how "easy" my job is.

I think maybe I will try a letter to him hopefully that may work out better.

thanks for your post

 
Old 01-13-2006, 11:44 AM   #5
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Re: what is happening to my marriage?

HI Again. That is really sad, hasn't even changed a dirty diaper? holy, they are his kids too. Wow, does he ever get away with murder. I would write him a letter if you think that's the way to go. Honestly, if my husband acted this way he would be out the door. Not that I"m saying that's what you should do, but for me, that would be a deal breaker. If I was going to be doing everythign around the house with no help or support, I might as well be alone so there is one less person to take care of. he isn't supporting you, and from where I sit he isn't being an active parent or even an active participant in the house. He is just another child that you have to take care of and pick up after from the sounds of it That is really sad. Not only is it sad for you, but it's sad for your kids. My kids are so close to their dad, I have even gone away with my friends a few times for weekends away and my husband has said it's been great, that they can bond better when I'm not always around. I expect my husband to do what I do around the house, we are equal partners. Now don't get me wrong, he is still a man with his own problems, but this is one area where he knows I won't compromise, I just don't fall into this whole notion of the women taking over and doing everything. If your husband was the one staying home, I can guarantee he would expect help once you arrived home from work. As far as him turning things around when you bring things up, that is manipulation, pure and simple. Trust me, he isn't an idiot, he KNOWS he is getting away with doing nothing, and he likes it that way.

 
Old 01-13-2006, 11:56 AM   #6
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Re: what is happening to my marriage?

A letter is reasonable to try. But keep in mind to most men words on paper have the same value as words spoken. I don't mean that is a disparaging way, it isn't a value judgement. But he doesn't sound like the overly sen****ve type and him reading what you have already told him may not hold a lot of promise for change.

Jenna has made a point in passing that I am afraid speaks to the solution with the greatest likelihood of reaching your objective. Change almost never comes without a line drawn in the sand that separates what you will live with and what you won't live with. These lines can be remarkably effective....but they will almost always fail if the backbone of the person drawing it is weak. If you cannot make a stand on deal breaker issues and be willing to stand firm if the line is disregarded, you will likely not find much success in making any changes.

 
Old 01-13-2006, 12:03 PM   #7
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Re: what is happening to my marriage?

Hi, I just want to start out by saying that I feel for you. It sounds to me like he is just unhappy. Perhaps the fact of having five kids, working and such, is just getting to him. Perhaps he feels like he never has any time to himself. I wouldn't take it too personally, although I know it is hard not to. Maybe he just feels stuck in a rut.

I don't know why he would sleep on the couch 3 or 4 times a week. It sounds odd to me. My husband does not sleep on the couch and if we are having a bad fight, I sleep on the couch to get away from him. Just a question...does your husband watch pornos? My friend's boyfriend started separating himself from her at bedtime because he was watching what he shouldn't be in the living room. Now granted, alot of women don't care about that sort of thing, but for us jealous broads, it's a no no. I just wondered since you mentioned that you didn't lose the weight from the last baby and he isn't into sleeping in the same bed anymore. Not that I am suggesting that he is that type of guy because my husband is very respectful and doesn't watch that stuff. But I was just curious to if it was a posibility. If not, then maybe he is tired and falls asleep. Maybe you could put a tv in the bedroom, where he can lay in bed and watch. You might have to put up with the noise but at least he would be in bed.

As for the getting things constantly for him. My husband does it too. It irritates me so bad! I will be up getting myself something and he will ask me to get him something too. I don't mind if I have an extra hand free and I am already up, but I only have two hands. It really bothers me when I am sitting down beside him and he asks me to get up and get him something. I have began putting my foot down and telling him no. I tell him that he is just as capable of getting off his lazy butt and doing it himself as I am.

As for chores, I can't complain. My husband and I seem to split things down the center. Although I stay at home due to recent health issues and he works, I do what needs to be done during the day. We don't have kids but we have lots of animals and I tend to them (can be extremely stressful at times - right now I have a cat suffering from constant constipation, another one with a draining abscess, and my house cat got in a fight with the constipated one and has been running a high fever for nearly 4 days. Not to mention my dog has a boil on his back, which I am tending to. We have spent over $1,000 in vet bills since November). So I have my hands full. When Mark gets home, he helps me as much as possible, with washing dishes when I cook, va****** the floor while I pick everyhting up, etc. Household chores are a joint job, since I am not the only one living there.

I hope things get better for you. Good luck.

 
Old 01-13-2006, 12:22 PM   #8
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Re: what is happening to my marriage?

. Perhaps the fact of having five kids, working and such, is just getting to him. Perhaps he feels like he never has any time to himself.

I have to disagree wtih this. Why oh why do we defend men like they are children who can't handle things. If anyone isn't getting time to herself, it's her. I mean come on, this guy gets pretty much everything done for him. I would bet he is rarely alone with the kids, and if anyone should be complaining about having no time to herself it's definitely her. She does all the work, this guy has nothing to complain about. So he has to go to work, poor baby. I'm sorry but men are more than capable of being active participants in their own house, some just choose not to. It sounds like this is him being lazy and expecting to be catered to, nothing more.

 
Old 01-13-2006, 03:00 PM   #9
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Re: what is happening to my marriage?

thanks guy for all the responces
Music...I believe you are more then likely right about letters and spokens words to alot of men.....so instead I had to call him at work today about our oldest son and I couldnt help myself I had to get it all out so I did. basicaly I told him all the things I did in my original post and I told him that I cannot do it with him being this way anymore so it has to change or I will just have to carry on without him.I really did not much back from him,so I guess I will see what happens by his actions.

nobody....my hub used to look at porn yes only not with the tube,but online.Honestly it didnt bother me but if he wasnt comming to bed like he isnt much now and things then yes it would bother me then.Or if he was being obsessive about it most definitley it would hype me up.Sounds like you really do have your handsful with your animals lol also sounds like you have a very supportive and caring hubby that's great


Jenna...you are very right it is pretty much me doing it all here at home and I dont get to have time for myself other then being online and of course I still have to look after the kids while doing that as well.My husband is the fire cheif at our vol fire dept which he enjoys for the most part and so he gets to get out alot due to that.Anyway,my eyes are opening lately I have been doing alot of just setting back and assesing things in my relationship with my husband and I cannot believe how long I have put up with all this I have no idea why. This job he has well it isnt going well hes barely making any money and things are close to being shut off and taken away and he feels he cannot get a different job because he has no driver liscense ( a whole nother story but sue to tickets and things yrs back) so I told him well something has to be done you are gonna have to find a different job because right now there is no other way.some of our problems boil down to not being very responsible in the past and it is biting us in the rear end.

thanks so much

 
Old 01-13-2006, 03:11 PM   #10
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Re: what is happening to my marriage?

I work alot. My wife is home. We have no kids on an everyday basis. I still don"t use her as a servant. He doesn"t respect you or the idea that being a mother is the toughest job ever.

 
Old 01-13-2006, 03:19 PM   #11
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Re: what is happening to my marriage?

you are so right blue he doesnt respect me and I agree being a mother is the toughest job.If it was so easy to be here with the kids then I would think hed let me go off for a day or more on a weekend while he stayed here with the kids but he doesnt do close to that so obviously he must know its hard.The onyl time he will stay with the kids while I go any is if I will be back shortly like the grocery store.

well I am now demanding respect and alot more help around here if he isnt up to it I will go on my own the only thing he is doing is paying the bills and even that is about to crumble as you can see in my last post.


thank you for your reply and for being a good husband to your wife and real man

 
Old 01-14-2006, 11:25 AM   #12
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Re: what is happening to my marriage?

Jenna - I was in no way defending his actions when I said "Perhaps the fact of having five kids, working and such, is just getting to him. Perhaps he feels like he never has any time to himself". Truth is, I agree with you that he should grow up and start doing his share. All I meant by the comment is that in his head, this may be what is going on.

My father was a fireman/EMT for several years and I know the amount of stress that they go through. The fact of always being "on call" per say is not easy and they do feel like they can't have a life. Granted no one forces them to be a firefighter if they can't handle the stress, but just think of where people would be if we didn't have these brave people. My house nearly caught fire in June of 05' because we had a neighborhood arsonist that started over 10 fires. It was the fast action of the firefighters who put the fire out before my home was destroyed. I greatly respect them!

A lot of people are very lazy and don't want to help out at home. There's no excuss for it. As for my husband, who is a mechanic on an army base and is out of the house for 11 hours out of the day, he needs some time to himself too. He comes home and plays xbox for a while or watches a movie. Who am I to complain, when I have been home all day and not dealing with the stress of a boss or military officials? I give him his time and then thankfully he helps me around the house doing chores. Taking care of the house is my job, as being out in the work force is his.....until I also get out and start working.

In my opinion, it takes two people to have children and a home. Perhaps if both people are out working, then childcare can be arranged, and both can have equal rights to household chores. But I still in no way condone him asking her to do things for him continuously while he sits on his butt.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 08:25 AM   #13
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Re: what is happening to my marriage?

hours out of the day, he needs some time to himself too. He comes home and plays xbox for a while or watches a movie. Who am I to complain,

I totally agree. Of course both people deserve time to themselves. That means both though, not just the man as seems to be in this case. I certainly don't expect my husband to work and then spent all his free time doing chores and childcare. We take turns. We both get time to ourselves...we have a schedule of sorts where we both get nights out with friends and even weekends away with friends, and our chores and cooking and that is split up as well. that is only fair. If I was the original poster, I would be demanding, not asking, but demanding time to myself, and not just to go the grocery store either. I would be going crazy, no help, no time to myself, I just couldn't do it. I find it funny how for some reason alot of men just assume that it's the wife's job to do it all and give up all her interests and free time.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 12:57 PM   #14
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Re: what is happening to my marriage?

Well 3 days ago I let all this fly to my hub and I told him I cannot and will not allow this any longer so things change or im gone.He didnt have a whole lot to say prob cause he knows im right.The last few days he has been trying he stopped calling on me for to get him things and he has cooked dinner and helped more with the kids and sleeping in bed so I will see how it goes and if it holds up.


thanks so much I am proud of myself for laying down the law lol and I truely believe that if he doesnt stick with this I will leave nobody deserves to be treated like that.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 03:21 PM   #15
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Re: what is happening to my marriage?

The fact he"s trying is a great sign. Now, give him some time to adjust. He may even slip back a few times. Remember, If he didn"t love you. He wouldn"t be trying.

 
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