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Old 01-13-2006, 07:49 AM   #1
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false accusations...why do they do that?

hi again everyone! for those of you who have responded to my previous posts, yes - my g/f came back around just as was suggested. we got together before new years and talked a lot, shared a lot, cried a little - what not. she told me she loves me and has missed me like crazy and didn't realize just how much. she said there hadn't been any one else, or at least not like me. she shared that she was still scared of all her feelings for me and that i'm still the only one who can make her feel and she was still scared of that. but also that if i could be patient with her, that she wanted us to work on our relationship and that there isn't any one else nor does she want to date any one else. (our relationship ended because of her out of the blue wanting to date others - previous posts). we talked about how we get close, let our walls down then she takes off running again. she said that was because she was scared...but again if i could be patient and continue to just let things be like i had previously then she could very easily see herself letting her walls down completely and not running any more because she loves me and wants to be with me. i assured her that if/when that happened she would be in good hands - and that yes i would be patient....

so anway, we spent new year's eve together with friends then went out with friends the following sunday night. things were great - she referred to me as her girlfriend during conversations/introductions...however, late sunday night after we got back to her apt. during a conversatoin i GUESS i made the mistake of mentioning that i was a little envious that her friends had more time to spend with her than i (we live 45 min. apart and were only seeing each other a couple times a week and on weekend).

so anyway, when i leave her place monday morning after new years, she holds me tight telling me how much she is going to miss me during the week and that we would try to get together during the day...monday nite we talk and things were fine. tuesday morning things were fine when we talked. tuesday nite i felt some distance in talking so i asked about that. her response was that she was concerned because of my "envy" about her friends. i told her it was just a moment in time and that i am glad she now has some good friends to turn too. wed-friday - still distance from her and her bringing that up. i re-assured her that it was over and done with - that envy moment. (and no we didn't get together during the week).

we talked friday during the day a couple of times and things seemed to be fine. then she calls me late friday night after going out with friends, asking "what ARE we doing"? we haven't talked all week and you haven't sent emails every day (which is NOT true - i would send at least one), she said "you aren't calling me every 5 minutes (which is true - cuz i NEVER called every 5 minutes - and i explained that i allow her to call me cuz i don't want to pressure her but instead still give her space - blah blah). so she said she was tired and we would talk tomorrow.

saturday i left her a message later in the morning to tell her i would be in the area either that day or sunday and asked if she wanted to get together. sent her text message. never from her saturday. sunday i was in town and left her text message "sorry i missed you" (since she never responded to voice mail)...never heard from her UNTIL i IMed her tuesday morning even tho i sent emails/fone messages - and even tho she was on line a lot - she never contacted me....

and when i did...she said her "sources" have informed her that i have another girlfriend and how i am bragging about that and sleeping with her too and basically explointing our sex life on line and accused me of being with women on line and that she did NOT get any voice message or text message from me on saturday and that i must be thinking about my other g/f, and and and and. and this is why she hadn't called and wasn't going to call. needless to say i am very hurt and angry about these accusations because NONE are true - and she knows that. well now she has asked that i don't ever contact her again cuz she's not playing games with me....

course i have heard this before from her...the no contact. and usually she will contact me after about a week...but why make this crap up? some have said we got way to close and she is freaking (running again), especially since i will be moving to same town she is in...some say she is testing me once again...but my **** - these accusations are hurtful...i sent her an email saying that all this stuff crazy and i only love her and that i don't know where all this is coming from, nor who her sources are (if there even are any other than stuff she's conjured up because of fears/insecuties) but these things said were totally UNTRUE - and asked to please let's talk...but got the response of please don't contact me again - i'm not playing games with you (yet isn't this a game she has created)....

what is there to be made of THIS now recent "ordeal"? i know she has a commitment phobia and fears of being hurt or reject (she admitted that she was afraid would hurt or reject her so that was part of this "running") and what not but come on! this hurt me really badly....and when she does come around again - then what?

after something like this (these false accusations) how do you trust (them)again, especially if it was FEAR that has played a role...and as for her fear of rejection from me - boy she sure has made sure THIS time around i would! help!

Last edited by akajessie; 01-13-2006 at 08:55 AM.

 
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Old 01-13-2006, 01:04 PM   #2
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Re: false accusations...why do they do that?

WOW - she is definitely being a bit dramatic about all of this. If you don't mind me asking - how old are you? her?

Has she been hurt in the past - is that her reason behind her fear of getting too close to you?

I understand being afraid to open your whole heart to someone - we have all been there, but if she loves you as much as she says - isn't she hurting herself by sabotaging the relationship? If she wants to be with you - then she needs to be an adult and face her fears. If you love someone - you need to include them in your life - not throw them out of it. From what I have read - you have been nothing but supportive and understanding - what more does she want from you? She is the one that is being hurtful and breaking your heart - what gives her that right? If she understands what it feels like to be hurt - then she is being a hypocrite by making you endure such pain.

My personal opinion is that she might be testing you. Quite frankly, this is a very immature response to handling a relationship. I think that you need to make her understand that what she is doing is hurtful and unwarranted. You should also tell her that you have been there for her and have proved your loyalty to her and your relationship - if she prefers to push you away - then you are going to walk away and stay away. Great things in life come with great risk - you are willing to take that risk with her - it is up to her whether she wants to act like an adult and take that leap with you. You can not be her doormat for whenever she feels the need to play games...

 
Old 01-13-2006, 05:27 PM   #3
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Re: false accusations...why do they do that?

At this point you may want to ask yourself the following questions. What are you getting from this relationship? Why do you want to continue seeing a woman who either believes lies about you or makes them up? A woman who thinks your envious of her friends (interesting choice of word)? Do you want to continue seeing a person whom you do not have in person contact with very much?

 
Old 01-13-2006, 07:08 PM   #4
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Re: false accusations...why do they do that?

thanks for your responses....

she is 36 and i am 39...and yes she has been hurt before and yes i have been very supportive...and definitely yes, she being dramatic - especially when i figured out where one of her accusations came from (i didn't list them all in my origingal post!)...she wanted to know if i sent my other g/f and/or internet g/f same ecards as her or did i take time to pick out individual ones...what happened there was i had sent her and my closest friends an inspirational like type email called the awakening...well, i guess she noticed the "other names" on said email....

as for not having that much contact in person, i will be moving to same town as her within the next month due to job relocation. i can't help but think that may be part of all of this but i don't know...

below is the IM that we had...i am G and she is M

m - how's your new girlfriend
m - sources inform me you have a new girlfriend
m - sources also inform me you are bragging about sleeping with me
g - puter croaked
m - so did i
g - huh? on bragging about sleeping with you?
g - i still would like to know these sources
m - you seem to be quite happy dating new girl and sleeping with me
g - don't have new girl
g - only you
m - well according to you, you don't have very many friends, you figure it out
g - huh?
m - look i am not stupid, i know that is why i did not see you last weekend. we don't have a commitment...i understand. i don't understand you talking about or sex life....
g - hold on
g - *** is going on here
g - do you have new girfriend
m - when would i have time
g - i asked you if you wanted to get together. left message
m - you never left me a message about getting together this weekend. my cell works perfectly, i have not missed any messages from you.
m - maybe you are thinking other girlfriend
g - i left you message 1030 saturday morning
m - i did not receive voice or text messge from you saturday
g - i left you a message saying i was going to be in denver saturday or sunday....
m - look i have to go have 8 am appt. i was prett pissd that you did not call and you just showed up. i got your text saying sorry you missed me in denver on sunday.
g - i didn't just show up
g - went looking for appts
m - well i assumed that you came by my place...because of note on door
g - what note
g - honey i didn't come by your place
m - note said, missed ou again, you must be working - not signed
g - no baby not me
m - ok
g - sorry
m - i gotta go
g - this stuff hwy you havne't called and not read latest ecard
m - yes and why i'm not going to call
m - yep
m - i odn't want to fight...i guess i just expected more from you...my fault
g - but i am not with any one else i only love you.
m - i gotta go
m - did you send same ones to her or do you take the time to pick out different ones?
g- i have told you i miss you
m - mass mailings
g - there is no one else
m - lol
m - it is ok, we do not have a commitment
g - i am not with anyone else
m - if you are fooling around with other women on line that's your business
g - i am not doing that either
m - sharing our sex life is not ok
g - huh?
m - talking to your buddies on line about our sex life - not cool
g - but i haven't
m - gotta go will be late
g - i don't know where this stuff is coming from but not true
m - well then some one has been hiding in our closet because they have way to much info
g - well tell me who
m - (signed off)....

we've done this before - the obvious push pull, love me but go away, "i got scared" like type of thing, but this last time around with these accusations has really done a number on me and my heart so i'm not sure that i would even want to attempt anything again - cuz this time she has push/tested/etc way to far...and she knows that cuz i've written her, telling her that.

sigh.....

thanks for listening/reading....<<<<HUGS>>>>

 
Old 01-13-2006, 07:46 PM   #5
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Re: false accusations...why do they do that?

AKAJESSIE,

WOW! your girlfriend sounds like me.... when I was 20!

I'm sorry to be harsh here, but at her age, I've gone through years of therapy and have grown up/matured a bit. Jessie, if you want to stop hurting and being hurt like this, let her go for your own sanity.

Years and I mean years ago, I drove an ex-boyfriend of mine out of his mind because of my extreme insecurities. Yes, you're right, she's going thru that push & pull game. I was a master of that... then as my ex-bf started to pull away, I play the "oh, I was hurt by (put the name of a relative or ex-BF here) and I am afraid of getting close because I'm afraid of that happening again" game. That's baloney! The best thing and the hardest thing my ex-bf did to me and for me was to let me go.
He let me go so I'd grow up.
He let me go so I'd seek therapy.
He let me go so I'd stop hurting him.

Tell her she needs a therapist and don't find one for her. Let her find one for herself or you'll be enabling her. Yes, she's been hurt in the past and the past will keep creeping up until she faces her issues.

Save yourself before you become like her to the next girl, or you'll be constantly going through this emotional merry-go-round. Then you will be the one needing a therapist, unless you truly love her. Either way, your relationship doesn't sound healthy. JMHO.

Good luck.

Last edited by Fabat40; 01-13-2006 at 07:51 PM.

 
Old 01-14-2006, 04:42 AM   #6
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Re: false accusations...why do they do that?

How, at 39, are you able to even consider a relationship with a person that feeds on such drama? This sounds like my 15 year old daughter's IM conversation. If yo can't live without her, I hope things work out for you. If you can live without her, I would seriously consider doing that.

 
Old 01-14-2006, 06:08 AM   #7
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Re: false accusations...why do they do that?

at 39 i CAN live with out the drama...some times tho you don't know the drama until it happens! and this last dramatic thing, again has really done a number on me - regardless of her fears/insecurities/etc. i love her to death and she has my heart but...she has got to wake up and smell the coffee at some point and i might just be the one to have to "prove" that by not returning to this drama again - even tho i'm being blamed for such drama (in other words, it's not HER doing these things or what ever, it is ME or i am the one causing it)...the last email (previously mentioned) i wrote her was rather poignant which she will take offense to - of course - especially when i've had to kinda pick and chose my words carefully some times, but this time i chose NOT to...she'll be angry with me for a while over that but...(oh well)....

(i took the IM and and broke it down and responded to each thing and told her how crazy and ludicrous all this was and if this is what she wanted to believe to keep us apart and her not deal with things/her feelings for me/fears or what not, then so be it - i've had enough cuz this time she crossed the border/bounderies and things will never be the same after this... and that she finally found a way to keep me way far away...and that this last ordeal was nothing but a way to sabatoge or self sabatoge something that was going so well and if that's what she wants to keep doing, then basically it wasn't going to be on my time any more and NOT like this. and not to worry, i WON'T be contacting her since she didn't return any of my calls to try to talk this thing out). anyway....

as for her seeing a therapist, well she does on occasion - when she gets "overwhelmed" but it hasn't been a steady thing, to my knowledge. kinda too bad and sad cuz when she did, she would share with me where things come from and how the therapist helps her to see why she does what she does. and it helped with our relationship during those times....

anyway...thanks again for your responses...if nothing else, it helps me to understand better and more, and also - as crazy as it may sound, helps me with the "letting go" process....

<<< HUGS >>>>

Last edited by akajessie; 01-14-2006 at 06:21 AM.

 
Old 01-15-2006, 06:12 AM   #8
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Re: false accusations...why do they do that?

ok, given her VERY consistant past patterns, she will come around/contact me again - it's usually been within a week but the longest was almost two weeks, even tho she has said she wants no contact, but usually finds a reason to call or text message me (e.g. just say 'hi')...actually she DOES have a reason/excuse THIS time cuz she has one of my favorite shirts, and it wasn't a cheap one either dog gone it...

and if the past patterns prevail as they have, i will hear the same things again - how much i have been missed, how much she feels for me, how much i make her feel and that scares her, and how she is afraid of those feelings, and how much she loves me and just got scared again....

how do i gently say "you need help and until you get that, or are truly ready to work on some of these issues, i can't keep going thru this, especially after this last time around".

or do i just ignore her for a while (when she does come around again - assuming she will)....

i don't know that i want to shut her out completely but i also want her to know that i'm not continuing with her drama either, especially after this last ordeal (false accusations)....

never mind moving to the same town she lives in due to job relocation...(i would prefer things not ending up "hostile" or what ever between us if/when we run into each other at the bar or something)....

suggestions?

Last edited by akajessie; 01-15-2006 at 06:17 AM.

 
Old 01-15-2006, 12:14 PM   #9
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Re: false accusations...why do they do that?

Just wanted to say that I feel for you! I can totally relate to this kind of BS and my last relationship had plenty. I (and my ex) are also in our thirties and I would have expected someone her age to act it. As one of the other posts stated about acting that way when they were a kid.

I just finally rolled my eyes and laughed (mentally) and walked away from it all. It's really too bad because she wasn't a bad person, she was absolutely the girl I would have brought home to mom and my mother would have loved her to death. She just had issues that needed ironing out I guess. But she was also a very hard headed person who would never admit that she has a few problems. It was just easier to blame others. She had a real Jekyll and Hyde personality. One second everything was perfect and then out of the blue *BOOM*. Very bizarre to say the least! I still don't have an explanation for any of it...? I guess some people are just stuck in a childs frame of mind.

P.S. My last GF and her should get together, they'd get along great!

 
Old 01-15-2006, 12:28 PM   #10
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Re: false accusations...why do they do that?

AkaJessie,

As I have learned from a past relationship, people will often say things to us in order make us feel as bad as they feel. Often, people want to bring us down to their level and hurt us in order to feel better about themselves, but we must be strong enough to 1.) leave this situation or 2.) stand up for ourselves if it becomes bad enough.

It sounds like this woman has taken you threw the mud quite a bit, so I might be inclined to call the relationship quits. If she is really as insecure as she sounds, then you need to cut her loose. It isn't worth all this drama, especially if she has taken to accusing you of doing things that you have never done (much like my last relationship did--interestingly, he accused me of cheating, too).

Chalk it up to the other's immaturity, and move one. This may be hard to do, but you can find someone out there who is more inline with you. After all, you deserve someone who has it more together than this, and who is more in sync with you.

I wish you lots of luck on this and I hope that you find the perfect person for you . Don't let others walk on you--stand up for yourself, in any of life's situations. Do you have any friends that you can talk with about this?


~Colleen

P.S. Don't be an enabler. Tell her that you've moved on, and then do it. Even if she continues to contact you--or sends you "friendship" emails or walks past you, scowling, slamming down a book bag in the hallway for emphasis (ay carumba! I thought I had graduated from high school several years ago ). You need to make the line that you have drawn cystal clear to the other person.

Last edited by Musical_Muse; 01-15-2006 at 12:49 PM.

 
Old 01-15-2006, 03:47 PM   #11
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Re: false accusations...why do they do that?

as always, thanks for your replies!

yes, some one of our "age" one would think/hope/expect more maturity, especially when helping to rear two adoptive kids (she - my ex - and her ex "C" adopted her - my exes - sister's kids, one is now 7 and the other is 5...her ex C has sole custody tho and the kids live with C)....

and yes, it IS true that sometimes people say things to make us feel as bad as they do. and most certainly in this case/relationship EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT, according to her. i'm the one not doing this or that (when i have) or what ever...uh huh, ok.

yes, i do have near and dear friends to talk this out with thanks...and they all seem to say same thing "commitment phobia"....

i am trying to roll eyes and "move on", yet knowing at some point she'll make contact AGAIN...just hope i'm strong enough to stand my ground and not waffle this NEXT time around and fall into the drama.....

ugh! sigh!

 
Old 01-16-2006, 10:54 AM   #12
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Re: false accusations...why do they do that?

Jessie,

It sounds like you're really upset about this, and I completely sympathize. I had tried to break it off with my last boyfriend about two times before it took. My first and second tries were met with me feeling guilty about trying to break it off when I knew, in my heart, the relationship wasn't right. So, I finally just told him straight out that it wasn't working. I wished him well, though he decided to call me/accuse me of everything you can imagine, and storm around me in a huff about it. I just realized this was his way of dealing with it, and I let it go, happy that I no longer had to deal with his behaviors or him. By the way, I'm 26, and, like others have said, I would never treat anyone the way that your girlfriend is treating you. I couldn't live with myself if I did something so assinine.

If you're absolutely postive that it's not going to work, the most kind thing to do is to break it off. If it's too much to simply draw a line immediately, just tell her what you want from the relationship. Communication is always best. Be open and honest with her. Let her know that you're unhappy and upset with her for all those ridiculous accusations. Be up front and to the point. Do you think this might be a better approach? There are sooo many ways to approach this. If one doesn't work for you/feel comfortable, just choose another one .

Everyone on this board is with you in spirit

~Colleen

Last edited by Musical_Muse; 01-16-2006 at 12:21 PM.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 11:21 AM   #13
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Re: false accusations...why do they do that?

Quote:
Originally Posted by akajessie
below is the IM that we had...i am G and she is M

m - how's your new girlfriend
m - sources inform me you have a new girlfriend
m - sources also inform me you are bragging about sleeping with me
g - puter croaked
m - so did i
g - huh? on bragging about sleeping with you?
g - i still would like to know these sources
m - you seem to be quite happy dating new girl and sleeping with me
g - don't have new girl
g - only you
m - well according to you, you don't have very many friends, you figure it out
g - huh?
m - look i am not stupid, i know that is why i did not see you last weekend. we don't have a commitment...i understand. i don't understand you talking about or sex life....
g - hold on
g - *** is going on here
g - do you have new girfriend
m - when would i have time

HUGS>>>>
WHOA!!!

First of all, and please do not take offense to this, when you told me your ages I was completely SHOCKED! There is absolutely NO REASON at all for her behavior. She is a grown woman and whether she was hurt or not - there comes a level of maturity with age that she does not seem to have obtained.

I am 29 and have not come close to acting like that since I was 18. TRUST ME - I have been hurt - I dated someone for four years that physically and mentally abused me, I have had my heart broken after that, I just recently found out that my best friend/roommate slept with someone that I got close to over the summer..........SO, I know what it is like to have your trust betrayed. I would never treat someone that I claimed to love the way she is treating you.

If you want my personal opinion - her actions are a cry for attention, and a pretty lame attempt at that. It seems to me that she is very insecure and I would have to say that is probably where most of your issues are stemmed from. It does not seem to me that she is willing to admit that she has self esteem issues, so she passes the blame to you.

I think you need to confront this head on and deal with this like adults. There is no reason for the games and or head trips that she is playing.

 
Old 01-23-2006, 07:39 PM   #14
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Re: false accusations...why do they do that?

Hi akajessie,

I saw your post on my thread. I read yours and my heart go out to you as well. I wish sometime I could understand why tho we love have to hurt us so much sometimes.

I am young and I still am learning, but I have some advice that might help. I found it to be helpful in my situation and I wanted to share it with you. It something to think about…….

This is what I have:

SEIZE THE DAY - LIFE IS TOO SHORT





As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever
let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than
once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it
felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a
new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast,
and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh
too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you
spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

I find this to sometimes be inspiring and helpful. I hope this helps.

hugs and prayers to you as well…….


Aerith_Rose.

 
Old 01-24-2006, 06:52 AM   #15
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Re: false accusations...why do they do that?

as always thank you for your responses, especially when i thought this post/thread was "dead" so to speak.

after i started this thread, i've learned a lot about my ex and the yo yo roller coaster relationship due to reading a highly recommend book "he's scared she's scared" by steven carter and julia sokol - it is about commitment phobia and basically self sabatoging relationships due to intimacy fears. i have a thread on this some were on this board (dealing with cp ex). combine this (cp) with insecurities, well - there you have it.

as for sitting down and talking, that's not possible as she doesn't want anything to do with me tho she did respond to an email i sent in regards to letting her know i will be moving to her town (due to job relocation - we live 45 minutes apart right now) by end of feb. and also to let her know that i will be moving without my oldest dog due to putting him down soon (hips really bad) - she loved him very much. i also said that i hope we could be hospitable when we run into each other cuz i am sure at some point we will since going to same bars.

her response was "If we see each other out or around I will be nice. I am sorry you are loosing your best buddy. I feel very hurt and sad."

i replied by saying "thanks, sorry you are feeling hurt and sad too and wish there was something i could do to take all this away (hurt and sad)...wish we could talk/share like we use too...i do love and miss you so"....

i also mentioned the book and how i understood more about our relationship and why things happened or were the way they were. but that still didn't change my feelings for her. but she also knows i won't continue this dance with her, especially after these hurtful accusations just to potentially run from me and keep the distance again. it is said in book "your CP partner will do something or find some reason to provoke you into ending the relationship to gain distance" - and she did, REGARDLESS of her feelings for me.

i really think she freaked out because this distancing again started after i told her i got the job in her town (even tho she was distancing a bit thru the week after new years by holding on to a stupid situation that happened but was talked about and supposedly done and over with...that situation was that i guess i made the mistake of telling her i was a little envious that she and i didn't or couldn't spend as much time together as her and her friends since living in two different towns. she held on to that all week and kept bringing it up and how she was afraid now that we couldn't go out and just having a good time with out some problem or issue)....

anyway, then came the friday night i told her i got the job (which ensured that i WOULD be moving)...combine that with it coming up on our 6 month annivesary...briefly what that means is, she has two adoptive kids that her ex has primary custody of (she and ex adopted my ex's sister's kids). well they have agreed that no new g/f's would be introduced to kids for 6 months so that it would ensure the new person would be around for a while and instead of new people potentially dropping in and out of kids life and kids getting attached to them only to have them "leave"...i respected that cuz the kids (one 7 and other 5) had already been thru a lot in their young tender lives.

however, my ex and i have talked about me thoughts/feelings that i felt she used the kids to help keep a distance from people so to speak. she has agreed to that and has said that i "know (or have figured out) to much about her"...and hence, would run/distance again for a while, for fear of rejection, being hurt, etc (these were her words),...but comes back around and tells me no one loves her like i do or have +++ that most all of you have read about....

so given all this - being very close the last times we were together the distancing thru the week because of that, then me for sure moving to her town, 6 month anniversary coming up...i think she really freaked out...and the only thing she could do for some space/distance and be able to "run" was accuse me of having another g/f then being able to control that "distance" by telling me to please not contact her, that she's not playing games and she doesn't have the energy to do this....

so it's going on 2 weeks now of NC (no contact) with the exception of my email a couple days or so ago. normally she comes back around within 7 days...she has been on line off and on much more frequently...some times i let her "see" me on line and some times i don't...(as she admitted, she would do this before - be on line more so that i could see her in hopes that I would contact HER cuz she was afraid to contact me - that i would "reject" her because of what she has done/caused)....

it's hard and it hurts and the time apart doesn't seem to be getting easier for me but at the same time, i'm not sure what i would do if she did follow her typical pattern of "pursuing" me, which from what i understand, she WILL do at some point again....

one thing is for certain tho, and that is i would suggest she see her therapist more frequently (if she isn't already), to deal with the CP/intimacy/self esteem issues she has.....

sorry i've rambled this morning...and again thanks for your responses - you've all been a tremendous help and support system for me....

HUGS.....

Last edited by akajessie; 01-24-2006 at 08:16 AM.

 
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