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Old 01-13-2006, 09:25 PM   #1
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bullybaby HB User
Am I asking too much? Should I end it?

My boyfriend and I have been living together for over a year and a half. I love him dearly and would do anything for him, but his 'mistakes' are beginning to weigh me down excessively.

I started dating him(June '04) not knowing he was a player, but when I found out I thought I could change him(yeah, yeah, I know). The following January I found out that he had been casually seeing another girl on the side. He didn't sleep with her(confirmed with the other woman), but kissed her and told her he was single. I forgave him because I believed people could change.

A few weeks later I found out that when he started dating me, and until December 04, he was ALREADY in a relationship with someone else that was out of state at the time. When she came back he broke up with her. I was devastated. Not only had I trusted him, but he'd taken advantage of me TWICE. I was stupid but forgave him anyways.

Shortly therafter, I found out that 'right before' we started dating, he was sleeping with someone else(let's call her Ann), she'd gotten pregnant, and there was a chance it was his(coming from a guy who is still currently seperated from his wife and has two kids with her). Later we found out it wasn't his, luckily.

Currently, he's been talking to Ann, and she's been wanting to get back with him. I told him I don't like him talking to her because, frankly, I don't trust him because of his past 'record'. He still does it anyways.

There are a few other bumps in the road, but it would take forever to explain, and they aren't as major as the ones mentioned above.

I've told him that the ONLY things I expect from him are honesty, stop hiding ****** from me, and make me feel wanted. I have never lied to him, have always been honest, and he knows he's the love of my life.

He's told me that if I'm not happy, "Bye". I'd be happy if he'd just stop screwing around on me. He's told me that I'm not his number one priority. His kids are first(very understandable), his job second, his home third, and then me. I can understand those to degrees, but I feel like I'm just a possesion, not someone he really wants around.

He's told me me wants to be with me, but makes no effort to tell me not to leave. He acts like if I left his life would go on like normal like I was never there. He usually goes out on the weekends with his friends, and I'm always at home waiting because I'm not a huge people person and would rather stay at home and spend time with him.

We rarely have sex anymore. I don't think we've had sex in atleast three weeks, and he's made no effort to initiate anything. Usually he couldn't go a few days without jumping on me.

I don't want to leave him but I know I probably should. I've tried a couple of times but just didn't have the balls to do it. If there is some chance of fixing this relationship I don't want to walk out. He's my everything. I don't have any family to go back to because my father died a year ago and my mother is disabled.

Is there something I can do to make him straighten his act out and show me he really cares? Or should I just give up?

 
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Old 01-13-2006, 09:39 PM   #2
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Des11 HB User
Re: Am I asking too much? Should I end it?

Hi BullyBaby,
First i have to say to you that you dont not deserve this kind of treatment from a man, i going to to tell you something that my Mom always told me,
Love should not hurt and if it ever does you know that is not the person for you or the kind of love for you i have followed this most of my life there were times i should have listened to my Mom and found myself in a similar sit like like yours, i too have no family my Mom past away 12 years ago and dont know who my dad is so i know that it is hard and you think he is the only one in the world you have but you have to leave this man he does not respect you at all he knows or THINKS that you are always going to be there when he gets back from those late nights....

I did leave and found myself a great man !! and have two wonderful children so you can do it !

Best wishes to you
Des

 
Old 01-13-2006, 09:58 PM   #3
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Hiya HB User
Re: Am I asking too much? Should I end it?

Oh Bullybaby - Where do we start??

First of all, you know this guy is a player, can't go a few days without jumping on someone, and it ain't you. you think he has it packed away in cotton when you're not around?

I can understand you being on par with his kids, but for him to tell you point blank that you're not a priority, that his job and his HOUSE are more important than you??

What exactly is it about this guy that you love so much and can't live without? Staying with this man will only slowly chip away at your self worth and self esteem until you're down so low that when he does dump you, and I can almost guarantee he will someday, you may not recover. Don't you want more? Don't you think you deserve more? Don't you want a man who makes you his number one priority, even if he has kids, will make you feel like you're as important to his life as they are? Dont' you want a man who cares about how you feel, who is NOT ok with hurting or disappointing you? The man you're with now will never be that man, and you'll never find that man if you keep wasting time with the man you're with.

 
Old 01-13-2006, 10:41 PM   #4
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Am I asking too much? Should I end it?

Hiya is right, this man is not worthy of you and I doubt he could ever be the kind of man you want and deserve. He has a very bad track record; it seems that he fooled around on most women in his life. And, excuse me if I didn't understand it correctly, but did you say he was still not divorced but only separated?? He sounds like bad news, no matter how you look at it, and a waste of your time and emotions as well.

 
Old 01-14-2006, 04:22 AM   #5
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Music4All HB User
Re: Am I asking too much? Should I end it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bullybaby
Is there something I can do to make him straighten his act out and show me he really cares?
In a word, No. There is no benefit to beating around the bush. You cannot change a peson that does not want to change. Behaviors and actions are the true reflections of a person's feelings. In order to be able to change his actions, you would need to be able to change how he feels about you. Please don't subject yourself to this. You deserve to be loved AND respected by the person you love. He has shown no capacity to do this with you.


Quote:
Originally Posted by bullybaby
Or should I just give up?
If you want to avoid the downword spiral to your self esteem, leaving sooner than later woudl be the best idea. Please don't let yourself talk yourself into believing anything he says that you already know is not true. You deserve better.

 
Old 01-14-2006, 06:46 AM   #6
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Smartpants HB User
Re: Am I asking too much? Should I end it?

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. You can't change this guy anymore than the last 100 girls thought they could.

 
Old 01-14-2006, 07:22 AM   #7
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Re: Am I asking too much? Should I end it?

bullybaby,

Should you end it? How can you even ask? This guy is a complete jerk. You're being WAY too understanding and forgiving. I can understand the guy making his kids his top priority, but putting his job and his house before you? That's unacceptable. This man is not worth any of your time. Dump him and don't feel guilty about it. I don't understand how you could possibly love someone who treats you like this.

 
Old 01-14-2006, 11:30 AM   #8
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Ruby13 HB User
Re: Am I asking too much? Should I end it?

I'm sorrry, but why are you with this guy? What's so loveable about him cheating, lying and telling you you're not even in his top-3? You know, when I was having problems with a boyfriend a few years ago, my mother, who is not a dramatic woman at all, said the right person would rather die than be without me. She's been married, mostly happily, for 40 years now, so I figure she knows something. He'll keep you around for as long as you want if you don't make any demands on him and he can screw around, but why would you want that? You don't have to put up with endless crap to stay in a relationship. Don't you want the person who thinks you're the best thing ever and can't believe he's lucky enough to be with you?

 
Old 01-14-2006, 11:57 AM   #9
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nobodytotalkto HB User
Re: Am I asking too much? Should I end it?

I have a question...is this man worth your life? With as much as he is sleeping around, there is a very good possibility that he will contract some sort of disease, and even though you said you don't have sex as often, all it takes is once for you to contract whatever he does.

Why such low self esteem? The only way a woman could put up with such behavior is if she felt she wasn't worth more. Girl, you are confident enough to know that this man is not treating you the way a man should, why can't you see that you deserve better? Everyone on this post has had such good words of wisdom, but you will have to find it for yourself. We can all go on and on about what a loser this guy is, but it won't do any good, unless you see it and are willing to correct the situation. My friend had a cheating boyfriend (she walked in on him once) and refused to leave him. We tried and tried to talk to her but it didn't do any good. All of a sudden, another one of our friends got pregnant and my friend realized that her cheating boyfriend was not the man she wanted to have kids with. She dumped him shortly after.

This man has shown you he will never change. Now it is up to you on whether you will live forever like this, or search for someone better (shouldn't be hard to find). Good luck.

 
Old 01-14-2006, 01:00 PM   #10
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GypsyArcher HB User
Re: Am I asking too much? Should I end it?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

 
Old 01-14-2006, 07:54 PM   #11
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bullybaby HB User
Re: Am I asking too much? Should I end it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodytotalkto
I have a question...is this man worth your life?

Why such low self esteem?
That's the problem. I have been in other long term relationships where I lived with the other person, and loved them; but never so deeply. For the first six months of our relationship, everything was perfect(just like most beginning relationships). THAT was the person I fell in love with, not the person he is now(or uncovered). During those months I realized that he could be my soulmate, and he had made me feel so good about myself. I don't want to give up that hope that he still is.

As for the self esteem issue... When we first got together I thought myself pretty, and liked myself. Since then, I have gained 40 lbs in the past year and a half, and I just don't feel the same. Most of the weight came from being on Depo Provera for two years. He's never talked negatively about my weight or looks, and he said he doesn't care what I look like. It just bothers me because I have never had a problem with my weight before, and my last boyfriend always talked negative about how I looked, no matter what I weighed(and I was very athletic then).

I know everyone thinks I should leave, and I agree. I've just never had the willpower to do it. I've gotten too comfortable where I am, and I don't like change. I want with all my heart to get him to love me the way he used to, but I don't know if he ever will.

How could I go about leaving him without excessively hurting myself? Or how do I get the guts?

 
Old 01-14-2006, 10:11 PM   #12
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Ruby13 HB User
Re: Am I asking too much? Should I end it?

Hi Bullybay-

Having been through trying to leave a guy when my self esteem was low, I have some suggestions for you. First, go off the depo provera and start exercising. I'm sure there are options. Even if the weight doesn't come off, exercising for most people really helps mood and self-esteem. Also, try spending a little more time with your friends, make little spaces in your life that he doesn't belong to. Eventually, you'll be able to envision your life without him and can make that happen.

I think those things are good to do anyway, so whether you're sure you want to leave him or not, it can't hurt to focus on making yourself happier.

R

 
Old 01-15-2006, 05:22 AM   #13
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Music4All HB User
Re: Am I asking too much? Should I end it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bullybaby
For the first six months of our relationship, everything was perfect(just like most beginning relationships)..... I want with all my heart to get him to love me the way he used to, but I don't know if he ever will.
Above you say that things were great at the beginning and that you want him to love you like he did then. However, you have told us that "..when he started dating me, and until December 04, he was ALREADY in a relationship with someone else that was out of state at the time." You also told us other information that indicates he has been a player with you from the beginnning. You want so badly to believe he loved you from the beginning and that things were good...but he didn't and they weren't, according to what you told us.

It is painful to break from a relationship when you still have strong feelings. But it demoralizing and hurtful to your spirit to stay where you are not loved and cherished.

 
Old 01-17-2006, 12:17 PM   #14
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nobodytotalkto HB User
Re: Am I asking too much? Should I end it?

"I want with all my heart to get him to love me the way he used to, but I don't know if he ever will."

Not to be mean, but by the sounds of it, this man has never "loved" you. Not in the sense that you think he did. A man will not cheat if he truly loves a woman (and vice versa), and since this man has been cheating on you since you got together, he has never loved you enough to stop. You are nothing more to him than someone to fall back on when his other relationship's don't work out.

Follow Ruby's advice because it is a really good way to get back some self esteem. And weight shouldn't be a factor in this. I have always been morbidly obese and have NEVER had a problem attracting men. Good luck!

 
Old 01-17-2006, 12:45 PM   #15
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blueeyes05 HB User
Re: Am I asking too much? Should I end it?

im in a similar relationship except for the guy has cheated and had a kid with the girl. i am finding it really hard to leave even though i really know i should. i think you might be grasping on to the unatanable.(sorry i cant spell) most of the time people men and women will keep doing the same thing and think they can get away with it because we let them. i know thats why my bf has continued to lie and all that jazz. i stay and he gets away with it so why would he change? im not saying its your fault at all but some people just think that way. all i can say is dont loose yourself in all of this. and dont let him walk all over you. you are worth more and you deserve better. everyone does! good luck.

 
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