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Old 01-14-2006, 10:02 AM   #1
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west1670 HB User
Am I asking for too much?

I would be very grateful if someone out there would give me their opinion on my relationship problem.

I am 24 and I have been in a relationship with my bf for about 5 yrs. When I first met him I was very under confident and insecure in myself. At the time I had just come out of a roller-coaster relationship that involved alot of arguing and disrespect. Unfortuntately, I think my relationship with my bf started out as a rebound. I was attracted to my bf as he was a very stable character and extremely considerate (truly the kindest person I have ever met). The problem is that I don't think that I ever really fancied him, but I do love him alot. He is my best friend.

At the beginning of the relationship I pushed aside the feeling that I didn't fancy him and I told myself that what is important is his personality. However, this gut feeling seems to have grown and grown over the years and now, sometimes, I find myself longing to be single. Longing to go out more and meet new people and places. People talk about loosing the 'spark' in their relationship but I am not sure it was there to start with.

I considered ending the relationship but the whole idea of it makes me feel really stressed out and confused. We are intertwined financially and emotionally. I am really worried about loosing such a close friend and that I may never meet anyone as nice as him. I have spoken to my family about how I feel and the general message seems to be that I should be very careful what I wish for and that long term relationships last on friendship, not lust.

I know that no-body's relationship is perfect - maybe I am asking to much?

Thanks in advance for any comments.

XX

 
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Old 01-14-2006, 10:56 AM   #2
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nobodytotalkto HB User
Re: Am I asking for too much?

Oh girl, I saw myself in your post. Here's my life story.

I fell madly in love with Jose when I was 15. We didn't know each other, and I made sure that he knew I was interested. As the years went by, we were still not dating, though we became friends. Since I was white and he was mexican, he told my friend that he wouldn't date me, because I didn't speak spanish...where I could communicate with his family. I knew he liked me if that was his only reasoning. But I stood by and watched as he dated other girls. It KILLED me.

When I was 18, Mark asked me out. I was head over heals STILL for Jose, so I said no. There was absolutely no attraction to Mark! But then Jose started dating this other girl, and I got so mad that I called Mark up and we started dating. It was solely to make Jose jealous, which did work, I'm sure because he started offering to give me rides home and things.

Time went on and Mark and I got to know each other. He had just gotten out of a relationship also, so we were both using each other in one form or other. The first couple years were the hardest. I was still in love with Jose and would have dumped Mark had Jose given me any reason to. But until that happened, Mark was my best friend and I didn't want to lose him. Mark proposed to me on our one year anniversary. I told him yes but that I wasnt ready to get married. When I was 20, I found out that Jose lost his virginity to a so called friend of mine, who didn't speak spanish. So you can imagine my anger.

That was it with Jose! I waited long enough and it caused undue arguements between Mark and I. I think I initiated arguements and found flaws in him, so that I didn't feel bad about longing for someone else. Time went by and I realized that even though I wasn't in love with Mark, I loved him with all my heart. We got married on our fifth year anniversary.

I won't lie, sometimes I do still feel that need for something more. I have never known the feeling of being with someone you utterly adore and are deeply in love with. I think of Mark as my soulmate, but in reality, I am still not sexually or physically attracted to him. But he is a darn good man and my best friend. I could tell him anything. He is a good provider and really caring. I know that I will never find someone better matched for me. I look beyond the things I am missing, and look at what I have. I wouldn't trade him for the world, most of the time. Don't get me wrong, we still have our heated disputes.

I think you need to look at the big picture. Are you satisfied with what you have? Is needing more and curiousity worth more to you? I agree with your family. If you give up what you have, there may be no going back. I wish I could help more but this is something you will have to decide for yourself. Good luck.

 
Old 01-14-2006, 12:06 PM   #3
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Am I asking for too much?

The odds are good that you will break-up with your boyfriend like most of my husband's girlfriends did when they met a great/nice guy like him in their 20's.

Just keep in mind that by the time most women are 35 a man like yours will be a godsend. Stable, faithful, loving, hardworking - everything that's just a Bit boring when you're younger and that "bad boy" looks like alot more excitement.

I married one of those guys that and we've been married for 16 yrs. I'm grateful for whoever found him "too nice" years ago.

But I wouldn't have truly appreciated him at age 24.

 
Old 01-14-2006, 12:34 PM   #4
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west1670 HB User
Re: Am I asking for too much?

To 'nobodytotalkto' and 'Ruth' .

I just hope these feelings of doubt will go away over time. Both of your comments are food for thought. I do need to try and look at the bigger picture and see what I have, rather than what I am missing.

It doesn't help that my sister was in a similar situation to me when she was in her twenties. She ended the relationship and two yrs later met a new man who she married and has just had first baby with. She tells me that it just felt right and she never doubts her love for her husband. I cannot help but compare my situation to hers and sometimes I feel a little envious that she is so settled. I don't know if I will ever truly feel as settled as she does because of this issue.

Thanks for your help, it definately helps with my deliberations.


 
Old 01-17-2006, 12:26 PM   #5
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nobodytotalkto HB User
Re: Am I asking for too much?

Hey, it sounds to me that you already know in your heart what you want. You just may be too scared to make the decision right now.

 
Old 01-17-2006, 01:02 PM   #6
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GypsyArcher HB User
Re: Am I asking for too much?

I have experienced a similiar problem in every relationship I have ever had. While I start out head over heels, it doesn't take long for all of the passion to fade. I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years, but I think of him as more of a friend. I could see possibly spending my life with him, but I always wonder if *maybe* there is someone out there that I could fall for and always be madly, wildly in love with. The problem is that I highly doubt I will ever find a man who treats me as amazing as my boyfriend does. He would do anything for me. I'm still relatively young, 23, but I think Ruth may be right that stable and loving is probably the best bet over someone who drives you wild. But do you want to spend the rest of your life always wondering What If? I don't think it will be very good for your spirit to stay with someone just because it feels like the easiest thing to do. This thing may eat at you for the rest of your life.

Your biggest problem was lying to yourself. That will ALWAYS screw us over in the end. You knew right from the start that you didn't really love him, you weren't truly happy with him. But you kept pushing the feeling away, ignoring it. No matter what happens in life, you HAVE to learn to listen to yourself and what your heart and mind are telling you. That is the only way to ever be happy. One thing I would say, since you are having doubts, is that you should separate financially from your boyfriend. You don't want to feel like you are stuck.

Good luck to you...

 
Old 01-17-2006, 04:07 PM   #7
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bluegreeneyeguy HB User
Re: Am I asking for too much?

Sometimes letting a person go, whom you don"t feel the same about, is showing true love.

 
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