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Old 01-14-2006, 01:19 PM   #1
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Rough day...

I guess this is one of those 'not as good' days. Nothing in particular happened to make me feel this way, I'm just lamenting over my ex more than usual. I went down last night to my best friend's apt, and she lives a few blocks from where he lives. So I was right down in his neighorhood, walking around. It was so hard. The perpetual lump in my throat that I had for so long, well it returned for a bit. I go down to her place often, but this time for some reason, it really got to me. She lives right across from the restaurant where we spent our last date together, for god's sake. I kept thinking I was going to run into him, or see him with another girl or something. That would have killed me.
Then, after that, more and more things just started reminding me of him. Things on TV, for ex., would just lead me into some memory of the time we spent together, things we did, the love we had, etc.
I know its going to be like this for awhile, I just wish it wouldnt. Ive cut him out of my life so I dont want to call him or see him AT ALL, I'm actually really resentful of him as a person. Yet I still feel this curiosity to see how he's moving on and if he's having a hard time, too, and my mind is playing games with me (scenarios of what he might be doing at any given point in time). I also keep dwelling on how much of an idiot he is for giving up what we had, and I am wondering if I will find a love like we had again. It gives me a very pessimistic view on relationships in general, and I dont want to get involved for a very long time- I dont want to be vulnerable again.
Well, I dont like feeling this way! I think its also the fact that almost every relationship around me has fallen apart (even a friend of a friend's ENGAGEMENT, as of yesterday) in the last year or so.
* Let me just add that I have come to the (shaky) realization that I don't think we are right for each other. However, I still cant get these thoughts out of my head.

Last edited by lady346; 01-14-2006 at 01:39 PM.

 
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Old 01-14-2006, 01:41 PM   #2
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Re: Rough day...

Hey citygirl -

I'm sorry you had a little setback, but that's ok, I think everything you're feeling is pretty normal. It's all those unavoidable "triggers" that can sneak up on you. about a year after my break up, I got into a fender bender and had to get physical therapy for my neck, and the therapist was right across the street from one of the clubs I used to go to watch the ex play. That messed with my head big time. It just takes 1) time, and 2) filling up that time with positive experiences that shrink the past and your time with your ex and that keep moving your life forward and away from memories of your ex. It will take some time, and you will have setbacks, you just have to ride them out and keep your eye on the future. Realizing you aren't right for each other is a big step, one that I'm missing which may be why I have had such a hard time moving on, but it's an important realizion, no matter how shakey it may be. I think to a certain degree I do have that realization, but it does take a while to sink in and saturate your consciousness. I know I don't want my ex back, not the way he was before, anyway. What makes it so hard is that he totally became a different person then met his wife, and I feel so darn ripped off that she gets to be with the guy I guess my love wasn't good enough to bring out. Mostly I just really want to beat him up. Did you see that movie Sideways, where Sandra Oh finds out the guy had been lying to her and was getting married, and she takes her motorcycle helmet and bashes his face in. I LOVED that scene! But I'm sure this setback will pass for you and things will move forward. Hang in there baby!

Last edited by Hiya; 01-14-2006 at 01:47 PM.

 
Old 01-14-2006, 01:43 PM   #3
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Re: Rough day...

hello citygirl. it's a gloomy day in ny today, isn't it? i know you are feeling bad right now. please remember that you are so young and you have so many things ahead. i totally understand how you feel, and that it seems almost impossible to stop your brain from going to those dark places. for now, though, since you have no other information available, just assume (i think correctly) that your ex is having a hard time also. you did the right thing cutting off all contact, because at least now anything you imagine could very well be the reality, for all you know. what i mean by that is, you might as well just think that he misses you, since thinking otherwise is only going to make you angry and upset.

eventually, and you might as well start now, you won't care what he's doing, who he's with or how he's feeling about you or anyone else. trust me on this. just continue to surround yourself with friends and come here to vent and make sure that you make every minute in this city as unbelievable as you possibly can. as a friend once said to me, and i've said on these boards before, 'he wasn't jesus christ!'. (this was after i was on some tear about how much i missed my ex-boyfriend.) he is just a human being, as are you, and it just didn't work out this time. stop torturing yourself with whys and wondering what's going to happen. take this minute, this hour, to allow yourself not to think and just relax. and if you have to think, make it positive, because you are a young woman with everything at your fingertips right now.

hang in there. this bad day will pass.

 
Old 01-14-2006, 01:58 PM   #4
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Re: Rough day...

Yeah...the weather is miserable here!
Thanks for reminding me that it's normal to feel this way. I want to get to the days where I don't care what he's doing!! Actually, I do feel like I'm getting more and more there (slowly), or at least I have myself believing that I dont care. Its days like this that I realize I do.
I think my pessimism re: my romantic present and future also comes from my past with guys, too. I dated a guy in college who cheated on me with his ex, after I had told him I wouldn't date him unless he squared things away with her- I knew of her and respected her as a person. Well, that sucked. I dated a pathological liar, thats a funny story. So when this guy came along, it almost WAS like he was jesus christ, haha. It makes the horrible way he treated me at the end even a harder blow, because I just really didnt see something like this coming from HIM.
So yes, I know Im young and I do have so much going for me and Im loving my life more or less...I just hate this aspect of it! Hopefully it will all work out and I'll meet someone who won't want to let me go.

 
Old 01-14-2006, 02:02 PM   #5
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Re: Rough day...

Yeah, I think you're feeling especially down today because it's such a crappy day. I'm not feeling great, either. All this gloom and rain can really be depressing. I recommend renting a funny movie for tonight to take your mind off of sad things like your ex and the general doom and gloom of dating in NYC. Have you seen "Orange County"? It's a couple years old but hilarious. Hang in there, Citygirl--tomorrow will be better

 
Old 01-14-2006, 02:09 PM   #6
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Re: Rough day...

i hear you about dating histories... my last boyfriend was the closest to 'normal' i had ever gotten, and because of that i had a false sense of security on some level. hence, his jesus christ status. but i had to realize later on that i had CREATED that status. while he was a nice enough guy, he had his share of problems just like me, and just like the other guys i had dated previously. maybe those problems were a lot deeper beneath the surface, but that doesn't mean they didn't exist. as time goes on and you meet lots of different guys, you will recognize what maybe wouldn't have worked in your own relationship. don't feel doomed. every experience is a learning one. and your getting all yours out of the way while you're young! nice job.

so many great things are going to happen. they really are.

 
Old 01-14-2006, 04:18 PM   #7
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Re: Rough day...

Im starting to realize what wouldnt have worked, actually. The last post I made in my old thread addresses that exact thing. It helps me know that he wasn't as perfect as I thought, but if HE was better than all the others, it gives me little hope. I do want to think positively though
I also just got rejected from a rebound situation, which made me upset, for, oh..an hour or so. I had no feelings for the guy obviously, but it just knocked me while I was down, I suppose. At least it smartened me up and made me realize that Im back in the single world and am not under the security of a guy that loves and respects me anymore- I have to make smart decisions now and look out for myself.

Last edited by lady346; 01-14-2006 at 04:19 PM.

 
Old 01-14-2006, 05:52 PM   #8
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Re: Rough day...

Just to add- I do think there were a lot of things that show why we weren't good together, I guess I just struggle with the feeling that those things were outnumbered by all the reasons why we were so good together

 
Old 01-14-2006, 06:32 PM   #9
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Re: Rough day...

know what citygirl? if you found happiness with someone once, you will find it again. i know the good outweighed the bad for you with him, but all you're going to do in your life is improve. and the better you get, the better your relationships will be.

for myself, i've also said this here before: i am way more interesting than i ever was while i was with my boyfriend. we were best friends, and we were boyfriend-girlfriend, but boy, were we stagnant. if i'm ever able to do this without sounding like a total jerk, i'll thank him for forcing my hand to break up with him.

you, citygirl, independently of anyone, are amazing. it is still the beginning stages of your mourning, so expect to have some setbacks and roll with it as best you can.

 
Old 01-14-2006, 06:35 PM   #10
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Re: Rough day...

i almost forgot to tell you... two weeks after my bf and i broke up, i found myself on a date with someone else. clearly, it was waaayyyy too soon. but after the date, this guy never e-mailed me/called me again, and i felt the same thing: the sting of rejection that lasted all of a minute, because i could have cared less about him anyway! funny how that works, right? you're just not ready yet, and think of it as a little rebound/practice run, but NOT indicative of what real dating is going to be like for you.

 
Old 01-14-2006, 09:23 PM   #11
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Re: Rough day...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiya
Realizing you aren't right for each other is a big step, one that I'm missing which may be why I have had such a hard time moving on, but it's an important realizion, no matter how shakey it may be. I think to a certain degree I do have that realization, but it does take a while to sink in and saturate your consciousness. I know I don't want my ex back, not the way he was before, anyway.
Ok, am I completely delusional? Next month will be officially 2 yrs since my breakup, and I've still not come to this realization. I'd take my ex back in a heartbeat, if only. But I know I can never have him back. That's about as far as I've ever gotten. What's wrong with me?

I guess you sound to be doing quite well next to me, Citygirl, so just take it one step at a time. I'll be hoping with you that find that next special person soon.

 
Old 01-14-2006, 10:52 PM   #12
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Re: Rough day...

Quote:
Originally Posted by LostMyHeart
Ok, am I completely delusional? Next month will be officially 2 yrs since my breakup, and I've still not come to this realization. I'd take my ex back in a heartbeat, if only. But I know I can never have him back. That's about as far as I've ever gotten. What's wrong with me?

I guess you sound to be doing quite well next to me, Citygirl, so just take it one step at a time. I'll be hoping with you that find that next special person soon.
No, I don't think you're delusional, LMH! ((HUG)) It just may take more time. Do my list thing. Write out two lists, one with all the great things about your relationship and what you really miss about it, and one with all the little negative, bad, nit picky, uncomfortable, unpleasant things about it and I bet the second one will be much longer. that will be the start of your realization.

I'm not worried about you at all, citygirl. I'm sure you'll be just fine! Keep your chin up!

 
Old 01-14-2006, 11:44 PM   #13
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Re: Rough day...

Thank you all so much for the kind words. It really makes me feel so great despite my rough moments. I still lament over him all the time, its just I catch myself doing so and push it out of my head. However, Im finding myself focusing more on how much of an a**hole he was near the end- that it makes it easier! He really was such a jerk that last month- I swear, like he turned off a light switch and became a totally different person.
I went out with my best friend tonight for a while and I honestly didn't think about him ONCE. Well, until the others left and we walked to the subway and then i just started venting to her about him.. Other than that, it felt good to be out and thoughtless regarding him. Its really just when I get reminded of him, think of him with another girl, wonder what he's doing in his life, etc etc etc that it gets me down. My friend told me that it doesnt matter now if hes with another girl or not. It does to me, though! It would really kill me... Anyway, thanks so much for your support!
* Oh, and I think why Ive come to the realization so soon about why we weren't PERFECT for each other in all ways, is that it was always a concern of mine, and it actually was the main theme in a lot of our deep convos/disagreements, and fights at the end. I just always felt taken for granted. We had a lot of religious differences, and differences in the way we dealt with conflict, and he was just not as forthcoming with his love, communication, and compromises as I was...I just always felt very unequal, like I gave more. And, in reality, I did. I was his first love, first relationship, etc. Yet I loved him too much to ever want to be without him. I still think we had this rare, intense love that not all ppl find, which is why its so hard...however, I do think that if I stayed with him I would have not been happy every day, because I would have always longed for him to give 110% like I had for him, and he wasn't willing to do that.

Last edited by lady346; 01-15-2006 at 12:28 AM.

 
Old 01-15-2006, 12:06 AM   #14
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Re: Rough day...

Hey citygirl -

I'm glad you had the chance to get out last night and get your mind off things, and to talk it out at the same time. You're lucky to have friends who will be there for you now. Take care to nurture those relationships now, and take joy in being there for them, too.

Here's hoping that it won't take long to find someone much better suited for you!

 
Old 01-15-2006, 10:16 AM   #15
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Re: Rough day...

I think the other thing is this- I often think of his friends and his life and all the stuff he did that I enjoyed to be a part of so much...and I feel upset that I won't be there anymore- that his friends won't ask him how his girl is, etc. Its like I never was. THEN I think aout what amazing friends I have, and how much fun stuff I was always inviting him along to do with me, etc etc., and I think how hes such an idiot to want to give that up.
(Its just- I wonder if i'm bulls**tting myself when I think this. I can believe it 100% one day, and then when I have bad days I realize that I'm not sure if I'm just telling myself all of this confident stuff to feel strong, and not really believing it!)

 
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