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Old 01-14-2006, 06:53 PM   #1
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Unhappy Boyfriend does not make time for me....

I know that it is not healthy for a couple to spend all their time together, nor would I want to spend every waking hour with my boyfriend... but we only see each other once a week. We are both very busy. He is in school full time and I work part time and I am in school full time as well. We both have fridays, saturdays, and sundays off. He will usually spend time with me Friday evening. Saturday he will spend going out with his buddies to the bar, and Sunday he will spend recovering from Saturday by himself at home. We have been together for 2 years now and it has always been the same deal. Is it unreasonable of me to want to see my boyfriend more than once a week? He is 33 years old and I don't think it would kill him to try and find more time for me. He also spends time with his buddies during the week when he is done with school and they are done with work.... so he sees them a lot more than he does me. I am not saying that he should skip the buddies nite out, nor would I tell him to do so because I think that he would get mad and feel controlled...

Since we are in a serious relationship is it unreasonable of me to think that he should want to maybe spend another day during the weekend with me and maybe skip his buddies night out once a month?

Sometimes I just feel a little left out of his life and hurt....

I am 24 and this is really the first serious relationship I have ever been in... What is the normal amount of time serious couples spend together? I have always been under the impression that people at this stage in a relationship spend more time with eachother.

Last edited by Marie21; 01-14-2006 at 06:55 PM.

 
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Old 01-14-2006, 07:57 PM   #2
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Re: Boyfriend does not make time for me....

I don't think you're being unreasonable. If he sees his buddies during the week, then he shouldn't need to see them on the weekend. That time should be reserved for you. And you're right. People who've been together for 2 years see each other more than once a week. A lot more.

 
Old 01-14-2006, 08:30 PM   #3
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Re: Boyfriend does not make time for me....

My last boyfriend worked third shift seven nights a week and would only see me on Saturdays from 6:00-9:00 PM. When I complained, he would say he would "try".....occasionally he would offer to take me to a bar on a Tuesday or Wednesday that had 25-cent wings. Big deal. He actually only took me three times and cancelled out on me (overslept, etc.) three or four times.

 
Old 01-14-2006, 10:07 PM   #4
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Re: Boyfriend does not make time for me....

I agree that you have every right to want to spend more time together. Couples need time together inorder to grow. If you let him know that all you want is more time together than he shouldn't get mad. If he does get mad or is unwilling to start spending more time with you than maybe you should consider if he is able to give you all the things you need. I think you're entitled to a lot more. Besides, he's 33 years old and it seems like it's time to be a bit more mature and I don't see why he should still be going out every Saturday with his buddies and needing every Sunday to recover. Why can't he go out with his friends once a month or bring you along atleast some of the time. That's not too much to ask and asking him to meet your needs and include you in his life isn't controlling. Good luck

 
Old 01-15-2006, 12:26 AM   #5
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Re: Boyfriend does not make time for me....

My situation with my (now ex) boyfriend was different, but I put a post up a while back that was entitled pretty much the same thing (check under Lals49, my other name, I think it was something like 'We never see each other'.). Sorry this is long, I just have a lot of personal experience here with this type of general feeling of inequality.
My ex started dental school this year, and all of a sudden it was like a light switch was turned off. We were long-distance for a whole year before this school year, got super-close over that time, and couldnt wait to be in the same city, so it was wonderful when he got here- it was like we were honey-mooning. We spent all our time together and I felt like we reinstated our love by being together whenever we desired. Well, as soon as his tests piled up, I was suddenly expendable. It got to the point where I was bawling my eyes out often, and I even tried to compromise with him to see me just one night a week, which was ridiculous considering how much we usually saw each other- after two days even HE used to come up and see me saying it had been 'too long'. When I tried to compromise to one night a week, he actually REFUSED (what a jerk). Said he didnt have 'the time' beacuse of studying.
I'm 23 and my then-boyfriend, who I thought was the love of my life and who I thought I wuold marry (due to mutual plans) was 22. You and I are both pretty young. To be honest, I got so frustrated with always being the one to give up MY time and energy and try to compromise. I felt like I was always there for him when he wanted me and he was rarely there for me when I wanted him. He ended up breaking up with me 2 months ago, saying that he was mistreating me and needed to be alone. Sometimes, I wish I was the one to do it, because now it makes me look sort of pathetic that I put up with such bad treatment for a month (it happened so suddenly, just in a month's time).
My point here is, I thought it was just a temporary thing- he was busy, he was adjusting, it was a new life for him, etc etc etc. I made a lot of excuses. Yet, it wasn't temporary. It was really just his true colors showing through. I can SORT OF understand my guy's selfishness and immaturity due to his young age, but its still no excuse. I dont think he'll change much with age. Your guy being 33, well, i think he can do a lot better than that! I guess it comes down to whether you can deal with this forever, or if you feel truly unequal in your devotion to each other. Looking back, I felt pretty unequal often with how much I gave in general (due to other things), which is what started a lot of arguments near the last month of my relationship...I just hadn't gotten to the point yet where I wanted to be without him. Not at all! I guess I just feel like yours might not change if you hang on and/or try to change him into giving you more time. Mine didn't. My advice- have you talked to him about this? Try compromising your weekends a little and see how willing he is to bend in some ways (one saturday with his friends, the next with you? Something of the sort.) Mine obviously didn't want to compromise at all, which I think said a lot about his feelings toward me, (AND his character as a person) so maybe you can get more insight there if you see what hes thinking.

 
Old 01-15-2006, 12:47 AM   #6
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Re: Boyfriend does not make time for me....

Are you ever invited to come along when he hangs out with the guys? Everyone needs a "guy's night out" or a "girl's night out" but 33 is too old to devote every stinking Saturday night to drinking himself so silly that he needs every Sunday, all day Sunday, to recover. Do you ever have dinner with him on Sunday evenings? Do you ever come over on Sunday just to hang out, watch a video or anything? He needs all day Sunday to recover from drinking Saturday? To such a degree that he can't even hang out with you and relax for a while on Sunday? I hate to say this, but it needs to be said: even after 2 years, it really doesn't sound to me like you're his girlfriend at all. It sounds like you're his once-a-week sport you-know-what. He loves drinking and his buddies more than he loves being with you, and two years is simply too long to spend on a guy who can't be bothered to give you more than one night a week. To be really honest with you, if it were me, I wouldn't nag, I wouldn't talk about it, I would just put my walking shoes on and keep walking.

 
Old 01-15-2006, 07:15 AM   #7
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galinaqt HB User
Re: Boyfriend does not make time for me....

If he has so much time for friends he would certainly can have more time for you. I think your demands are reasonable.

 
Old 01-15-2006, 09:27 AM   #8
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Boyfriend does not make time for me....

It's been said already, but I think its important to realize what most of us heard in your initial post.

You are with a 33 yrs old man who gets so drunk that he is hungover the entire next day. That is a huge red flag right there.

Personally I have a feeling that if your one night together suddenly included no sex he would either need to see you a little more often - or you'd find out that sex was really all he needed from you.

You have 60+ years ahead of you with someone who loves you - AND wants to be with you. I think you might want to think about getting out there and finding that person....
Ruth

 
Old 01-15-2006, 01:48 PM   #9
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Unhappy Re: Boyfriend does not make time for me....

Thanks for all the replies. Some Sundays he will come over for a little bit, but that doesn't happen very often. I guess I shouldn't have made it sound like he spends every Sunday recovering the whole day. That is just the impression I get on most Sundays. He is tired or doesn't feel like being around anyone. I just assume he drank a lot the nite before.... They don't go to the bar every Saturday. Some Saturdays they go fishing or play cards...etc... I am sure their is drinking though.

He rarely invites me when he goes out with the guys. I wouldn't have much fun anyway. It is the same thing every time. I turn around for a second and he is gone. He is a very extroverted talkative person. And I admire that about him since I am very quiet, and soft-spoken. But he gets so into his conversations that I don't think he would even notice if some strange guy was hitting on me or if I left. I know eventually he would....

I almost feel bad for some reason if I try to get him to spend 2 nites with me in a row. I don't know I get the feeling that he might go crazy if he had to spend that much time with me. I have asked him before it he had to spend a whole week with me if he would go crazy. He laughed and reassued me no, that he wouldn't.

I think that maybe his last girlfriend ruined him for me. He says she wouldn't let him spend any time with his friends, and if he did that he must have gotten into trouble. Than I guess she ended up cheating on him... and he says he doesn't ever want to be one of those guys again. You know the ones who lose all contact with thier buddies as soon as they get a girl friend. I don't know I think he has been single for too long and is too far the other extreme.

I have talked to him about this and he is coming over today. I guess thats a start. I still think that he should spend more time with me. I don't know why, but I always feel guilty if I try to get him to see me on Saturday instead of his buddies. I don't know if it is somthing he has said to me in the past or if it's just me... but I feel guilty. Does that make sence. I think maybe it has just been like this for so long. I thought that with time he would want to see me more.

Usually when I bring this up he says that he is a busy guy and that we are both busy. This is true. However, should I feel guilty about wanting him to skip a few Saturdays a month with his friends? I feel like he may start to resent me if I do make him.

He has already made plans to go on a fishing trip over spring break. Why doesn't he ever make plans to take me somewhere? Am I doing something wrong in this relationship? Don't get me wrong. He is not a bad guy and he does do nice things for he. He got me a very nice be B-day present and Christmas present. However, I have given him romantic suggestions of things I would like to do... and he never does any of them. At times I feel like I am not a very big part of his life.....

 
Old 01-16-2006, 08:45 AM   #10
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Re: Boyfriend does not make time for me....

Marei - I'm truly sorry you're finding yourself in this position. I know form personal experience how much it stinks. But unfortunately, you can't force another person to WANT to spend more time with you. But at the same time, you have the right to feel nurtured, cared for, and fulfilled in your relationship. If you like, see if he comes around a little more. i mean, you've told him how you feel about it, that's all you can do. The ball's in his court now. But if you're this unhappy, it may be time consider whether this is really the guy for you. You've already given him two years, how much more of your life are you willing to spend on someone who isn't giving you what you need?

 
Old 01-16-2006, 08:54 AM   #11
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Re: Boyfriend does not make time for me....

hi. I understand where you are coming from. I think more than once a week is reasonable. However, it sounds like you are both very busy and that could have someothing to do with it. I have a bit of a different perspective on this that I just thought I would share. I am in my 30's, and I am married with 1 child. I too, enjoy my girls night out, and I always have. Now, I have calmed it down a bit, it's not every Saturday night anymore, although sometimes it turns out that way if something special is going on, but every 2nd or 3rd Saturday night I do like to go out with my girlfriends. Sometimes we do end up at the bars dancing, ro we will end up at a movie or a pub or whatever. The point is, that is my girl time. I have dated guys in the past who would try to invite themselves along, and honestly, this is a huge turn off. Once in a while, sure, but I think in relationships we have to respect friendships that our partners have. It sounds like you are doing that. That being said, if it's been 2 years and you are seeing each other only 1 time a week that isn't very much..I think he should put aside 1 Saturday a month for you, and perhaps try to spend some time Sundays or during the week as well. That isn't an unreasonable request at all. As far as his guy trip away fishing, I wouldn't make a bit deal about it. My husband does that to, as do I, at least once a year we go away seperately. What is your social life like? I hope you also get out and have your own fun time with your own freinds. perhaps you could casually mention that you would like to plan a trip for a day or two away just the two of you. See what his reaction is. He might surprise you. I guess you need to decide what you want from this? talk to him honestly, without feeling guilty, about your need for a bit more time together, and take it from there...You aren't asking him to give up all his guy time, and to me that is a perfectly reasonable request...

 
Old 01-16-2006, 03:26 PM   #12
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Re: Boyfriend does not make time for me....

I have been with my boyfriend for two years and we see each other every single day without fail, about 6 hours a day. Just seeing him once a week sounds like a dream! Just kidding. I don't really understand how you can have a relationship with someone you see only one day a week. I understand you are both busy, but it does not sound like the relationship is a priority for your boyfriend.

Quote:
He rarely invites me when he goes out with the guys. I wouldn't have much fun anyway. It is the same thing every time. I turn around for a second and he is gone.
This stood out to me above all. You go out with him and he just completely ditches you? Are you SURE you have it right, that this is actually supposed to be a relationship? He doesn't even sound like he makes a good FRIEND. I would talk to this guy, because I don't think you guys are on the same page here.

Last edited by GypsyArcher; 01-16-2006 at 03:27 PM.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 04:06 PM   #13
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Re: Boyfriend does not make time for me....

I hate to say this but if after two years you still see your "boyfriend" on average once a week, you are not in a serious relationship. This man sounds like a Peter Pan who has no desire to be in a real relationship, not to mention settle down with a woman any time soon. It all depends what you're looking for, but if a 33-year-old man prefers to spend the majority of his free time with his buddies than with a girlfriend of two years, it would be a cause for concern for me. You might be wasting your time with him, I'm afraid.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 05:01 PM   #14
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Re: Boyfriend does not make time for me....

Sophia and the others are right you know. I also suspect his last girlfriend had the same problem with him spending more time with his friends than with her. If she did in fact end up cheating on him, then what on earth does he hope to accomplish with you, by not spending enough time with you either? That just doesn't make sense.
As for feeling guilty for asking him to spend more time with you, well, maybe it's because you know in your heart, if you have to ask in the first place, he doesn't want to. Any guy who is truly in love will want to spend as much time as possible with his girl, but he has made it clear from his actions that he values his friends to the exclusion of you. A person can have both, so losing his friends is not a good excuse.
I'd venture to bet there's a lot of single guys looking for a sweet, kind and considerate girlfriend, but you're "taken" (at least once a week anyway). Trust me, I know for a fact that you can have a boyfriend who doesn't take you for granted, but you'll have to let this one loose first.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 05:16 PM   #15
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Re: Boyfriend does not make time for me....

Cookiepls is right, even in my worst relationships, I never spent as little time as you do with a boyfriend. That is not normal, especially for a man his age. He must have serious issues about women and commitment. Please don't waste any more time with him.

 
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