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Old 01-15-2006, 01:13 AM   #1
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RachelMichelle HB User
Unhappy Do I have a problem?

Hi I am new here and I am driving myself crazy! Let me give you my past, and I am going to be totally honest here. I was marries 12 yrs,we have 4 children.Ended up on a divorce. Been divorced for 3 yrs now.When I got divorced I lost myself. Drinking sleeping around. I felt so worthless i didnt cae about myself,my family or my children. I went to the dr and she put me on paxil. Well I had no choice but to move in with my folks. Been here 3 yrs. My dad recently passed away (8 months ago) and I feel the need to stay with mom through this hard time. Besides my X doesn't help much with paying his CS. Anyway finally got over my divorce,stopped drinking and sleeping around.Took me a good 2 yrs =( I met a man I thought was wonderful, stayed with him for 3 yrs. Broke up with him because i was allowing myself to help him wayyyy too much. I helped him move from fl to nj. helped him with food. Gave him money. Sure we had good times but I finally woke up!!!!! Realized what i was doing. What was i thinking???? I think he was there to talk to when I needed someone. Thank Goodness i did not marry him, he asked me I said yes, then broke it off. So about 2 months later my friend introduced me to a man she knew. I was very reluctant about this. Was tired of men at this point. It took him 3 tries to even get my phone number. Well he makes me smile, laugh just feel comfortable. My familuy see I am happy. And honestly my kids are so hapy I left my old bf. Anyhow.. He lives an hr away from me. Has his own house, is divorced was also married 12 yrs. Has 2 children which h sees every other weekend. So we met had a fantastic time. Joked around laughed . Decided to see each other again, went to see him, again had a great time! I go see him on friday nights and come home saturday before 1100am. Funny thing my mom isok with this. ( i think because she really hated my old bf) So we met again this is the third time. This time again were very comfortable laughing relaxing together. Thing is ...The first time we were together he treated me to dinner, we watched a movie then got intamite.I am 39 he is 42. Itjust happen, or did it? I feel it just happen.Every time i go see him, ( and me going there is my choice do not want kids ro meet him yet)they know abouthim though. Everytime i go there we have soo much fun, he says he is comfy with me.We always end up in bed. Everytime. i am not saying this is a bad thing!! We just have that connection, friends and lovers. My problem is. He works alot, considering I dont see him til friday its ok. I sit at home and wait for my phone to ring DRIVES ME NUTS!!!!!!! he doesnt call everyday nor do I. I really want this to work.I dont wanna be pushy or scare him away with being clingy. I figure if i just relax and know how good we feel together when together I can leave it at that. But I find myself not sleeping,he is always on my mind. i really like this guy. i have a fear that he is seeing others, Which is his choise afterall only saw him 3 times. But if he wasnt interested he wouldnt want me there every friday or call me during the week! WHAT IS MY PROBLEM??? why cant i just relax, sleep like i should.I miss him when we arent together.I think I am being overdramatic. He said he thinks about me and finds me sexy and has a great time with me. Why is it i need more??? I feel i need him to tell me he isnt seeing anyone but me. I cant take myself anymore. what am I to do??
sorry so long but I am just tired of being so insecure.

 
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Old 01-15-2006, 01:36 AM   #2
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west1670 HB User
Re: Do I have a problem?

You need to play it cool otherwise I think you will end up scaring him off.

You say you feel insecure, which is the key issue here. If you can get more confidence in your self, it will be far better for your relationship. Rather than sitting by the phone ,why don't you get out more - join the gym, do some voluntary work, go walking or swimming. Taking part in something new will also mean you have a few more interesting things to talk about with your man, which I am sure will be great for your relationship.

I hope this helps.

X

 
Old 01-15-2006, 01:38 AM   #3
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Hiya HB User
Re: Do I have a problem?

So you slept with him on your first meeting? I just want to get the story straight. You said you've only seen each other 3-4 times, but end up in bed "every time." When you get intimate with someone, your body releases seretonin and oxytocin, chemicals that work to make you feel an attachment to the person you are with. It seems to affect women more than men. Have you every had the experience of not really being that inot a guy, then you sleep with him, and you just feel a strong compulsion to sleep with him again, sometimes almost like an addiction? That's the chemicals. Everyone's balance is different, so it affects people differently, but not to get off on a tangent. I think it would have been wise to have not jumped in the sack with him so fast, but since you can't rewind time...I'd say just try to focus your attention on your life, your kids, your job, your friends, and let this relationship develop naturally. 3 or 4 dates is too soon to start putting so much pressure on yourself to stress about "where is this going??" Build a happy life for yourself and your kids, and let him be just something fun you do some Friday nights. Keep your eyes open and assess the situation objectively, and use your instincts and you will know when things are progressing. When he's gotten to the point where he knows he wants you to be part of his life and wants you all to himself, he will let you know in no uncertain terms.

 
Old 01-15-2006, 05:16 AM   #4
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RachelMichelle HB User
Re: Do I have a problem?

Thankyou that was GREAT advice. And you are right I need to focus on my life!!Like i was doing I have come a long way. I am finally getting happy. And again youre right i need to enjoy our fridays at least he wants me there =))) i will keep you posted.....

 
Old 01-15-2006, 05:32 AM   #5
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Music4All HB User
Re: Do I have a problem?

Quote:
Originally Posted by RachelMichelle
We always end up in bed. Everytime. i am not saying this is a bad thing!! .
Maybe you should say it.

Hiya has made some excellent points as to how intimacy with a near stranger can chemically foul up your thought processes and rational thinking. If a 42 year old divorced man is getting his sexual needs met this easy, he has no need to pursue, woo, date, committ, etc. It can be a big problem to make sex a part of a relationship from the first day.

I suggest you back off from this part of it and see if he stays and pursues without getting those desires so easily satisfied.

 
Old 01-15-2006, 12:48 PM   #6
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RachelMichelle HB User
Re: Do I have a problem?

We do other things too. We talk alot watch movies go to dinner.what are you saying????

 
Old 01-15-2006, 01:46 PM   #7
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Music4All HB User
Re: Do I have a problem?

Quote:
Originally Posted by RachelMichelle
We do other things too. We talk alot watch movies go to dinner.what are you saying????
If you are asking me, I am saying no more sex until the relationship has matured enough to make a clear headed judgement on if he is in it for you and the long term benefit of being with you for who you are or of he is in it because his physical needs are being easily met. If you are in it looking for a long term loving, committed relationship, sex so early can be a distraction to seeing/thinking clearly.

 
Old 01-15-2006, 02:27 PM   #8
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Do I have a problem?

As a product of the 70's I have to say I am still amazed everytime I read a reply like Hiya's or Music's and say, "Yes - That rings true."

I hope that the pendulum continues its swing back to delaying sex until there is a real life commitment. The sex will be better, mean more, take less an emotional toll on the woman in particular, reduce the risk for both.

Would you feel so unsure of his intentions a year from now if he was interested in meeting with you with the intention of becoming closer to you as a person rather than a bed partner?
(and no, I'm not being holier than thou - I have stories that would make your hair curl from my single days in the 70's & 80's. But I can give you the benefit of my experience and tell you that I would have waited aLOT longer - like 6 months to a year if I had to do it all over again.)

 
Old 01-15-2006, 03:03 PM   #9
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RachelMichelle HB User
Re: Do I have a problem?

I honestly dont think I can not be intimate with this man. There is a connection. I cant seem to not to. I do however understand your point. And I do agree. I have been with alot of different guys. This one is more than just a night in bed. But I will try on friday ok? Its gonna be hard though LOL

 
Old 01-15-2006, 04:42 PM   #10
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Music4All HB User
Re: Do I have a problem?

Quote:
I honestly dont think I can not be intimate with this man.
I hope this is not really true.

If you think you can't be with him without having sex, the point has already been demonstrated. You cannot be clear headed and objective towards this relationship if you feel the way you say you do. Further intimacy will serve to obscure red flags that do appear.

Having even a very strong connection does not have mean intimacy is uncontrolably inevitable. If you have already decided you cannot say no, do use protection.

Last edited by Music4All; 01-15-2006 at 04:47 PM.

 
Old 01-15-2006, 05:58 PM   #11
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bluegreeneyeguy HB User
Re: Do I have a problem?

If you can"t refrain from sex for a period of time. Yes, you do have a problem. You will also be trying to build a relationship based on sex. Work on your self esteem.

 
Old 01-15-2006, 06:26 PM   #12
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Re: Do I have a problem?

I am honestly afraid hats the only reason men have been with me except my x husband. Seems every guy I have been with was always that. =( sad thing is like i said I really am falling for this guy. And yes maybe it means more to him too. Soon i will find out. thanks

 
Old 01-16-2006, 12:18 AM   #13
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Re: Do I have a problem?

well here i am 3am Cant get HIM off my mind. We imd a little bit this morning well 10am sunday. He said he had a very nice time with me. We didnt talk much he just said he was making coffee, we talked about football, he said he had to go take a shower he is going to a get together ..football thing with his buddy. I told him to have fun he told me the same...Havent heard from him since then. Doesnt call me or email me on saturday after i leave and I dont here from him on sunday.yet during the week he will drop me a line. what gives here? What the hell am i his friday night sex buddy???I want to have a talk with him friday when I see him. Just wanna say..you say you have a great time with me,but i am feeling like your friday night sex buddy.Should I even say anything or just go with the flow? Just dont understand why no quick phone call just to say hi ??After reading your posts i am starting to quetion what he really wants. When i go there he has dinner ready for me,we talk watch a movie have a drink whatever .... all he has said is he is comfortable with me and he has a great time with me, In the morning he makes me coffee we talk a little then he is off to work and me home, then i dont hear from him til monday or tuesday i never know..i just dont understand why. If we laugh talk are comfortable why not call me?email me? I wish i could just say look buddy am i your sex buddy or what????i dont want that but unfortunatly it already happened, cant turn back that. And yes i will admit i enjoy sleeping with him also. i enjoy the company we we together. but like i said I wish he would give me more signs that he may want to pursue this into a more meaningful relationship. What are the signs anyway. Of course he is gonna call me when he knows i will go see him and sleep with him. Been 4 times now.So I live an hr away, cant he get that anywhere? I am a nice caring person tired of having to wonder.I am gonna be 40 yrs old,Tired of playing games. Just wanna know guys what should i tell him on friday???or should I??

 
Old 01-16-2006, 01:07 AM   #14
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Re: Do I have a problem?

I dont mean to be rude - but how do you HONESTLY expect him to act? You jumped in the sack with him on your first date. You said it yourself - you sleep with him everytime you see him and you can't help it.

You can't really blame him if he interprets it as just-fun. You don't really know him - how could you? you've seen him a few times - fridays as you said so yourself. And all those times - you always had sex with him. Think about it, you dont think there is a big possibility that he might interpret you having sex with him (everytime) as a sign of a no-strings-attached relationship (?)

By having sex with him on the first date and...well every date - I think you have given him the wrong message without intending to.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 02:10 AM   #15
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bluegreeneyeguy HB User
Re: Do I have a problem?

At this point, your both using each other for sex. The only difference is you may want more.
As for your question about him having sex with a woman who lives an hour away. Why not? Your doing the traveling and if he wants a sex buddy for another nite. More the better you don"t live around him. All he has to do is make you a dinner.

 
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