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Old 01-15-2006, 07:36 AM   #1
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skygirl HB User
Mom Abusing StepDad

My mother has always been a very jealous person, she put my dad through pure h---. He died 13 years, and she remarried 18 months later.

My SD had never been married and he is the sweetest man, very kind and gentle. He is very sick and mother has been trying to take care of him. They are wealthy and can afford help but she doesn't want anyone but the family in the house. I have 2 sisters and 1 brother. My youngest sister and I live close enough to help. I have chronic pain but I go 3 to 4 times weekly to help clean and to DR Appts.

Mother is very stressed out and she talks to him worse than a dog. My sister told me a few weeks ago she is afraid mother may be hitting him. I thought so too but couldn't prove it. I went over there a day later and mother said,"Well, I did something I have never done before, I hit him 3 times last night in the bed, he was driving me crazy." I went off on her and said you don't hit him, that is abuse. She told me it was her husband and she could hit if if she wanted to. I gave her what for,and then she runs to him and says, I didn't hurt you, did I ? He said no, I thought you were petting me. He is so afraid of her that he will not say anything against her

Mother will not let him take all his RX Medicine, she decides what he can have.

I took him to the doctor last Thur. and he was put on Avodart for his enlarged prostate. When we got home I told mother and she went nuts, saying he is not going to take it, the doctor is a quack.

He has kidney stone that is too large to pass so he's having it removed next Tue. He has been in severe pain, and the doctor gave him something a little stronger than he usually takes for pain,and she won't give it to him.

He is suppose to take his regular pain medicine every 4 to 6 hours, but, some days she won't let him have any. Her excuse is he may become addicted. He's close to 80, and the doctor said him being pain free is more important than worrying about addiction at his age.

My youngest sister always finds some excuse for mother doing all the cruel things to him, and I agree she is under stress but the abuse can not go on.

She has told him she wished he would die, and she was going to put his a-- somwhere. He is the one with all the money which she has control of now, and he always wanted to be taken care of at home. He doesn'
t have any children of his own.

Mother refuses to take any medication for her nerves and stress.

I'm so sick over this, so please help me decide what to do.
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Old 01-15-2006, 01:06 PM   #2
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Re: Mom Abusing StepDad

Wow Skygirl, it is VERY cruel to hit an 80-year-old ill man for ANY reason!!!! You're mum is out of order, sorry to say!
Don't overblame yourself though! You are doing your best and there's nothing more that you can do. Try to help this poor man by being there for him as much as you can. Can't they send him a nurse to look after him and to make sure that he's having his medicine? In this way, your mum will also feel less presurrised and less worried about his addiction. In any case, your mum should know that her behaviour is not acceptable: it is a criminal offence. She could be arrested for that!!! Keep on encouraging her to see a doctor too.
Good luck

 
Old 01-15-2006, 01:21 PM   #3
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Re: Mom Abusing StepDad

Mother will not allow a nurse to come in,says she doesn't want anyone in the house. I really don't think it's the real reason. She loves to tell anyone that will listen how she takes such good care of him. She loves the praise she gets.

She calls anyone on medicine a drug addict, I asked her one day had she rather I die than to take meds for my B/P. She said no that is different, but yet she is always telling me I shouldn't be taking so many pills. I only take what I have to, and that's it.

She tells all thier visitors that he wets the bed and how bad is memory is. His memory is really good for his age, mother is the one with the bad memory.

I'm not allowed to go over at this time, she is still mad at me. I'm hoping my sister will check in on them.

It's so hard with it being my mother, but, something has got to be done.
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Old 01-15-2006, 02:05 PM   #4
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Re: Mom Abusing StepDad

I don't know where you live, but in most states in the US, this is concidered "Elder Abuse" and can have her in jail for such an offense. It is the same as Child Abuse. This happened to my Aunt and Uncle by a care giver at their home and she is now in jail serving a 5 year sentence in California. My Uncle died as a result of her abuse.
You must report her to the authorities and they will let you know what to do. His welfare is in jeopardy. It does sound as if she is just wanting him out of the way so she can have the money, very controlling. Pretty scary if you ask me. I know that you are torn, because she is your mother, but this is a man's life that is being taken away. Can you live with that? You would be as much to blame as she is, by not saying anything. I would be on the phone, right after you read this!

 
Old 01-15-2006, 02:32 PM   #5
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Re: Mom Abusing StepDad

If you really care about your SD. Call the authorities, his doctor and his family.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 04:38 AM   #6
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Re: Mom Abusing StepDad

OMG - what a terrible story. How sad for your step dad to live out the rest of his life in this manner.

Someone needs to Step in........Someone needs to Confront your mother.
Who cares out stressed out she is. It's her choice not to take any MEDS to calm herself down........Hitting your own ill 80 year old husband?

You need to talk to your SD doctors. Let them know your mom is not allowing him to take his meds, that HE needs Medical Attention right away.
Hospice is also an organzation that you can contact and tell them your story and help with caring for your dad.

Best of luck to you,

 
Old 01-16-2006, 06:17 AM   #7
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Re: Mom Abusing StepDad

When I took my SD to the ER last week for his severe pain caused from the kidney stone he can't pass, I asked him if mother was mean to him. I just wanted to see what he would say, his answer was"no, why do you want to know." It's just like him saying he thought she was petting him when she told me she had hit him.

When I went off on her for it she started backing down and said she hit him lightly through the covers. He has to get up several times during the night to urinate and mother was telling him he was killing her and God only knows what else was said. He threw her pillow in the floor, and that really set her off. Another night she was verbally abusing him and he told her he never thought she'd treat him that way. This has come from mother's mouth, nothing I'm guessing at. I don't know why he takes up for her, unless he loves her in some way.

I called my 2 sisters and we're meeting today to talk about this. They have both told me not to ever tell anyone.

Mother is the sweetest thing to her friends at church. I will run into someone and they praise her all the time. I'm thinking, if you only knew. I'm so ashamed of what she's doing and it's killing me to think I may have to be the one to report her. It would mean the end of my relationship with the family.
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Old 01-17-2006, 04:29 AM   #8
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Re: Mom Abusing StepDad

Wow, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I do agree with some of the other posters about calling the authorities. I believe you can do so anonymously. Whatever the case, this is vital to your SD's health as he is not receiving the care he should be (like getting his meds). Sorry to say, but your mother sounds like a very selfish person who doesn't care about his health or well-being but only wants his money, which in that case is even more necessary to call the authorities and try to get in contact with his family before it's too late. I guess it's something you have to decide yourself whether or not it's worth the risk of your family knowing but if you think you would feel guilty not doing anything and something happen to him I would take action immediately.

 
Old 01-17-2006, 05:49 AM   #9
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Re: Mom Abusing StepDad

My sister and I drove 75 miles to meet my other sister half way yesterday and she had brought her daughter and grand daughter. I was so anger because we couldn't talk in front of the others. I don't know what she was thinking.

My SD is having surgery today to remove the stone, so I called his youngest sister and told her what was going on. She was very upset and said to leave it to her. She is going to stay with them for awhile and watch out for him. I told her mother would be very nice in front of her, but, she said she already knew something was going on.

I don't understand why mother will give him his coumadin and lanoxin, the 2 things that keep him alive, but, will not give him his other medicine. She's got a real problem with taking medicine. It looks like if she wanted him out of the way she wouldn't give him anything. I have been fixing his meds in a 30 day pill box and I have found where she has forgotten, or so she says to give him his meds for a few days, but, not all in a row.

I looked up elderly abuse and I couldn't believe all I was reading. Mother has been telling him he is killing her, she's going to put him somewhere, with holding some meds, talking about him in front of others. Tells everyone he wets and poops on himself, that his mine is bad, which it isn't, she's the one with mental problems.

I've told her many times not to being saying those things and she says he doesn't have any sense and he can't remember what she says.

Mother's mine is shot, and I realize the stress she's been under, but, it's been her choice to try and take care of him, and not allowing a nurse to come in. She has been so mean to his brother that he won't come very often anymore. I called and told him he needs to start coming more often and to not let mother scare him off.

My SD has a large cattle farm and his brother helped him run it, but, when he married mother she started telling him and his brothers that he had her now and they didn't need them to run their lives. She knows nothing about running a big farm. It has been one more mess.

It realy makes me angry that my SD let her run all over him, I guess since he had never been married because he stayed home and took care of his parents until they died, that he fell head over heels for mother. She is and always has been a very beautiful woman on the outside.

Does anyone understand why my SD won't say anything negative about mother, is he afraid of her or has he become so dependent on her?
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Old 01-17-2006, 05:54 PM   #10
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Re: Mom Abusing StepDad

More than likely it is both. It is the same kind of thing that women do. A woman who is abused by their husband and still says they love them and won't leave and get out of the situation. For what reason, I don't know. Kind of a syndrome of some sort. Maybe, he just see's what he wants to see and is scared about the rest.
It is good to know that you have stepped up and called his brother and sister. They have a right to know, as they are his blood kin. Maybe they can start asking the questions that don't get answered, about his medicine not being given to him. I would still call your state's social services and ask if there is anything that you could do to help him. They will check on him, I am sure.
Well, I sure do hope that this gets better and keep us informed. It is also good for you to be able to vent your frustration too.
Take Care!!!

 
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