It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 01-15-2006, 12:09 PM   #1
bpb bpb is offline
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 12
bpb HB User
need help, in a bad place

I have in a relationship for the past four years, and I could not ask for a better person to be in it with. I had never been in such a long relationship before so I didnt really know how to handle it but I knew that we loved eachother very deeply.

A couple weeks ago she told me she need some time apart, and this was brought on because of my actions over the past half year to year. After dating for three years I started to get to a point where I was taking her for granted, and I slowly started to treat her worse and worse (not violent, just not loving enough) and I didnt even see that I was doing it because we had been together for so long I got complacent and selfish. I unkowingly pushed her into making this desicion.

When she told me this I felt really sad, and over the next week I looked back on the last year and they way I acted and I felt absolutely shattered knowing that I treated her that way. I was able to re-asses myself and realize just how much I still love her and has given me a whole new appreciation of her. Kind of a "you dont know what you got until its gone" deal. I recently told her all of this and that I was a changed person, and that I know I am still the man she fell in love with and could still give her that same happiness. I asked her for a second chance and she said she count not give me that chance right now, that her feelings had changed for me.

This obviously came as devastating news to me, but I think her feelings had changed because of the way I had been treating her (obviously) and I need her to see that I am different person, and that this event had made me realize how lucky I was to have her in the first place, and how much I still love her. I know that if she would give me a second chance I could show her I am a different person ready to commit myself to her, and that I have learned from my mistakes.

Should she be giving me another chance? what do I need to do to show her that I am changed and that i still love her so much?

I am really confused and hurt, mostly knowing that I caused all this. Is it over for me or is there hope that I can show her that I am the man she fell in love with?


Any help is so greatly appreciated, I am very depressed about this and I have no friends that I can go to for support.

thanks so much for reading this, sorry for the length

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 01-15-2006, 12:35 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: The UK
Posts: 1,315
Nina000 HB User
Re: need help, in a bad place

Hi PbP

I had to reply to this post because what your girlfriend feels is what I feel EXACTLY with my BF of 3 years. I actually have written something and saved it on my desktop to ask advice on how to stop him taking me for granted, and I knew that a short break is the answer.

Give her this break, she would also appreciate you more.I don't doubt that you have good intentions to make things work out, but it would be very easy to slip again into this taking-her-for-granted attitude if you don't distance yourselves from each other for a while. Would she give you a second chance while you are apart?

It is very sad and hurtful the way men take their women for granted! There will always be an inescapable time of familiarity when things would quieten down and become less exciting. I think that your lifestyles and respect for each other also play a part. Do you have separte interests? Do you or she travel alone (or with friends) sometimes? Do you have jobs? Do you do anything that add the missing spark to your relationship?

I would discuss all these things with her, and even when you get back together, try to give each other some personal space.

Good luck

 
Old 01-15-2006, 12:50 PM   #3
bpb bpb is offline
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 12
bpb HB User
Re: need help, in a bad place

thanks so much for your reply Nina, it means alot to hear from someone in the same situation but on the other end.

We are both in college, we are in our last year and close to graduating, we have been together for the past four years.
And she was in a long relationship before she met me so she hasnt really been single since she was 16! I think this had a big role in her decision as well.

All that aside, we were very much in love with eachother and over the past year I started to take her for granted I guess because I just assumed she always be there for me, I got very selfish and treated her far inferior to what she deserved.

Over tha past couple of weeks I have had such a hard time dealing with this, but it has given me time to really ask myself some tough questions, like do I really love her? and have I really learned from this?

When i think about if I love her I am able to see her for all her beauty and all her flaws, and I love her for who she is, warts and all, and I wish so much I would have realized this a year ago.

I also know that I have learned from this because I took the time to understand that i was the cause of alot of pain for her and I appreciate knowhing what i put her through, and it really pains me to know that i was the cause of it all.

I think the only thing I can really do now is not overwhelm her with all my emotion but give her time and make myself get on with my life as best as I can so she can see me as the man she fell in love with.

Being in the same position as Nicole is there any advice you can give me knowing what you know about my situation and how desparately I want another chance to show her how I feel?

Thank you so much for your help, I really appreciate it, and good luck with your situation as well, if you need any insights to my side of things feel free to ask.

 
Old 01-15-2006, 12:50 PM   #4
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 275
Ruby13 HB User
Re: need help, in a bad place

I think I know how your girlfriend feels, too. In my case I had 4 months of being treated well vs a year of being treated badly, so there's no way I believed the guy he was for 4 months was more him than the guy he was for a year. If you guys were really happy for more than half the relationship, then it may be different. I think you should definitely back off and give her some space. Let her know how you feel, but don't impose yourself on her. If you can follow her lead and respect her needs, she may start to see you as that guy she fell in love with again.

However, I think that you should think about whether you really love and want to be with her in a way that's good for her as well as you, or whether you're just hurting because she left you or because she's not there for you anymore.

 
Old 01-15-2006, 12:55 PM   #5
bpb bpb is offline
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 12
bpb HB User
Re: need help, in a bad place

thanks for the reply ruby,

I am sorry to hear about your situation and wish you the best.

I have taken time to realize I do love her and really want to be with her, because the first three and a half years everything was perfect and if I was a little older and through with college i would have asked her to marry me in a heartbeat.

I dont think I would be hurting so much if I really felt the way I was treating her the past few months was acceptable, i realize my mistakes and i wish the world I could take it back.

maybe this will make us stronger in the long run though

 
Old 01-15-2006, 12:56 PM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 3,336
Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: need help, in a bad place

I don't know your age, but keep in mind that many couples would be two years into their marriage at the end of three years.
Things DO settle down after this many years with one person.
However - if you're not married, and there's no engagement ring or talk of any clear cut committment most women will look at that taking for granted as a bad thing.

If she gave you ANY indication at all over the last 6 months to a year that things weren't right and you chose to gloss over them then you truly do need to give her that space and pray that she recognizes your good points even if you've taken her for granted.

By the way, taking someone for granted is not always a bad thing.
I take for granted that my husband is faithful to me.
I take for granted that my marriage is forever.
But I never take his love for granted. You do have to both give into that communal pot that is your relationship.

Most women want commitment if they are still with you after 3 yrs. If you don't want to marry this woman let it go - you would probably have already known if you wanted to marry her.
If you do still want to marry her send her a letter telling her that you realize that you were acting like an old married man & you'd never properly asked her to be your wife.

It's not a case of whether you can get her back or not.
It's - what do you want to do with her if you do?

 
Old 01-15-2006, 01:15 PM   #7
bpb bpb is offline
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 12
bpb HB User
Re: need help, in a bad place

thanks for the reply ruth6:11

we are both 22 and i think that has attributed to alot of problems we started to have, we were both so young when we got together and i always felt to young to ask her to marry me.

After this I have taken alot of time to really look closer at the relationship and my true feelings for her as a person and if I am lucky enough to get her back I will definetly ask her to marry me.

I just wish I knew what to do to make this easier, the pain is so great spiritually and physically, I am having a hard time dealing with myself right now.

 
Old 01-15-2006, 01:55 PM   #8
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: The UK
Posts: 1,315
Nina000 HB User
Re: need help, in a bad place

Hi bPb again

You sound like a nice person who MEANS to make things work out, and I hope that your GF realises that too! I am going to post something that my BF wrote back in August-2004--it may not be my right to post a part of his diary but I feel the urge to do so:

"Nina 'at work'! I am pleased for her: it may lift the curtain on meeting new people, and further opportunities. On the other hand, she should not have to go to work: She didnít labour through Hemmingway to labour for XXXX. I feel guilty in that I am not playing a sufficient money-earning role in this relationship.
I cannot believe I have hurt her. It is undeserved. This desire when I drink, which is to drink more than enough, has to be expunged. But perhaps more importantly, I have to accept that I cannot remould her like a shape I wish her to fit into. I have to accept that she is different, with different values, ideas, and a different way of looking at the world. On the contrary, I have to love her because she is different. This is not the same as accepting her interpretation of things around us, anymore than she can accept mine. I have to be patient and understanding even when she is argumentative. I have to shake this impatience and temper of mine-hence the need to curtail I think-and maybe accept less literally some things I accept as cast in bronze."


I loved him SO much and I wanted to give him another chance. But you know what bPb? Since then, he started hurting me even more, and he kept on asking me for more chances. I wish now that I walked out then and had a break for a while. It would have been healthier for both of us. I am definitely interested in listening to your view, and would be grateful for that.

All I can advise you is reassure her that you love her as much as ever (this is very important for her to know), but please give her a personal space for a while.

Hope things work out great for you. Keep us posted, ok?

Last edited by Nina000; 01-15-2006 at 01:59 PM.

 
Old 01-15-2006, 02:32 PM   #9
bpb bpb is offline
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 12
bpb HB User
Re: need help, in a bad place

thanks again Nina, I am sorry things worked out the way they did with you and your BF, sounds like it was for the better though

thinking about things I came to the conclusion that the reason for my actions over the past six months were centered around my inability to put the effort into our relationship, I found out that to maintain a relationship over time involves alot of work and since I always asumed she would be there for me I didnt put in the effort on my end, like listening to her needs and desires as much I should have. I kept asking to take little breaks to figure out what I wanted, but I never went through with them because I couldnt stand being away from Nicole.

And this kept building up more and more until she couldnt take it any more, I was totally blind to what I was putting her through. I feel so guilty for that now. And through the past couple of weeks dealing with this situation i tried to get to the bottom of my own feelings as well, and was able to recognise my faults and also see that I still do truly love her, and now I long to put that effort into our relationship because i know we had something special and I want to continue that.

I will let her know how much i still love her and at the same time try to give her as much spcae as she needs, I just wish I could have some reassurance that everything is going to be OK.

I will not give up though, she means way to much to me and i know that if she takes me back she will not be dissapointed.

I'll keep you posted on what happens, thanks so much again for your help, it has been invaluble in this very hard time

 
Old 01-16-2006, 07:54 PM   #10
bpb bpb is offline
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 12
bpb HB User
Re: need help, in a bad place

well, here is an update after Nicole and I had a talk this evening

I told her how I still feel about her and that this experience has given me a whole new perspective and respect for her, I told her that I have learned from my mistakes and I recognised how wrong i was, and how bad i feel about the pain I caused her to have. I told her that if she can get to a point where she can start seeing me for who I am and not for who I was, and maybe find it in her to forgive me that she would maybe see that I am the person she fell in love with and still want to be with me.

After all this she still said she didnt want to be with me and didnt know if she ever would. I completely dont understand how she can shut me out like this and how she seemingly doesnt even care that I have changed.

She did say that still has alot of things that she has to figure out on her own about her own life (even things not involving me) which makes me think she cant know for sure that she doesnt want to be with me ever again. She just seems really confused, and I told her I would be here for her as a best friend and that i will still give her the space she needs.

After tonight I am convinced that true love does not exist, and am starting to second guess all my feelings (even though I still know I love her 110%) on life and the way love works. I dont even want to ever get into another relationship knowing that something like this might happen. I have all but given up on life, I really hope I dont do anything stupid to hurt myself, but I am not seeing a whole lot of other options at this point.

thanks for all the help you guys, I guess true love does not always prevail

 
Old 01-16-2006, 08:15 PM   #11
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 648
Fabat40 HB User
Re: need help, in a bad place

bpb,

I feel compelled to respond. I was doing some work and needed a mental break. I saw and followed your post and coming from a woman who's lived some life, hear me out.

First sweetie, life is not over. Yes, you're hurting, in so much pain, I was 22 once and in such excruciating pain. My high school sweetheart was killed in a motorcycle accident when I was around your age. I never got to say good bye to him. I never got to tell him how much I love him. Someone might as well have taken my heart out of my chest and put it in a blender because the way I felt at that point, it wouldn't have mattered. I wasted away down to 80 lbs (I'm 5'7"), I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I didn't even take a shower for 23 days straight. It was my bottom of the bottom pitt. I couldn't think of going on with life. I just couldn't think. We were going to grow old together.....

With that said, I'm glad that I didn't do anything to harm myself or take my life. Even though I was paralyzed by my pain of never seeing the love of my life at that time.

Nicole is confused, and you're in pain. Don't join her confusion. Love her from a distance, but in the meantime, this is a good time to think for yourself and not worry about her. This is a good time to live for yourself, search yourself for what you want, go or continue with school, be successful, travel the world, meet some people, and do all this for You honey, not for Nicole, not for your parents, not for anybody but You. You'll find out how much there is to life out there when you start living it for yourself. Who knows, you may not want her after all the living you'll be doing. But, you'll cross that bridge when you get there.

Life is precious. I discovered that when I started healing from my high-school sweetheart's death. There's so much to life, so much to live for.
True love exists. There are a lot of people who loves you, and some you may not even know.

Don't make a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I promise, you will feel better again.

{{{BIG HUGS}}}

Last edited by Fabat40; 01-16-2006 at 08:20 PM.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 08:25 PM   #12
bpb bpb is offline
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 12
bpb HB User
Re: need help, in a bad place

fabat40-

I absolutely broke down crying reading your post, I am so sorry that happened when you were younger, I cant even begin to imagine how hard that must have been for you.

I really want to take this in a positive manner but my heart is so set on being with Nicole, and I feel like that doesnt even matter to her. I will give the space she needs and I really hope she is able to figure things out for herself before telling me that there is no chance. I just feel so awful knowing I pushed her away from me.

But I love her so much that I really want her to be happy, even if thats not with me (as hard as that would be for me), but I know deep down that I can make her happy because I did for 3 and half years.

I will try to take this time for myself and have some new experiences, but my heart is just so set on being with her it hurts.

thanks so much for your insight, and I am so sorry again about your high school sweetheart

 
Old 01-16-2006, 09:03 PM   #13
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 648
Fabat40 HB User
Re: need help, in a bad place

Aaawww bpb, I didn't want you to cry honey {{{{BIG HUGS}}}}

I just wanted to give you a perspective of my experience so you'd know, I understand what you're going through. I just don't want you to harm yourself, or do anything permanent, you know what I mean.

Forgive yourself for your mistakes with Nicole. I know you love her, you're in here to figure out how to get her back. But I also want to tell you this, I don't know her and I know I could be wrong, but she may start taking advantage of your kind and sweet heart that she may start using you as a doormat. Don't you stoop to that level sweetie, you deserve much more than that.

You will be happy again. You will heal. You will feel better again. But you must forgive yourself first for making a mistake and pat yourself in the back for realizing it. Remember, you're only human.


Last edited by Fabat40; 01-16-2006 at 09:22 PM.

 
Old 01-18-2006, 02:02 PM   #14
bpb bpb is offline
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 12
bpb HB User
Re: need help, in a bad place

ok, I guess I have another update (if any of you care)

Nicole and I had had a couple very motional talks, mostly me puring myself out telling her how much I have changed and how much i want her back etc...
And I really want to get past that, and I want us to be friends and be able to have a good time when we are with one another.

I gave her a three page letter, the first two pages were just quotes that I had found over the interent about forgiveness and i wrote to her that I didnt want to change her mind or put any pressure on her, but I wanted to help her as aperson, independant of me. I know that if she can come to a point where she can forgive me that she will start to see me for who I am now and not who I was for that short period of time.

She told me that she still really wants us to be friends and get together periodically while she has this time to figure things out for her own life, and i really want that as well. But I havent had much of a chance to do that because I dont get to see her that often so when I do I am so filled up with emotion and a bunch of things I want to tell her it ends up turning into another emotion filled talk. I dont mean it to, but it evolves into that.

Until today;...... we had a brief time together without talking about something heavy and it was great. We just click when we are being ourselves and we have a great closeness with eachother. I really love that feeling and I hope that after she can forgive me she will realize how good we are for eachother. I know she still enjoys being with me as a friend, but she just keeps that pain I made her feel so close to the surface that it blocks that friendship from going anywhere.

She said she wants me to be here for her as a friend but with no promise of us getting back together at any point. (she says that because she doesnt want me get into this thinking we are getting back together and end up hurting me more if we dont) I said it was mroe than worth it if it meant I got to be her freind.

Do you think she knows for sure she doesnt want to be with me ever again or do you think that in time and with forgiveness she will eventually see me as the person she wants to be with?

What should I be doing right now? every minute I am not with her I am thinking about her, not obsessive but I just really miss being around her, and this makes me want to call her and see her, which is not what she wants.

I am still very scared of loosing her, does it sound like there could be any hope for us in the future?

Last edited by bpb; 01-18-2006 at 02:05 PM.

 
Old 01-18-2006, 02:14 PM   #15
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 3,336
Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: need help, in a bad place

A couple of things that I noticed...

First, you said that you had a brief time together - nothing heavy - and it was great.
That is probably your first clue for future behavior. Keep things light, don't try to get her to talk about a commitment that she's not comfortable making. And may never be if everytime she talks to you you start discussing an "us" that she can't commit to.
Talk about everyday things, family, friends, movies. Stuff like that.

Second, while you talk about wanting to be friends, you are WAY to emotionally invested in her to ever be friends. If she is any kind of female she can pick up on that and know that you have feelings for her no matter what you say.

I would honestly back so far off that she actually wonders if you're still in the same city. I'm not sure you can do that - but keep in mind that excessive love and adoration can feel smothering and suffocating if you're not prepared to receive it...

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Feelbad (Marcia), need some help sammyo1 Bone Disorders 6 08-18-2008 07:12 AM
Help/Advice neededASAP -Fentanyl detox, pain pat. abused meds will need meds in futre Confused089 Abuse Support 34 07-06-2008 05:33 PM
i need someone to relate... talkshowhost Grief & Loss 9 05-19-2007 05:46 PM
I need help with this head of mine! rederickthe3rd Bipolar Disorder 5 08-16-2006 07:18 AM
i need help ang0412 Eating Disorder Recovery 1 04-04-2006 08:36 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (274), rosequartz (255), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (160), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (105), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1182), MSJayhawk (1015), Apollo123 (913), Titchou (862), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (763), ladybud (760), midwest1 (671), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:07 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!