It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 01-15-2006, 02:48 PM   #1
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1
amsinks HB User
Advice/Opinion on husband in denial

Hello all...

Ok...well...I'm married... going on 3 years in a few months... Just wanted to get a few opinions... and advice..

From what I know... ALL men look at other women, whether married, single, or dating ...and its absolutely normal. I understand that and have no problem with it. My problem is - my husband will look at other women...I'll bring it to his attention at the time and it pisses me off when he denies it! I have asked him many times that all I want him to do is admit that he looks.... but he always says he's not like other men...and he never looks at other women. Maybe I'm just pushing it too much but just today we were shopping at the store and low and behold... I spot a beautiful woman.....yeah..she was very beautiful... and my husband turned his head...glanced... looked straight...then glanced back again... then he turned around when I asked him a question but when he turned around..he looked straight at her before looking at me..... I kinda giggled because I noticed..this time it was more obvious than others so I just confronted him and he swore up and down that he did not look......he even got angry with me and told me.."you know, I'm getting sick of you accusing me of something that I'm not doing" and not in such a NICE voice if you know what I mean. I don't care that he looks.... I just don't understand why he won't admit it... I'm not stupid.. I can see with my eyes especially if he's in front of me doing it. Please help.....should I let this go?

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 01-15-2006, 03:25 PM   #2
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 31
pizzalady HB User
Re: Advice/Opinion on husband in denial

I know many will disagree with me and would just tell you to drop it, that it's no big deal. I can only tell you my experience. I have been married for 16 years. I know my H looks too. Sometimes he is so obvious, to the point that I feel like hitting him upside the head. There are ways of looking and then there's oogling, and drooling, and almost running into something because he is so distracted. But when I ask, did you look, he denies it. I just saw him look but he lied. Now here's my point...he lied. Why does he feel the need to lie? We all know they look so why lie about it, right? If you are honest with yourself you will realize that it's the lying that is bothering you, not the looking as long as it done respectfully. If he will lie about something so innocent as "just looking" what else will he lie about? What is he hiding? Your gut or instincts are telling you something or you would just drop it. As a betrayed spouse, I have learned to trust my gut feelings, they are usually right on. I am not saying your H is cheating or anything like that, but he obviously doesnt mind lying and gets defensive when caught in a lie. Lying causes mistrust in any marriage and once the trust is gone it's hard to keep the marriage going. "Trustworthy people act in trusting ways".

Last edited by pizzalady; 01-15-2006 at 03:32 PM.

 
Old 01-15-2006, 04:45 PM   #3
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 46
Eath HB User
Re: Advice/Opinion on husband in denial

You have no issue with looking, but appear to have one with honesty...

Honesty is about the meaning of words isn't it.... He says he did not look. You say he did. So what do you and he mean by the word 'looking' in this instance? Ogling? Lusting? Flirting? Wishful thinking? Showing interest? To be a sign of something?

Hubby may be concerned that if he admits to looking, that you will/may see this as some sort of infidelity.

Should married men look when they are pledged to one woman? In what sense is looking acceptable? I guess in the sense that it is only looking and not acting...

Last edited by Eath; 01-15-2006 at 04:49 PM.

 
Old 01-15-2006, 05:31 PM   #4
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 19
inquiringmind2 HB User
Re: Advice/Opinion on husband in denial

Yes you should let it go.

 
Old 01-15-2006, 05:54 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,105
tnmomofive HB User
Re: Advice/Opinion on husband in denial

While I do not agree with the lying at all Maybe your husbands thinks if he was to admitt to looking that you would get upset? or feel he is doing more then looking.That may be the reasoning going on in his head before he lies about it I dont know though.I would say let it go as long as he isnt oogling,drooling,etc like Pizzalady stated.Sounds like he is trying to be discreet about it which is a good thing some men out there just do not care and will even make comments with their wife right there.

I say let it go,BUT you have to do what you feel is best for you if this is gonna continue to bother you then you should have a heart to heart with him if possible

 
Old 01-15-2006, 05:56 PM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,105
tnmomofive HB User
Re: Advice/Opinion on husband in denial

While I do not agree with the lying at all Maybe your husband thinks if he was to admitt to looking that you would get upset? or feel he is doing more then looking.That may be the reasoning going on in his head before he lies about it I dont know though.I would say let it go as long as he isnt oogling,drooling,etc like Pizzalady stated.Sounds like he is trying to be discreet about it which is a good thing some men out there just do not care and will even make comments with their wife right there.

I say let it go,BUT you have to do what you feel is best for you if this is gonna continue to bother you then you should have a heart to heart with him if possible

 
Old 01-16-2006, 03:29 AM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 1,589
GirlHarley HB User
Re: Advice/Opinion on husband in denial

Alittle (hard) pinch each time you see him looking at other woman will bring him back to remembering you are with him.

Most men do look at other woman, some make it very obvoious and some don't. Some get caught (by us ladies) and some don't notice.

I agree I wouldn't make a big issue out of it or get bad that he won't admit it to you, he doesn't have to - You have seen it for yourself. If it makes you uncomfortable: try that PINCH.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 08:33 AM   #8
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,105
tnmomofive HB User
Re: Advice/Opinion on husband in denial

lol I like the "pinch" idea Girl..........I may try this with mine in the future

 
Old 01-16-2006, 09:00 AM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 900
Music4All HB User
Re: Advice/Opinion on husband in denial

I have been in conversations with ladies, all married, in which all admit to looking at men. Why do so many men and women come here trying to identify this or that activity as uniquely a behavior of the "other" sex. Women look as much as men...if not, I have many friends that must be oddly out of the norm.

Let if go. If he is looking at such a brief glance as you say, he is as normal as normal gets. He may be denying it for reasons you know and we don't. Maybe he fears the next line of inquisition over another harmless behavior.

If you are absolutely certain he loves you and is committed to you, drop it in favor of keeping harmony and in avoidance of further pot stirring.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 09:15 AM   #10
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Oxford, UK
Posts: 1,155
ErimusValidus HB User
Re: Advice/Opinion on husband in denial

Your problem's not your husband looking at other women, trust me. It's ten times worse when it's your dad who can't keep his eyes in his sockets (around girls that are my age)

But in all seriousness, I'd just forget about it. Sure, he likes to pretend that he's different - he doesn't look because you're all he wants - which isn't true because it's instinctive for a man to gaze at a beautiful woman (except, I have a personal rule that I always make sure she's checked me out before I've been seen to check her out!!). He's just being defensive when you accuse him of lying. It's not really lying, is it - like you say, it's denial. Judging by many of the problems discussed on this board I would say you are lucky
__________________
I have spread my dreams under your feet; tread softly because you tread on my dreams...

 
Old 01-16-2006, 09:20 AM   #11
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 1,413
cookiepls HB User
Re: Advice/Opinion on husband in denial

I agree, just let it go. We can't help but notice beautiful people. We notice not so beautiful people too. Everyone looks at others, married or not. The men look, and we look too. It only becomes offensive if the looking becomes staring or oggling. I understand that the issue you have is his lying about it. He's not ogglong or leering at women, but he knows he can't avoid seeing them. He'd have to walk around with his head down, staring at his feet to avoid it. Maybe he's just decided that it's easier to deny it rather than deal with the possible outcome of admitting it. Sounds like he's afraid you might become jealous if he admits it. I'm not saying you're behaving in that way, but he might be viewing it otherwise. Some of his past girlfriends might have had a real jealous streak. Know what I mean?

 
Old 01-16-2006, 09:32 AM   #12
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,566
Hiya HB User
Re: Advice/Opinion on husband in denial

Quote:
Originally Posted by GirlHarley
Alittle (hard) pinch each time you see him looking at other woman will bring him back to remembering you are with him.
This isn't such a bad idea! This reminds me of the story Gearoge Burns told about his wife Gracie Allen. He walked through a door ahead of her and didn't hold it open and she kicked him in the shin as hard as she could and said "I guess that's the last time you'll forget to hold the door open for me." Yipes! But he was crazy aobuther and stayed married to her till her dying day!

But seriously, I would be inclined to let it go. Be thankful all he does is look! My ex boyfriend and I were at a picnic with friends and there was a Budweiser Beer model walking around the park drumming up business for Bud, and she strutted by, and his eyes popped out, his tongue hung out, and he said "oh my God, where did THAT come from??" And he got angry with me for feeling disrespected. It's only natural to look, I guess it just depends on the degree you're comfortable with, and if you can reach a compromise.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 10:36 AM   #13
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: California, CA, USA
Posts: 1,117
Destea HB User
Re: Advice/Opinion on husband in denial

It's pretty clear you don't care about the looking, and if you're right about how you approach pointing it out to him (in a playful, light hearted matter as opposed to an accusation) then I don't really see why he gets so defensive. It'd bug me if someone lied right to my face when I totally just busted them.

You've said you realize this is normal behavior and that it doesn't bug you, which is awesome, plenty of women wouldn't even feel that comfortable with it (myself included, even though I don't bag on my guy it DOES get under my skin once in a while, despite the fact that he isn't an oogler).

If he can't handle a little tease like a man... I dunno, that'd bug me. Are you're sure your tone is light? Maybe he hears it more like an accusation than just teasing... either way, it is kind of a silly thing to argue about - but we all have things like this in our relationship

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
need some advice "please" vixon Health Insurance Issues 17 12-01-2011 03:56 AM
Mom with MS and baby with CF needs advice CFMomwithMS Cystic Fibrosis 2 04-27-2010 11:05 AM
In Desparate Need Of Advice Vicky67 Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia 16 05-26-2009 10:58 AM
Husband is Ultra - Rapid Cycling again BAD BAD BAD MKalkwarf Family & Friends of the Mentally Ill 3 08-16-2007 07:46 PM
New user; Need advice on how to cope with husband and bp steflou Family & Friends of the Mentally Ill 7 08-11-2007 10:09 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (271), rosequartz (251), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (155), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (95), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1164), MSJayhawk (999), Apollo123 (898), Titchou (833), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (758), ladybud (747), sammy64 (667), midwest1 (665), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:07 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!