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Old 01-15-2006, 06:53 PM   #1
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Angry The Women at BF's work...

I'm having a bit of a problem with my BF's habits at work. I used to have open access to his work email due to some mistakes on his part (I found out he was contacting other girls my age and "forgetting" to mention his girlfriend... one even gave him her address!!!) So I was allowed to "check up" on him when I felt the urge so that I could see for myself that he got that behavior out of his system. Well recently I noticed many emails to females at his work, most very common.. hi how are you, that sort of thing. But there are a few that really spark my interest... he'll talk with them about their living situations, they're marital status, etc. in a way that seems just conversational.. There was one email where a woman asked about his living situation, and he responded "I live with my gf, sorry to dissapoint you!"

I know it's probably nothing, maybe a little bit of flirting that he can't help.. but I just don't think he needs to be talking to women at work like that, especially when he's in a supervisor-type position. I know, personally, I would be very uncomfortable if my supervisor had done this to me. One girl emailed him saying "I don't think you're girlfriend appreciates you talking to strange girls." And I pointed that out to him, because I don't! He says I'm overreacting, that he's just trying to be friendly. I also see several emails from women that are outright flirtatious towards him, saying "I've seen you around the office.. you're just a player" etc etc... it makes me very, very concerned about how he behaves at work.

I brought up my concerns with him very calmly and explained why I didn't like what was going on. He basically ignored my opinions and said I was accusing him of things that just weren't true... and then the next day at work he changed his password and told me he was done letting me see his emails. Now I have no way of knowing if he's continuing his behavior or not, and it's very nerve-wracking for me. I hate to seem like a spy, but I never get an honest response from him otherwise! Please give some advice... i'm just so paranoid right now with our relationship in kind of a rut...
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Old 01-15-2006, 07:11 PM   #2
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Re: The Women at BF's work...

If he won"t respect you, What are you getting in this relationship?

 
Old 01-15-2006, 07:12 PM   #3
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jessica129 HB User
Re: The Women at BF's work...

It might just be 'harmless' flirting, but there's absolutely no way i'd put up with that...why should he even be flirting if he has a girlfriend already? I think it's okay to have girls that are friends but there's a very fine line and it sounds like he's crossing it. If he's saying you're reading too much into it, ask him how he'd feel if you did the same with your male coworkers. The fact that he changed his password is a little strange. Sounds a little cliche, but if you can't trust someone, there really is no chance of a relationship. Don't make yourself think you're the one in the wrong in this situation, you have every right to be suspicious.

 
Old 01-15-2006, 07:23 PM   #4
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Re: The Women at BF's work...

It wouldn't even be this bad if he would just say "Oh, i guess i did overstep my bounds, I'll keep it under control" or even if he would ADMIT that I have reasons to be concerned, but as soon as I mention it, he slams shut like a trap and says I'm wrong, he's not doing anything, I just can't trust him etc. He's admitted once that if I were talking to ANY men like that, he would be very uncomfortable with it, so I don't understand his double standard. I told him today that if he needs to be this sneaky about what's going on at work, he's just proving himself untrustworthy and maybe we need to start re-evaluating our relationship and he just said we'd discuss it later. I'm not letting him just shove my feelings aside because I want to stop this behavior before it escalates.

I've also threatened to contact one woman who he contacted exclusively for some time.. but he FREAKED when I did. He begged me not to, saying she could report him and he could lose his job for giving out her email, so I said I wouldn't, but if I don't get answers from him, where else am I supposed to go?
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Old 01-15-2006, 08:22 PM   #5
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Re: The Women at BF's work...

Maybe your BF hasnt done anything other than flirt YET. I say yet, because he is definately saying that he is open to more than just friendship with these women. And the fact that he promptly changed his password shows that he is trying to hide something. He is not as commited to this realtionship as you are and is leaving the playing field open for options. Read some infidelity books or even go online and check out some infidelity sites and you will see that the workplace is the biggest threat to relationships. And with technology what it is today, the interenet, email, chat rooms, message boards, online dating services, and cell phones...all make it that much easier to get away with cheating. Talk to your BF and set some boundaries. If he is willing to cross those boundaries then he must suffer the consequences. It is better to find out now if he is a cheat than to invest further in the relationship and be hurt even more. But if he respects those boundaries then you know that he respects you and the relationship.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 03:21 AM   #6
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GirlHarley HB User
Re: The Women at BF's work...

Why isn't he sending Emails to you?

I wouldn't appreicate Office Flirting via email either as you say, it's on a personal level not work related.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 06:30 AM   #7
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Re: The Women at BF's work...

You don't trust him and he doesn't trust you. That's the bottom line. And if you can't trust each other, then why are you with him?

 
Old 01-16-2006, 08:48 AM   #8
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Re: The Women at BF's work...

Looking at this from his work perpective, you might want to let him know that a lot of companies routinely monitor work e-mail accounts looking for people who are using them for personal mail and may choose to terminate employees found using accounts for personal matters. Just a heads up.

wb

 
Old 01-16-2006, 09:01 AM   #9
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Re: The Women at BF's work...

It really sounds like you don't trust this guy at all. What are you getting out of this relationship? If someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat, and no amount of email monitoring or worrying about it will change that. I have no idea what your BF is up to, but it sounds like he could cheat. On the other hand, maybe he is just harmlessly flirting. Short of catching him in the act, there really is no way to know unfortunately. I think you need to figure out if you can live like this...living with constant suspicion and worry is no way to live. I would say either try to trust him and relax abut it a bit, or else end it. You really have no other choice short of driving yourself crazy with constant doubts, and that must get tiring after a while. I think just the fact that you felt the need to monitor his emails speaks volumes...take care

 
Old 01-16-2006, 10:16 AM   #10
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Re: The Women at BF's work...

i would be less concerned about what the e-mails say than the fact that you feel the need to read them. it strikes me as very odd that the solution to the original problem of his e-mailing other women was for you to monitor his e-mail. you are not his mother, or his boss. you're his girlfriend, which means you should be in an equal partnership built on trust. if you don't like what he's doing, end it, because there is no way you can keep a 24-hour watch on him for the rest of his life. and a mature guy interested in a real relationship wouldn't want you to.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 11:49 AM   #11
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Re: The Women at BF's work...

Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone you have to check on????? Doesn't sound healthy to me. There's no trust.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 02:37 PM   #12
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Re: The Women at BF's work...

Quote:
it strikes me as very odd that the solution to the original problem of his e-mailing other women was for you to monitor his e-mail. you are not his mother, or his boss. you're his girlfriend, which means you should be in an equal partnership built on trust. if you don't like what he's doing, end it, because there is no way you can keep a 24-hour watch on him for the rest of his life. and a mature guy interested in a real relationship wouldn't want you to.
Yes, precisely, that needs to be repeated. What kind of relationship is it where you have to keep a constant watch over his activities just to make sure nothing fishy is going on? You're acting like a CIA agent keeping tabs on a foreign minister's e-mails. This whole thing is not worth the stress. Wow, I wish I had a job where I could spend all day churning out flirty e-mails to my co-workers. It is even creepier that he is their supervisor. Not very mature, this one.

 
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