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Old 01-16-2006, 09:52 AM   #1
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Feeling guilty: do you think his ex will try to cause trouble?

Hi guys, I need help please. I did something that I am not sure is the right thing to do, and I would love to hear your opinions about that.
Well, my bf's ex is coming over AGAIN to his dad's birthday, and he has to see them both there. To those who don't know my story, his ex is VERY manipulative and disrespectful to me, and she always twists his arm (or so he says) by his son.

I didn't know how to make this woman realise that she is not as important as she thinks of herself except by doing that: I emailed my BF the following message, and blind copied her in. Please read the message and let me know what you think.

"Babe, I want you to understand that I have no objections/conditions to you seeing your son in February. you don't have to apologise for ringing in the New Year or anytime either. You don't have to buy me chains and bracelates when you buy him presents. It is NOT a competition. If we decide to have a child, I would always want you to spoil him/her (although now I am only worried about giving birth to my first baby, my PhD , laboring too much though, smile). Your love for Joe makes me love you more.

Please please don't think that you have to choose between me and him.

I actually hate all this drama that some people try to create about this issue. I understand your frustration when you are always told that he doesn't want to speak to you....It should be the most natural thing for you in the world to do. But please Dave don't overblame yourself and don't let your frustrations lead you to destruction and self-hurt.

Please Dave be reassured that I will always be there for you, and stop worrying about losing me or him. It's not like that. I want you to enjoy your dad's birthday too. Your dad is a great man who deserves to be unconditionally happy.

BTW who is the rascal here? Who took my cigarettes this morning? I was desperate for one!

XXXX
Nina"

Last edited by Nina000; 01-16-2006 at 09:57 AM.

 
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Old 01-16-2006, 09:58 AM   #2
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susieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB Usersusieq0726 HB User
Re: Feeling guilty: do you think his ex will try to cause trouble?

Yes - I think she will. If she's everything you say she is, she will definately bring this up and start something.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 10:07 AM   #3
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Re: Feeling guilty: do you think his ex will try to cause trouble?

Hey Nina - I wish I had some good advice to give you. But this situation is one of the very very few good things about my never having had a real boyfriend all my life. In situations like these, since he seems to give into his ex because of their son, and she is devious and manipulative and cannot be dealt with directly, you have to resort to some underhanded tactics to make your life with him and her more liveable. I just dont' know how you would go about it. I owuld just suggest keepign your boyfriend out of it, it's between you and his ex. Will he be able to tell that you blind copied her? If he gives you grief for it, just bat your eyes and tell him it was an accident, you didnt' mean to send it to her, and how silly and foolish you were for making such a silly mistake.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 10:19 AM   #4
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Re: Feeling guilty: do you think his ex will try to cause trouble?

Being a man who is in Dave"s postion (married). He needs to develope a backbone and realize, that sometimes the only person who will benefit, is his ex. It"s time for him to cut the ties that bind.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 10:24 AM   #5
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Re: Feeling guilty: do you think his ex will try to cause trouble?

it's weird to me that you ask if she'll try to cause trouble when you just sent a very obviously incendiary e-mail. why is this even being dealt with via e-mail to start with? i don't know your entire history with this woman, but if you're with your boyfriend now and you love him, it seems worth it to ignore her. i realize it's difficult when there is a child involved, but isn't that all the more reason to conduct yourself in as adult a manner as possible?

i'm not saying you should feel guilty, because guilt never solves anything. what's done is done. but maybe it's best to consider letting stuff go in the future, and not giving the woman anything else to hold against your boyfriend or you. right now, you're just fueling the fire, and giving her ammunition to use in her case against you, if in fact she has one.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 10:30 AM   #6
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Re: Feeling guilty: do you think his ex will try to cause trouble?

Nina, why is his EX invited to your boyfriend's dad's birthday and you are not?? Nina, I honestly think you are being too nice and patient through all this. This woman would never have so much power in his life if he didn't let her.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 11:13 AM   #7
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Re: Feeling guilty: do you think his ex will try to cause trouble?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
Nina, why is his EX invited to your boyfriend's dad's birthday and you are not?? Nina, I honestly think you are being too nice and patient through all this. This woman would never have so much power in his life if he didn't let her.
I think maybe some men are just sort of wimpy and hate confrontation, or they dont' want to be bothered, thinking "all that nonsense is between the two of you, leave me out of it." I don't if there's any way to force him to step up and lay down the law and say "hey, you're the mother of my kid, but we're not a couple anymore, I'm with so-and-so now, and this is how it's going to be from now on....blah blah." I have very little real life experience on which to draw, but I keep thinking about that movie Stepmom where Susan Sarandon was the bitter ex and Julia Roberts was the new girl, and Ed Harris was just out of it, didn't want to be bothered. Julia was nice enough to ask Susan if she could take the teen girl to a concern, and Susan told her no, absolutely not, can't believe you'd want to on a school night, blah blah, then she turned around and took the girl to the concert herself.
When someone is dead set on deviously undermining like that, and no one else wants to get involved, I'm not sure what you can do other than either just stand it as best you can, or fight fire with fire. But I'm sure there must be second wifers or girlfriends of divorced men out there who can share?

 
Old 01-16-2006, 11:57 AM   #8
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Re: Feeling guilty: do you think his ex will try to cause trouble?

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. Yes Sophia I too think that I am too patient!
Hiya, I wish I don't have to use any tactics but like you said he doesn't want confrontations, neither do I. However, I get overloaded sometimes. I feel really on the edge. Opielonghorn, I emailed because she initiated contact by email, and this is the only way that I can convey my view to her too. I want her to understand that she's not THAT IMPORTANT without having to talk to her directly. The reason why I emailed is because she believes that I don't know and that she's arranged secretly to meet him. She also thinks that I am dying of jealousy for not having my own child that she even emailed me suggesting that I have one (this is why I said what I said about my PhD). He told me but it didn't make me feel any better. I want her to understand that I know and that I am not bothered and that SHE won't be able to break us up, although we might end up apart. I just feel hurt SO much that I can't keep quiet. I hate causing him any pain but I am going through the pain of imagining him with her and her son on days out without me!!!! It's unfair. And he's so weak. He hasn't seen him for 5 years!!!! And now this a******* is suddely so keen.
I feel physically ill having to accept her as part of his life, she even sent him emails with intimate content!!!
I don't have to compete with any woman--this is his opinion, but he did nothing to make me feel secure. I want her to know that I am not in the dark.

I am not invited because his mum doesn't want to provoke her by seeing me!!!!

 
Old 01-16-2006, 12:35 PM   #9
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Re: Feeling guilty: do you think his ex will try to cause trouble?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
I honestly think you are being too nice and patient through all this. .
I don't think this is patience.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 01:03 PM   #10
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Re: Feeling guilty: do you think his ex will try to cause trouble?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Music4All
I don't think this is patience.
Why not Music, how far should I compromise before I am considered patient?

 
Old 01-16-2006, 01:05 PM   #11
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Re: Feeling guilty: do you think his ex will try to cause trouble?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nina000
I want her to understand that I know and that I am not bothered and that SHE won't be able to break us up, although we might end up apart.
wouldn't the best way to let her know that it doesn't bother you be to not let it bother you, i.e., not respond to her? i know it's hard, but i think it seems like everything does in fact bother you if you keep responding this way.

i think you summed it up best- it isn't fair. but few things are in life, unfortunately. he has a child with this woman. it's up to him to straighten out his relationship with her, and it's up to you both as a couple to discuss how it affects your present relationship. your contact with her should be minimal and polite at best. family events are going to keep happening. his son isn't going to just disappear, nor is the woman.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 01:52 PM   #12
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Re: Feeling guilty: do you think his ex will try to cause trouble?

Well, I think you SHOULD go to his dad's birthday. If she is in fact not as important as you are, which should be the case, then YOU should be at the birthday party. I personally would go. You are engaged to this man, correct? As his fiance, you have the right to accompany him to this family event. I'm afraid your fiance IS allowing this woman to have a more important place in his family than you do. And that is not right.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 02:59 PM   #13
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Re: Feeling guilty: do you think his ex will try to cause trouble?

Why are you engaged to a man with no consideration for you? Many ex"s have a child. Doesn"t mean everyone they date afterwards is second rate.
You will be treated badly as long as you continue to put up with this nonsense. Personally, I would have never been able to get married if I treated the women I dated, after my relationship with my child"s mother ended, as your Bf treats you.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 03:40 PM   #14
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Re: Feeling guilty: do you think his ex will try to cause trouble?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bluegreeneyeguy
Why are you engaged to a man with no consideration for you? Many ex"s have a child. Doesn"t mean everyone they date afterwards is second rate.
You will be treated badly as long as you continue to put up with this nonsense. Personally, I would have never been able to get married if I treated the women I dated, after my relationship with my child"s mother ended, as your Bf treats you.
It's true, Nina is putting up with so much. It's all because she's a gentle, loving person, but I think her fiance is not treating her as the priority she should be in his life at this point. It's such an insult that Nina is not invited to all these family functions, while the EX is. I am getting mad just thinking about it.

 
Old 01-16-2006, 04:15 PM   #15
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Re: Feeling guilty: do you think his ex will try to cause trouble?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nina000
Why not Music, how far should I compromise before I am considered patient?
I think you have shown yourself to be kind and patient and understanding. But I think you are doing what you are doing largely out of personally compelling needs and issues. Your bf and his ex have demonstrated more than enough flags and examples of why pursuing him and the relationship to the long term goal of a happy and contented ending is problematic. Patience is reasonable when it is clear that patience is the ingredient necessary to right the ship. I think if your personal situation were different, patience would give way to reason and rational thinking.

I am not disparaging you. I know you have put up with much. But is it patience that makes a woman wait for a man and relationship that shows the number of problems this one has, or is it something else?

 
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