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Old 01-16-2006, 06:21 PM   #1
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 497
rubato HB User
Help! I said the D word!

My husband of 15 years and I got into a fight 2 nights ago. I made him leave the house and said I wanted a divorce. Here's the thing though, I'm not sure I do. I still love him but he drives me crazy. We have a very volatile relationship and always have, but only one other time have we thought divorce. We have a 6 year old son, and right now, I'm a stay at home mom about to start school on Wednesday to become a personal trainer. I don't even know what I'm thinking right now. My husband still loves me but I don't think he likes me anymore if you know what I mean. I think the key is that we've lost respect for each other. I met this man when I was 19 and it's the only real relationship I've ever had. We both fell hard. We've had such a strong bond and such a passionate love for each other, that it's hard to believe this is how we are ending up. I don't know if I want to stay with him because I love him or because I'm afraid of life on my own. I don't want to hurt him and I worry so much about my son. I guess I'm just ranting, but I don't have anyone to talk to about this. If anyone has any advice on how to get through these confusing times, I would certainly appreciate it. Thanks.

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Old 01-17-2006, 04:58 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 3,336
Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Help! I said the D word!

My brother and his wife got married at age 19 and they have had 4 kids and MANY times like yours.
I think the thing is that they are just too stubborn to actually divorce. They took those vows (for better OR for worse) and by god they're not going to give it up.
If it helps at all they've been married 31 years now.
Their youngest is a senior in high school and although no one knows what will happen once the kids are all out of the house I have a feeling that the attention to the
Commitment they gave each other will continue. (Along with a few rip-roaring arguments along the way!)

So what if he doesn't like you right now or you're not too sure the love is what it should be. You're married, and time has a way of acting like a pendulum where things will get better.
My husband and I have only been married 16 years. We actually swore an oath to each other that we would never use the "D" word - Sometimes saying makes it easier to say the next time things hit a rough patch.

Have you thought about apologizing for talking about divorce? I read a book where a couple that was having problems had to do 3 nice things for their partner everyday. Even if the other person wasn't doing them. Just doing something little, or having something little, done for each other is a real changing thing...

My heart goes out to you because I sense alot of sadness between the lines you've written. And while love, respect, and all of that is important in a marriage - the truth is that it still comes down to one thing when abuse or addictions are not involved:

Do you have the stubborn grit to make it through this period of your marriage?
Everything else is fixable or gets better with time.

(you've got a ton of support here - welcome)

Old 01-17-2006, 05:49 AM   #3
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 497
rubato HB User
Re: Help! I said the D word!

Thank you so much! I once heard someone say that the reason their marriage worked is that they never say anything negative to their spouse. At the time I thought "wow, what a great idea" and tried to put it into practice. Let's just say that it didn't work out. But, to say 3 nice things a day is a lot easier. Yes, I am sad. I was up all night thinking, and I don't want to lose this. We did marry for better or worse, and so what if it's worse right now? He's the only person in the world who would put up with me and vice versa. He's living on his boat right now but has to come by Wednesday to watch our son while I go to school, so I'll start there and see if I can make progress with him. He's VERY stubborn, so we'll see how it goes.

Thanks again for the advice. Wish me luck!

Old 01-17-2006, 06:22 AM   #4
Join Date: May 2004
Location: New York
Posts: 5,813
goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: Help! I said the D word!

Rubato ~ I must say "hats off" to Ruth's advice I am behind her 100% in the fact that unless there is abuse or addiction involved, everything is fixable so long as love, comittment and honoring those vows is concerned!! I say this because I am living proof of that.

Not too long ago I came here after 16 years of marriage thinking that there was nothing that I could do to fix it. Well guess what....I was wrong!!! With the wonderful support & caring people here....I was given a second chance and am so grateful for that. I came here in my darkest moment feeling as if I were sucked up in a tornado about to lose the most precious thing in my life, my marriage. I was blessed with some wonderful people here who I know God placed in my life to show me the way home. And with their patience and caring, they showed me the way to get there. It took alot of trust & love on my part and a deep wanting and openness as well in order to make the changes necessary to rebuild what me & my husband had lost over the years. And I know, that with a little bit of work on your part, you will be able to do the same.

Start by looking deep within yourself and do what you can do to tend the garden that you and your husband have grown together. You have 15 years together, as I did, and in that time I am sure that you & your husand have allowed the weeds to take over your garden. It's not too late....with enough love and committment you can work on pulling those weeds out and restoring the beauty that was once there. Become the sunshine in your relationship...way too often we become windy with complaint, taking for granted the things we are to one another. Men respond well to warmth, like the sunshine they only want to get closer. But when we are windy, they gather their coat together to get away and often retreat or find shelter away from it. Learn to be the sunshine again...that which your husband wants to only be closer to. I learned this here with the help of many friends and I want to share it with you as well.

Most of all...when you make these little changes within yourself, you will see your husband respond favorably and start making the changes within himself too.

We live in a time & age where too often people give up on something that involves deep love and committment and simple maintenance in order to work and thrive. We are caught up in the "mindset" today, whether it be in terms of something we buy or marry....that when it breaks well instead of taking the time to fix it, discard of it and move on...only to see that eventually it all breaks down until we realize that we can fix it and sustain it with a little effort on our part.

It is time to restore your garden and rid it of the weeds that have over grown to take away from it's true beauty. With enough love & commtittment, you can revive what is most precious to you, as I learned to do. I thought it was all due to the support I got here...but a very precious friend told me that it was my deep love & commitment in wanting to keep something so precious that allowed me to find my way home.

I think you can only have to want it enough, to actually make it happen.

((((HUGS)))) ~Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 01-17-2006 at 06:35 AM.

Old 01-17-2006, 10:43 AM   #5
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 497
rubato HB User
Re: Help! I said the D word!

Thank you for your suggestions. It's nice to hear that you guys have faith in the institution of marriage. I am a firm believer in "for better or worse". It just seems sometimes that worse is the norm. I am doing a lot of soul searching and am going to do everything in my power to make it work. I just hope he sees my effort and will stick it out with me. I said a lot of hurtful things to him and don't know if he will forgive me. All I can do is try right?

Old 01-19-2006, 05:43 AM   #6
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 497
rubato HB User
Re: Help! I said the D word!

I just wanted to give an update on my situation. My hubby came home last night and we've decided to work it out! I'm so happy! Thanks for the great advice given. I really appreciate it. I just needed some support but couldn't talk to friends and family because I didn't want them to know. This is such a great support group! Thanks again!

Old 01-19-2006, 07:05 AM   #7
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 3,336
Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Help! I said the D word!

Now of course, the hard thing is doing those 3 nice things a day from now on!! A neck rub, a compliment about something he does, appreciation when he walks in the door, etc.

And a big pat on the back for not dragging friends and family into the personal situation btwn your husband and you!
So many times a couple reconciles and things never get back the way they were between in-laws because while you may be forgiven and forgotten, family may not be able to...

Coming here can be a wonderful sorting out process - finding ways of looking at things that you'd never find on our own.
Keep me posted on how things go cause we both know that it never happens overnight!

Last edited by Ruth6:11; 01-19-2006 at 07:06 AM.

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