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Old 01-16-2006, 11:58 PM   #1
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lady346 HB User
I broke down

Oh my god. I feel so weak.
I got a little drunk tonight with my friends.
As of around 2:30 this morning, I figured I was 'too drunk to care' about my ex's fac***** account and decided to check it to see what he was up to.
Horrible idea. I ended up seeing 25+ pics of him all around the city, and at least 4 of them were of him were right next to this girl that he swore was 'platonic' near the end of our relationship. Some were just him and her. He said he wasnt into her, I just had this gut feeling otherwise.
Now, when we were 'madly in love', he never put pics of us two up on his account. So something tells me it might just show them as friends. People change, though, of course. He did, majorly, when he ended our relationship.
I emailed him (I KNOW) asking him if he was dating anyone. I just want to know. Especially re: her, since she is in his same program and all.
I feel so weak. And pathetic. And Im letting him know I am thinking of him. I am just crying hysterically and I dont know how to make it go away, this feeling of being replaced.

Last edited by lady346; 01-17-2006 at 01:12 AM.

 
Old 01-17-2006, 01:01 AM   #2
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Re: I broke down

Aww..I am soo sorry to hear what you are going through. Unfortunatly I can relate, there were a couple fo times after my ex and i broke up that I broke down and cried and cried and flipped out. Dont beat yourself up over it. Feeling replaced is a horrible feeling, especially when they break up with us because they dont have time, or they cant be the person we need them to be..then all of a sudden they are with someone else. It's the worst blow to the self esteem ever. But we have to be strong and think of it as their loss, obviously not ours.
I am sorry, but you are going to be okay..takes time
Trust me I would kill for a potion that I could take and be over my ex.lol
cheer up sweetheart, hang tough
hugs

 
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Old 01-17-2006, 01:08 AM   #3
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Re: I broke down

Well my friend came over at 3 am (such good friends) and hugged me and consoled me as I cried hysterically. She assured me that it DOES look a little skeptical, but reminded me that I have friends with guys that may look as incriminating as his pictures do. The issue with his pics are 1) he is the Dumper so it makes more sense for him to jump into a relationship. 2) they were taken very recently 3) he moved here mostly to be with ME, so he said, and now he looks very happy with his new dental school friends and WITHOUT ME and 4) he told me he had no time for me, the reason we broke up, and he is all over them all of a sudden and seems to have free time, and is especially in pictures with this one girl (a friend in his group).
I feel awful, to the point where I wish I could take something to rid the pain forever (I know that sounds horrible and neurotic, but you know what I mean). I want this to go away. I should never check his account again, I just had a huge moment of weakness. I just feel like sometimes I can find out the truth and what hes been doing that way. I regret emailing him but now at least I can see if he will tell me the truth. If hes dating this girl.

Last edited by lady346; 01-17-2006 at 05:14 AM.

 
Old 01-17-2006, 05:21 AM   #4
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Re: I broke down

I just woke up now and feel extremely pathetic aout this. Of course now I have more mental 'clarity' (aka, sobriety). I feel like ive taken steps back again. I do want to know his situation but I cant believe I broke down the way that I did. I didnt want him to see how much Im still hurting.

 
Old 01-17-2006, 05:35 AM   #5
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charlatans HB User
Re: I broke down

hi city girl
i can understand what youre going through
i dont know what id do if i saw a picture of my ex with another girl, the thought is unbearable
are you over him yet? how havve you coped with all this?
at least you dont have yourself to blame for this breakup.

 
Old 01-17-2006, 06:55 AM   #6
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Re: I broke down

cg, it's absolutely okay that you had a weak moment. the worst thing you could do right now is put even more pressure on yourself by hating that you did that. it's done, and you can't change it, but what you can change is what you do in the future. we all have weak moments. let him think what he wants about it.

i did the same exact thing as you- i asked my ex's friend if my ex was dating someone. which i'm sure was reported right back to the ex. i also checked a website of one of his friends regularly, hoping that i'd see photos or have an idea of what my ex was doing. it's perfectly natural that you would be curious. you spent the past couple of years knowing someone's every move- of course your brain is having trouble getting around the idea that you no longer know what he's doing. cut yourself some slack.

you really can't assume anything from those photos, and even if what you assume is true, it doesn't matter now. he wasn't giving you what you needed. right now you only have to worry about you. you are going to make the next few months or the next year matter so that when you see him again, you are so strong and happy and wonderful. i know you have been doing everything you can. just keep it going, and you will feel better soon. you really, really will.

Last edited by opielonghorn; 01-17-2006 at 06:56 AM.

 
Old 01-17-2006, 07:51 AM   #7
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Re: I broke down

ive been on here for most of today reading through posts.
mine and yours situation is almost the same.
please tell me how you can feel slightly better, city girl.
i cant stop crying. i cant stop this feeling. im going through exactly the same as you.

 
Old 01-17-2006, 08:59 AM   #8
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Re: I broke down

Healing from a relationship that has ended is hard enough all by itself.
I would have to tell you that you're really inflicting more pain on yourself by forgetting about the "EX" part of the boyfriend.

It truly doesn't matter what he does, who he goes out with, whether he thinks of you or not - unless you just want to ratchet up the pain scale a little more than it already is.

How can I throw this advice around? Been there, done that as they say.
I practically turned into a stalker over a guy that I knew was the ONLY man I would ever love. I drove by where he worked. I called. I obsessed over every rumor of who he was seeing. I thought of literally nothing but him. It consumed my life.

Until it happens you won't believe me, but you WILL love this way again. Or, to put it more correctly you WILL love someone else in a completely different but no less wonderful way. Seems Impossible right now?
Somewhat similar to the way a parent can love each of their children totally without taking any love away from the others.

And I'm not kidding here - until you've healed a bit I'd lay off the alcohol altogether. It'll make it a little easier to say "no" to yourself before doing something silly because your inhibitions have been lessoned!!

 
Old 01-17-2006, 09:03 AM   #9
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Re: I broke down

CG--it's totally okay that you did this. In fact, it's normal. I did way worse, trust me. Put it in the past. BTW, I think it's healthy and normal to cry and scream and punch your pillow. You'll wake up one morning and it will be a little less painful, then another day, less pain. I realize all of these words mean very little when you are going though it. What is boils down to is letting time do its thing and letting go. I was a mess until I finally let go. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Hang in there!

 
Old 01-17-2006, 09:05 AM   #10
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Re: I broke down

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
How can I throw this advice around? Been there, done that as they say.I practically turned into a stalker over a guy that I knew was the ONLY man I would ever love. I drove by where he worked. I called. I obsessed over every rumor of who he was seeing. I thought of literally nothing but him. It consumed my life.
Ditto! Did the same thing. I was the walking dead for about a year. What you are feeling is normal. You will get through this.

 
Old 01-17-2006, 09:14 AM   #11
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Hiya HB User
Re: I broke down

Gosh, I'm sorry to hear two ladies feeling so badly. I've been there, I know it hurts, but Opie's right, it's only natural to slide back or have a "weak" moment. We've all had them. Not too long after my break up, I was actually feeling pretty good, feeling that things were going the way they should be going, and if my ex and I were to stay separated, it was for the best, and if it was meant to be that we would ever get back together, we would, and I didn't worry about it. Then one day I walked into a club to see one of my favorite local bands and the first thing I saw when I walked through the door was my ex all comfy cozy in a booth with some woman stuck to him like glue (after he had always told me he hated to see couples with a whole seat or booth to themselves and sitting right next to each other, it was "so high school!") It bothered me but it didn't hit home till the next night when I went out to another place to do karaoke and someone sang a song that reminded me of him. I came home and cried and felt like my whole world had crashed down. It just takes some time. It sucks, I know, to feel this way, especially when you know he isn't, but it's only natural. It's part ofthe dating scene to have relationships fail, to get hurt. all I can say is to busy yourself with as many things as you can that have nothing at all to do with him. Hang in there.

 
Old 01-17-2006, 11:02 AM   #12
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raaaaaaaaaar HB User
Re: I broke down

Hi citygirl

Sorry you're having a bad patch Don't worry or beat yourself up over it but just remember it's only a setback and you WILL get over this. You were so upset because of the shock of it and I know it seems like you have to start the grieving process again but don't worry. I went through it when I was just panicking over my ex finding someone else and then I got the text from him confirming my fears and I went into a state of panic and uncontrollable crying. It was horrible. I felt like I wanted more and more answers from him like before but when I did start asking the questions the answers were only hurting me even further.
Remember everything we said-he is such a cowardly idiot who does not deserve your love and if he is getting himself into a rebound relationship like mine is then that's his problem. He's just dealing with the feelings he has in a different way to you-but trust me YOUR WAY IS MUCH HEALTHIER! and you will be a stronger and better person for going through this pain and letting your feelings out like you have been.

Chin up
x

 
Old 01-17-2006, 12:36 PM   #13
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Re: I broke down

Hi citygril,


i am going to agree with everyone in that you had a weak moment, but we all have them, Gosh I know I have. I know exactly how you feel as I can see mines bank statement and know what he has been up to and it's killing me b/c he doing ALL these things without me, like going out to eat and to disney. I know you looked at his account but trust me people have done worse and everyone who has every been broken up with proabaly has done or tried to do something of that sort. I reallly think that mine already has a new girl"friend" but I don't know, but who would he be going to all these places with and be paying for them. I guess she really must be something if he felt that he had to break up with me after 3.25 years to be with her. But he may learn that she's not what he expected, who knows, I just don't knwo what to do anymore. Sorry, i am talking about myself when it's your thread, i just want you to know I know how you are feeling. How can guys toss away a long term relationship to be with someone new, i mean do they have no feelings? don't they have attachments? What the heck are they thinking? I'm confused, what does she have that we don't? I just dont know what to think anymore...

 
Old 01-17-2006, 01:58 PM   #14
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Re: I broke down

Thanks everyone. I came home to find that I have NOT received an email response from him, but having 10 or so replies to my post makes me feel good, despite this.
I feel like I took 12 steps back. I feel almost back where I was at the start. I know in a way its normal what I did, but I feel like a psycho. I know it was fueled by wine and my raging emotions. Im trying not to be too hard on myself. I just really let myself down and Im sick of looking so weak in front of him and pushing him farther and farther away. I guess it doesnt matter now anyway, though. Hes gone.
I know it doesnt matter if he is with someone else now, because he is my EX. I know that. I know hes free to do what he wants.
I just cant shake the fact that he was MINE and I was his for so long, and now its nothing at all. I waited for him here for a year, and then he moved here mainly for ME, and now he left me and I see all these pictures of him running around having a great time. It just feels awful.
And I cant shake my gut feeling. I had this gut feeling about this specific girl during the month where he was acting wierd. She was in his group of friends, and he seemed to hang out a lot with her (always with everyone else, never just her) even when we were still together. They studied and stuff and they were his group of friends here. He has a tight group of dental people that he met last semester in school, and I was and am happy for him in that way. I just always felt wierd about this one girl when he started treating me badly. Don't know why, just did, and that is what really gets to me. Now, all of a sudden, there are pics up of the two of them everywhere and it is really messing me up. I know i might have completely created this in my head. She could just be his friend. I have a very close group of friends, and one is male, and we have recent pictures together and hugging and stuff. However, even my one friend who came over during all this said 'it does look like they're together here. Who knows'.
I hate to obsess. I feel so weak. The reason I am torn up about it is because I wonder if thats really why he broke up with me. It would paint things in a whole new light regarding him as a person, our relationship, everything. I wonder (if hes with her), how she is any way better for him than me when we were so good together. It changes the whole story he told me for the reason we broke up. It makes me feel like an old shoe or something that he got tired of and just threw away, easy as that. Considering how religious and moral he is, if he did lie to me over this and jump into somethign THAT fast, it makes me feel ill. He always said it would look so bad for someone to move on to another person right after a serious rltsp. Can he be that hypocritical?
I know none of this really matters, I just cant get past it. Im sure he thinks im a psycho too because didnt I just cut him out? Now Im emailing again? Plus, I asked him 3 times if there was another girl, and once about this SPECIFIC girl and he said no and why would I think that?
I just cant seem to let it go. My mom says she still has a hunch that there is someone else. She said he got rid of me too fast for it to be much else, in her opinion. It doesnt help to hear that. Of course, if he left me for someone else or jumped into this, it makes me want him less. I would just feel even more rejected. I want him to mourn me like Im mourning him, esp. because I was so good to him.
I called my grad school's counseling and psych services today. My mom said that if I keep dwelling on this with my friends, they will get sick of me and I will drive them away. I dont want that to happen. I havent stalked him and I dont want to see him, but I feel like Im dealing with this horribly and pathetically. I dont want to keep doing these things. I figured Id go talk the ear off of someone who doesnt know me and see if that helps any.

Last edited by lady346; 01-17-2006 at 02:05 PM.

 
Old 01-17-2006, 02:32 PM   #15
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Re: I broke down

hey cg. listen to me: you are NOT dealing with this pathetically and horribly. you are dealing with it somewhat normally. to have gotten over it really quickly does not mean that you are emotionally stronger, necessarily. sometimes it means that you're in denial, or you're a cold person, or a variety of other not-so-great things. do you think it's an accident that everyone here is telling you that they have had the same experience? it means nothing about you and your character. my friends and family were in shock at how long i grieved for my last boyfriend (as was i) and continuously told me how out of character it seemed for me. the fact is, we cannot always control when and how someone or something is going to affect our lives to such an extent that it feels overwhelming.

the counselor is a good idea, but take your mom's words with a grain of salt. chances are, you're not going to drive your friends away. you always sound appreciative of them in your posts here, and i'm sure they realize that you'd do the same for them, however long it took.

and even though ruth is right when she says that it doesn't matter what he's doing or whom he's doing it with, i know it's hard to stop thinking about it anyway. so, for the moment, i just want you to remember one thing: this is now. maybe he is with this woman today. that doesn't mean that he will be with her next week, or next year, or tomorrow. it doesn't mean that they're having the greatest time of their lives, or that he is comparing it to what he had with you. it just means that he's making decisions that are probably not the best ones right now. HIS problem, not yours. none of this means anything in terms of what you two shared. it doesn't negate it. life doesn't work that way. that's like saying that just because you have different friends now, that the time you spent with friends you had as a child was terrible. if he did in fact break off the relationship with you to pursue someone else, i think we all know what a lousy idea that can be.

sweetie, you really cannot predict tomorrow. stop envisioning all the terrible outcomes. and stop worrying about what he thinks about you. chances are, he feels incredibly guilty and regretful. since you don't know otherwise, you can believe that for now to save your sanity. and you're not exactly stalking him and harrassing him, so i don't know that he thinks you're that psychotic.

keep writing here. we will keep writing back.

 
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