I've been with my husband for over 20 years and I have never been in love with him. I have no spark for him and never have. I married him basically to get out of the house and away from my crazy parents. He is a great man, loving husband and wonderful father. We are best friends and I can't picture my life without him. We separated for a couple of months a few years back, but got back together. I told him I wanted him back, but in reality, I didn't want to be alone. I feel like I've been living a lie for half my life. I feel completely unworthy of true happiness and really don't know what true happiness is except when I'm attracted to someone else. I would rather die than wreck my husband and son's life. I don't know where to turn. I want to live authentically. I have prayed everyday to God to let me feel the way I should about my husband. There hasn't been a week that's gone by that I haven't told him he should be with someone else. Whenever we argue (which is rare) I talk about divorce. He doesn't take me seriously when I talk like that and makes a lot of excuses for me. He is pure and he is good and if the men in this world were half the man he is....the world would be a better place. I could ask for no better father for my son and if he grows up to be at least half the man his father is....then he will be just fine. I feel completely horrible about myself and don't know what to do.
I'm going to comment on this because I was exactly like you! I want to warn you about what you are about to do! Do not lose the man that loves you for a dream or fantasy! I'm telling you this because I've been there...done THAT! I met a man that is my dream fantasy man and left my husband to be with him and now I can't get my EX husband out of my mind. I miss him SOOOOOOOOO much!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please don't make a huge mistake...not only did I wreck my husband's life...my whole family has turned against me. I never dreamed that following my heart could have affected so many people! My perfect fantasy man is not perfect...he is a wonderful man but he has problems just like everyone else...mainly an EX that's way too present in his life!!!!!
Wow, that sounds like a really tough spot. I wish I had some really great advice for you, my experience is limited in this area, but I will say this: what little experience I do have has taught me that there is a tremendous amount of truth and wisdom in the saying "you don't know what you've got till it's gone." I think you need to think long and hard about what exactly you feel is missing from your marriage, why you feel you don't love him, what are the odds that you will in fact find it with someone else, and what you will be sacrificing to go find it, and can you live with the sacrifices even if you never find the "true love" you are yearning for now? I've never been one to advocate marriage for any reason other than true love, but I think everyone has a different definition of what that is. You say you're not "in love" with your husband, yet you speak about him in such glowing terms, and have nothing but themost wonderful things to say about him. Maybe it's not the starry-eyed, pounding-heart, blood racing, gotta take each other on the dining room table kind of love, but it seems you do have love for him in some form. Only you can decide for yourself if you can be happy in the life you are living now, or if what you have now is worth the risk of something better, I would just encourage you to weigh all the pros and cons and dispassionately and objectively as you can. Although I think you must take your family into serious consideration in your decision making, it is rare that a person does another person a big favor by sacrificing their happiness and making themselves miserable for them. You only end up making two people miserable.
hi ced. one thing really struck me about your post, and that was your desire to 'live aunthentically'. is it possible that there are other things about your life that can change in order to live more authentically? is it possible that he would be encouraging of these attempts and want to join you? maybe it's something you want to try before you make any decisions.
i say this from the vantage point of knowing others who were convinced that it was the relationship that made them unhappy. then, when it was too late, they realized that it was something within themselves.
this has got to be such a heavy weight on your mind. i'm so sorry for that. good luck, whatever you decide.
Thank you all so much for your very kind and generous words of wisdom. Thank you for your sympathy and empathy. This truly is weighing on my mind. I absolutely do not want to be one of the people who say, what the hell did I do? I don't want to jump from the frying pan into the fire. I don't want any of that. I just want to feel passionately for m husband who has loved me all this time. I don't know how to turn off the feelings of wanting other men and craving some passion. I don't feel that for my husband. I wish to God I did. I know that passion isn't the end all be all in a relationship and sex to me is the icing on the cake. I get that. I just want to have sex with him. I never have. It's not like there was a spark and now there isn't. When that happens, I believe you can get the spark back. I never had a spark. I feel like I've let both of us down and secretly walk through this life with this toxic feeling every day. I want him to be happy forever and I don't want my son to suffer at all. He truly is a good man. He, of course, has his faults but they're nothing to leave him over. This is all me and I know it. I just really am at a loss. Thank you again for your words and time.
Have you ever tried playing with him? Little, secret fantasies or games, you've always wanted to play? No better person to play with then someone you can trust. There must have been things you've wanted to do or try, other personas you've wanted to be. Why put it off any longer? You said you love him, but there is no spark. Could be fun, lighthearted and relaxing, you might find the spark within yourself and make his night too. It sounds like the fact, that you aren't passionate about him, has become such a serious, painful and enveloping problem, that you can't relax enough to go with the flow and explore the possibilities. Maybe some less serious play would help.
I wish I could tell you how to make sparks fly...I just want to once again warn you of making a huge mistake of wanting something that may not exist. You may not ever find the perfect man to make sparks fly for you. Do me a favor and start reading through these relationship forums of all the problems everyone is having with their partners. Realize how lucky you are to have a good man. Start to think about what you have and not what you don't have. I want to save anyone from going through what I am not going through...I would not wish this mental termoil on my worst enemy!
I wrote a very similar thread called 'am I asking to much' on 14th Jan 06. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 1/2 years and, like you, I have never felt a spark between us. Although I love him, I am not in love with him. I try to supress these feelings but they just keep coming back. My boyfriend is such a great guy and I feel guilty about having these thoughts. I have thought about breaking up but I am scared of being alone and never finding 'Mr Right'.
Do you ever feel that life is passing you by and you are not truly living it?
It makes me feel sad that someone else is in the same boat as me. It is so difficult to know what to do. Lots of people have said to me how lucky I am to be with such a great guy, but how do you turn of the niggling feeling inside that just don't feel right. Sometimes I think you just have to follow your heart otherwise you are always thinking 'what if'. Good luck xxx
I think your problems is really tough one.But why you just realize just now that you have that feel?You last already 20yrs with him.You should already used to. By the way, why you did not break with your hubby the times you dont have a kid? If you think you want out now it is not good idea cause you will hurt not only your man but your son as well, and do you like that your man most specially your son will lose respect to you,IF you ever leave?.Let me ask you, do you have another boyfriend except your man? I might be wrong but i think the way i see it,if you only have your husband even you don't love him you will stay and focus on him and not worry much about your feel as long your man is good to you,(see you last with him 20yrs already),but if there is another person you could compare your feel and maybe attempt to back off but can't do it coz man is so good and just wait for man to make the first move?
Any way, keep you husband,i believed that his really a good man cause dispite you dont have love for him you stay and last 20yrs with him.Remember regret is always late,so think and think more in whatever you plan to....
Just sharing my opinion....
Ps, Ced, i think the problems is about intimacy & romance in this relationship.Don't leave your family or ruin your family only this two things you can get with other guy.Work this out together with you husband....
I wish you and your family all the best!!!!