Its been a while since I've written. Thought I'd write down some of my feelings here and read any advice you guys have to offer.
Lots of you helped me out over this year after my breakup with my man of 2.5 years and the disaster that was his mother. Its been such a hectic year... and its taken me a long time to come to terms with the breakup. It took me about 6 months to seriously go cold-turkey and avoid seeing him at work and trying to find excuses to contact him. I've been mucking around with a few guys, but nothing serious, and I've always broken it off pretty soon after things started. Been a bit of an Ice-Queen. I sort of want a relationship but I've been extremely picky. I suppose I'm a bit scared of starting something new and I've led a few guys on, which I'm not proud of. And I didn't think i would get into a relationship, for quite some time.
There's a new man on the scene, and this one seems different. For the first time since I broke up with my ex, I feel like I could actually really like someone, or that there's the potential there. He lives relatively close, although I don't get to see him often as we'd like, as his brother is getting married soon and he's really stressed cos he practically runs the family business and its been hectic for him lately. He's a year younger than me which is weird for me too, I usually date guys that are much older, around 28ish.
But the main problem is really stupid. He's really, really attractive.
I know, doesn't sound much like a 'problem' does it?
He used to model for Peter Alexander and a few other labels when he was a teenager, but he left when he started working full-time. He's gorgeous, and women look at him ALL THE TIME in the streets. From what I've seen of his ex's, they're absolutely drop-dead gorgeous too. Size 4 petite little blonde things etc. Fantastic for me, hey?
Now I'm by no means ugly - I've always attracted men with no problems - but I'm a good deal less-than-perfect compared to the girls he's previously dated (and lived with), and it makes me feel, for the first time in my life, really insecure and anxious. I guess I've always dated guys that have 'worshipped' me in a way (although that sounds a little contrived) and I suppose I liked feeling comfortable in that knowledge. I'm pretty stunned that I've been able to hold the attention of a guy like this new one...its been 3 weeks now. But I feel like he's got the upper hand in every way. I wouldn't have a clue if he feels the same or not. This is new to me. Is this a good thing, or a bad thing? Perhaps this is just what I needed - a bit more equality. Or perhaps this is just going to end in me getting hurt. I don't know whether to take the gamble.
I know I should be happy I've found someone like him, but I can't help feeling like I'm going to spend my days being insanely jealous of all the women looking at him, and maybe calling him, and feeling as though he'd rather be with them than me. I feel like I can't ever live up to his ex's and will only disappoint him. For the first time ever I'm considering dieting although i'm size 8 i think in US sizes, and having body image issues cos I have an athletic build and I'm tall and not petite. He seems to want a long-term relationship, and has been cheated on by his ex's in the past (and he himself claims he's never cheated) so he's totally against it and I trust he wouldn't do it to me. But I'm stressing! What should I do? I miss the security I had with my ex. And I'm scared to fall for him in a way... I don't usually fall for people...
One other thing. We met, of all places, on the internet. Ick. Soo not me. I'm a socialite and I love going out. I've got a bit of a mental block about the whole internet dating thing. So the fact that I met him there on some random chat thing feels tacky and fake to me. I'm embarrassed to tell others I met him like that. Its as if the only way I could find an attractive man was through a PC screen. I wish I'd met him at a bar or somewhere...er...natural? What are your thoughts?
Sorry for rambling