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Old 01-18-2006, 09:48 AM   #1
D31 D31 is offline
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Should I be concerned ?

My ex and I just got back together. We have just moved in together. And in the begining he could not keep his hands off me. It has been a month and ya he kisses me and tells me he loves me everyday. But when it comes to sex... I don't even bother trying anymore. he tells me he is tierd, or his head hurts..etc... Now I am in my prime I am 32 and he is 24. I dated people in between when we were not together and I have never had this problem with any other guy at all not even close. He says it is not me, he said I love you so much please don't think it is you. I feel like something is wrong with me. Like is he not attracted to me? He says he is.. but he gets in spells where he just does not feel like it. For a month ? I don't know what to think. I feel rejected when he says he is not in the mood etc... or like maybe there is something wrong with me. He is 24 .. seems odd not to be into it. What also makes me think this is I was married before and a similar situation happend with my husband, we stopped having sex for a very long time.. cause I was never in the mood. I wanted to be , but I never was. I said the same things as he did. It ended our relationship because I did not find myself attracted to him anymore. There was a 11 year age diff with us (him being older) So all the things my current b/f tells me is what I used to tell my ex husband. I am worried this is the same thing. I don't know what to do. when I try and discuss it with him, he gets all huffy and says it is not me. And end of subject... other guys find me attractive .. so why doesn't he or atleast that is how I feel.....

 
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Old 01-18-2006, 10:09 AM   #2
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Re: Should I be concerned ?

I had the same problem with my bf--we didn't have sex for half a year! I tried to start things up but would be rejected every time, even though he would tell me that he loved me. After I did a massive confrontation, though, he finally admitted that he wasn't sure if he was in love with me any more, although he did love me, and he didn't want to sleep with me because of it. Well, we're working on things now, but it's a rocky road. He does think that he was in denial about the entire thing for a long time, though, that deep down he probably knew something was wrong but he didn't want to believe it, which is why he would get defensive when I hassled him about it---because at that time he really didn't consciously think anything was wrong.

 
Old 01-18-2006, 10:10 AM   #3
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Re: Should I be concerned ?

You have a really hard situation. I'm not exactly sure what to suggest because it seems weird to me that at 24, he wouldn't want sex. My husband was a horndog at that age.

I have also had the low sex drive and it can be caused by any number of things...stress, anger, hormones, etc. It doesn't always mean that the spark is gone or that the other person is no longer attracted. Though I am sure that those can also be reasons, but from what you told us, it doesn't sound like those are his feelings.

I would sit him down and tell him what this is doing to your self esteem. Make him tell you what is wrong with him. Don't take "end of discussion" as just that. Explain to him your feelings and fears, and make him open up. It could be something simple as stress related or being tired, but it could be more, like maybe he is insecure or having "problems" with getting in the mood. Either way, these are things that you guys should be able to discuss with each other. Stress to him that not being able to communicate about things as simple as sex, can cause a lot of problems in a relationship.

I wish I had better advice, but I truly feel that you should make him open up about this, for your sake and his. Good luck.

 
Old 01-18-2006, 01:42 PM   #4
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Re: Should I be concerned ?

Well I have tried that and he gets all defensive. And then says look I love you so much .. it is not you. But it makes me think when he is so defensive that there is truth to what I am saying. I wonder .. he may love me but not be in love with me. But then I think then why would he go through all the trouble to have me move in etc... He does not like any confrontation of any kind. And when I bring it up he gets all annoyed and says I have told you so many times it is not you. Why can't you accept that? Well Cause he does notthing to find out WHAT it is if it is not me. It does a huge blow to my self esteem. I feel ugly and just like crap.... it feels awful. I know myself I am a good looking girl. Not like I am a gargoyle and belong on a church lol but still it does hurt.

 
Old 01-18-2006, 01:48 PM   #5
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Re: Should I be concerned ?

I would insist - INSIST - that he get a medical check-up.
If the physical health is ok I would also wonder if he had met someone while we were broken up and hadn't quite ended it yet. Are there any red flags out there that might have your instincts trying to speak up?
24 IS too young for a guy to go without sex if they're not celibate.

 
Old 01-19-2006, 07:13 AM   #6
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Re: Should I be concerned ?

Well we talked last night I said it is crushing my self esteem!! He said he knew and he was sorry, he said it really is not you at all. He said he is stressed out from work and he said if I did not want to be with you I would have not asked you to move in with me. I said you love me but are you in love with me? He said yes he was. He said he finds me attractive and I said well then if it is not me find out what cause it is effecting US. He said he would. And well... he had no problem last night....

 
Old 01-19-2006, 08:09 AM   #7
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Re: Should I be concerned ?

It's not necessarily true that all 24 YO guys will have a strong sex drive and want sex regularly. A lot of times in these situations, a lack of sex does indicate a problem within the relationship, but not always...some people just don't want sex as much as others, by nature or because of hormones or stress or medication side effects or any number of other possible reasons. Do your instincts tell you that everything else in the relationship is solid and that this is probably an issue which really doesn't have anything to do with you, or do you get the feeling that his lack of libido is somehow related to a problem within your relationship? His getting defensive doesn't necessarily mean anything...I can't imagine that a guy his age (also my age, and I've had numerous partners that age) wouldn't be defensive about this issue. Guys and especially young guys see their sexual prowess as inextricably linked to their masculinity and self esteem, so it's perfectly understandable that he doesn't want to discuss the issue. Still, ultimately it's up to you how to proceed...if you're happy otherwise and can deal with his lack of a sex drive, maybe you should bide your time and see if things improve. Otherwise it might be wise to ask him to see a doctor or reconsider whether this is the right partner for you...sadly, some couples just aren't compatible when it comes to their libidos. Whatever happens, I wish you well and hope everything works out for the best--good luck!

 
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