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Old 01-18-2006, 12:00 PM   #1
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Odd situations.

Well, let's see... I am adjusting to a very odd situation, right now. About eight months ago my fiance and I broke up. I decided to try not dating for a long while. However, in November I met someone. He's older than I am by ten years, and has a four month old son. I was very much surprised to find myself attracted to him when we first met, and we started seeing eachother early in December. I am quite happy in this relationship, and both he and I are hoping for something long term, at the least. I have never felt this comfortable with anyone.

I am, however, having some mild trouble adjusting to things as this is a rather odd situation for me. The son's mother and I are actually friends, but I can't help feeling a bit of jealousy towards her. I suppose that's natural, but she really is a great woman and there's no reason for me to be jealous so I feel quite guilty about it.

The little boy is wonderful. I love him to pieces. However, in general I do not get along with kids. So I am rather unsure of myself around him and, of course, my boyfriend. I have discussed this with him and he finds it amusing. I guess I'm still suffering from a mild baby-phobia, it's hard to explain.

At any rate, any help on getting over my ridiculous jealousy or anything?

 
Old 01-18-2006, 01:41 PM   #2
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Re: Odd situations.

The 4 month old will be the recipient of all the good things that can come out of the situation you describe.
What a refreshing change where the mom and the stepmom are friendly, and both of them love the child!

My best friend in the world is one of my husband's ex-girlfriends...
Was it wierd at first? Sure!
But the truth is that Mr. Ruth was fairly consistent in the type of girl he dated and she and I have lots of things in common as a result.
Do I feel threatened? Nope. They are kaputs, he married me, and she is the type of friend who would be LESS likely to ever hit on another friends husband.

I would emphasize your friendship with her rather than her past relationship to the guy you are seeing. I would bend over backwards to love the kid - and ask her questions about him, tell her a cute thing he did, etc.

What a chance for really healthy well-adjusted kid if this relationship continues!

Last edited by Ruth6:11; 01-18-2006 at 01:43 PM.

 
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Old 01-18-2006, 05:21 PM   #3
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Re: Odd situations.

I hope you don't take it the wrong way, but it just struck me as odd that a father of a 4-MONTH-old baby is already divorced or estranged from the baby's mother??? That alone would be a red flag for me. Was the pregnancy an accident between two people who were in a casual relationship? Then that in itself would also be troublesome. Maybe I misinterpreted something and the child is really 4 years, not 4 months, old. Forgive me if I did.

Last edited by SophiaM; 01-18-2006 at 05:25 PM.

 
Old 01-18-2006, 07:24 PM   #4
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Re: Odd situations.

He and the mother of the baby were not romantically involved. I'm well aware of the situation, and how completely.... unorthodox it is.

 
Old 01-18-2006, 07:56 PM   #5
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Re: Odd situations.

What was the nature of their involvement, then, if it's not too much to ask? Did she just need a sperm donor to get pregnant? Believe me, it's not a judgement on my part--I just find it a little bit unusual, that's all. How can you father a child with no romantic involvement? Usually the fathers of a 4-month old would at least try to work it out with the mom of their offspring. It would concern me if a man would be so ready to move forward at this stage. I mean, this woman was suffering great pain to give birth to this man's baby. And he's already dating someone else? No judgement on YOU. Just thinking what kind of a man would be able to do this. Regardless, if anyone should be jealous, it's this woman who gave birth to his baby. I bet you anything she's not in a position to be dating right now. And she's a single mom with a small child--trust me--NOT many men would jump on the opportunity to date her, or even have sex with her for that matter. I feel sorry for her, to be honest. I would HATE to be a single mom with a small baby whose father is dating another woman. Nothing against you at all. Just a different perspective on the situation. If anything, you should feel luckyk, not jealous. What's to be jealous of: her pregnancy weight and baby vomit all over her clothes?

 
Old 01-18-2006, 08:28 PM   #6
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Re: Odd situations.

That is an issue which I believe they would prefer to be kept private, though it's something I completely understand. Actually, he's the one taking care of the baby most of the time. She is not terribly interested in the little one, other than the fact that she can now claim to be a mom. Which is one of the things that I find myself struggling over, since I haven't even really had to babysit before and now I find myself learning all sorts of things no human being should ever possibly know about the way the digestive system works. In reverse and fastforward and everything inbetween. It doesn't bother me. I like being a part of the boy's life. I'm just wondering if it might not be a bad thing that the dad's girlfriend seems to be taking more responsibility than the birth mother. We all meet together with a group of friends. Aside from holding the little boy, she does nothing and my boyfriend is left to take care of him constantly, or he gets passed off to me. Perhaps I'm being too paranoid?

 
Old 01-18-2006, 08:36 PM   #7
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Re: Odd situations.

She said that they weren't romantically involved so of course, he's going to move forward. In this day and age, do you really have to ask how you can father a kid with no romantic involvement? It happens a lot.

He shouldn't try to force a relationship with the baby's mother when there obviously isn't one.

Of course a women with a small child isn't going to be that desirable to men but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be able to not date because of this. And it certainly doesn't mean that the man is a bad person.
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Old 01-18-2006, 08:47 PM   #8
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Re: Odd situations.

HI Desperation Girl,

Yeah, this is an odd triangle you're in.

Coming from a single mother's point of view (your BF is a single dad), IMHO, if you want to be with your BF, the baby and the Dad is a package. From what I've read, he never tried to deny or hide the baby from you, right?

From my experience, all the men I'd dated has known from the start that I'm a single mother, but it's up to me whether these men I dated were worthy enough to meet my child. Most of them weren't, so my son didn't meet 99% of them. It's obvious your BF thinks you're worthy enough. However, you also have to think about your feelings. Like you'd discussed with him, you're not a "baby" sort of person.

But your BF being a new father... I'd feel odd too.

Good luck.


 
Old 01-18-2006, 08:50 PM   #9
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Re: Odd situations.

Quote:
Originally Posted by V6 Jeep 4x4
She said that they weren't romantically involved so of course, he's going to move forward. In this day and age, do you really have to ask how you can father a kid with no romantic involvement? It happens a lot.
Seriously? is it that cold out there? I mean, I've been divorced for over a decade, dated a lot, but when 2 people have a baby, there has to be some romance in there somewhere, right? I mean, 1 drop maybe? It's hard to believe that people just screw each other's brains out without an inkling of romance? a half of drop maybe?

 
Old 01-18-2006, 08:54 PM   #10
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Re: Odd situations.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fabat40
Seriously? is it that cold out there? I mean, I've been divorced for over a decade, dated a lot, but when 2 people have a baby, there has to be some romance in there somewhere, right? I mean, 1 drop maybe? It's hard to believe that people just screw each other's brains out without an inkling of romance? a half of drop maybe?
Exactly my thoughts! I mean, am I a complete old-fashioned weirdo at the age of 33 to be thinking it's not entirely normal??

 
Old 01-18-2006, 08:57 PM   #11
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Re: Odd situations.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
Exactly my thoughts! I mean, am I a complete old-fashioned weirdo at the age of 33 to be thinking it's not entirely normal??
Me too Sophia! I mean, com'on, I'm only 41, but romance can't be completely dead... right?

Even through my serial dating days, when I decide to jump in bed with a man, there's an itty-bitty, teensy, half a teaspoon of romance there.... even though we both know it's for nocturnal purposes.

 
Old 01-18-2006, 08:58 PM   #12
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Re: Odd situations.

Quote:
Originally Posted by V6 Jeep 4x4
She said that they weren't romantically involved so of course, he's going to move forward. In this day and age, do you really have to ask how you can father a kid with no romantic involvement? It happens a lot.

He shouldn't try to force a relationship with the baby's mother when there obviously isn't one.

Of course a women with a small child isn't going to be that desirable to men but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be able to not date because of this. And it certainly doesn't mean that the man is a bad person.
Umm, actually, NO. I haven't really encountered anyone who would abandon the mother of their baby at such a young age. Except my step father of course, who was the SCUM of the EARTH in my eyes, and still is. This particular situation might be different, but it's far from being common, I would HOPE, at least.

 
Old 01-18-2006, 09:19 PM   #13
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Re: Odd situations.

... considering the situation, I'd hardly say he abandoned her. I hate to say it, but just because you produce offspring doesn't mean you have to have a meaningful relationship because of that.

 
Old 01-18-2006, 09:28 PM   #14
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Re: Odd situations.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DesperationGirl
... considering the situation, I'd hardly say he abandoned her. I hate to say it, but just because you produce offspring doesn't mean you have to have a meaningful relationship because of that.

But what I'm confused about is when they were in the process of creating the offspring, your BF and the mother of his child couldn't have had "any" romance at all? In other words, while they're in bed? I understand about not having any feelings for each other after the fact, but during? I just find it hard to believe.

Just think of it this way, "IF" something happens to this baby, good or bad, just watch and see how the parents react to the event, to the child and to each other. Ask yourself if you could handle such a thing.

IMHO, the bond of creating a human being no matter how you feel about each other afterwards will always be there. It's part of being human...


Good luck.

Last edited by Fabat40; 01-18-2006 at 09:29 PM.

 
Old 01-19-2006, 01:42 AM   #15
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Re: Odd situations.

Quote:
Originally Posted by V6 Jeep 4x4
She said that they weren't romantically involved so of course, he's going to move forward. In this day and age, do you really have to ask how you can father a kid with no romantic involvement? It happens a lot.

He shouldn't try to force a relationship with the baby's mother when there obviously isn't one.

Of course a women with a small child isn't going to be that desirable to men but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be able to not date because of this. And it certainly doesn't mean that the man is a bad person.
I totally agree...while I get that some people can't imagine themselves having sex without romantic feelings being involved, that doesn't mean that everyone is the same way. I know that I'm not and I've met a lot of men who aren't as well. And quite frankly, I'd be totally fine having sex with someone I had no romantic feelings for whatsoever either because I couldn't resist my physical desire or to get pregnant. I actually don't envision myself having a child with a partner; when I'm ready to have a baby, I'd be fine doing it on my own, since I have the financial and family resources to make that feasible. But anyway, the point is, in this day and age, I think it's inaccurate to presume that every child who is conceived is the product of a romantic liasion, whether it's ended or ongoing. To me, there's no point in judging whether this guy's situation is ''normal" or not, because each relationship is unique...the important thing is whether or not the original poster is happy and comfortable with her current partner, knowing that he comes as a package deal with this baby and possibly its mother.

 
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