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Old 01-19-2006, 04:50 PM   #1
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The "talk"

An advice on how a thirty somethin' gal can have the 'talk' with the non-committing new older 40' somethin bfriend about where the relationship is going? I am looking for ways to phrase my concerns...like "am i his girlfriend'....and ...'what role is he in my life'....without asking those specifics...or should this sex-in-the-city gal ask those very questions?

 
Old 01-19-2006, 05:00 PM   #2
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Re: The "talk"

Just my opinion, I think you should come right out with it in a very nice way. Tell him how you feel and what your concerns are and be cautious not to sound needy or whiny about it (not that you would but I had to say it!). It'll be so much easier when you confront him and get the answers. Good luck!!!
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Old 01-19-2006, 05:15 PM   #3
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Re: The "talk"

How long have you been seeing each other???
Ruth

 
Old 01-19-2006, 05:19 PM   #4
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Re: The "talk"

Thanks for asking. October 05. I guess i should also mention he is grieving a sister's death from sept same year if that should affect the outcome of responses. I have also read the book "he's just not that into you". He seems to prefer the company of his male buddies over me lately.

sigh...it's rough being out there again.

 
Old 01-19-2006, 05:51 PM   #5
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: The "talk"

Please forgive me if I make a few assumptions here -
The guy is divorced
You two started a physical relationship fairly soon

It's hard enough just to get a guy to have the "talk" - and usually non-productive to even try. If their physical needs are already being met I'm not sure they even understand why we have to "get into" it.

If you're feeling driven to have the talk I would REALLY recommend waiting. And if you still feel driven I would find a very NON-traditional way to get your point across.
Because it is NOT whether HE is ready to commit. You would already know it if he was.
It is a need to let him know how you feel. That YOU are ready to emotionally pair off rather than just physically.

Just a note though that any reference to the "C" word may have him backpedaling - 3 months is a pretty short timeframe for some people to be a part of a couple.
And take into account how long since his last relationship?
And the death of an immediate family member?

I DO believe in setting a time frame in which to see some sign that someone wants to be exclusive - but NO guy that I know responds well to being sat down & told "We need to talk". They close up tighter than a clam - they can't help it.

Are you needing to know this now because you intend to break it off sooner than later if he isn't interested in a long term relationship?

I'll tell you that I was 35 when I met my husband. I'd had short relationships and long ones. But when Mr. Ruth met me he KNEW. There was no need for me to "make" him tell me it was going somewhere. It was obvious.
My experience may get in the way of understanding the point of having the talk at all!

 
Old 01-19-2006, 06:25 PM   #6
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Re: The "talk"

Your advice comes from wisdom and that is what i am looking for. He has not been married. We were intimate- but not in that way- yes- good assumption. I do fancy him. I am 35. I guess my query comes from the fact that i shouldn't have to ask the questions- it should be self evident and i wonder why i have to work so hard at it. I remain to think that love is out there though. We are now in a friendship mode- no smooching even. I agree that he will jet if i push him and the very mention of the "talk" will put him in rocket speed away...that is if he truly does not want to couple. Nice to know that gals in their 30's still can find mr. right and not mr right now.

pants-on-fire

 
Old 01-20-2006, 07:03 AM   #7
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Re: The "talk"

Just my two cents... Wait to have the talk. I speak from experience. I am a very chatty, emotional person. I'm the type who has to talk everything out and probably to death. I want to know what the person is feeling and thinking. This has back-fired on me almost every time. Be cool for the time being. If you do have the talk, keep it very light!

 
Old 01-20-2006, 11:09 AM   #8
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Re: The "talk"

Yeah, definitely don't have ANY talk about commitment right now. It's too soon and he just lost his sister only a few months ago. I would try to be patient. Also, maybe I misunderstood, but did you say you were romantic at first but now he only acts as your friend and doesn't even kiss you? Or were you never romantic in the first place and you just want to advance this to a bf/gf level?

 
Old 01-20-2006, 11:23 AM   #9
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Re: The "talk"

You say that you are in the friendship mode...no smooching...sounds like he wants to be friends to me. There's not a book on how to do this or when...just ask him what he wants from you! Decide if you want to just be friends if that's what he wants. You have been together long enough for you to not feel like it's too soon to ask "hey...what's this relationship to you? Are we friend or what?"
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Old 01-20-2006, 12:01 PM   #10
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Re: The "talk"

Quote:
Originally Posted by keepsgoin
You have been together long enough for you to not feel like it's too soon to ask "hey...what's this relationship to you? Are we friend or what?"
I still vote for keeping quiet for a little while longer BUT how about stepping back a little? Maybe not be quite so available to him. Make him wonder about you and miss you.

 
Old 01-20-2006, 12:25 PM   #11
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Re: The "talk"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
I'll tell you that I was 35 when I met my husband. I'd had short relationships and long ones. But when Mr. Ruth met me he KNEW. There was no need for me to "make" him tell me it was going somewhere. It was obvious.
My experience may get in the way of understanding the point of having the talk at all!
Ruth is not unique in her scenario. I recommend reading, The List: 7 Ways to Tell If He's Going to Marry You--in 30 Days or Less. Some women are put off by the cook book nature of the process it explains. However, I think they are not clear of the books intent. If you are looking for a long term dating partner the book is of no value. If you want marriage and actively looking for that man that will both be a good selection AND, as important, be interested in marriage, the book says it like it is.

Most happily married men say that they knew almost immediately when they met their wife that they wanted to marry them. Happily married men showed an immediate interest making their intent clear verbally. Obviously, many get married after years of dating. But if a woman is looking specifically for a man that also wants to be married and particularly to her, questions usually don't need to be asked as to his intent. He makes it know very early. Happily married men say they knew right away she was the one and wanted her out of the pool of available women as soon as possible.

If you are hedging and dancing around the question of where you fit into his life after four months, as Ruth indicated, that may be a clue. He deserves a chance to make his intentions and feelings known and you should ask very directly

 
Old 01-20-2006, 04:07 PM   #12
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Re: The "talk"

Thanks to all of you ladies who have replied. To clarify a few things. We were intimate after numerous dates and have partaken in a few 'sleepovers'. We are no longer even smooching now. I am a nurse and work shiftwork- so that is also a consideration not to be overlooked - but really- if he wanted to be with me- would he not want to meet me at 0730 for breakfast or at 2330 for a drink? He has not made his intentions clear- and nor have I....seem to be eating chicken feed right now to venture into that zone. I have tried the unavailability approach - and it brings a phone call from him- but is also distancing us even more. Am I too unavailable. Tonight he is with the boys- and I am attending an Art gallery opening which he chooses not to attend...i think i am slowly getting my own message uncovered. But why would he introduce me to all his friends? Have we skipped back a level and now are 'just friends'? Oh, and yes....I do want marriage and lots of babies and my nursing career.

 
Old 01-20-2006, 04:21 PM   #13
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Re: The "talk"

I don't know..it's weird that he's backing off after such a short time. He's not even trying to kiss you now, even though you already slept together on numerous occasions?? I have never heard of such a thing. I'm afraid it's not good, but since you have nothing to lose, why don't you just ask him what's going on? It's just too strange.

 
Old 01-20-2006, 04:52 PM   #14
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Re: The "talk"

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
I don't know..it's weird that he's backing off after such a short time. He's not even trying to kiss you now, even though you already slept together on numerous occasions?? I have never heard of such a thing. I'm afraid it's not good, but since you have nothing to lose, why don't you just ask him what's going on? It's just too strange.
I think it is very normal behavior for a particular mindset - his. The hardest lesson many women learn is to listen only to his behaviors in assessing his intentions and feelings and don't muddy up your thoughts by thinking he means what you want him to or what you think he should or what his words once were. Men are easy to read. Watch and observe then make the simple, but sometimes uncomfortable deduction of what they really think and feel.

If his words are in conflict with his actions and behaviors, always go with the actions, never with the words. It is really that easy and only becomes complicated when we refuse to see the behaviors for what they are.

If a man seems to not want to spend much time with a woman, it means he doesn't want to. It is unfortunately as ucomplicated as that.

Last edited by Music4All; 01-20-2006 at 04:53 PM.

 
Old 01-21-2006, 07:17 AM   #15
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Re: The "talk"

I struggle with what i call the 'congruency factor'...are his words and actions matching? Sometimes- sometimes not.

Oh, and we haven't as Mr. Clinton most eloquently puts it...."Had sexual relations"...he wanted to wait despite being in our birthday suits- can i say that? What does that mean? What male who is not incapacitated says that...maybe a male who is into man-man relations? But i am doubtful he is.... he knows too much about the female anatomy to have learned that in health class (blush).

He is often making excuses to see me...like "i have to fix your computer...or your car..." And despite being the independent woman I am...I let him.

Is this getting more complicated by the word? Stop the insanity! A colleague told me last night (just home form a night shift) that if he wants to go out with the boys rather than spend time with me than and that his friends are also single- than he like them are probably looking for girls when at the pub. Any thoughts? Did I already mention that I am a green-eyed monster when i see him talking to other females? Guess I am quite taken by him. However, more to the jealousy factor...Maybe he is putting out subtle cues that i am picking up on...or... maybe i have turned cynical and suspicious from too many past experiences with males doing same.

Please advise.

Pant-on-fire.

 
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