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Old 01-19-2006, 08:11 PM   #1
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I have a problem with on line dating sites

I have been married for 23 yrs. The first couple of years, I had a 'feeling' my husband might have something on the side...it soon went away. 5 yrs and two childern later, I got that 'feeling' again...this time I was going to resolve this 'feeling' .....I got him! I had always said if my husband cheated on me, that would be it.....not so easy when you are in the situation. We had just moved to a new town, two kids 2 & 4, and no job. He admitted everything, we are Christians, he went to the Church and confessed and repented. Things went well for many years as far as my husband proving himself, although he still worked with the 'woman' (still does), I really had a hard time letting it go. I ended up on depression meds, going to counselors and Doctors for ten years, (I am on anti anxiety meds to date.) Finally, I got past the pain, and for the last 5 yrs things were going good, finally, I felt like I could trust him. It was actually a very nice feeling. This past summer....I began to get that 'feeling' again! I prayed about it, "if something is going on, show me"......it was thrown right in my face (via e-mail)! I found out, my husband has been on the dating sites. He denies it (of course), he is so dang stupid, I found him very easily (without a picture)......The first site I found, I registered, and flirted with the fool.....he denies it! I printed the flirts off.... I went through his cookies (on his lap top) and found porn sites he has been on. I think he got into this cyber stuff.

I know men are visiual beings, and I really do not have a problem with him looking at woman, but why can't we do it together? Why does he feel he has to do it behind my back. The problem I have with the dating sites, has he met up with some of the woman? Do the woman know he is married? Or would they care? I don't think much about these sites.

So now, the trust is gone! I don't believe any thing he says any more....I have spent much to much time on the net trying to find just one more site......(matter of fact,found one today!) I am so tired...I am trying to get a kid through HS, trying to support a kid through college, and I am waisting my time tracking my husband, when I know what he is doing. He would never admit he has met any one, I can't get him to admit he is on the sites!

What to do next? I had images of us growing old together, watching our kids graduate from college, wathing our grandkids together. I mean after what I went through the first 14 yrs of marriage, getting through that, I deserve the best. I am so confussed.

I have been out of the work place for 5yrs, went to get a job the other day and picked over by a 24 yr old. Who wants to hire a 50 yr old woman?

What to do.....what to do......does anyone have the same kind of story, and what did you do? Any advice, anyone?
Thanks

 
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Old 01-19-2006, 08:24 PM   #2
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Re: I have a problem with on line dating sites

Hi Lookin4fifty,

I'm so sorry you'd gone through all this crap and you're still going through it. First I'd like to commend you for sticking it through thick & thin with your husband. He's a very lucky man.

I was briefly married many years ago and my ex-husband cheated on me. You're right, it's harder when the situation comes up in your marriage. That wasn't the reason why our marriage fell apart, but that's another story. I stuck it out with my ex-husband because of our child. Some people may not agree with what I did. We went to our Deacon, marriage counselor & he was sorry for his mistake. But in the end, our marriage ended anyway.

Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Without it, what do you have?

I hope & wish nothing but good things for you & your family. I'll pray that you'll find an answer where everybody would be happy. Maybe if you let him go and let him go out and chase those women, he may be happy and who knows, maybe there's another man meant for you out there.

Oh, BTW, I work in Silicon Valley and I just hired 2 people, 1 is 57, she's wonderful and smart and she works her tail off and the other is 61, he's smart, and I wish I could pay them more because the wisdom and talent they're bringing into our Corporation is priceless.

You're still young. Don't worry about your age. Let your talent shine. You have it in there - just let the whole world know and don't hold back.

{{{BIG HUGS}}}

Last edited by Fabat40; 01-19-2006 at 08:25 PM.

 
Old 01-19-2006, 08:48 PM   #3
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Re: I have a problem with on line dating sites

I am also very sorry for what you are going through--you deserve a lot more for all you have endured for the sake of keeping your marriage and family together. Please know that you have our support and concern and that there are lots of great people here who will stand by you and do everything they can to help you through this painful ordeal. I personally don't have experience with the issues you are confronting, but I wanted to wish you well and let you know that you have friends here on your side rooting for you and that you are not alone. A lot of people get sucked in or even addicted to the Internet, especially to chatting and/or porn sites, and if you search, you will find a ton of past threads about topics very similar to the thread you posted. Maybe those would provide some helpful advice or maybe they would only make you worry more and feel worse...I feel really badly for you and hope you find a way to get through this. It's not fair or at all considerate for your husband to put you through this stress and pain, especially when he doesn't even have the decency and courage to face up to what he has done and is doing.

As for online dating sites, it's incredibly easy for someone to represent themselves as single regardless of whether or not they actually are unattached on mainstream sites…generally the most popular sites are pretty legitimate in that women aren't looking to steal husbands or anything, but there are tons of other sites out there, some of which actually cater to attached people looking for affairs or to people looking for purely physical encounters. The internet has made it so easy, private, and convenient to access porn, dating sites, and the like...it's not like people didn't watch porn and cheat in the past, but I have to think that it's more problematic now that access is so widespread through the Internet. You deserve honesty and fidelity, as well as his full attention, and him making you feel cheated on in any way is hurtful and wrong...it sounds like your husband doesn't fully appreciate what a great wife and marriage he has, not that it's any excuse, and I'm just really sorry that you are going through this.

One thing I would suggest if you really want to know what he's up to is that you go to a store that sells computer stuff and buy a program that logs every key stroke and reports every single thing that is done on a computer to you...these programs are very widely available, inexpensive, and difficult to detect for an amateur computer user, especially someone like your husband who makes no effort to cover his tracks. Has he been spending a large amount of time online? Is his internet activity detracting from your quality time together as a couple or any of the other things that he should be or that he enjoys doing? If so, you might want to consider at least temporarily getting rid of your internet hookup, though I'd imagine most people probably have easy internet access at work...I hope he is not careless enough to access dating sites let alone porn there, however, because companies monitor such activity and consider it worthy of firing in many cases. I wish there was an easy solution that would make this problem go away for you and your family, but unfortunately it’s a common, yet very hurtful, complex problem with no simple answers, particularly when one partner is being less than faithful and then less than honest to cover up these questionable activities. Anyway, I don’t have any wisdom or specific advice for you, unfortunately, but I do feel for you and want to offer my support. We are always here to listen and provide any help we can so please keep us posted and don’t hesitate to lean on us…I really hope that you are able to get through this with as little pain as possible and find a workable solution to this issue together with your husband. Best wishes and good luck .

 
Old 01-20-2006, 08:36 AM   #4
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Re: I have a problem with on line dating sites

Sweetie I have to make this short, but your problem is not with the on-line dating sites, your problem is with your husband.

It doesn't matter if he actually met up with anyone, the fact that he has a profile on-line would be enough for me. He is disrespectful and distrustful. I would put an end to that BS, or else get out of the relationship. I wouldn't stay and tolerate it. Something has to change.

I wish you all the best

 
Old 01-20-2006, 05:09 PM   #5
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Re: I have a problem with on line dating sites

This is what really, really ticks me off about a lot of marriages. The woman does not work and focuses purely on raising the kids (which is admirable) and therefore relies on her husband to financially support the family. So then the husband goes off and has an affair, or flirts with other women, not holding up his end of the love, honor and obey bargain. And then the woman finds herself stuck, no job and no way out, totally screwed over for all of her sacrificing. That really sucks. I'm sorry it happened. You don't deserve to be put through this at all. I think it is good that you are looking for a job. Don't feel let down because you didn't get the one, keep looking. You'll find something. You don't want to be dependant any your husband anymore. He is causing you so much stress, and you don't need that. I would start building a different foundation of your own. It's never too late.

 
Old 01-20-2006, 07:07 PM   #6
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Re: I have a problem with on line dating sites

as the others said, i am so sorry that you've even had to think about these kinds of things.
no matter what happens from here on out, keep your chin up. know that after all the **** is done, you'll have things you've worked for [your kids] and can be so proud of, whenever you feel badly, count on your kids. they can offer silent support, even if they don't know what happened, you can take comfort in their unconditional love for their momma! =)

i wish you so much luck and happiness equal and beyond the huge amount of hurt you've dealt with!

 
Old 01-20-2006, 07:14 PM   #7
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Re: I have a problem with on line dating sites

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyArcher
This is what really, really ticks me off about a lot of marriages. The woman does not work and focuses purely on raising the kids (which is admirable) and therefore relies on her husband to financially support the family. So then the husband goes off and has an affair, or flirts with other women, not holding up his end of the love, honor and obey bargain. And then the woman finds herself stuck, no job and no way out, totally screwed over for all of her sacrificing. That really sucks. I'm sorry it happened. You don't deserve to be put through this at all. I think it is good that you are looking for a job. Don't feel let down because you didn't get the one, keep looking. You'll find something. You don't want to be dependant any your husband anymore. He is causing you so much stress, and you don't need that. I would start building a different foundation of your own. It's never too late.
This is great advice, and I couldn't agree more. No woman should ever have to stay with a man because she is financially dependent on him, but unfortunately this kind of scenario is not uncommon. I think a lot of times when a woman stays home and doesn't work, it can create distance within a marriage because they do such different things and interact with different people all day. The husband may feel a lot closer to and like he has more in common with women at work or grow bored with his wife and feel drawn to or curious about other women. I'm not excusing this or saying it's okay, I just think that it's the exceptional marriage rather than the typical one which is characterized by consistent love, closeness, and happiness.

Because I agree so strongly with Gypsy, I have always been baffled as to why so many women are so eager to get married and see the institution as something desirable. Some of these women seem more interested in the wedding and the diamond ring than in being married, but a lot genuinely seem to think marriage is still the primary goal in a woman's life, which quite frankly blows my mind. I don't want to get married and never really have, and I've never considered marriage any sort of accomplishment in and of itself, only if a couple manages to make it work and stay together happily. To me it still seems like a repressive institution that holds women back, denies a basic civil right to gays, and foments religious intolerance and discrimination, and blinds women to what is really important and what they should be looking for, which to me is a lasting, equal, and mutually respectful partnership and family. I guess I will never understand why marriage is such a desirable and common goal in the eyes of so many unmarried women when so few married women seem to live happily ever after and not end up feeling lonely, abandoned, confined, repressed, or held back.

Anyway, to the original poster, I just want to wish you well again and tell you how much I hope everything turns out for the best for you. You really deserve to be happy and fully content with your life and your relationships, and I'm very sorry that your husband is acting the way he is and not treating you with the respect and admiration you deserve. Good luck, take care, and please keep us posted on how you are doing and if there is anything we can do to provide further advice or support.

 
Old 01-20-2006, 08:05 PM   #8
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Re: I have a problem with on line dating sites

Quote:
Because I agree so strongly with Gypsy, I have always been baffled as to why so many women are so eager to get married and see the institution as something desirable
For real. Veronica, you are my new favorite person (and not just because you agree with me, either ) I really liked your whole post, it was very well written. With so many marriages ending up in divorce, so many partners cheating, so many husbands who look at porn and visit strip clubs and prostitutes, I do not see how any woman in this day and age could justify becoming financially dependent on a man. (I am not talking about women who have been married for many years, as it was a little different back then). It would be really *nice* if women could have children and focus solely on raising them, secure in the knowledge that their husband is providing for them and is not out there whoring around. But more often than not, it does not work out that way.

Nowadays, I think every woman has to go out into the world with the goal of independence, and should have skills that will benefit them throughout their lifetime. If they happen to meet a man they can see as being a good partner and want to start a family, great, but I don't think they should expect to depend on their husband forever. You always got to have something to fall back on, you always have to have a Plan B.

Quote:
I think a lot of times when a woman stays home and doesn't work, it can create distance within a marriage because they do such different things and interact with different people all day. The husband may feel a lot closer to and like he has more in common with women at work or grow bored with his wife and feel drawn to or curious about other women.
I definetly agree. This is the thing that gets me though. As horrible as it is for someone to cheat on their partner, or even flirt with someone else, how do you stop that from happening? I mean, you have a partner that you really love, you love seeing them every day, being around them. But then there are so many other people out there that you forge these connections with, these really deep bonds, and before you know it you have these romantics feelings for them. How do people help that? We're all human, we all want to connect with other humans. Just because you love somebody doesn't mean that you are unable to care about someone else. It is just so murky out there, it really is.

I have formed some really deep bonds with people I worked with, and at times would feel a lot closer to them then I did my partner. It doesn't really seem like there is any kind of solution. Should people just stop getting married altogether? Then we'd have all these broken homes and kids shuttling back and forth between parents. When I was growing up, the fact that my parents didn't love each other was the hardest thing in the world for me. I think every child deserves to have parents who are totally devoted to one another and are in love. But then I look at my personal experiences with relationships and looking at society in general and that just isn't very realistic.

This is one of the biggest issues that I wrestle with, and it seems to be a really big issue for society in general. It seems like we're meant to form families and have children, but yet so many bonds between couples simply don't endure. So many partners find themselves falling for someone else, falling out of love, etc. How do strike a balance with that, how do you make it work? I just don't know

 
Old 01-20-2006, 10:08 PM   #9
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Re: I have a problem with on line dating sites

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz
Sweetie I have to make this short, but your problem is not with the on-line dating sites, your problem is with your husband.

It doesn't matter if he actually met up with anyone, the fact that he has a profile on-line would be enough for me. He is disrespectful and distrustful. I would put an end to that BS, or else get out of the relationship. I wouldn't stay and tolerate it. Something has to change.

I wish you all the best
I am totally agree, if not internet he would of find women somewhere else.

 
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