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Old 01-21-2006, 03:21 AM   #1
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trejaz HB User
Exclamation I want to leave my husband....

I am 26 years, been with my husband since I was 18. We have 2 children 7yrs & 3yrs. I love my children dearly, and try my hardest to do everything BEST for them as much as possible. I dedicate everything I do to them.(I work full-time)

We only married recently, after being together for several years. At the time of getting married, I really didn't want to, but the temptation of the "wedding" and I thought that it might get better for the kids and also to complete our family unit.

My husband has been abusive to me physically in the past, even during pregnancy. After calling the police on him twice and getting a protective order against him, he stopped with the physical abuse...yet I am still "scared" of him, he has SHORT wicks...temper blows up, not just with me, but with the kids. He criticizes people, and says to the kids this attitude is OK and you should always speak your opinion...I normally take them aside afterwards and tell them the do's and don'ts and goods and bads, because I DO NOT want them to turn out like him. I have been with MM for so many years, I would not know how to live alone, and have that company. His upbringing was completely the opposite of mine. He was bought up the hard way, verbal abuse and physical. But to this day, he says that was normal, and all kids needed to be pushed and have hard parents so the kids dont turn out spolied. I dis-agree though. He knows and has told me he has an anger problem, and can see it reflecting on us. Says he is going to get help, but never does. He starts going on about how it is a waste of money etc.

I think I was brought up fine, no abuse, I actually got brought up with lots of positive attitudes and comments. I moved out of home when I was 15 and stayed with friends and family, then met my future husband, I want to go........but I think I am afraid. I am very independant, get loads of comments from family and friends. My husband puts me down all the time, and I think I have had just about enough..........I have planned out how I am going to do this, I just can't put it to action. I keep saying to myself...just one more time, he will change, he is sweet, think about the kids. Can someone assist me with any advice on how I can go about this? Should I leave? I want to, but then I don't want to? Financially yes..... arggghhh I don't know!! I am so confused! Maybe I just need someone to talk to?

Last edited by trejaz; 01-21-2006 at 03:31 AM.

 
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Old 01-21-2006, 06:15 AM   #2
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nanna02 HB User
Post Re: I want to leave my husband....

Hi there Trejaz

I want you to know I was in the exact same position as you when I was first married ;

I left home at 15 1/2 , met husband at 17 , engaged 18 and married at almost 19 yrs;

I felt he made my life so different , we were good friends , but when the ring went on my finger , the whole picture changed.

he was off , hunting every weekend , leaving me at home on my own, Fri till Sunday , ..and sometimes 10 days on long hunts.

We had 2 children eventually , took me 4 yrs to get pregnant , so I really loved them and devoted myself to them , was mother and father cos he was never there.

after 10 yrs of it I began to wish I could leave him , he was like yours', abusive , violent tempered when he had been drinking , and I was real scared of him..
he never actually hit me but the violent verbal abuse and threats was just as if he had!..

The years have gone by,

I was completely faithful to him, he got everything done for him , people used to say how spoilt he was , but I had begun to feel it was too late to change things ; I was living like my mother , worked hard for her family in the home ..

I never knew any friends to go out with , he always wanted control over me , and they were all his friends or his family ; !...

I told my kids once , I stayed with their father cos I had lost mine thru a divorce , and didn't want them to suffer the way I had ; ..

so now , they are grown up happily , living good , honest lives , which is from the love and caring I showed them , not their father ..

I am now still an attractive, young looking 53 yr old woman , in spite of being unfortunately disabled physically , 3yrs in a wheelchair ,.. spinal ops etc..

We've been married for 35 yrs soon, and now , in hindsight , wish that I had left my husband earlier , while I was young , to have found my real soulmate somewhere , as we are so different , nothing in common;

he went his own way long ago, putting his whole heart into his dogs and hunting hobby, since I ended up in the wheelchair ,

I am left isolated and lonely in a house up on a steep hill , I can't get out of , can't visit friends unless they come to me ..

I have just come on here to look at relationships cos I told my husband tonight , I can't bear to live this way any longer , that I'm not happy being left alone etc..
that I would be able to live elsewhere if need be ;

.. he carried on at me , told me to get out , NOW!!.. and went off to another bed ..
so I'll see what happens in the morning !..

I meant what I said , I'm not happy , but I'd just like him to try counselling to see if he will understand what's going on with us .. but he's not so forgiving I don't rate my chances ..

so that's ok . I'll just have to live with my decision .

perhaps , I'll have to pray real hard when I get off here , that he'll see what's the right thing to do for us.. I don't know .

So , I wanted you to realize , if you feel you're not happy sweetheart , please don't do what I did , and leave it too late and be unhappy /regretting all your life like I've been?

...Of course , there were good moments ,
but there was always that " I know something horrible is going to happen tomorrow!" nagging in my head , it was always there !...

So , I'll wish you all the best in your decision , think carefully in what you want to do , maybe you might be able to get some counselling to help?

I'd like to think he will agree to go for you , but who knows ..

one thing I am assured of , YOU can't change some one else , they have to decide to do it them selves ,..
so , I'll just have to wait on my fate , like you .
Good luck !.. thinking of you .. Belle xxx
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Old 01-21-2006, 06:51 AM   #3
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: I want to leave my husband....

I am a die-hard fan of marriage.

BUT, for those peple with abuse or addiction problems who WILL NOT get help, I am the first to say that divorce is preferable to the alternatives.
Your children are absorbing your husand's attitude. Abuse doesn't just come in the physical form.
If your husband will go to counseling that would be great.

What is hardest of all is that I know that you love him. Love does NOT mean that he is good for you and the children.
The other hard part is that if you make this decision it has to be a firm and final one.
The children won't be done any favors if they are moved out and back in again.

You'll know when it's the last straw. When everything inside you is screaming I AM BETTER THAN THIS.
(and you are.)

 
Old 01-21-2006, 07:06 AM   #4
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Nina000 HB User
Re: I want to leave my husband....

Oh please leave...only for a short time during which he might question his behaviour and attitude.
I know it's not easy but this situation will escalate unless you show him that you have had enough. Sadly, some men NEVER learn through forgiveness. You are always there for him and he is taking you for granted. The fact that the police got involved twice means that he has a serious problem.
Don't just go to him swear back and say that you are leaving...try to book few weeks away from him, can you? say that you are going on holiday with the kids and take a break.
I don't mean to be a downer but I had a similar experience of physical abuse with my ex. He always apologised, and said that it would be the last time. It never was until I left for good.

 
Old 01-21-2006, 08:42 AM   #5
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Music4All HB User
Re: I want to leave my husband....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
I am a die-hard fan of marriage.

BUT, for those peple with abuse or addiction problems who WILL NOT get help, I am the first to say that divorce is preferable to the alternatives.
Your children are absorbing your husand's attitude. Abuse doesn't just come in the physical form.
If your husband will go to counseling that would be great.

What is hardest of all is that I know that you love him. Love does NOT mean that he is good for you and the children.
The other hard part is that if you make this decision it has to be a firm and final one.
The children won't be done any favors if they are moved out and back in again.

You'll know when it's the last straw. When everything inside you is screaming I AM BETTER THAN THIS.
(and you are.)
I am 100% in the same camp as Ruth on this. A die-hard believer that marriage is a vow that should not be entrred into lightly or exitted lightly. However, when abuse is brought into the picture, the vow and mariage contract is immediately made null and void and getting out is often the best short and long term solution. Not easy solution, but the most healthy. This is a very bad environment for you as a person and your children.

Please take stock in yourself, your self worth, and your right to be happy and drop the notion that you have any obligation to give him more chances - you don't.

 
Old 01-21-2006, 11:54 PM   #6
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trejaz HB User
Re: I want to leave my husband....

Hi Belle, Thank you for your reply. WOW, you know, a couple of years ago, I sat down with my mother in law, shes about 62, and she knows exactly how her son is, as her husband (my father in law) is exactly that same way. He is very demanding, and tells her what to do etc. always goes on about us woman belonging in the kitchen etc. and that my husband took after him. She said she was very un-happy throughout the years, and she thought many times to leave him, BUT they had "9" children, and she said there was no way she could have taken care of all of them herself. I always said to myself, that I would never end up like that, and if things got worse, I would just pack up and leave. Its just not that easy! BUT I am sick of the put downs, and being told off like a kid etc.... I am head strong, I can do this!!!

The only way for me to do this, is to leave the area though (financially) I will have to leave my job I love, and take my children from their school and kindy - which I am finding hard to do, and move up with my mum in Brisbane...... I know I will have no problem finding work etc. HOWEVER, I just feel so - "embarressed" we have been together for about 9 years, and we only got married in October - whats everyone going to say? They'll all look at me like a failure! - Well, I will anyway.

I am good at organizing stuff, and financially with numbers etc. I have already pre-written my work resignation, and have it all planned on how I will live better alone with my kids.......I'm just scared now.................

Thank you everyone who replied also - It is soo good to have people out there who understand or even care........

Last edited by trejaz; 01-21-2006 at 11:58 PM.

 
Old 01-22-2006, 04:29 AM   #7
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Music4All HB User
Re: I want to leave my husband....

Quote:
Originally Posted by trejaz
They'll all look at me like a failure! -
But you know the truth will be you will contribute to a much bigger failure of you do nothing. Whatever your failings in getting you to this point, your focus now should be to learn whatever lessons you need to learn for future partner choices, but get out of this abuse now before you get in even deeper.

 
Old 01-22-2006, 07:59 PM   #8
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nanna02 HB User
Re: I want to leave my husband....

Hi there Trejaz.

Belle here
I think you are being very brave, I never could do what you are going to do at your age ,

I wasn't qualified for a career as I left school at 15 , and home a while later.

My mum had remarried , and my step father interferred with me from 5 till 13 yrs old , so I was so mixed up about trusting men ;

when I met my husband to be, he was just a good friend ,someone i could trust , and that's why I married him..
in hindsight now , I think maybe I forced him in to being married , as he always loved doing his own thing , like hunting ,it was and still is , in his blood , and I think he resents me for that at times ..

However , we've had a good life , 2 lovely kids and grandchilren now , but I'm not happy with his selfish behaviour , being left isolated and alone so much , and feel I should give him the chance to lead his own life , to live with all his hunting ambitions , it's like an obsession for him,
and I, in my wheelchair , feel I am a burden/liabilty for him , I don't want to continue to do that to him.

now , at 54yrs almost , maybe I can become independent of him with some help from the authorities , but I'm going to a counsellor soon, to try and get my priorities sorted out .

i wish you all the luck , trejaz .. i'm thinking of you .. Love Belle xxx
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Old 01-22-2006, 08:25 PM   #9
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Fabat40 HB User
Re: I want to leave my husband....

Trejaz,
Leave the SOB!

There's no reason to stay if this man does not appreciate you. Love does not hit. Love does not make you feel bad. Love does not put you down.

This SOB does not deserve you or your children.

I left mine with $30 to my name and our baby in hand. I filed for divorced and never looked back. Now my ex-lop of a husband is toothless, a drunk, been in and out of jail, living in dire conditions, hasn't paid child support since I'd left his sorry arse and I along with his child by far have a much, much and I cannot say enough much better life than he or anybody in mine and his family ever thought anybody could or would do.

You deserve a better life and so does your children.

 
Old 01-23-2006, 07:55 AM   #10
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helen6060 HB User
Re: I want to leave my husband....

I can only speak from my childhood experience & having seen a few other violent relationships from further away.

Please leave, I wouldn't wish the end of any marriage, but you have all taken too much already.

I am a child of a violent father, for your own sake and for your children's please start a new life. It may even give your husband an opportunity to start again differently.

I am sure it won't be easy,but is it easy now ?? I feel your life will begin again in a non-violent environment.

You are NOT a failure, anybody may think that doesn't know what they are talking about.

It took my mother 20 years + to leave a violent marriage, I only started to build a life after we left. The longer you stay the longer it will take to recover.

You CAN start again, only you can know which day to make the move - but from my experience - the sooner the better.

Good luck to you,

Helen

 
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