What do I do wen i'm my own worst enemy?
Something fantastic has happened, my ex wants to give our relationship another go, we split up just over a month ago and he had his reasons, all were too much to handle for me personally but they have changed my life.
I have a really bad problem with screwing relationships up, I end up making the man dissrespect and resent me because I suffer from clingyness, paranoia, and I feel like I have an inner demon inside making me say or do stupid things that pushes my ex away, I will get paranoid about something that is totally nothing and either sulk, look miserable or move away and be moody with him then deny it later when he pulls me up about it. The other problems I can solve, I just need to have independence and not be clingy, yeh, I can do that, but it is the guilt trips, the sulking and huffing and puffing like a child that I can't solve too easily, and both I and my ex are terrified I will make these problems again.
We both went out for a night out the other night & I decided to get drunk (bad idea) I got to a state where I felt I knew better than what my head instincts were telling me and when my ex got a txt off some girl I turned from happy fresh irrisistable new me, to sulking distant and miserable old girlfriend me. Despite him smiling and telling me he will explain later, and it is nothing to worry about, I still sulked and moved away...with senses that it was totally a bad idea but did it anyway! I leaned against a wall 2 about 6 feet away from him and had a face like a smacked bottom.
He knew instantly what I was doing and he told me he can't handle it, this is exactly what he couldn't handle when he was with me....I couldn't believe it, I had done something that I wasn't aware of, sort of was but something made me do it, maybe it was the drink but whatever it was it wasn't my brain that was in use. We ended up arguing and resolving it later after me confessing how much I missed him, he told me he wants to make a proper go of things this time but he is scared of what we are going to be like together as a couple, and to be honest...so am I.
It is the same thing everytime, I can't really remember a GOOD night out we have had in ages. Because I keep doing this to myself and to him, I regret doing it right away but I still do it! I hope it was just the drink because then I can just stop drinking to the point of stupidity.Everytime we go out we end up having something to hate each other for, I try sucking up to him and he sits there resenting me, I don't know what the core of the problem is but it's stopping me from really giving our relationship a posotive go.
It is all down to me really, if i can solve this problem I have and remain myself and calm (maybe not drink) we would have the relationship we always needed. How on earth am I to stop myself?! it is quite scary cos it is like I will do it again without knowing i'm even doing it, I know it isn't wise but I still do it! and I hate myself for it, he has his doubts I will ever change, but I want to with all my heart! what am I to do?! are there any solutions or am I to make the same mistake again and again?!