Something fantastic has happened, my ex wants to give our relationship another go, we split up just over a month ago and he had his reasons, all were too much to handle for me personally but they have changed my life.
I have a really bad problem with screwing relationships up, I end up making the man dissrespect and resent me because I suffer from clingyness, paranoia, and I feel like I have an inner demon inside making me say or do stupid things that pushes my ex away, I will get paranoid about something that is totally nothing and either sulk, look miserable or move away and be moody with him then deny it later when he pulls me up about it. The other problems I can solve, I just need to have independence and not be clingy, yeh, I can do that, but it is the guilt trips, the sulking and huffing and puffing like a child that I can't solve too easily, and both I and my ex are terrified I will make these problems again.
We both went out for a night out the other night & I decided to get drunk (bad idea) I got to a state where I felt I knew better than what my head instincts were telling me and when my ex got a txt off some girl I turned from happy fresh irrisistable new me, to sulking distant and miserable old girlfriend me. Despite him smiling and telling me he will explain later, and it is nothing to worry about, I still sulked and moved away...with senses that it was totally a bad idea but did it anyway! I leaned against a wall 2 about 6 feet away from him and had a face like a smacked bottom.
He knew instantly what I was doing and he told me he can't handle it, this is exactly what he couldn't handle when he was with me....I couldn't believe it, I had done something that I wasn't aware of, sort of was but something made me do it, maybe it was the drink but whatever it was it wasn't my brain that was in use. We ended up arguing and resolving it later after me confessing how much I missed him, he told me he wants to make a proper go of things this time but he is scared of what we are going to be like together as a couple, and to be honest...so am I.
It is the same thing everytime, I can't really remember a GOOD night out we have had in ages. Because I keep doing this to myself and to him, I regret doing it right away but I still do it! I hope it was just the drink because then I can just stop drinking to the point of stupidity.Everytime we go out we end up having something to hate each other for, I try sucking up to him and he sits there resenting me, I don't know what the core of the problem is but it's stopping me from really giving our relationship a posotive go.
It is all down to me really, if i can solve this problem I have and remain myself and calm (maybe not drink) we would have the relationship we always needed. How on earth am I to stop myself?! it is quite scary cos it is like I will do it again without knowing i'm even doing it, I know it isn't wise but I still do it! and I hate myself for it, he has his doubts I will ever change, but I want to with all my heart! what am I to do?! are there any solutions or am I to make the same mistake again and again?!
OK, you say you get mad over dumb stuff but I have to tell you, a text message from another woman wouldn't make me too darn thrilled either! Are you sure it's nothing or is he really doing things that he shouldn't be doing and making you feel guilty when you are angry about it? I'm not saying he is, I'm asking if he is. What kinds of things does he do that makes you upset besides talking to other women?
well its always either his mates said something and i took it the wrong way or to heart.I know that girl but i still felt awkward, and still acted stupid even when he said he will tell me whats going on.
If this sort of thing is always happening every time you do anything social, then I think you're right to acknowledge that you need to work on something deep inside. It sounds like you might be struggling with some serious insecurities and/or defense mechanisms that you are using to avoid getting hurt, but that are instead getting in the way of true intimacy and happiness. Having read your past posts though, I'm not at all sure that the best place for you to try and work through these issues is with your ex...I don't like some of the ways he treated you at all, especially his blowing everything out of proportion, picking fights, and then blaming you for all of this. It also sounds like you aren't completely thrilled with your life on your own, which is essential for a healthy and balanced relationship between equals, and I'm not sure that this is something you can properly address and try to remedy while in a less than 100% supportive and nurturing relationship. You deserve to be treated with nothing less than the utmost respect and made to feel important, admired, and cherished by your partner, and I think it's hard to attain this when you are struggling with insecurity. I would strongly encourage you to think long and hard about whether this is really your ideal relationship and whether you can achieve the personal progress and growth that will make you happier and stronger while in this relationship or whether you'd do better on your own. Good luck and take care!!