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Old 01-21-2006, 09:20 AM   #1
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To Murray-

I wanted to see how you were doing today. My thread is getting really long so I figured if you wanted to talk about your 'process' we could here. You sounded like you were doing really strong yesterday for your first day- I remember my friend took me to CT to meet her dad on my Day 1, just to get me away from the whole situation, and I fought back tears the whole time and I was sending questioning and accusing texts back and forth with my ex all day, as he wouldnt pick up my calls- it was horrible.
I hope you are doing well- Im going through something very similar; even though I harbor MUCH more resentment toward my ex for obvious reasons, I dont know whether that makes it harder or easier- either way, we're alike here, so know that I and others with wonderful advice are here

 
Old 01-21-2006, 09:31 AM   #2
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Re: To Murray-

I just read your response in my thread, sorry I saw it after I posted this!
Let me just say DO NOT WORRY, you are doing oh...85% better than I ever did that early. I did the same stuff in the beginning except my ex wouldnt pick up my calls- he said he thought he was going to make it worse. I made an a** out of myself then, then again a month later, and then again on Tuesday when the new girl thing came up. Point is- read what Opie put in my thread. You are being honest. I am running out the door so I will write more detail later, but you cant help what you feel and in my opinion, Id rather show it than bottle it up and ignore it. That's just me. Even if it makes you look dumb at times, at least you are true to yourself. Opie's advice is very good in that regard.
You sound like you are doing very well actually. I couldnt even get through the day without breaking down multiple times for almost 2 weeks. If you're getting through 95%, that is very commendable! Trust me...you will be OK. Keep posting, it takes time. Im already feeling better today, and while I will most likely have a relapse at some point in time, I'll take today if its good!
Dont apologize for posting on my thread- thats what it is there for- people to respond and help each other out. I just posted a 'special' one for you because Im afraid my thread might get closed down, the amount of posts is getting up there!

 
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Old 01-21-2006, 10:10 AM   #3
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Re: To Murray-

Thanks Citygirl.
I just got off the phone with my mom. I told her and I feel a little better. She cried and seemed upset but told me what any mom would tell her daughter. "I deserve better and I'm young and pretty and will find someone who doesn't make me hurt so bad."
I hope she's right.

Your story has really helped me so much! I wish we could meet for a drink and cry together. It helps to talk to someone who's in the same situation. But I do have great friends, and although they are all happily committed, I will try my best to go out tonight and have fun.
I know I am only on day 2, but I've seen it coming for a few weeks now. I just didn't want to admit it. It almost feels better knowing....Now I can start the heeling proccess and stop clinging on to false hope.

I just feel so lonely and lost.

This is so hard. I have been with him almost evey Saturday for the last 4 years... Something seems missing. I feel like I'm being punished for loving somebody. I don't know if love is worth the risk. People tell me that one day I will meet the right person and my fear of being hurt will subside. I want to believe them.

Thank you again for being there for me in this small way. Thank you to everyone here who has posted their advise on how to deal with a broken heart! Even the posts that were not directly geared towards me have helped tremendously.

I hope you have a nice day. Have fun ice skating!

We'll be ok.

 
Old 01-21-2006, 02:00 PM   #4
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Re: To Murray-

Hey-
I know what you mean about there being a void. I talked to mine every single consecutive day starting from when we first SPOKE, up until he said 'I need space'. That was really hard. The whole thing was just too much to bear, it was like you're used to this pattern of comfort and then it just stops cold-turkey, like the person died.
I also know about your wish to meet and talk, haha there are so many people on here that I wish I could meet up and talk to, I feel like we'd all be great friends.
I saw the end coming too, it was just too fast. It started around early-mid Oct. So, a month, total. He said that it seemed to him a lot longer than that, but I think he was lying, because he never showed it to me, he was always the same loving guy. He also said that when everytihng in your life is stressful and going negatively, everything else seems to be. Well! This is what I thought all along until this new girl, and he doesnt look stressed or depressed to me in those pictures! Clearly he didnt feel stresed and depressed enough to not start up a new rltsp! (Sorry, getting angry again). I agree with you that love doesnt seem worth the risk of this pain. To me, a month of throwing someone away you've been together so long with is absurd. I know I wasnt married to the guy, but I felt like I was going to be. I would have married him tomorrow (and probably made a huge mistake). I guess for me I would have really thought it out like if I was married, you know? And really fought to make it work, and that was what I was doing...but it goes to show that his feelings just changed for me and he didnt find it worth all that.
I keep thinking back to our happy times when we met in college, and even though that was almost 2.5 years ago for me, it feels like an ETERNITY. I feel like I am so much older and have progressed so much more than then, so it makes it seem like me and him were together through so much- and of course we were. I guess I just need to focus on the fact that Im 23 and he was only in my life for a short time, as special as that time was.
Im glad you told your mom and will confide in your friends. Otherwise, you will feel even MORE lonely and lost. I remember the first two weeks or so of this for me, I felt extremely empty...just like there was nothing inside of me, nothing that makes you usually tick (emotions, love, laughter, anger). There was just...nothing. So feeling what you are feeling is normal. And we will be OK. I am doing better already once I got off the huge shock of the female dental friend turned 'new thing'. I could relapse again, but as long as I have good days here and there and not every day is horrible, that is good!
The one thing i HAVE noticed is that I have become extremely messy, haha. I cannot bring myself to do any chores (laundry), clean, organize...I am not sure why but that is starting to get to me. I could do it before this new development, but as of this week, I havent been able to do it... When Im not out running around, at work or class, I am laying in bed on the laptop with the TV on (as I am right now). So I hope I snap out of this soon.
I agree w/ you- we WILL be ok. It will take some time, probably a long time. I still compare every single guy on the street to him, and no one is even close. Part of me still struggles with the idea of him ever coming back and what I would do, and I need to STOP that. Hes not going to.
I think that I am one of these people who believes very stongly in 'love everlasting' and that once its there and it is there as strong and intense as I knew it was for us, it doesnt just go away. My ex is an example of it just really 'going away'. So because I am so huge on that idea of love being unconditional and long-lasting, I think that is another reason why I am hurt this deeply and feel so rejected, lost and tossed aside.
I think you are doing extremely well. I have no doubt that you will even progress better and quicker than I have. Keep posting, I really enjoy helping each other out, and that goes for everyone else as well.

 
Old 01-22-2006, 10:37 AM   #5
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Re: To Murray-

Sorry citygirl, I just hijacked your thread again... I forgot about this one

Here's my post again....

Hi Citygirl. I'm glad you went out and had fun. Who cares if he calls or doesn't call... Its a nice little ego boost and God knows we both need that.

I wish I could say my night was as fun, but it wasn't. The friends I was going to go out with were all going to meet at my apartment because I live down town and they all live in the suburbs. They were all going to meet at my place and then we were going to take cabs to where we were going. Well, some people were late and by the time everyone got to my place, everyone seemed content just hanging out and drinking at my apartment. Of coarse they were content, they were all couples (except my roomate who is going through a divorce but is seeing someone). I got all dressed up, got my hair done, and really tried hard to work myself up to the idea of having a good time only to sit at my apartment and listen to my married friends talk about the vacations they are taking this year and the houses they are buying. I went to my bathroom and cried for 20 minutes with nobody even noticing. I wanted to call him so bad. I wanted him to come over, put his arms around me, and tell me it will all be ok. I wanted him to be sitting at the table with everyone talking about the plans we had for our future just a few short weeks ago. I would had done anything to have him call and say he missed me. But I didn't call him. I knew it wouldn't make anything better.
So today, I have a huge mess to clean up and then, I don't know. It's not a good day. I was doing so well yesterday, but today I can't even bring myself to move.
I know there will be days like this. I just want it to pass.

Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and I know they don't mean to hurt me. I don't expect their lives to be put on hold because my heart is broken. If they are excited about their vacations with their boyfriends, their first house, their marriage, they should be able to talk about it. But couldn't they have just given me one night? That's all I asked... Just one night of trying to have fun without thinking about the life I just lost, much less having it flaunted in front of my face.
I feel hurt by not only him, but them too now.

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, I know. Do you have any tips for me? How can I snap out of this and feel better? Even if it's just a little better...

Last edited by Murray67980; 01-22-2006 at 10:40 AM.

 
Old 01-22-2006, 11:07 AM   #6
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Re: To Murray-

Hi Sophia,
I saw your reply to me on citygirls' thread, I just didn't want to take over...
Thank you for understanding where I am coming from.
I do want to meet new friends, but it's difficult. I think I am a fun person and I have a huge heart, but for some reason I find it hard to meet "good" friends.
I go to school full time and have a full time job so it leaves me little time for hobbies. But I was thinking of maybe trying to look into some sort of volunteering. I love animals, maybe I can volunteer at a shelter or something on Sundays. If I meet people, great, if not at least I will be doing something that makes me feel good. Now if only I can pick up the peices of my heart and make myself get off my butt and do something....
I feel so stupid because just less than a month ago I was also sitting with my friends talking about my future and how happy I was, about to move in with my boyfriend. I even bought new $300 sheets for "our bed"... Did I sound like them? Did single people listen to me and feel like I feel now? I learned something... If I am ever happy again, I will not talk about it in front of people who aren't. I never knew how much it hurts....

 
Old 01-22-2006, 11:15 AM   #7
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Re: To Murray-

Please! Dont worry about taking over, thats what its there for- support. I responded to you on that thread, but dont feel like you're taking over...I just created this one in case you wanted one especially for you I dont mind either way!

 
Old 01-22-2006, 11:26 AM   #8
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Re: To Murray-

You know, I can relate to what you said Murray. Its not quite the same as feeling like you shouldnt talk about your rltsp in front of single people, but a month and a half before we broke up, I was telling my friends how close we were and how happy I was. I even told acquaintances how we were talking about marriage and I just knew it would happen...I guess thats what I get for counting my chickens. All of it was true and I had a lot of confidence in it, so I cant blame myself. Still...it hurts. So I know how you feel about feeling sort of stupid. I feel very embarassed, I probably look like a fool to these people, they probably pity me- here I am going on and on about how wonderful our rltsp was and how we'd tie the knot, and 6 weeks later he ditches me...its hard. There goes my pride again. Oh well...nothing I can do now.

 
Old 01-22-2006, 11:38 AM   #9
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Re: To Murray-

Amen CG!

Earlier on in the DAY that my bf broke up with me i was talking to my mom about how we were working on paying off some debt so then we could save money and buy our own place. And about how great of a father he would be someday and a great husband and about when we were going to get married, sigh....

Last edited by steakie46; 01-22-2006 at 11:38 AM.

 
Old 01-22-2006, 12:06 PM   #10
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Re: To Murray-

Oh I'm so glad I'm not the only one who feels this stupidity. I didn't just think we were going to get married, I knew we were. What a dummy!
We were even looking at puppies right before Christmas. He almost bought me one but we decided to wait until I moved in so we could share the training responsibilities.
This is so not fair. I didn't assume anything. I was promised things and he assured me over and over that he would never hurt me again (we broke up for similar reasons last year, but not for long). After the first time, he came back stronger than ever. That's when he started all the marriage talk... He came back saying that he made a mistake letting me go because he was scared. He was so in love with me. Once when he was dropping me off at the airport (I was only going to be gone for a week), he cried and said he loved me so much it hurts. This was right after we got back together and I knew his tears were tears of happiness for getting a second chance. I believed him! My family believed him! He even told his family we were going to get married. We were only waiting to get engaged to save up some money and for me to finish school (which will be in May).
I do feel so stupid and naive....

 
Old 01-22-2006, 12:48 PM   #11
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Re: To Murray-

Murray- When you said you didnt just think you'd get married, u knew- same here. Really did just know, and feel naive and stupid and foolish and embarassed. Its ok though, cause at least I was honest, unlike him, so try to remember that.

Now, Im glad I didnt marry him for the reasons below:


Im finally back to where I was! Had a conversation with good friend. We agreed on how selfish he is and how it is etter this way. Hes not who I thought he was yes, and it is devastating, but I think that better yet- he is not who HE thought he was. It was easier for him to give me up than to change.

I will never take mine back. He is inherently selfish, egotistical, and thinks he's some religious saint who does no wrong. He took and took all I had to give him and when it came down to giving, it wasn't happening. It was always about HIM. I think he needs people that make him feel good, and that is why he left me- not about culture, relig, or dental stress (such crap). I think I made him realize how selfish he really was when I started to complain how he took me for granted, and it made him feel bad about himself, so he left. He needs someone submissive who will give him everything as I did, yet NOT expect it back. I think I put him on a pedastool and he idolizes himself too it seems. As much as he treated me well I think I looked at his religious morals and persona as something that was like god's gift, and he took that and ran with it. And while he really did treat me amazingly well and its hard to mourn the loss of that, he hurt me very badly and then was self-righteous aout it. Plus, when push come to shove, he didnt want to do things for me when I needed them if it conflicted with his 'wants', and he was never appreciative of all I sacrificed for him. Good luck to him in the future!! All in all, thats a pretty big 'con' if you cant give someone you love so much some equality. That girl can have him, if she can put up with the inequality than she is half the woman that I am because no one should be taken advantage like that. I was not religious, but I give more everyday to the human race than he ever has in his lifetime with what I do in my profession and eveyday life. So if anyone comes out of this as someone that should be missed, its me! Haha. I shouldn't miss him, its his loss.

I am better without him. I like this place I'm at!

 
Old 01-22-2006, 01:02 PM   #12
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Re: To Murray-

Good Citygirl! Sounds like you are doing great today!
He will miss you and realize how selfish he was and what a big mistake he made. Then it will be his turn to feel the pain of loosing someone you love.
I think that will happen with mine too... I just hope that when it does I will be as strong as you are now and not want him back.
Right now I would still do anything to be with him....

I feel a little better than earlier. I actually got off the chair and put on a pair of jeans and shoes. I look like hell, but I'm only going to my parent's house. At least I'm getting out of here. Snuggleing with my dog, Murray, always helps! At least he loves me...

These boards have helped tremendously! Every time I start to feel really bad, I just sit at my computer and read other people's stories of heart break, success, happiness, etc. and I realize that this is a part of life and it will pass. I hope.
Thank you!

 
Old 01-22-2006, 01:09 PM   #13
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Re: To Murray-

Hey girls

Sorry I haven't been around for a few days but yesterday my nana died so I haven't really been up to doing much I'm ok, she was 90 years old and she had been ill and in hospital for a while but it was still a shock that she's actually gone.

I've been skimming through some of the posts.
Murray - I'm so sorry you're going through this pain, I know how much it hurts, be rest assured I'm going through the same thing (albeit I was dumped 7 weeks ago and found out about new girl 3 weeks ago). I'm still hurting but it does get better. We were together nearly 4 years and I'm still trying to adjust to life without him. Please don't feel stupid - any mistakes we have made we will learn from them but it is NOT stupid to love someone! I loved mine (and still do) with all my heart. You can't switch it on and off (although some men like to pretend like they can.)

I know how confused you are all feeling - especially you citygirl and steakie. Mine was talking of how great it would be when we lived together, he had so much of it drawn out in his head. He knew what our house would look like, what each of us would do-he would have his music room and I could choose the colours for all the rooms, we would have 2 children and a cat! And this was all him saying this stuff! and a MONTH before he dumped me! It really doesn't make sense to me at all! When we broke up he even said that he DID want all that stuff and never lied to me, and I believed him when he said it as well. But who knows why people can change so seemingly quickly-it's defies human logic.

God these men are so stupid for letting us go. I was shopping the other day and went in the Disney store (I love Disney!) and was getting all excited and cuddling all the teddies and then all of a sudden I got really sad. It reminded me of how I used to get all excited about Disney and when he would buy me little teddies if he was out because he thought of me and smiled. It made me sad and I felt like I missed him. What I actually felt after was - "god what is HE missing out on." He used to say that I was the sweetest person ever and how he loved to see me so happy. And then I realised that - YEAH! I am a sweet and lovely person! What a stupid idiot he is for letting go a wonderful woman like me. It made me feel good to think like that and I kinda felt a bit smug because I am still ME and myself and my family and friends are the ones who are gonna benefit from my sweetness and happiness and I still get to be around ME (if that makes sense!) whereas he doesn't get to be around me and benefit from all my wonderful qualities! So I blew him an imaginary raspberry in my head!

Hugs to you all
Chins up!
Ra xx

 
Old 01-23-2006, 08:56 AM   #14
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Re: To Murray-

Hi raaar.
Thanks for the post. I am very sorry to hear about your grandma

My ex said the same kind of things to me and when he dumped me he also said that he meant every word at the time and never lied. This made me feel worse though. I rather think that he used and decived me. Otherwise, how do I trust again? If I ever fall in love again, I fear that I will worry every day that this will be the day he just stops loving me. I feel like there is no winning in this situation.
I wish I could fast forward time and get over this pain....

Last edited by Murray67980; 01-23-2006 at 08:59 AM.

 
Old 01-23-2006, 09:55 AM   #15
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Re: To Murray-

aww sweetie

I know how you feel, I sometimes wish I could just wake up one day and feel all better and cured from this pain. It's so hard for me to know what life will be like and what life is supposed to be like. I was 17 when we got together so practically my entire social and adult life has been with him. I don't really know how to be single! as stupid as that sounds.

It does seem at the moment that every little thing reminds me of him, today I had to pick up my neighbour's little girls from school and look after them until their mum came home. Even that made me sad as it reminded me that we wanted to have our own children together one day and we had even talked about what we would call them and what they would look like and what each of us would do with them. It sounds really sad and pathetic but I can't believe that I won't be sharing that with him
I also feel angry because now I imagine him having children with his new girlfriend and being super happy with her (even though they have only been together about a month). It feels like this girl has stolen my life and my future. It makes me so upset and I feel so rejected-like he's completely forgotten I ever existed and that me and our relationship meant so little that he only gave himself a couple of weeks before he moved onto someone else. I don't understand it
I think citygirl and steakie both said that they felt so upset at imagining their exs doing the same things they did together with their new girls. It's so horrible-I have imagined mine taking her to the same pubs we went to, taking her to meet his family, cuddling her on the sofa watching tv, intimate stuff. It hurts so bad It's like I have just been replaced without a thought.

Sorry having a bad day today

Hugs
Ra
x

 
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