As I always resort to you guys for help, I would really appreciate your thoughts here. I have come to realise that I am losing my passions and ambitions to a dull and emotionally unfulfilling lifestyle. I honestly feel like a housewife already. I go to work in the morning, come back to tidy up and cook, open my PhD articles and then itís bedtime again!!!!!! Strange for a student in a foreign and exciting country to feel like that, right?!
I am becoming increasingly frustrated with the person that I have become: very laid back and not bothered about pursuing certain targets I once fought to achieve. I guess my self-esteem has suffered a massive blow with my ex and my current relationship is not making me feel much better. Dave can easily go into one of these low moods, and can be very stubborn sometimes. He said that he went to a chat site few days ago and that he was talking to girls about football
! To girls?? I mean I know itís innocent but why to do it only when I am out? Anyway, I decided to let him taste his own medicine and put my profile up on a dating site
haha (havenít subscribed and I donít intend to so he knows that I am not serious but only curious), and I had like 70 winks and 40 emails over 2 days, my profile has been viewed like 500 times.. some of the guys who responded are really attractive. Well, I was honest and I told him and he knows that itís only a joke.
The thing is despite all the attention I have and more so in real life, I think of myself as very inconfident! My PhD supervisor says that he wants me to break the shell that I live in , my boss says his mission in life is to make me less quiet.
I guess this feeling of low self-worth is the product of severely negative past experiences that I had. I hate to think about those days but I remember that once, I mentioned a male friend to my ex, and he hit me so hard on my face that my nose started bleeding so heavily and my eyes went swollen and black that I struggled to open them in the morning, which was my first morning in work!ÖThree years on and with a new man, like a frightened animal, I unconsciously carried inside this fear of speaking openly and honestlyÖI lost a lot of weight and couldnít put it back.
I canít completely divorce myself from my abusive pastÖand this is negatively and unfairly affecting my relationship with Dave. I sometimes break down in tears for no reason.
Needless to say, I had a lot of counselling straight after my violent break-up.
However, I would appreciate any thoughts on how I might start to love and appreciate myself better (and therefore love and appreciate my partner better).