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Old 01-21-2006, 01:55 PM   #1
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cinting HB User
He called....

Today he called, after a week. He said he had just got my message from last Sunday, and was calling me back. I said that had been a week ago, and I didn't remember what I wanted. Nothing was mentioned about us, but he did say that he had missed talking to me, and he hadn't told anyone that we weren't talking anymore. When he told me he missed talking to me, he said "I guess that's my choice though". Now what? Any advice?

 
Old 01-21-2006, 02:15 PM   #2
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Re: He called....

My honest advice is that you let your answering machine pick up, or look at the Caller ID and do not answer.
He likes the "single life" right? Why make it any easier by being a "soft place to fall" as Dr. Phil puts it...
I guess that after years of dating I tend more towards "when it's over it's over" rather than working & working at a relationship that needs more work...

 
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Old 01-21-2006, 02:28 PM   #3
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Re: He called....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
My honest advice is that you let your answering machine pick up, or look at the Caller ID and do not answer.
He likes the "single life" right? Why make it any easier by being a "soft place to fall" as Dr. Phil puts it...
I guess that after years of dating I tend more towards "when it's over it's over" rather than working & working at a relationship that needs more work...
Hey Ruth. He did say that he didn't know if I would answer my phone or if I would hang up on him. I didn't know it was him calling, but I would have answered anyway. I do miss him, and I told him that I had kinda missed him too. That may have been a mistake, I shouldn't be so open about my feelings sometimes. But I did act as though I have been really busy lately, which I have been, so he didn't think I had been setting by the phone. We never actually said it was over, I told him he couldn't be with me and still live the single life, and he asked for some time. He did say he likes the single life, but he also said and has said many times that he doesn't like to alone and would like to have a good relationship. I am not going to be available to him whenever he wants though.

 
Old 01-21-2006, 02:38 PM   #4
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Re: He called....

Ruth is really right on this--some women seem to have a tendency to put up with way less than the quality of treatment, time together, and attention that each and every one of us deserves from someone we love. Especially in the early stages of dating, there's just no reason to have to deal with any such obstacles...if a guy isn't on his best behavior while courting you, he'll only continue to escalate whatever disrespect he's showing you as things get more serious and/or formally committed. Dating is supposed to be a honeymoon period when we all put our best faces forward and make a strong effort to win each other over...if a man doesn't treat you like gold from the start and throughout the first year of dating, there is virtually no chance he'll treat you like gold anytime after that should you stay with him. Yet it seems like a lot of women meet guys who aren't that interested, are maybe just lukewarm, or who just don't know how to treat a woman right and because they like the guy and want to have a boyfriend, they'll try to make things work when they really need to be more picky, stand up for themselves more, and refuse to tolerate anything but top notch treatment from any guys they date. Relationships are hard enough work, particularly when they are long-lasting, that the early stages should be blissful and smooth, and both parties should be trying really hard to impress and please each other. If you have found the right person, there's just no way the relationship should be having problems and needing work to keep on track after only a matter of months. If it does have major issues after such a short time, it's a huge red flag and a really obvious sign that the couple is not well-suited to each other. Don't ever sell yourselves short, ladies--you are all wonderful women who deserve nothing but the best treatment from any guy who is lucky enough to date you .

 
Old 01-21-2006, 02:47 PM   #5
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cinting HB User
Re: He called....

Thank you Veronica Mars. I agree with you totally, that is why when I noticed he was acting different toward me, it did make me doubt, and I tried to talk to him about it. I guess the reason I am confused about what I should do is because I know about his past hurt, (it was bad), and I know that it really does terrify him to feel close to someone or think about getting deeply involved again. He has told me that he cares alot about me, and when he starts to have those feelings, something happens and he feels he can't go any further, he is scared to death of loving again and taking the chance on being hurt again. But I do know that I can't be just his friend, not right now and maybe not ever, so do I talk to him if he calls again, do I ask what is going on, or just play it cool?

 
Old 01-21-2006, 04:31 PM   #6
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Re: He called....

Well, excuse me, but you were hurt badly too! I remember your story about the previous boyfriend. And now this one, knowing how badly the ex hurt you, is pulling this crap on you. I hate people who say "Oh, I miss you so much, blah, blah, blah" and yet make no effort to be with you. I don't know, but I think if he continues to call you without making his intentions about being in a relationship clear, it will just keep confusing you more and more. I would probably tell him not to call until he knows what he wants. It's not like you're asking him to marry you---you just want to have a boyfriend--a VERY reasonable expectation, in my opinion.

 
Old 01-21-2006, 04:48 PM   #7
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Re: He called....

I would advise that you ignore his calls from now on and concentrate on finding someone who doesn't have any excuses or inhibitions preventing him from treating you like a precious priority. To some degree, I agree with that book "He's Just Not That Into You" when it says that when guys want to be with you, they make it very, very clear that you're important to them and that they are fully committed to being together. Anything else or less is just an excuse, and while this is just an opinion and I'm very sorry to be so blunt, I think that with the right woman, this guy wouldn't have his past baggage serve as an obstacle to becoming close and intimate. I just can't help but think you deserve better than he's shown, and he's already exhausted his best behavior, so your smartest move now is probably to move on and find the right guy for you, because I don't believe you've met him yet. Good luck sweetie and take good care!

 
Old 01-21-2006, 04:54 PM   #8
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Re: He called....

Should I ask what his intentions are, why he is calling?

 
Old 01-21-2006, 05:04 PM   #9
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Re: He called....

My instinct is to say no, don't talk to him, and just move on cleanly, but ultimately, only you know what is the best choice for you. But remember, there's no reason to hold onto a guy who isn't everything you want and need...it's much better to be unattached and be able to open your heart to Mr. Right when he comes along than to ever sell yourself short or settle for less than the high quality, mutually respectful relationship you so deserve .

 
Old 01-21-2006, 06:48 PM   #10
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Re: He called....

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
Should I ask what his intentions are, why he is calling?
I wouldn't ask that, either. I think if he meant something real, he would let you know what his intentions are, without you having to ask. HE was the one who wanted the single life to continue. I think you should blow him off untill and unless he has something good to offer.

 
Old 01-21-2006, 06:51 PM   #11
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Re: He called....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Veronica_Mars
My instinct is to say no, don't talk to him, and just move on cleanly, but ultimately, only you know what is the best choice for you. But remember, there's no reason to hold onto a guy who isn't everything you want and need...it's much better to be unattached and be able to open your heart to Mr. Right when he comes along than to ever sell yourself short or settle for less than the high quality, mutually respectful relationship you so deserve .
Hmm, I think it's true--if we ALL stopped putting up with BS, the men would have no choice but to treat us like gold, right? After all, they usually need us more than we need them, in a physical sense at least.

 
Old 01-21-2006, 08:00 PM   #12
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Re: He called....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Veronica_Mars
My instinct is to say no, don't talk to him, and just move on cleanly, but ultimately, only you know what is the best choice for you. But remember, there's no reason to hold onto a guy who isn't everything you want and need...it's much better to be unattached and be able to open your heart to Mr. Right when he comes along than to ever sell yourself short or settle for less than the high quality, mutually respectful relationship you so deserve .

Cinting, I know your first instict upon reading VM's advice above would probably be "well gee, if I never give a guy a chance, I'll never find anyone!" And some "experts" have said that following the advice in He's Just Not That Into You will only lead to being alone. But sometimes, the hardest thing to do is the right thing. Like it says in that good book, HJNTIY, "the only reason he CAN miss you is because he's CHOOSING, every day, not to be with you." It may sound sweet and drippy when he says he misses you, but you must remember that he doesn't have to miss you. He can see you whenever he wants, he just doesn't want. Don't fall for it. i know everyone's probably sick of hearing my one story, but I'm gonna tell it one more time . My ex came on pretty strong at first, telling me he was falling in love with me after three weeks, then he pulled away, poured it on, then pulled away, waited till I finally said "I love you" to take his "I love you" back, then loved me again, then needed space, then was crazy about me, then left me, then didn't know what he was thinking, left me again, etc etc. Two years of this crap. Well, all the hanging in there and hoping and rationalizing and trying did nothing. He left. And the mutual friend (the moderators don't like my abbreviating this, so I'll spell it out!) told me that when he met the woman he married, it happened very fast. They knew each other for a while, then when they made the decison to start dating, it took off instantly and they were living together in a matter of a few short months. Fear of intimacy, fear of getting hurt again, fear of commitment, blah blah, they're all excuses. The most commitment-phobic man in the world will get on the straight and narrow when he meets the right one. You can't let it get you down. Live your life to suit you, and he can come along and be a part of it or not. And if not, then you don't need to waste anymore of your time on him, or let him waste anymore of your time.

 
Old 01-21-2006, 08:42 PM   #13
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Re: He called....

Wow, Hiya, I am so proud of you! You have come so far since we've known you here . Your advice is awesome, and every word rings true...I just hope you know that everything we say applies just as much to you as to any other woman. And you are as loving, big-hearted, kind, and caring as anyone I know, as are many other women here...honestly, I don't think any of the women currently posting about men who are putting them through the wringer emotionally have to worry about being too cold, harsh, or quick to write the guys off. All of you have given the guys you're posting about chance after chance to demonstrate their dedication to you and your relationship, and time and time again, they have failed to capitalize on these opportunities. At some point, for your own well-being, you have to draw the line and just end it. Sometimes it seems like people who are in love resist this as long as humanly possible, telling themselves they don't want to do anything that would infringe on their partner/ex's chances to come back begging for a reconciliation. But even when we want the relationship to work and do everything we can to make it work while the other person is pulling away, sometimes we have to end a relationship for our own good even when we don't want to, because the other person is forcing our hand but too cowardly to tell us once and for all that it's over.

Like I said with my painful breakup last year, which was my first experience with a guy leaving me and with being heartbroken, at first he pulled away gradually and wasn't quite sure what he wanted to do as far as the future of our relationship was concerned. We had lived together since we met, and I was so distraught that one day he walked out and rented a room for a week or two, then moved home, then after promising that everything was okay, that we'd still be together forever like we always said, etc., he left again. At that point I knew I couldn't put myself through anymore uncertainty and upheaval...it physically felt like it was killing me. Even though I still love him more than any man I've ever loved or can envision loving in the future, the day he walked out for the second time, I vowed that there would never, ever be another chance for us, no matter how much he begged or pleaded or crawled on his knees desperate for forgiveness. Not like that was going to happen, which is really quite sad because I think he was even harder hit by the breakup than I was, being a lot more sensitive and less tough...we were also both devastated that my chronic pain, his unhappiness and uncertainty about his direction in life, and various family members' influence and interference efforts, some of which were concerted and deliberately manipulative from the start to the end of our relationship. It was all very tragic and while I still miss him like crazy and occasionally feel my heart breaking all over again at the thought of going on without my ex, I knew that we had no future, and that if I held out hope to the contrary, no matter how much I wanted to, that I wouldn't ever truly be able to heal or move on with my life, and deep down, I knew that I would date, have relationships, and even date again because I genuinely adore men and treasure their company. I guess what I'm trying to say to all of you wonderful and amazingly brave, strong women is that sometimes you have to be the one to draw the final line in the sand even when you're not the one that wants the relationship to end.

Again, Hiya, I can't truly put into words how much I admire you and how proud I am to see how far you have come, even if you may not realize it or feel appreciably better than you did a year or two ago. Your advice is so wise and so strong that you are a great, consistent, and reliable inspiration and source of insight for everyone who visits this board. You are a remarkably intelligent, sensitive, and wonderful woman who deserves love and happiness as much as anyone I've ever come across...while you may have effectively given up on finding true and lasting love, I will never give up on this kind of love blessing you. I bet it will happen when you least expect it, as there is just no way that a woman with so much love to give will go her whole life without receiving genuine, caring, reliable, and consistent love in return from a man worthy of a woman as wise, lovely, sweet, and sensitive as you, Nini. Your friends here all love you so much that if we could bottle that and send it to you, I bet it would be almost as good as having a real life Mr. Nini by your side every night and every morning. That really is a special thing, and if there is any fairness or justice in the world, you will get to experience it before long. Since I absolutely adore sex and think it's the best thing, by far, about being alive, I also hope you get to experience a wonderful and mutually satisfying sex life with a man you love, whether or not you are formally married. Whoever came up with the notion that it's somehow wrong or bad to have sex outside of marriage with a partner you care about, when you are taking pains to be responsible, was a pretty stupid, small-minded, and mean-spirited person to want to deny anyone such an exhilarating, mind-blowing experience. I will never, ever, give up on the idea of you getting to experience love and sex with an amazing man who is truly deserving of you...I just know it will happen soon for you!!

 
Old 01-21-2006, 09:00 PM   #14
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Re: He called....

Yes, Hiya, I am rooting for you, too! I also know it will happen for you. It's actually funny, I'm not even sure if I ever get to experience love, but somehow, I KNOW you will. You just have an amazing spirit in you, Nini. Your ex was such a stupid idiot for not recognizing it.

 
Old 01-21-2006, 09:20 PM   #15
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Hiya HB User
Re: He called....

Well, thanks Stacy and Sophia, I'm in tears over your sweet posts, though I'm not feeling particularly deserving of your praise right now. Actually having a bad night, what with too little sleep, too much caffeine, too much pmsing, and having to listen to too much sad country music at work, God, right now, "How you can you just walk on by, without one tear in your eye, don't you have the slightest feeling left for me? Maybe that's just your way of dealing with the pain, forgetting everything between our rise and fall, like we never loved at all." Times like these when never having known love at all, knowing that I was the only woman who was nothing special to the only man I ever had the chance to love, really jacks me up. I'm quite prepared to apply my own advice to any future experiences that may come my way, in fact, I have I think. I will not budge on going out with the guy I knew five year back that the mutual friend ended up rooming with, even though the mutual friend yelled and cursed at me when he asked me why not and I simply told him the truth. I have cut off almost all contact with the mutual friend as well since that incident. I simply have no need to be around someone who holds me in such low regard, and won't even listen to me when I try to let him know how he disrespected me. Unfortunatley, at least in my case, this newly found strength and wisdom does not seem to be retroactive and I just can't seem to apply it to my ex. Even though my head knows that he most likely wasn't the one, at least not at that time, he still is a good man who is a wonderful husband and step father, and my heart simply can't get over him not wanting me. Which is why I do think there is a window of opportunity to these kinds of things. I think cinting did such a great job getting over her ex, I'm so impressed and proud of her, and I'd love to see her handle this new guy with strength and self assurance, and deal with all men in a similar fashion from now on, cause I'm here to tell you just how much it sucks to have to live with a "gee, I wish I knew then what I know now, then I wouldnt' be stuck with something I can't recover from."

Last edited by Hiya; 01-21-2006 at 09:21 PM.

 
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