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Old 01-21-2006, 07:22 PM   #1
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ann3333 HB User
Need some advice!

My last year of high school was nearly two years ago and I had met this boy. After I graduated I broke up with my boyfriend to be with this boy and we got along great. We had tons in common aside from one thing: affection. I liked to be treated like a girlfriend and cuddle and get flowers and everything. But when I was with him I felt like we were friends with benifets. I tried talking with im about it again and again but it would lead to fights and we'd break up. Over the course of a year and a half of dating, I lost count of how many times we broke up. I said he had affection issues, he said I had communication issues. Finally, I decided to try and move on, even though I was positive I loved him. It's been three months and I'm currently dating a new boy, who, to be honest, isn't the brightest candle on the cake and we have virtually nothing in common. And he bothers me more than anything. But he cuddles and gives me affection. My ex has been trying repeadedly to get me back and even tried dating other girls, but he wants only me. He says he understands that he needs to be affectionate now, and that he's willing to work on it if I work on my communication skills. I want to be with him again because I do love him, but I'm afraid that it'll go back to the way it was. This is the longest we've ever been apart and I'm still not over him. What should I do?! And if I should break it off with the other kid...how do I do it?

 
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Old 01-21-2006, 07:46 PM   #2
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GypsyArcher HB User
Re: Need some advice!

Quote:
We had tons in common aside from one thing: affection. I liked to be treated like a girlfriend and cuddle and get flowers and everything. But when I was with him I felt like we were friends with benifets.
Some guys just simply are not the touchy-feely type, and it isn't anything personal. Even some of us ladies are that way, too. I personally don't like much cuddling or hand-holding because I have this thing where I require certain amounts of personal space. My boyfriend likes to practically sit on top of me on his sofa and wrap his arm around me when we sleep, which only serves to make me feel like I'm being kept prisoner. On the couch and in the bed I need at least a good half-foot of space. The flower thing...well, I don't care much for flowers and consider them pretty extraneous. I think if a boyfriend is going to get me a gift it should be something useful, like a milkshake. Have you actually expressed to him that you would like to receive flowers or some other such gift every once in awhile? If you have and he never took the hint, then that is just being unthoughtful. But if you have not said anything to him then you cannot expect him to read your mind.

Quote:
It's been three months and I'm currently dating a new boy, who, to be honest, isn't the brightest candle on the cake and we have virtually nothing in common.
*LOL* Love it. I don't know about you, but I could never date someone I did not respect intellectually. Regardless of what happens with the ex, I don't think this particular guy is the one for you. Just tell him that you don't think it will work out, as you don't have anything in common.

I almost want to suggest that you should give your ex another try. I can't see where he actually did anything wrong, besides being a guy, but you can't always hold that against them. But the fact that you broke up only to get back together so many times doesn't sound very good...it is almost seems to be a vicious cycle. Maybe you could give it one more try...and if you feel that it isn't working, then go your separate ways for good.

 
Old 01-21-2006, 08:08 PM   #3
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Eath HB User
Re: Need some advice!

As seen here, affection/love is communication. You appear to see love more as being communication of 'certain things' eg, cuddles, flowers.... whereas he appears to see it more as 'improving communication'.

What will improve communication is for you both to understand that love to the other is not necessarily the same as love to you, and to try to express love the way the other wants to be loved. This may seem awkward and faltering at times, but such is the expression of love.

 
Old 01-21-2006, 08:20 PM   #4
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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cookiepls HB User
Re: Need some advice!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ann3333
I said he had affection issues, he said I had communication issues.
He has agreed that he has affection issues. Do you agree that you have communication issues? If you do, have you determined what they are?
And if he's willing to work on being more affectionate, are you willing to learn better communication skills?

If you're both willing to do your part, there's a chance you could work it out. Good communication skills gives you both a better understanding of each other. In other words, less fighting, fewer misunderstandings, and no need for break ups.

 
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