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Old 01-28-2006, 10:48 AM   #1
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need opinions here...


Hi everyone!! i hope everyone is having a fantastic weekend. For those of you who have been reading my earlier posts ,heres an update. I went to see my friend i will call him ken, Friday. It was nice. I made dinner, brought dessert and a movie. We saw the 40 yr old birgin HAHA FUNNY!!!! I also decided to do some sneaky checking. This is the fourth time I have met with ken. Anyway I sent him a message under a different screenname. basically asked him if he wanted to meet on Friday. i said friday because that is the nights we get together, he wrote back and said he cant has to work. But maybe saturday. Ok so i wrote and said maybe. Then i ck the email this morning and there was 3 messages in my mailbox from him,to the other screenname asking to get together sat or sun because he will be free. (doesnt have his kids this weekend) and he knows i cant be coming down. My question is this. I talked to him about sleeping around i said i dont do it. He told me he isnt looking to date or sleep around. of course he will tell me this. So me seeing him emailing and trying to meet this invisible women I created..makes me think two things. One he doesnt want to lose me, and two he is still playing the field to see whats out there. Which i am ok with after all i only seen him 4 times.And i go there every friday come home on saturday we do have a great time together. So tell me... why is it he wishes to keep me around? yet still is interested in seeing others? Just curious. Just wondering if i really have a chance with him or if he has no plans at all to build any kind of relationship with me. Like i said i really like him.I think that when we are together we get along so good. Laugh talk whatever,i guess he is keeping his options open??? any input would ease my mind some. Good or bad.
I have decided to not call him, not be available all the time. i am keeping myself busy with my kids and my life. i enjoy our fridays but i hope one day it will be more.. am i kidding myself here?????
rachel

 
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Old 01-28-2006, 11:32 AM   #2
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Re: need opinions here...

Quote:
Originally Posted by RachelMichelle
So tell me... why is it he wishes to keep me around? yet still is interested in seeing others? :
The answer to this particular question was given by many to you in your previous posts when you described what you were doing. Most said that you are a willing partner is a friends with benefits arrangement. Most said that if you go to bed the first time you meet someone, then you go to bed with them every time you see them, that you will have a hard time knowing just what is what.

He is not really using you for sex as you have said are a willing partner in that arrangement. But it is clearly not a deeply emotional bond, which is what you said you like to think you feel whenn you have sex with someone.

Why does he keep you around? Sex once a week and a bit of conversation. If that is what you want, you seem to have found a good match. If you want something deeper, I suggest looking back on all the advice offered a few weeks ago on what you may want to consider doing and not doing in order to have a clearer mind about what this relationship is (or isn't).

 
Old 01-28-2006, 11:53 AM   #3
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Re: need opinions here...

You are quite sneaky! Heehee! I think that only going out 4 times is too soon to know if he wants to be with you exclusively. Unless the two of you are exclusive then he will probably go out with others. Although he did tell you he didn't want to date others..right? He is kinda misleading you. Still though, the two of you aren't commited to eachother...I think you need to give a little bit more time.
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Old 01-28-2006, 11:54 AM   #4
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Re: need opinions here...

Well, I'm not so concerned about the fact that he made tentative plans with what he thinks is another woman, I'm much more concerned with the fact that it sounds like he wasn't entirely honest with you about it. He said he's not interested in dating anyone else and isn't making plans to see or sleep with anyone else, when obviously that's not true. This is just me, but I'm a real stickler for the truth. I hate being lied to more that pretty much anything else. I think if he's seeing other people, he should tell you. We can only guess at what's in his head as far as how he feels about you and why he "keeps you around" but if he's ok with lying to you, that's usually a pretty good indicator that he's not really looking right now to build a good, solid, real relationship based on trust and mutual respect, because you can't do that and lie at the same time. I'd also say although I totally understand why you did what you did and don't judge you, it may be time to stop the tricks and games. But now that you know he's seeing other people, and that it's now sort of a competition or a waiting game to see if he likes you best, the ball's in your court to decide if that's what you bargained for.

 
Old 01-28-2006, 12:54 PM   #5
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Re: need opinions here...

thanks. i will stick around. i am not going to base my everyday thoughts and life just on him. he can call me. i wont be avalaible. yes we get along great! comfortable with each other. so sure let him see others but he will see that i am a very nice caring woman whom he can be himself with. i also think i am very aptient VERY. yes he lied a bit to me probably most likely i know he is afraid to tell me the truth afraid i will run. hich i wouldnt. as long as i keep my heart open and my mind clear our time together can be special. always is.. thankyou.and no..no more games.

 
Old 01-28-2006, 01:13 PM   #6
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Re: need opinions here...

I am with hiya on the lying thing. People lie because by telling the truth they lose the power of manipulation and control. People that lie do so manipulate others. Offering to brush it off as somehow necessary or understandblle makes you a perfect candidate to be lied to often.

 
Old 01-28-2006, 01:15 PM   #7
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Re: need opinions here...

So Music you are telling me he is using me for sex?and conversation? I hope not. he makes me dinner we watch a movie go out whatever.yes he works alot yes we dont have time everyday day to be together. Yes he porbably is seeing woman closer to him. But if he was using me why not blow me off when he had an opportunity to meet someone on a friday night that lived by him? why because he knows i will sleep with him? that hurts. We talk about everyday life he tells me about his problems and shares things with me. he holds me we have a great time. he calls me during the week.maybe yes it is too early to tell. but maybe just maybe there is a little piece of him that does like me and doesnt want to lose me. i am really trying to be cool in this,.i am not hounding him at all.he helped me when i bought my new car told me to call him so he could give me advice.if he was or is just using me why would he bother with everyday stuff?i met his mom...does that mean anything?? i dunno

 
Old 01-28-2006, 01:25 PM   #8
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Re: need opinions here...

He probably likes you. And as I said, he is not using you for sex as this arangement is also to your liking. He is enjoying your night of discussion, movie watching and sex. Why would he blow you off. He is also open to enjoying the same with other woman. That seems to be okay with you for now so it doesn't yet seem like there is any problem.

 
Old 01-28-2006, 01:46 PM   #9
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Re: need opinions here...

Yes, I think he cares for you, whatever that's worth, but yes, it makes sense to me that since he knows he's going to have a nice time, good company, good sex, why would he give that up for an uncertain time with someone else? Of course he's going to put off the other woman till Saturday or Sunday. Like I said, the only thing I'm concerned with is the fact that he's not being totally honest and up front with you and just tell you, "sorry, I can't get together this weekend because I have a date." Or when you asked him flat out if he wanted or is seeing other people and he said no, when it wasn't true. What it means is anyone's guess. I think he does care for you to some degree, but he's far from making up his mind about you. It does sound to me at this point, you're in a little deeper than he is. I'd be willing to bet a year's pay he's not wondering to this degree if you're seeing other men and what you're thinking and feeling for him. He's probably taking it for what it is to him, a nice time with a nice lady, one of many nice ladies out there that he is interested in seeing.

 
Old 01-28-2006, 03:30 PM   #10
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Re: need opinions here...

Quote:
Originally Posted by RachelMichelle
So Music you are telling me he is using me for sex?and conversation? I hope not. he makes me dinner we watch a movie go out whatever.yes he works alot yes we dont have time everyday day to be together. Yes he porbably is seeing woman closer to him. But if he was using me why not blow me off when he had an opportunity to meet someone on a friday night that lived by him? why because he knows i will sleep with him? that hurts. We talk about everyday life he tells me about his problems and shares things with me. he holds me we have a great time. he calls me during the week.maybe yes it is too early to tell. but maybe just maybe there is a little piece of him that does like me and doesnt want to lose me. i am really trying to be cool in this,.i am not hounding him at all.he helped me when i bought my new car told me to call him so he could give me advice.if he was or is just using me why would he bother with everyday stuff?i met his mom...does that mean anything?? i dunno
While I didn't agree with a lot of the responses on your last thread, because I think many people tend to get uptight and judgmental about other people's sex lives, but with this added information, I am worried about you, and I concur with the advice you've gotten so far on this thread. It just seems like you might be considerably more emotionally attached and invested in this relationship than he is, and I would hate to see you get hurt as a result. On one hand, it sounds like you are happy with things as they are now, but on the other, you also seem to be seeking something more than a casual relationship with someone who isn't honest with you about whether or not he'll be seeing other people. I agree with the other posters that it worries me a lot more that he lied to you about his intentions than the fact that he's still actively pursuing other women over the remainder of each weekend once you leave after Friday night. Are you always the one who does all the driving? Can you tell us what he's told you regarding whether or not he wants to be dating exclusively?

I don't like the lying, but if you were totally fine with a purely noncommittal relationship that is on a casual level and doesn't exclude either of you dating other people, I wouldn't be that concerned about the situation. However, it sounds like you might be getting too far ahead of yourself when it comes to being emotionally attached to him because it sounds like your feelings are deeper than his, and that you may want more out of the relationship than he did. You deserve to be happy and to have the kind of relationship you want, and if you aren't content with a casual, primarily physical relationship, then this might not be a man that you want to continue to develop stronger and stronger feelings for. The fact that you are analyzing little things he does and doesn't do looking for indications that he cares as much as you do also concerns me, because it's more evidence that you're more involved and invested emotionally than he is. Yes, things are still very early on, but it seems that you've already fallen into a pattern together and that he is very happy with the arrangement leaving most of his weekends free to date other women...so if you're not okay with that, you might want to reevaluate this situation before you get more attached and risk getting hurt worse. The longer you stay with him and follow the same pattern, the more you guys will reinforce this pattern, so if it's not a pattern with which you are content, I'd advise you to give some serious thought as to whether you want to continue with it, risk being hurt more the more you get invested in him, and whether you're willing to date a guy who isn't completely honest about his intentions when it comes to dating other women. I just really would hate to see this end up sadly for you, so I hope you protect yourself both physically and emotionally.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's too early to tell whether or not this will develop into anything more than a casual, nonexclusive dating relationship. But if you are counting on that and getting emotionally attached to where the idea of him dating and sleeping with other women bothers you, then this might not be a healthy situation for you, at least not if it continues just the way it's gone so far. Please give this some serious thought and try to be honest with yourself about whether or not you can handle this kind of arrangement without ending up disappointed and hurt if it doesn't develop into anything serious or exclusive. I'm not saying that it won't, but there are also some signs that it might not happen, so you need to decide whether or not you would be content if things stay the way they are now. I think there are a lot of good things about what you have with him now, as well as several promising signs that things might develop further in the future, but there are also multiple red flags in that he's not been honest with you about dating other women, that he only wants to get together once per week, and that you seem to be developing a stronger, quicker emotional attachment than he is. No matter how you want to proceed, just please be careful to guard yourself against any more hurt than you can possibly avoid should things not develop the way you'd hoped. Please don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and refuse to settle for anything less than the kind of relationship you want--if you aren't getting that, and you aren't going to be happy with a man who isn't emotionally invested and committed to you, then you shouldn't waste time with someone if it remains clear that he's only interested in a casual connection. I really hope that everything turns out for the best and that you end up content--that's truly the most important thing, and it sounds like you have great balance in your life, so hopefully you will be happy with your life as a whole no matter how things go with this guy. That said, since you like him, hopefully everything will end up just like you want! Good luck, sweetie, and please keep us posted.

 
Old 01-28-2006, 05:17 PM   #11
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Re: need opinions here...

thankyou veronica. Last night he did say we have seen each other 4 times now.He introduced me to his mom. He helped me when i was purchasing a new car. I do get attached its just me. Yes it is early and yes he did lie, but maybe he is afraid i will run away.maybe he doesnt want that . I do drive there because i live with my mom, he has his own house and gets out of work at 7pm gets home at 8 by time i get there he is just getting home. saturday he goes to work at 1030. he always makes me coffee, we talk in the morning before he goes to work. Like this morning we discussed his health insurance... he said give me a kiss before i left. I am opening up more to the fact that yes he is interested in seeing other woman i cant blame him, we are still new we are not committed. He does like our fridays as much as i do. We talk about work, our kids whatever comes up. He asks me if i think about him i say i do. i am a very emotional lady. cant help that. yes i am falling for him but i have cut way back on the worrying and the phone calls. I think its nice that we can just relax together and snuggle, watch tv talk whatever. i think its nice we dont have to prove anything to one another. I think its nice he has dinner ready for us when i get there. Nice that he makes me feel good. Personally no maybe he isnt ready to commit. Cant blame him there either, he also isnt telling me to get lost. I did leave him a message about getting together on a saturday night and sunday so we shall see. I am not going to rush him push him annoy him or hound him in anyway. Just going to be myself enjoy what we have and be a friend. Yes i care for him am very attracted to him, see me with him. When or if the time ever comes that these fridays do not develope into anything more i will have to walk away. Right now i have to think of my kids. My job and my finances. I am really trying to be mature and open minded, this is my first relationship like this.So its new to me ,i dont know the signs on if he is just using me. If he was then why every friday? Why want me back if he didnt enjoy me ..thanks again

 
Old 01-29-2006, 07:34 PM   #12
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Re: need opinions here...

Hi all...
remember i used a diff screename to see how my guy was? well found out he tried asking the invisible woman out. imd her alot! didnt im me all day ..figures. he told her he is only seeing one..once in awhile which is me.typical player i think???yet he tells me he was at his brothers today when he was talking to the invisible woman? i have decided to not call him not im him not email him he is off my buddy list cuz it makes me crazy to see him there. yes i really like him yes i fell fast hell did everything too fast. i dunno what to do,wonder if he will bother calling me before friday? i have been taken for a fool yet once again =(

 
Old 01-30-2006, 03:12 AM   #13
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Im am crazy!!!

driving myself nuts..i am sure most of you think i am insecure and a basketcase. anyway. decided to keep my mind open and talk to others. I wanna enjoy life..enjoy my kids family and friends. mr right will come along when i least expect it. Just wish this new guy i am seeing wasnt so much damn fun, i am going to try soooo hard to let him be the one to contatc me no matter how hard it is. driving me nuts!

 
Old 01-30-2006, 08:37 AM   #14
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Re: need opinions here...

If I were you, I would blow him off a couple of times, tell him something came up and I can't go out this week, or that I'm not feeling well--you get the picture. Then arrange a date with him as the imaginary woman and let her stand him up--muahahaa! That would teach him not to be so overly confident with the ladies. Call me evil

 
Old 01-30-2006, 09:01 AM   #15
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Re: need opinions here...

Quote:
Originally Posted by RachelMichelle
When or if the time ever comes that these fridays do not develope into anything more i will have to walk away. Right now i have to think of my kids. My job and my finances. I am really trying to be mature and open minded, this is my first relationship like this.So its new to me ,i dont know the signs on if he is just using me. If he was then why every friday? Why want me back if he didnt enjoy me ..thanks again
Hi Rachel! Up until very recently, I was in a similar situation. I was seeing a guy on Thursday nights. I would drive to his house, spend the night, then go home and get ready for work. I liked this guy very much but it got to the point with me that I started to feel like I was doing all of the heavy lifting in the relationship. Two weeks ago, I sent him an email telling him how I felt, that "he clearly didn't have time in his life for me or a serious relationship." That what I was looking for was "a serious relationship and not a casual dating/sex kind of thing and if that was all he had to offer me, I'd rather him not contact me anymore." Well guess what? Haven't heard from him since. I am SOOO fed up with dating and men at this point. I'm taking a break. You think you know them and can trust them then they do something like your guy did. I agree with Sophia! Please don't slam me for bad-talking men. I know all men aren't like that just the losers I seem to come into contact with.

 
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