I fell in love with an Army JAG officer, and he broke my heart...
I fell in love with an Army JAG officer and he broke my heart. I met him in law school, in December 2004. He was a 3L (last year of law school) and I was a 1L (first year of law school). He saw me while I was in the law library studying with some friends. He followed me around for some time (trying to get my attention though I never noticed him, then contacted me by finding my profile online. He said that when he saw me he couldn’t take his eyes of me. I was so confident and beautiful. At this time, he was going to VI for some military training, so we talked 8 hours a day, for 7 days during my finals. Finally we agreed to meet after he came back. As soon as I saw him it was like magic...we loved each other from the very beginning. Before Mike, I was very cold and distrustful. He made me believe in love and a future with him. We were inseparable everyday for 1 year. He took the CA bar and passed. I finished my first year of law school and am currently taking 1 year off before transferring to law school in Michigan in September 2006.
He told me he loved me, his whole family loved me and welcomed me like they never have anyone else. I completely changed into a woman I never knew I could be. I would cook for him, compliment him, and do anything and everything for both him and his family. He helped me out when there was no one else, without me ever asking him to. I gave him my trust; until Mike I had never completely trusted anyone. My past is not the best, and my “true” family are my wonderful friends.
Anyways, we knew we wouldn't be able to get married anytime soon; I'm headed to MI for 3 years until Nov. 2009, and he'll be in HI, stationed until Jan. 2, 2010. He would finish his time in the JAG and I’d finish law school, then we promised to be together again.
I was doubtful of our ability to stay together though during these 4 years. But over the course of our year together, he took away all my fears, and we built a very solid foundation (he was there for me during one of the most rocky years of my life), and made me believe that we had what it took to last a lifetime.
We had a fight in November because he still remains in contact with all his ex's. They talk about once or twice a year via e-mail. It was hard from me to understand this since I myself have never remained friends with any ex’s. 1 week apart made us realize that we didn't want to say good-bye. That no matter what we were going to try and stay together and hope for the best.
He left for JAG military training and school in VA January 2, 2006. When he left I remember crying, telling him I didn't want him to go. He simply took my face into his hands, looked me in the eyes and said with a smile, "Baby, why are you crying? We are going to see each other again, you have nothing to worry about. I love you, don’t worry okay?" So we said our good-byes at John Wayne Airport and I watched him walk into the terminal.
Over the next two weeks he was very stressed out. The training was very hard and rigorous; the demands on his time left him no free time at all. He called me as often as he could (about 7 times), emailed me often too (about 5). He didn’t even have time to call his mom more than twice (and that REALLY saying something). But every time we talked on the phone he was tired and hurried. Unfortunately, I'm not available to talk until 6:30pm M-F (9:30pm VA time) and he had to be up by 4am the next morning everyday. He said he missed me so much, said that he was devastated because he didn't think it would be this hard. He had come to me for everything, missed seeing me, holding me, just hanging out with me and, with me gone, he was feeling lost.
I felt the same way. We were two completely independent people who loved each other more than ourselves. He would always talk about our future, us being together. Mike would always use “us” or “we,” instead of “me” or “I.” I was his first true love (he had been in love once when he was 14 and again when he was 17). He was my 3rd love. Yet in comparison to how much I loved Mike, he was perhaps my first love as well.
Over the course of the next 2 1/2 wks since he left, I had been telling him that he need to allot time to me and our conversations if we were going make this work. We are both busy, but that he needed to make an effort to set up a time where we can talk weekly. I need to have something to look forward to.
Well, then our fight came. I called him stressed out about something I received in the mail and he screamed at me. He told me that he can't be there for me all the time anymore, that the military is taking up all his time and that I can't completely depend on him anymore. I was shocked. I never though I had completely dependent on him. Upset and hurt I hung up on him.
Feeling upset and angry but, not ready to end things, I called him back. He was on the phone with his mom and said he would call me back. When he did he was very apologetic, saying he loved me and that he was sorry. But I was still so mad! Because I don't expect him to be there for me ALL the time, but what angered me was the fact he said he couldn't (which to me meant wouldn't), and all I could feel was hurt. So I broke up with him that night.
That weekend he went away for training and couldn't be reached (they drop all the JAG’s into the woods for days, they have to find their way to home base using only a compass). The next week was hectic for both of us, and we couldn't set up a time to discuss what had happened between us until 1 ½ weeks later (3 nights ago).
When he called he said he didn't know what he wanted to do. I told him that if he didn't know, than he couldn’t possibly want to be with me. So he said, "I guess you're right. I can't be with you like this. It's not going to work out. I'm sorry. I still love you but this is too hard and I hope we can be friends."
Of course I was so upset. I felt betrayed! He was the one so confident that we'd be able to stay together for 4 years and we couldn't even last 1 month (technically 2 1/2 weeks). I feel so confused and hurt. I gave myself into this relationship completely...both myself, financially, my dreams and my trust.
And now it is all gone; completely over. He was so calm when he was talking to me. I was hysterical (which is very much not like me).
I just feel so betrayed, so hurt and so confused. How can someone who claimed to have loved me so much all not want to be with me after being gone only 2 1/2 wks? I asked him if there was someone else, and he said, very seriously, "Brenna, no. I'm going to be single for a while after this. You have set the bar very high for everyone else I'll ever meet. You were the best girlfriend ever, and I always want you to remain in my life. I just miss you too much and I hate feeling lonely."
But how can I remain in his life? How can I ever talk to him again without feeling hurt and let down? I feel so lost. I still have my goals and dreams, and although I will never stay from them, I feel completely crushed and hopeless.
Please, please, could you help me get over this? I can't eat, I feel nauseous all the time, I can't sleep; I am completely torn up inside. Sometimes it’s even hard to breath. To my friends I have tried to seem tough, although my second day I completely broke down. And at work I act completely unaffected. While all the while I want to burst into tears and just fall down and cry myself to sleep.
I need your help. I still love him and want him back. Yet I know that it’s not the right time and it may never be. Especially with the circumstances are as they are; 4 years apart. I just need some advice. Can anyone help me with my heartache?
Last edited by sdcaligirl64; 02-02-2006 at 02:57 PM.
Re: I fell in love with an Army JAG officer, and he broke my heart...
1st of all, I must say that I don't tend to finish reading long threads but yours I did.
I'm sorry you are feeling upset & lonely & all that ... but after I finished reading your stuff; it appears to me that you have let things happen that way. He's stressed out because of his military training, you were well aware of that. He felt that he couldn't be with you all the time, you felt betrayel but at least he was honest with you. He still loved you but the next time you talked to him on the phone again, he was very apologetic while you wanted to break up with him, without thinking about the real consequences ahead ... and you expected him to be back in your life again and always be there for you ?! ... From a guy's point of view, I can tell you honestly, if I'm in the same shoes I'd be so hurt and probably wouldn't know how to handle you, just like your BF's having confusion right now.
You walked out of his life first, before he even tried.
I don't think you'll like what I'm tpying here, but my only advice is if you do want this wonderful man back, call him right now, tell him that you are really sorry for what you have done to him, & tell him not to worry about you and let him finish his training 1st.
Gosh ~ ~ ~ he was left in the middle of the wood and he had to find his way out by a compass ... now I feel more & more sorry for him, he must have missed you so badly because you were his most important person & you dumped him just before the training ...
However, I'm curious though ... still ... you mentioned 4 years ... but in between, you can fly to meet him, or him to you vice-versa ... right ?! ... I really don't know, I'm just asking ...
Re: I fell in love with an Army JAG officer, and he broke my heart...
I know what you mean. I feel I did do many things wrong within the last 2 weeks. What I wrote did make him seem very wonderful; and BELEIVE ME, he is. That's why I'm so heartbroken. If he wasn't, I'd never have fallen in love with him. But this also has to do with the fact I am just giving you a version of what happened. Not EVERYTHING that was said. I love him and in my writing you can see that? The reason we broke up was because of the disrespectful things he said to me. When Mike is upset, he cusses...ALOT. I very very rarely use profanity and when he blew up at me when I called him because he was so stressed out...and all because I just needed him to get me a home number from Delaware of the internet; which he was already on! I don't have internet access at home because all I am the sole supporter of my education and have solely supported myself for the last 6 years (since I turned 18). I reacted to his words, not paying attention to the stress behind them.
Mike grew up in Laguna Beach, never had a job in his life, and this is the first time he's had to actually DO anything. He’s no stranger to hard work academically though. He graduated in the top 5 from USC, and second in his class from law school. So he's stressed out now because he working, understandably but not unforgivingly. I know I sure did help provoke the break-up. And you're right, if it were me I'd have probably broken up with me.
But I honestly feel, that if you love someone, you never give up. Especially over something so meaningless.
What you said seems very logical. I have thought about giving him time to miss me and get his life back into order. He's been thrown into a whirlwind of activity and instead of being the rock in his life, I was still expecting him to be mine. But I'm afraid if I do, then in another 2 weeks life normal stresses will come back, making him stressed out again and putting us back into the same situation we are now, right?