Cinting, the more I find out about men, the more apparent it is to me that it's not good to always be "loving and nice" to them. Honestly, sometimes you have to make HIM wonder or he will take you completely for granted. Didn't you say he was pursuing you quite strongly in the beginning? I think he must still like you, but he's too sure of himself now.
It's funny because I just had a conversation about "soul mates" and such with a male friend of mine. I asked him if he ever met his "soul mate," and he said he once dated this girl who was very sweet, nice, and a very gentle person. That's all he said, which I guess was some sort of an implication of her possible 'soulmate' status. So I asked, "Why aren't you with her anymore?" He said "Oh, she was just too nice...I got bored."
Amen! I'm tellin' ya, men love bi***es. Read the book, please! Glad you're feeling better, cinting. Keep on keepin' on.
Cinting, the more I find out about men, the more apparent it is to me that it's not good to always be "loving and nice" to them. Honestly, sometimes you have to make HIM wonder or he will take you completely for granted. Didn't you say he was pursuing you quite strongly in the beginning? I think he must still like you, but he's too sure of himself now.
It's funny because I just had a conversation about "soul mates" and such with a male friend of mine. I asked him if he ever met his "soul mate," and he said he once dated this girl who was very sweet, nice, and a very gentle person. That's all he said, which I guess was some sort of an implication of her possible 'soulmate' status. So I asked, "Why aren't you with her anymore?" He said "Oh, she was just too nice...I got bored."
I don't think he thinks I am too nice, or boring either. There are times when I act as though I don't care, really busy, whatever, but I feel as though I have to, sorta keep my guard up. I'm really not this needy girl who wants all his time, I have things going on in my life that occupies my time, I guess I just hate this feeling of not knowing if he is going to call or want to see me. It's not that I want to know if we are going to ever get married or whatever, but I guess I would feel better about letting myself care more for him if I thought we were going to move forward and maybe really have something.
Oh, I wasn't at all insinuating that you're needy or boring. I'm sure you aren't! Sometimes you can do all the right things, and still the relationship doesn't go anywhere. It takes two people, obviously. How long have you been dating this guy?
I don't think he thinks I am too nice, or boring either. There are times when I act as though I don't care, really busy, whatever, but I feel as though I have to, sorta keep my guard up.
I'm sure you're not a doormat or boring at all, cinting! But here's the thing: the acting like you don't care, really busy, whatever, it shouldn't just be an act. You've got to learn to love like you truly sincerely don't really mind if it ends tomorrow. Easier said than done, of course, but that's when he'll be able to decide if he wants to pursue this, when he feels he has something to lose. He hasn't made any promises, so you don't need to make any, either, and no demands. Give him only as much of your heart as you feel is commensurate with the level of commitment he's given you so far. If you don't feel comfortable letting yourself care more about him with the level of commitment he's currently showing you, then don't. just have fun, enjoy the moment, and enjoy whatever the relationship has to offer. There's no way to make him want to commit more than he has, all the talking in the world won't make him want to be more commited to you. It will either come in time, or it won't.
I'm sure you're not a doormat or boring at all, cinting! But here's the thing: the acting like you don't care, really busy, whatever, it shouldn't just be an act. You've got to learn to love like you truly sincerely don't really mind if it ends tomorrow. Easier said than done, of course, but that's when he'll be able to decide if he wants to pursue this, when he feels he has something to lose. He hasn't made any promises, so you don't need to make any, either, and no demands. Give him only as much of your heart as you feel is commensurate with the level of commitment he's given you so far. If you don't feel comfortable letting yourself care more about him with the level of commitment he's currently showing you, then don't. just have fun, enjoy the moment, and enjoy whatever the relationship has to offer. There's no way to make him want to commit more than he has, all the talking in the world won't make him want to be more commited to you. It will either come in time, or it won't.
I know Hiya, I know and am okay with enjoying the relationship and see where it goes. I don't act as though I am busy, I really am, so he doesn't think that I don't do anything or just set around and wait on him to call. The thing is I do care about him, and sometimes it would be nice to know if this does have a chance of going to a more serious level. It's hard for me to block my feelings, and with him, that's what I have to do. If you care about someone, tell them, if you love someone, tell them, but I feel like I can't with him. Last night I probably asked a stupid ?, and I got a disappointing answer. I asked if I had what it took to keep him happy, and he told me he didn't want to answer that ?, but he's happy right now. Am I wasting my time?
I don't think you necessarily wasting your time..Depends how long you've been together. Some guys don't like highly emotional conversations or have trouble verbally admitting their feelings, even if they do have them. I would look more at how he treats you, if he's eager to spend time with you and make you happy, you know, little things, rather than what he says. However, I think a man who's capable of developing a real bond with you should be able to tell you he loves you within a year of dating. If after a year you still don't hear these words, I would start to worry.
Accepting that I will be alone... I read that and said to myself, "yep, that's me." I just got an email from a co-worker who is planning her wedding. She asked me for my address and the name of my significant other. It sucks to have to write it down, "unfortunately, I don't have a significant other." I don't think I'll be like this forever and and I don't think you will be either Cin.
Last edited by reddoorblack; 02-07-2006 at 08:07 AM.
I don't think you necessarily wasting your time..Depends how long you've been together. Some guys don't like highly emotional conversations or have trouble verbally admitting their feelings, even if they do have them. I would look more at how he treats you, if he's eager to spend time with you and make you happy, you know, little things, rather than what he says. However, I think a man who's capable of developing a real bond with you should be able to tell you he loves you within a year of dating. If after a year you still don't hear these words, I would start to worry.
We have only been dating for about 5 months, a little longer if you count the time we talked before going out. I'm not rushing anything, I don't want to, and I realize that some guys have trouble talking about how they feel, although he has told me that he loves me, but I'm really not sure now exactly how he loves me, and we don't say it or mention it. It does seem at times as though he is eager to spend time with me, he misses me and wants to see me, then other times I feel as though he could care less if he sees me or not. There is a feeling of unease here and I don't really know why, I'm normally not like that without a good reason.
Last night I probably asked a stupid ?, and I got a disappointing answer. I asked if I had what it took to keep him happy, and he told me he didn't want to answer that ?, but he's happy right now. Am I wasting my time?
I agree with Sophia, I don't think you're necessarily wasting your time, every guy moves at his own pace, but if I may say something, I learned the hard way is: It's not your job to make him happy, and unless you're beating him, verbally abusing him, lying to him and playing him for a fool or constantly nagging and harping at him, you can't be responsible for making him unhappy. There really is no "making someone happy" there is only compatibility. Don't worry if you "have what it takes to make him happy." The only question is are the two of you good for each other and compatible. But if you're feeling uneasy about it, it could be your gut trying to tell you something. If I were you, I'd just lay off the "where is this going" talk altogether for a while and just see where it goes, see how it feels. See if this really is the relationship you want to be in.
Yeah, I'd say wait till you've been together a year and then reassess the situation. People move at different speed in relationships. As long as you are exclusive and see each other regularly, I would continue dating and see what happens.
This is a very interesting thread. I didn't get a chance to read it all cause I was so anxious to reply. I know that I've certainly felt like I'm one of those people who's destined to be alone. I think I'm a nice guy and decent looking, but I can never seem to meet the right girl. I've met plenty of wrong ones. It doesn't help that I'm in my 30s and everyone else I know is married or getting married. Some are starting families. A few are even divorcing. And I look at myself and sometimes ask, "what's wrong with me? Why am I alone when so many other people out there are with someone?" I'll look at some of these guys and see what complete jerks they are and wonder how is it they found someone to want to be with them and I haven't.
The trap I'm trying to avoid, though, is ending up with someone because I'm tired of being alone. I've seen people do that and they're still alone, but just in a relationship. One thing's clear though. I need to figure out a better way of meeting people. It's ironic that we live in a world with billions of people and yet it's hard to meet anyone. And lately, I feel like there's only a very small group of people that I'm even compatible with. I'm not quite sure what to do, but I'm open to suggestions. Part of me wants to move somewhere and start over. I don't care for the city I live in and the job I have is starting to lose its appeal. Maybe a fresh start would do me good and anyone else who feels alone. I don't know. Just thinking out loud, I guess.
This is a very interesting thread. I didn't get a chance to read it all cause I was so anxious to reply. I know that I've certainly felt like I'm one of those people who's destined to be alone. I think I'm a nice guy and decent looking, but I can never seem to meet the right girl. I've met plenty of wrong ones. It doesn't help that I'm in my 30s and everyone else I know is married or getting married. Some are starting families. A few are even divorcing. And I look at myself and sometimes ask, "what's wrong with me? Why am I alone when so many other people out there are with someone?" I'll look at some of these guys and see what complete jerks they are and wonder how is it they found someone to want to be with them and I haven't.
The trap I'm trying to avoid, though, is ending up with someone because I'm tired of being alone. I've seen people do that and they're still alone, but just in a relationship. One thing's clear though. I need to figure out a better way of meeting people. It's ironic that we live in a world with billions of people and yet it's hard to meet anyone. And lately, I feel like there's only a very small group of people that I'm even compatible with. I'm not quite sure what to do, but I'm open to suggestions. Part of me wants to move somewhere and start over. I don't care for the city I live in and the job I have is starting to lose its appeal. Maybe a fresh start would do me good and anyone else who feels alone. I don't know. Just thinking out loud, I guess.
Wow, I could have written this, OTL! I know some women who are borderline psychotic, or who cannot keep a job, or who have cheated on their spouse, or are downright unattractive, and they are in relationships or married, and yet I'm still single. I ask myself the same questions as you do. I also have an overwhelming urge to just leave and move somewhere as far away as possible and start over. Hey, I just read some scientists discovered a "paradise" somewhere in the jungle of Indonesia--maybe we could move there! How does it all work, seriously? I am also beyond lost.
I feel the same way. I really wonder what is so wrong with me that I am still single. I know that I have a lot going for me, with the exception of a SO. Mainly, I just don't know where to go to meet decent single guys. They don't seem to be out there. The only ones I come across are already taken. I have already missed out on so much because of being single. Now all of my friends are having children, and so I have missed out on the stage of getting to do couple things with them. I have always dreamt of getting to spend at least part of my "younger years" with someone. It saddens me to think that I might not meet the right guy for many more years to come. I feel trapped as far as meeting people because I do not have any single friends that live nearby to go out with me, and I would feel too silly going all alone. It feels like a no-win situation.
Wow, I could have written this, OTL! I know some women who are borderline psychotic, or who cannot keep a job, or who have cheated on their spouse, or are downright unattractive, and they are in relationships or married, and yet I'm still single. I ask myself the same questions as you do. I also have an overwhelming urge to just leave and move somewhere as far away as possible and start over. Hey, I just read some scientists discovered a "paradise" somewhere in the jungle of Indonesia--maybe we could move there! How does it all work, seriously? I am also beyond lost.
If there's any room left on the island for one more, sign me up please!
ok, guys, quit overreacting.. nobody is going to end up alone if they don't want to (not even me, if you can believe that but i dunno, i don't really care anymore ).
btw, my meddling mom is up to something. she has this friend who has a daughter and both of them are playing matchmakers. that other woman's mother is not happy with her daughter's bf and of course, my mom who seems to think i'm God's gift to women is now trying to hook us up..and the other woman wants me for her daughter too.. i'm not even attracted to this girl. this is just getting amusing now .
anyway, GG and toots, i'm not going to even start on the two of you, and LMH, you will soon find your heart, . everything is going to be fine, guys.
and you'll still be a hottie, toots, so you have nothing to worry about.
it could happen tomorrow for all you know. think about the law of averages. it HAS to happen. and do you really want people hooking you up?? i'd prefer it happen all on its own without any manipulation or planned "chance" meetings like i used to plan back in the early days.
and you'll still be a hottie, toots, so you have nothing to worry about.
it could happen tomorrow for all you know. think about the law of averages. it HAS to happen. and do you really want people hooking you up?? i'd prefer it happen all on its own without any manipulation or planned "chance" meetings like i used to plan back in the early days.
Oh god, Lance, I don't know anymore....It all seems utterly hopeless...How is that possible that out of millions of people in this city, I can't even find ONE who is a good match???
and do you really want people hooking you up?? i'd prefer it happen all on its own without any manipulation or planned "chance" meetings like i used to plan back in the early days.
I agree about hoping that it will "happen" on its own. Last week yet another co-worker tried to set me up with a guy friend of her husband. He turned out to be such a jerk, and we never even went out on a date. I thought he was too cocky when I talked to him on the phone the first time, but I wanted to give it a chance. Then he called one night and I guess he had been trying to get ahold of me, but I wasn't home, and he left a rude message. All it said was (in a very rude tone) "what's the point of having a phone if you're never going to answer it......click". I got in late, got the message and was shocked. So I told the co-worker the next morning that I was not interested in the guy. I have had my fair share of jerks in the past and I did not want to get involved with another one. I will continue to give "set-ups" a chance, but I really wish I could just meet someone naturally, on my own.
oh gosh!! GG that guy sounds like a REAL jerk. maybe you should have returned his call with an equally rude one!! then again you wouldn't want to lower yourself to his level.
How does it all work, seriously? I am also beyond lost.
but i dunno, i don't really care anymore 
.
then again you wouldn't want to lower yourself to his level. 
