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Old 02-03-2006, 09:14 AM   #1
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cinting HB User
Accepting that I will be alone...

It's a gloom outlook, but I feel as though I will be alone. Although I am still seeing the guy I have been for the last few months, I feel as though he will never be dedicated to me, and I really don't know if it will ever go where I want it to. I want to have someone who cares about me, cares about what's going on in my life, wants to spend time with me, do things with me, someone who loves me, and loves me enough to marry me. Someone who loves me enough to call every night, especially if it has been an important day. Is that too much to want?

 
Old 02-03-2006, 09:49 AM   #2
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Re: Accepting that I will be alone...

Is that to much to want? Of course not... Thats what love is all about. If you are not getting these feeling from the person that you are with, then you are not with the right person. Being in a relationship where you do not feel anything, in my opinion is a lot worse than being in no relationship. Does he not give you any indications that he wants something serious and something more in the future? If not, and you decide to end this relationship you could give yourself the open mind to seek something better. Just because you are single, does not mean you will stay single forever. But you seem to have a negative outlook about your future. Before you can get into any kind of lasting meaningful relationship, you must first be happy with yourself.

 
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Old 02-03-2006, 09:59 AM   #3
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Hiya HB User
Re: Accepting that I will be alone...

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
It's a gloom outlook, but I feel as though I will be alone. Although I am still seeing the guy I have been for the last few months, I feel as though he will never be dedicated to me, and I really don't know if it will ever go where I want it to. I want to have someone who cares about me, cares about what's going on in my life, wants to spend time with me, do things with me, someone who loves me, and loves me enough to marry me. Someone who loves me enough to call every night, especially if it has been an important day. Is that too much to want?
No, sweetie, I don't think that's too much for anyone to want, and you have the right to want it. I don't think you'll ever find it as long as you're wasting time with a guy who isn't giving it to you, though, but I'm not going to tell you to kick your current guy to the curb. Sometimes a warm body is better than nothing, it just doesn't do anything to move you ahead.

I know you have to follow your heart and do what you feel is right, and no words can alter what you feel that is. But I do think you're way too young to be giving up on yourself so soon. You've been lucky enough to have had relationships that have moved you forward, made you grow and made you stronger, and have given you some companionship, even though neither has been exactly what you wanted. But who's to say the next one won't be? I know it's hard to wait. Like Billy Joel said, "some people find that it's easier to hate than to wait anymore." Funny you should post this today, I've been struggling with the exact same thing the last couple of days. I got a call from the sometime/former friend with bennies and I just blew him off. I just haven't felt like being around people, especially people who remind me of my ex. It doesn't help that he has pictures of him and my ex from their band days together all over his walls. I'm tempted to turn my heart to stone and just giving the big eff-oh to the whole human race and not caring that no one cares for me. I'm halfway there anyway. I didn't feel anything at all when Columbine or 9/11 or Hurricate Katrina happened. The whole world was crying and I felt almost nothing. Sometimes I think all my romantic notions of waiting for "the one" and love and all that has just been stupid, and I should just rack up numbers and go to bed with as many men who will hav me. I don't know. I just know my current mindset of loving God and doing what He would want me to do and waiting for love and trying to fill my life with other things until it comes, or unless it never comes, and be happy with being a pathetic, middle-aged, hormoneless, sexless, barely human blob. I just know nothing's working. But if I can hang on just a little longer, I know you can cinting. You have such a good heart, and I'm sure you have done nothing to deserve not finding everything you dream of. You still have more life ahead than behind you, and even if it feels better to give up "hope" right now, I would encourage you not to look at it like that. Think of it as just taking a breath and regrouping, getting yourself into a more strategic fighting mode. Taking care of number one for a while. As far as I can see, that's been your only shortcoming, not taking care of YOU enough. Be good to yourself, and don't be afraid to go after the things you really want and feel you need. It's ok, take a breath, treat yourself to a movie out with girlfriends or just you, yourself and thee, and just enjoy your own company. It's not so hard once you accept that it doesn't have to be that way forever, and that the universe has blessed you with this "me time" to do whatever turns you on without having to answer to anyone, and to feed your soul a little. It doesn't have to be a bad thing, and it doesn't have to be forever.

 
Old 02-03-2006, 10:10 AM   #4
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eve40 HB User
Re: Accepting that I will be alone...

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
It's a gloom outlook, but I feel as though I will be alone. Although I am still seeing the guy I have been for the last few months, I feel as though he will never be dedicated to me, and I really don't know if it will ever go where I want it to. I want to have someone who cares about me, cares about what's going on in my life, wants to spend time with me, do things with me, someone who loves me, and loves me enough to marry me. Someone who loves me enough to call every night, especially if it has been an important day. Is that too much to want?
It may be time to do the hard thing and leave this man. You will never find the right man if you stay attached to the wrong one. I believe our good friend, Stacy, mentioned that to me, a few days ago. I think it's advice worth passing on.

 
Old 02-03-2006, 10:17 AM   #5
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charlatans HB User
Re: Accepting that I will be alone...

dont feel alone hun...we all go through this at some stage.
give it some time with this guy, talk to him and be honest. talking is the key. i didnt talk much with my ex although i wanted to and if i had talked more id have found out more things and found out things were going crap. talk, be honest and always trust your gut feeling. if he isnt being clear or honest or you have a bad feeling, get out of the situation/relationship asap before you get sucked in and get hurt. i wish i had listened to my bad feelings and doubts- then i wouldnt have gone through the awful emotions, thoughts of lack of self esteem i am experiencing now.
goodluck x

 
Old 02-03-2006, 10:47 AM   #6
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cinting HB User
Re: Accepting that I will be alone...

Maybe I am confused if I am getting what I want. I really don't know what I am to him, or where I stand with him. He has been calling a couple of times each night, then last night he didn't call at all, after I had something that was really important to me happen. I don't know if I should just ask if I am someone for him to have a good time with, or if he ever sees us being together as a serious couple in a relationship?

 
Old 02-03-2006, 10:58 AM   #7
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SophiaM HB User
Re: Accepting that I will be alone...

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
Maybe I am confused if I am getting what I want. I really don't know what I am to him, or where I stand with him. He has been calling a couple of times each night, then last night he didn't call at all, after I had something that was really important to me happen. I don't know if I should just ask if I am someone for him to have a good time with, or if he ever sees us being together as a serious couple in a relationship?
I don't know..but maybe you should do the same to him. Don't always answer when he calls and don't call back right away. Wait a day or two. He has you wrapped around his finger and he knows it. Maybe if you let him wonder what you're up to, it would help? Back off a lot and see if he starts pursuing you. If he doesn't, it means he's just not very interested and you should cut your losses with him.

 
Old 02-03-2006, 11:11 AM   #8
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cinting HB User
Re: Accepting that I will be alone...

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
I don't know..but maybe you should do the same to him. Don't always answer when he calls and don't call back right away. Wait a day or two. He has you wrapped around his finger and he knows it. Maybe if you let him wonder what you're up to, it would help? Back off a lot and see if he starts pursuing you. If he doesn't, it means he's just not very interested and you should cut your losses with him.
I have thought about that, but if I do become less available and not answer his calls, what should I say if he asks why?

 
Old 02-03-2006, 11:15 AM   #9
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Re: Accepting that I will be alone...

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
I have thought about that, but if I do become less available and not answer his calls, what should I say if he asks why?
Same things as he says, i.e. you were "busy," you "fell asleep," "had a tough day and no energy to talk," blah, blah, blah. Don't avoid all of his calls, just some of them. The key is to be unpredictable. Sometimes pick up and be eager to talk to him, and other times don't pick up or sound busy and distracted. I know, it's games but it seems to work with men.

 
Old 02-03-2006, 11:23 AM   #10
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reddoorblack HB User
Re: Accepting that I will be alone...

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
Maybe I am confused if I am getting what I want. I really don't know what I am to him, or where I stand with him. He has been calling a couple of times each night, then last night he didn't call at all, after I had something that was really important to me happen. I don't know if I should just ask if I am someone for him to have a good time with, or if he ever sees us being together as a serious couple in a relationship?
Paperdoll said this in another thread--"You should NEVER EVER bring up commitment or do you see other people or where is this relationship going with a man. If he hasn't initiated this conversation, it's not because it slipped his mind, it's for a reason."I think there's a lot of truth in that statement. I think you know in your heart and in your gut the answer to those questions. I think you should back away from this guy.

 
Old 02-03-2006, 11:23 AM   #11
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Nina000 HB User
Re: Accepting that I will be alone...

Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaM
I don't know..but maybe you should do the same to him. Don't always answer when he calls and don't call back right away. Wait a day or two. He has you wrapped around his finger and he knows it. Maybe if you let him wonder what you're up to, it would help? Back off a lot and see if he starts pursuing you. If he doesn't, it means he's just not very interested and you should cut your losses with him.
I agree with Sophia except on the fact that by doing so (behaving like him), you are compromising on your happiness. If he is not the one, then you really should find someone who will be able to give you nothing less than an emotionally fulfiling relationship. The question is how willing you are to let go of him.

 
Old 02-03-2006, 11:32 AM   #12
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Re: Accepting that I will be alone...

This is why I tried to do in my rltsp when my ex (who had been very consistently giving and loving until he moved here to go to school) started acting wierd and pulling away. I tried to stop calling, to not always be available, and so forth. What happened was...he didnt seem to care or change. Then it made me resent him MORE because I was compromising my happiness and sacrificing even more and more...it backfired, basically.
The best thing to do is talk to him about it. I tried that first, didnt work for me, then what I mentioned above, which didnt work either...what worked is him ending the relationship and making me miserable. After all that on my part...nice, huh? But I was never willing to let him go, I loved him more than I ever knew I could love anyone.
If he is not responsive to your vocal concerns, that is not good, but I think thats the best way to go. At least you put it all out there and didnt play games.
And another thing Im learning- being alone is not necessarily a bad thing. It takes a lot of adjustment, but, despite my bad days here and there when I second-guess myself, I have actually walked away from this relationship with a lot of self-confidence. I was wonderful to my ex, and I have a lot to offer someone, and sometimes I really wonder...with as close as we were and as much he knew about me, why he wanted to give me up! Dont feel bad for having high standards and wanting more than you're getting- mine seemed like the whole package plus more, turns out he wasn't.

Last edited by lady346; 02-03-2006 at 11:35 AM.

 
Old 02-03-2006, 11:37 AM   #13
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cinting HB User
Re: Accepting that I will be alone...

We have talked about this before, he ended up asking for some time, and then after a week, he started calling again, and we decided to date (and not see anyone else) and see what happens. Could anything more serious ever come out of a relationship like this? Am I asking for a broken heart by not knowing where this could go and still going along with the ride?

 
Old 02-03-2006, 11:52 AM   #14
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eve40 HB User
Re: Accepting that I will be alone...

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
Am I asking for a broken heart by not knowing where this could go and still going along with the ride?
I've learned, the hard way, that men who want to commit to you, leave you in no doubt of their desires or plans.

 
Old 02-03-2006, 12:55 PM   #15
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Hiya HB User
Re: Accepting that I will be alone...

Quote:
Originally Posted by cinting
We have talked about this before, he ended up asking for some time, and then after a week, he started calling again, and we decided to date (and not see anyone else) and see what happens. Could anything more serious ever come out of a relationship like this? Am I asking for a broken heart by not knowing where this could go and still going along with the ride?
I think Eve's right. IF he were ready to commit to something heavier, he would leave no room for doubt, he'd make sure you knew in no uncertain terms. It could also be that he just doesn't need as much time with a SO as you do. It's hard to say without seeing the interaction between the two of you. Only you know if you are being reasonable in your requests and needs and whether you are getting or will ever get what you need from this guy. Letting yourself love someone at all is always a risk, and sometimes you have to lay your heart on the line to get what you want, but you also have to take care of yourself. Don't let him waste your time.

 
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