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Old 02-03-2006, 01:05 PM   #1
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myheartyourhand HB User
Unhappy MIXED SIGNALS-does he want to be with me or not!?

i am 20 years old and my boyfriend just turned 21. since the time we met it was like we were meant to be-things moved so fast and we were so crazy in love with each other. over the past couple months we started fighting alot but it was always kiss and make up and he always reassured me how much he loved me and that he knew things were going to work out. we spent alot of time together (like 4 days a week) and talked on the phone 2 to 3 times a day. he was pretty much all about me for the entire time we were together, he would always say that i was an amazing girl and he could see himself spending the rest of his life with me, etc etc. i did ANYTHING for that boy, it was always about him. i always did whatever he wanted to do, watched whatever he wanted on TV, was his designated driver when he wanted to go to the bar with his friends, gave up my friends to spend time with him, drove 3 hours every week to come spend time with him, bought him things, on and on and on. i just wanted to make him happy. once like 2 months ago i brought up the subject of breaking up and said maybe it was best that we break up because of all the fighting and he began to cry really hard and beg me not to leave him. which i didnt because i had only said it out of frustration anyways. he lives an hour and a half away but he is moving back to where i live and we had planned on moving in together (which was his idea). it seemed like he cared about me so much until one huge fight we had 2 weeks ago because we were at the bar together and i was dancing with his friend along with 2 other girls. he went out to the car and sat there by himself and was crying because he was so upset. well the next day BAM he says that hes so sick of all the fighting and he feels we need to take a break and doesnt want to talk to me for a couple days so everything can clear in his head. well of course i wasnt expecting this at all so i break down and cry and ask him why and how can he do this after all the promises he made me and everything we talked about. he swore his feelings werent changing and that he still loved me and he meant everything he had said but he just needed some time to let his mind clear because he was so ****** and he gave in and agreed to call me the next day. well he did and left me a voicemail saying that he was looking forward to talking to me that day and that he loved me. so i called him back and asked if i could please see him and talk to him that day and figure things out. he agreed and we met later that night and talked about everything we needed to change and he said that it really bothered him that i had alot of guy friends and he wanted me to at least stop talking to my ex bfs or he didnt want to deal with being with me because it bothered him too much. well we ended up giving our relationship another chance and i went to stay at his house for 2 days. everything went pretty well and i thought things were going back to normal until the next day when he called me and asked me if i had talked to any guys that day. i wasnt going to lie to him so i admitted to talking to one of my guy friends. well he flipped and broke up with me again which isnt fair because he knows that it bothers me that these 3 girls always call him but i never tell him that he cant talk to them. so the next morning he calls me and says that hes been thinking about me and misses me and he heard some love songs that reminded him of me but thats all he said because he had to get back to work. so i wait until later that day when he gets off work and calls me and im thinking that he wants to get back together. WRONG. he doesnt even want to see me that night because he was going out with friends and he knew that i had to work the next night and he couldnt see me then either. so i get all upset and start crying and begging him to please see me but he just wont give in. a guy friend of mine had asked me to go to a movie with him that night to try to take my mind of my boyfriend so i told my boyfriend that i was going to a movie with this guy and he gets extremely ****** and jealous and says he knew all along that i wanted to date other people and i missed going out on the weekends. (which isnt true). then the next day he calls me and asks me if i did anything with that guy that night and if i had kissed him or anything. i swear that i didnt so he says he has to go and promises to call me before work. which he doesnt. so by now i am so confused and so upset that i call him from work on my dinner break because i want some answers. well once again he is back to acting like he really cares about me and wants to talk to me. he says he isnt going out that night because he wants to see me when i get off work. well i say that i dont really know if i want to see him and he gets kind of mad and says whatever u dont even seem to care. but to prove that i really do care i go over after work and it seems like he really wants it to work but i couldnt stay long so he promised to come over tomorrow and we'll talk more. well the next night once again he is back to acting like he doesnt care, and saying that he doesnt know if he is going to come over like he said he would because his family was over and he wanted to spend time with them. well once again i beg him to come over and he gives in to coming over for 2 hours. well we do alot of talking and he just seems so angry and pretty much blames alot of things on me and says that he feels he cant trust me at all. i swear up and down that he can trust me and i tell him exactly how much i care about him and love him and that i would never do anything to hurt him but it just doesnt change his mind. i ask him exactly why he doesnt want to be with me and he swears its because he cant trust me and he doesnt know why he gets so extremely jealous anytime i mention another guy. he says he has never been like that and it is really bothering him and he just doesnt want to deal with it anymore. so he leaves and i still dont have any answers because he never ended it, just said we were still on a break and would see how things go. well the next day i ask if i can come to his house and stay the night and we will just talk and see how things go. well he agrees and seems really excited about it. so i go over there and things go so amazingly perfect. we just laid in bed kissing for a long time and looking each other in the eyes. he tells me that things are really starting to feel right again and he knows when he moves back home closer to me that things are going to be alot better. he also says that if and when we get back together we need to do those things alot more often. he says that the reason he gets so upset that i talk to guys is because he feels like he isnt good enough and hes so scared that im gonna find someone better than him. then the next morning when he leaves for work he kisses me and comes back into the room twice to say i love you. so once again i get my hopes up so high only to be let down later that night when he calls me and asks me what i had done that day and i tell him that i went to the bar with a bunch of people i know (including guys). well once again he flips out because i talk to and hang out with all these guys and once again breaks up with me because he says he cant deal with it. he says he wants to be with me and loves me but cant stand me talking to guys. i ask him are you sure u want to end this? and he says "i guess" and i say no are you really sure? and then he says sure. and im like no thats not a real answer its either yes or no. so then he finally says yes. well i act like i dont care and i hang up. 2 hours later he hasnt called me back so im the stupid one and i call him but i had made the excuse that i wanted to come get some movies this weekend that i had left at his house. well he didnt answer so i left it on his voicemail and he called me right back saying that i could get them this weekend sometime and he would call me tomorrow or the next day so i could come get them. i asked him if he had changed his mind and he said that no he hadnt. he just cant trust me and cant stand the fact that i talk to other guys. well i tell myself that im not going to call him, im going to wait until he calls me. so the next night he calls me 5 times in 2 hours but i was working so i couldnt answer. so i get all excited thinking that he is going to apologize and say that he misses me. but he only called because i have a webpage and i guess his ex gf saw it and called him and told him that it says i am single. so hes furious and says that he sees how i really am. that the day after we break up im promoting to everyone that im single and looking for someone else. but i try to be the mature person and promise that it didnt mean anything and that hes the only one i want to be with. but he doesnt believe me and says he doesnt want to talk about it and hangs up on me. this was last night around 9:30 and i havent talked to him since. i already made up my mind to go the whole weekend without calling him even though its killing me. i have a feeling he will call me once i havent called him back in a day or so because i know its going to bother him. i just dont know what to think...does he really want to be with me and is only playing games? or are things just too far gone between us? it sucks because it was only 3 days ago that we spent that amazing night together and he said that everything was feeling right again and he kept saying i love you. so i guess its hard for me to think that he really doesnt want to be with me anymore. im just trying to figure out exactly what hes thinking so maybe i could go about fixing it. i just feel like i should be with him and i want to know what i can do to get him back and make things right again between us. ive tried to think about what may be going on in his head and why one minute he wants to be with me and the next he acts like he doesnt care. does any1 have an opinion on this it would help alot, thanks

 
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Old 02-03-2006, 01:25 PM   #2
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jenn34601 HB User
Re: MIXED SIGNALS-does he want to be with me or not!?

Wow...sounds confusing to me lol.. I know people have insecurities, and having the thought of your mate with another guy/girl can make somebody a little jelious, but thats a little crazy.. That is either big time insecurity or guilt. Sometimes when you are guilty of something then you dont know how to act and think that the other person is doing wrong, like you did. Im not saying thats the case but something to maybe look into. If he really trusted you he would not act like this.. I dont know, if you to do stay together and the problem is a big insecurity problem, I dont think that that will ever change and might become unbarable in the future.

 
Old 02-03-2006, 02:02 PM   #3
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Lisa101010 HB User
Re: MIXED SIGNALS-does he want to be with me or not!?

So true is the old saying "you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else."

Whats going on here is clear -- your boyfriend doesnt think he is good enough for you, so he is extremely jealous and insecure. That is his problem, not yours. Its going to be almost impossible to change him.

You might want to look up some information on co-dependency. Its not a healthy thing and there are many signs of it in your post. Try looking here, pay special attention to the "characteristics of co-dependent people" section (I'm thinking this may apply to both you and your man). [url]http://www.nmha.org/infoctr/factsheets/43.cfm[/url]

I'm in a relationship like yours right now, and it is a TON of work. Breaking up and getting back together all the time is stressful and I've found that once you get into that habit, it is really hard to break. My BF and I have tried to break it, and I think it is working to a degree, but that's probably because we're getting older and just more mature (I am 27, he is 24, we've been together almost 4 years).

Anyway, I am going to bet that he does call you this weekend. And also that you two will get back together again, and have another wonderful night just like the other night, but then you're going to break up again, and the cycle will continue unless you get too lazy to deal with it anymore. Like I said, its a TON of work to maintain this type of relationship.

Oh I'm also sure that he does want to be with you -- most people don't put this much effort into things that aren't important to them. But that still doesn't mean you are right for each other.

 
Old 02-03-2006, 03:29 PM   #4
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myheartyourhand HB User
Re: MIXED SIGNALS-does he want to be with me or not!?

so heres an update...he called me about an hour ago and told me that he still thinks about me and wanted to know if it was too late to give it one more chance. i told him he had better be damn sure that he wasnt going to change his mind again tomorrow or in a few days and he said that he was sure he wanted to try to make it work because he cares about me alot. i swear this is the last chance i am giving our relationship. we both talked about what we needed to change and our boundaries for the relationship so if it doesnt go better this time im done. thanks so much everyone for the advice, u were right about so many things. an outside perspective always helps

 
Old 02-03-2006, 04:18 PM   #5
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GypsyArcher HB User
Re: MIXED SIGNALS-does he want to be with me or not!?

Wow, you two can sure bring the drama. But, my relationships were just like that when I was 20, too. Intense, melodramatic, drawn out. If this last chance doesn't work out...then it seems like the best thing to do would be to get off of this merry-go-round. Your boyfriend is very insecure and a bit of an attention *****, so I do not know how likely it is that he will change. Just from reading your post, your relationship was exhausting me, and I am not even a part of it! It sounds like your boyfriend just needs time to grow up and come into his own, gaining self-esteem somewhere else before trying to embark on a relationship.

 
Old 02-04-2006, 10:51 AM   #6
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myheartyourhand HB User
Re: MIXED SIGNALS-does he want to be with me or not!?

well last night we both went out with our friends because of course he didnt want to see me. thats how its been for the past 2 weeks, hes only wanted to hang out with his friends at the bar and not have me around. it used to be that he always wanted me to come everywhere with him and he would even get kind of mad if i mentioned us each doing our own thing that night. but anyways some girl kissed him (she did last weekend too), and he swears it was just a peck and he didnt even kiss her back. he swears that he doesnt have feelings for anyone else but he just doesnt want to be in a relationship right now. he says he likes just going out with his friends. but he says that he has been thinking about me alot lately and so many little things remind him of me. right now he lives 2 hours away on the weekdays because of his job but every weekend he comes home to his parent's house. hes moving back here in about a month to his parents house and he says that he thinks its going to be a whole new beginning for us and that we *might* get back together if everything goes good. im just so confused by all of this. i dont know what to believe. i dont know if hes just keeping me around until he finds someone better or what. i think part of the problem is that none of his friends or family seem to like me anymore because they blame ME for everything that has been going wrong in our relationship. also, 3 of his best girl friends like him so of course they say all kinds of bad things about me and tell him that hes no fun anymore since he started dating me because he never goes out as much. its like everyone that he knows is trying to convince him not to be with me. i guess im just wondering what is everyone else's opinion on this. is he just stringing me along until he finds someone else? is he torn between his feelings for me and what everyone else thinks? or does he just want to go out and have a good time and meet girls and not be tied down? we were together for 6 months and so was him and his last gf and the gf before that. its like he cant stand being with one person for longer than 6 months. his last gf he was with for 6 months and then they broke up and did the same thing we're doing...taking a break and just talking. that lasted between them for 6 more months until he met me. i guess im just afraid that thats what hes doing with me. keeping me around so he knows he has someone and then when he finds someone else, hes going to get rid of me. someone help me out here i just want to know what to think and expect.

 
Old 02-04-2006, 01:10 PM   #7
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GypsyArcher HB User
Re: MIXED SIGNALS-does he want to be with me or not!?

Quote:
he says that he thinks its going to be a whole new beginning for us and that we *might* get back together if everything goes good. im just so confused by all of this. i dont know what to believe. i dont know if hes just keeping me around until he finds someone better or what
I don't know. Either he is just trying to placate you, or else he really doesn't know what the heck he wants, but wants to keep you hanging anyway in case he does decide to get together with you.

Personally, I wouldn't put up with that. You should just tell him "Okay, fine. Get back to me when you make up your mind." Then move on with your life, and if it happens down the road that the two of you end up back together, then fine. But don't just hang around like a little puppy, eagerly awaiting his decision. If he really is torn between whether or not to get back together with you, you will appear infinetly more attractive if it seems like you've moved on and aren't obsessing about him.

 
Old 02-06-2006, 06:54 PM   #8
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myheartyourhand HB User
Re: MIXED SIGNALS-does he want to be with me or not!?

UNBELIEVABLE. we got back together yesterday and everything was absolutely wonderful, he was treating me like a princess. then tonight he tells me he had sex with his ex girlfriend Friday night. im so numb right now i dont even know how to feel

 
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