Gang, I'm miserable.
Mr. Ruth is being his normal wonderful self and I can't complain about him doing any of the following...
cheating
drinking
abusing
lying
But... am I satisfied with being married to a wonderful guy? Nope. I want more.
I want him home after work at a normal time. I've had almost 2 years of the 70-80 hrs a week that small business owners put in and I had no real say so on whether he became a business owner or not.
So, except for one or two threads that only the "oldies" will remember I have used my "aloneness" to feel sorry for myself.
Keep in mind that I'm not out to make him come home at the expense of the business. I have no desire to work there with him.
Or turn into someone I'm not - I don't need ideas on what to do to keep busy (I was single untl I was 35) BUT, Mr. Ruth is not only my husband, he is my best friend on earth. We can talk about anything, even politics!
I DO need help on a major attitude adustment.
Example:
2 nights ago he wasn't home by 8:30 on a night he normally would be and so I called & there he was having some sort of light-hearted bowling competition with some of the customers.
Great, huh? Nice guy and all.
Except that in my heart of hearts I really thought he should say, "Gee I'd love to but I need to get home to my lovely wife..."!!!
So,
I vented.
And better than ANYbody I know how many times I have said "you can't change the other person, you can only change yourself"
I need help changing ME... and I believe that some of you know me better than my "realworld" friends? Does anyone have some thoughts?
Ruth
Sorry you are feeling a little down right now. Next time your husband has a designated bowling night w/some collegues, don't you think he could at least call and let you know he was gonig to be later then normal, or maybe invite you to meet them up there, even if you don't want to bowl. Maybe you wouldn't feel so slighted then??
My suggestion would be for you and Mr. Ruth to designate one night a week or one night every two weeks as a "Date" night. This is your evening to spend time together, you don't nessacarly need to go anywhere, but just be together and maybe play a game or have a nice dinner..?????
I also think that it wasn't fair to leave you on your own without asking you whether you would be ok. He is not wrong for wanting to have fun every now and then, but you should be included or informed.
I am not sure if this is a one-off thing or if happens frequently. Have you spoken to him about the way you feel? If so, what does he say?
Why do you want to change yourself? You are not at fault!
I've seen the advice you give to others and you're a very, very level-headed gal. I think I know what you're feeling though, because my DH works long hours too. He'll stay at work late and have pizza with the guys sometimes or tinker with a motorcycle in the shop. I do understand that you want him to come right home but I think it's hard sometimes, especially for hard-working men, to wind down immediately after work. The little bit of fun he has after work just helps him let off some steam, relax, and connect with people. Something he can't do while he's in the process of running the business. You know you have the power to change your attitude if you can see what's really bothering you. You've got a great hubby (like mine) and I believe you are still first in your husband's eyes. How long have you and "Mr. Ruth" been married by the way?
Hi Ruth! I'm not sure if I can add anything substantial to the suggestions already made, but just wanted to tell you that I can completely understand why you're feeling this way. Does your hubby work seven days a week, or do you at least have some time during the weekend for each other? I used to date a lawyer guy who worked 12 or more hours a day and spent time with his kid during weekends, so I know how frustrating this must be for you. Even if you're not a bowling enthusiast, perhaps you could go there once a week or so and keep your husband company? Ask him to teach you some tricks. Bowling can be a lot of fun once you get a hang of it.
The odds of me learning to love bowling (let alone want to) at age of 51 are pretty slim!
Add weak wrists, low tolerance for smoke filled places, no interest in my whole life for competing in sports activities, a real distaste for drinking (the smell of beer in particular due to some past abuse before Mr. Ruth) and you have a real difficult situation.
Cookie we just had our 17th anniversary, and your post was right on target.
My problem still is more not how to JOIN his new business but how to adapt to a major change in my marriage. I was single so VERY long. I DO know how to keep myself busy. I just didn't think that once I got married (to a guy who worked in advertising 40 - 47 hours a week) I'd end up alone as much as I was before I got married.
We have tried a couple times to set up a "date night". Most recently it would be on Mondays. Then he mentions that he's agreed to sub for someone next Monday. Which probably added to my whole melt down when he was choosing to stay at the lanes a couple nights ago and have "fun". I don't feel slighted that he stays and hangs out a bit, its that he chooses to do that rather than come home.
(I have to keep reading cookie's post, don't I!)
I feel so helpless & hopeless because I have a feeling there really isn't a magic solution for me.
The small silver lining if there is one is that I have plenty of time to spend at HealthBoards - to call my "Aunt of the Heart" whose husband died recently - etc.
Awful that I'd give that all up just to have some time with Mr. Ruth again.
heavy sigh
Aaawww {{{{RUTH}}}} Hon, I didn't know you're going through this.... oh man, (BIG SIGH).
Do you have friends that maybe you can start going out with? Or maybe start volunteering?
Volunteering keeps me grounded in my high-flying life. I am reminded that not everybody has my lifestyle and not everybody can afford the things that I can and worked hard for. It also teaches my child to be humble and never forget the little guys no matter how affluent and successful we all become. Whenever I see those hungry people take a box of food out of my hands and look them all in the eye, I feel God's presence. When I volunteer, I forget all the problems in the office... my dysfunctional family, the guy who cut me off at the freeway and almost caused an accident or whatever else may be bothering me.
Just a thought. I wish there's something I can do personally for you like go to a spa or go to some "chick flick" and have a nice lunch or go to my beach house and just relax or maybe go horseback riding..... I have a friend who's going through a similar situation like yours and she has my beach house for the weekend with her kids.
I hope you can find something to satisfy you and give you peace.
Ruth, have you discussed with your husband how long he expects the long hours situation to last? Is it something temporary for, say a year or two until his business takes off, or is it pretty much going to be this way until he retires? It's not really fair to you to be spending so much time alone when you're married. He must know that you're upset about this. What is he saying about it?
Ruth, have you discussed with your husband how long he expects the long hours situation to last? Is it something temporary for, say a year or two until his business takes off, or is it pretty much going to be this way until he retires? It's not really fair to you to be spending so much time alone when you're married. He must know that you're upset about this. What is he saying about it?
Hi Sophia
Starting a business is tough... my ex and I had a business and the first two years were hard. Long hours, multiple days, non-stop thinking of the business. That's why when I got my divorced, I never started another one. It's a lonely way of life for the first few years, but after the take off, you start seeing the fruits of your long, hard labor.
Oh, my twin, some (((HUGS))) and sunshine I am sending your way.
As you may have guessed, I have felt your pain and I think we both would agree that we seem to think an awful lot alike!!! You & I are relationship loving advocates.....we tell others what to expect, how to heal, advise them on how to make the little changes within themselves to make the BIG changes within their lives, and yet, it is sooo much more difficult to do it for ourselves!! Why is that???
Ruth, I know you would say to me "I already know what I should do " because you are so very good at knowing what to do when it is with somebody else. However, when we are in a fog, meaning in the midst of it ourselves, it is so much more difficult to see. I have a wonderful friend who was my "set of eyes" when I was in the fog and he told me and we have discovered together, that God puts people in our lives to be our eyes when we are unable to see!! I think that you know and have come to believe this too!!
Let your friends here be "your eyes".....I see a wonderful, strong faithfilled and loving friend, wife, and person who is going to be alright. I know that you love Mr. Ruth and he abSOULutely adores you.....the thing is, as a business owner (and my knowledge of what you are feeling being married to one) there are so many more inflexibilities than there are when you are just working for somebody. It becomes a 24/7 job....even on "off time" there is the worry of it's survival in this competive world where businesses are constantly folding up. However, it doesn't mean that a marriage should come to the point that the business totally sucks the life out of it.
Mr. Ruth SHOULD have realized that with some time to spare you would have been elated if he had chosen to spend it with you. But as we all know, we often don't think.....I think it was a spur of the moment thing and he saw he was there and needed to have a little down time to keep the stress down. He seized the moment.
Thing is, my dear friend, sometimes we expect our husbands to be our "best friends" in the sense of hearing everything even our complaint.....and that is where our "real" best friends in life come in handy. I have two "real" life best friends and many friends here who are as "real" as can be who serve in such a capacity. I have found that when I vent to them that when it comes time to work on the issue with Tom I am at my best.....still sunshiney enough to not blow him away with the wind that was storming before I ran it past my "best friends"!! Do you see what I mean??? There is an extent where we can use our spouses as "best friends"......we must be careful that we use them in the right sense of what in means in a 24/7 capacity. I do hope that makes some sense and that you see after coming here and venting to us that the advice given is through the eyes of your friends who are unfogged with emotion and can help you through.
So, Ruth, take hold of our hands and allow us to carry you through. To everything there is a compromise. When you emerge from the fog and the storm that is brewing within....apporach Mr. Ruth with your radiant sunshine and tell him that you love him and miss the time that you had together before the business was around. Tell him that you miss going out on a date and if there is a chance you can put aside a little time together that would be so precious to you!!! I am sure that the Mr. Ruth that loves you will only want to rise to the occasion!!!
Meanwhile....come here and know that we are here for you.
((((HUGS)))) to the one who shares my heart & my soul ~ Goody
Last edited by goody2shuz; 02-04-2006 at 11:35 AM.
Goody I knew that I'd cry if you added something to this thread, and sure enough I did.
It's true that it is the valleys in my life that have made the good times so very wonderful. It was being single & lonely so long that made me appreciate marriage. But every marriage has an inhale & exhale. I've just hit one of those low spots that sometimes appears - only to be followed by the trek up to the top of the mountain again.
Doesn't make it much easier even though it's more helpful than you know (and Heartland if he's about) to have a few threads I recall that apply to me now.
Practically speaking, is there anything to be done for my spirits until it's time for the mountaintop again?
Doesn't make it much easier even though it's more helpful than you know (and Heartland if he's about) to have a few threads I recall that apply to me now.
Practically speaking, is there anything to be done for my spirits until it's time for the mountaintop again?
Ruth...you know all too well that I came here during one of those low spots....in fact as you recall it was often referred to as one of my darkest moments.
I had for some time prayed that He would help me through, I had thought my prayers had gone unanaswered until He led me here. It was then that I realized that angels and friends are everywhere even here at HB......I trusted that I am not alone and I wasn't. I couldn't see, I didn't know where to go and yet I was led from the storm home. For me it took faith, and alot of trust, determination and commitment to turn something I had thought I had lost around. Throw in a pair of ruby slippers and a few friends to make the journey with me and I was led home. We all know that Heartland was dropped in my path at just the right time (along with many others).....I discovered we had a powerful connection through faith & love, that we share similar values, and truly believed that with faith and enough love anything is possible.
So, my dear friend, you ask what may help you while in this valley until you make the journey upward....it takes faith, hope & a whole lotta love!!! And I know you have an abundance of those and if not there are many here who are willing to share. He promised to not leave us alone and we are not alone.....He gave us one another!!!
Love & alot of (((HUGS))) and a hand to help pull you through ~ Goody
Mamma Ruth - you've already gotten such wonderful advice, so I just wanted to add my support and let you know I'm thinking of you, and hoping you and Mr. Ruth can work things out so that both of you are satisfied and have what you need. Lots of love to you.
Thank you Hiya. When I wrote my post I hesitated when I wondered how this must seem to the people who are still single and alone and want marriage to the right person with all their heart & soul. Like you.
It was a surprise to me that I could feel so lonely within a marriage. I'd been alone until I was 35 - this should be a snap.
But there really IS a difference between being alone and being lonely.
Its hard to go back to being alone yet content with just myself for company. (and 4 cats) Instead I am feeling depressed lonliness and that honestly is something new for me.
Maybe that's what I need to work towards. Going back to being alone rather than lonely like this.
You and I spend our evenings more alike than you would have ever thought Hiya.
Thank you Hiya. When I wrote my post I hesitated when I wondered how this must seem to the people who are still single and alone and want marriage to the right person with all their heart & soul. Like you.
It was a surprise to me that I could feel so lonely within a marriage. I'd been alone until I was 35 - this should be a snap.
But there really IS a difference between being alone and being lonely.
Its hard to go back to being alone yet content with just myself for company. (and 4 cats) Instead I am feeling depressed lonliness and that honestly is something new for me.
Maybe that's what I need to work towards. Going back to being alone rather than lonely like this.
You and I spend our evenings more alike than you would have ever thought Hiya.
I hope you wouldn't feel bad about posting any kind of thread that you felt you needed to talk about, Ruthie. Nothing's perfect, there are some married people who envy singles, singles who envy married couples, but nothing's ever perfect, and I know marriage isn't a panacea that cures all of life's difficulties and trials.
I wish I had some good advice for you on the whole going back to being alone and not lonely bit, but in 8 years, I haven't been able to do it either. I don't know, I may sound like a flake, but I really think really loving someone changes you inside. You're never quite the same person again, and I don't really think it's possible to go back to exactly what you were doing before and expect it to work like it did before. I was alone all the time before the ex, but was hardly ever lonely, I really enjoyed my own company. Now I feel lonely all the time and see his face almost every waking minute of the day. I should have something better to tell you by now, but I don't!! But it seems to me that lives continue to flux, even in marriages, though I'm no expert. You have what sounds like a pretty significant need that isn't being met, and I don't know where you are in addressing this issue with your hubby. I think it's good advice to fill up your own life on your own as much as possible, but at the same time, I think you also have a right to expect a little more out of marriage than what you're getting lately. Have you asked your husband if he's willing to make some temporary compromises to devote a little more time to you and your marriage? I know life can get busy and business is important, but relationships are like a living thing. They need nurturing, care and feeding in order to thrive. I don't know if you told us already and I just missed it, but where are you in having a sit down with hubby about what you're feeling and what he can do to help you out?
hi ruth. i am sorry to hear that you are feeling so low. i have always admired your ability to give sane advice in such a diplomatic way to everyone here on the boards. although i am not married, i have been in relationships in which i felt completely alone despite the person sitting beside me. it's a scary feeling, as you know. my only hope for you is that you can ride this wave out without making any sweeping generalization about the state of your existence. this moment will pass. and if it helps at all, maybe there's a way you can improve the quality of the time you have with your husband, since quantity doesn't seem to be up for negotiation. just get through tonight and see what tomorrow brings.
I’m so sorry to hear that your husband’s hours haven’t changed much. When I was self-employed, I worked alone most days and had similar feelings to what you’ve expressed. It didn’t take long for me to realize that “keeping busy” is a poor substitute for human companionship. (I even began to miss my “less than favorite” previous coworkers. ) For me, the answer was to get involved with a few more quality people in my life… and to not treat my wife as my “best friend”.
I’ve been married 34 years and my concept of marriage has changed over the years. As a newlywed, I saw my wife as the source of most of my happiness. More recently, when I became self-employed, I routinely interacted with fewer people on a regular basis and in turn depended more on my wife. This put more stress on her.
Oddly, it took me a long time to realize that we had traded roles emotionally. Early in our marriage, she was a stay at home mom while I worked mostly 45-50 hour weeks. After I was self-employed, she had been working full time a few years. At that point I craved the liberal adult interactions she got at work and unloaded my daily frustrations on her as she arrived home from work… like she had done to me years before. She told me several times that even though she was tired from work, I made it so she often didn’t look forward to coming home because she knew she’d have to deal with my frustrations right after walking in the door. Considering that I had experience similar feelings years before, one would think I’d know better… but I was too focused on my frustrations. Since my wife and I were each other’s best friend, it seemed natural and appropriate for both of us to dump our frustrations on the other when they arrived home. But as Goody said earlier, that takes the sunshine out of coming home and just causes more problems.
So now my view of marriage is that, ideally, it should be the domain of lovers… and not all the problems they encounter. By interacting with more people now and following Goody’s advice about venting to one’s best friends to “protect” the spouse, the amount of stress on our marriage is significantly reduced. When I’m not working my part-time job, I greet my wife at the door when she comes home from work and now receive an immediate smile in return (well, not every time … this is the real world ). It’s not perfect but it is much better than before.
Ruth, as you describe your loneliness and frustration in the absence of your husband, I can only imagine that you could be acting like I did. If that were true at all, I’d think Mr. Ruth might not be filled with joy as he thinks about coming home... after all, it’s a joy to come home to a smiling spouse… and vice versa. My point is that the more you can associate with you best friends (some of whom may be here) and use your husband less in that role, the happier both of you will be. It helped our marriage so please consider Goody’s plan.
Thanks Heartland, we don't get to hear from you half often enough anymore...
I read a book years ago by someone named John Sterling I think. Its was at once both a throwback to "please your man" and far thinking in that it realized that if men are appreciated they will continue any behavior that get them appreciated.
I've been trying for almost two years to "Accept the things I cannot change", greet him with a hug at 10 or 12 pm when he gets home even if I'd give anything to express my own needs.
Him being a little AWOL & then planning to sub on a "date night" just put me over the edge I guess.
Hiya, I am quite the verbal communicator (I'm in alot more trouble emotionally if I don't express my feelings) and I've talked with Mr. Ruth about this since before he signed the papers. It has probably worked to my disadvantage since I'm well aware that "talking" doesn't always do much for the male species. His choices were very clearcut to him and he & is partner have actually done extremely well. Their accountant is tickled! His usual answer is that it will get better. That as they get rid of some of the existing business debts they will be putting in less "sweat equity".
So here's my other question, not that it matters now:
Can a man marry a woman and never once tell her that his lifelong goal is to own a particular business someday?
You know everyone, I just don't want to be needy...that is so not me. I know that I can be alone standing on my head. I just like to be with him. Not all the time, he used to be in leagues 2 nights a week and spend all day Saturday coaching kids, plus a regular full time job and I never batted an eye.
I guess I feel that it is unfair, and I'm gypped, etc. This isn't what I had for the first 15 yrs of our marriage and I'm having a hard time settling for less.
Heavy sigh...
Part of me knows that there is something to be gained from this if I am open to it.
Mostly since I end up with so much time that I could put to good use helping out somewhere.
But... I sure like Mr. Ruth...
I just hope things get better soon. It sounds like you've done everything you can on your end, though I do understand your feelings on him having free time and spending it bowling instead of with you. Hang in there. I hope it's just a little bad patch that will pass soon.
As you noted, men aren't the greatest at communication. I don't know how common it is for men to keep dreams and aspriations a secret from their wives, but I imagine lots of men do it, for fear of not realizing them and being seen as a "failure" in their spouse's eyes. Now that he's begun it, he feels like he must see it through and make it work, for himself and for you. Just hope that he misses you s much as you miss him and will soon make the time to nurture your relationship a little.
Hi Ruth....
been married by the way?
It's not really fair to you to be spending so much time alone when you're married. He must know that you're upset about this. What is he saying about it?
You & I are relationship loving advocates.....we tell others what to expect, how to heal, advise them on how to make the little changes within themselves to make the BIG changes within their lives, and yet, it is sooo much more difficult to do it for ourselves!! 
But as we all know, we often don't think.....I think it was a spur of the moment thing and he saw he was there and needed to have a little down time to keep the stress down. He seized the moment.
