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Old 02-19-2006, 11:42 PM   #1
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Unhappy 4 Year Relationship Near End? Please Read - need to hear from people

Hi everyone. I lurk around on here quite a bit , but usually do not post.
I will try to give a quick history of my current relationship.

I am 28 year old male - Born in Maryland, grew up in New Jersey, and now live in AZ. I've been with my girlfriend since August of 2002 , and we've lived together for about 2 years. After the initial 6 month/1year "floating" phase, we started to figure out more things about each other.

I am a very responsible person - always on time , hold a good job , maintain a very clean living space , etc. I have hobbies , and a small handful of friends that I've kept through my younger years that I still keep in touch with and hang out with.

She is quite the opposite in a lot of ways - not clean , not on time , doesn't really have friends , etc.

Despite these differences, we have come to love each other tremendously - no question about it. Obviously , there have been some issues - and we've gone to couples counseling , and now individual counseling.

What seems to irriate her the most lately , to absolutely no end , are things that I like to do. For instance, I listen to Howard Stern (have since I was 14 or so) , I purchase magazines like ESQUIRE (harmless???) , I feel odd even typing this. She is very insecure , been cheated on in the past by other guys shes dated... It seems ANYTHING at all in society that has to do with sex she is freaked out by whenever I look/listen to it.

I am 100% loyal, never cheated , take extremely good care of her - Just completely selfless in our relationship to make sure she is taken care of. I feel like things are coming to an end , as it seems impossible for her to deal with her insecurities.

I have made plenty of compromises for her - (doing more outdoor activities/not picking up after her/eating out at more different places/the list goes on) ... but asking me to STOP listening to a radio show , or to not dare buy a magazine that has a woman on the cover - to me is going WAY to far.. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells in this relationship and it will never end.

Suggestions/opinions?

 
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Old 02-20-2006, 12:24 AM   #2
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Re: 4 Year Relationship Near End? Please Read - need to hear from people

I don't know how much you can do for her own insecurities, but I certainly wouldn't give up listening to a particular radio show or anything like that.
Personally, I detest Howard Stern, but if a guy I was dating listened to him, it really isn't my place to control his interests.
I don't think giving up any of these things are going to relieve her insecurities anyway. Rather, it would continue to just feed into them. It would show her that her insecurity must have been valid if you felt the need to stop doing it, and then she will find something else.

I think the best thing you can do is just explain to her that you enjoy listening to this show, you listened to it long before she came into your life and you are not going to stop. Ask her what she is really hoping to accomplish by not allowing you to listen to it or what her real problem about it is, and offer her reassurance that she has nothing to be insecure over.
I really think that is the best you can give, and if it doesn't help, then she is the one who is going to have to work through her own problems. Eventually she is going to just have to trust someone. But there is only so much YOU can do to help her reach this point.

 
Old 02-20-2006, 01:45 AM   #3
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Re: 4 Year Relationship Near End? Please Read - need to hear from people

LMH

Thanks for the quick reply - I certainly have not even entertained the idea of giving up a radio show that I listen to! It's just weird to type that, I think it's nonsense.... I believe there has to be a line that is drawn when you begin asking your partner to change what they LIKE. I think it's a bad sign of things to come , honestly.

I did follow what you said , and explained that I had listented to show for about 10 years before I even met her. She fell in love with me , the same person I am now. It's really too bad - I have a feeling the relationship will end, because she is constantly worrying. I also realize there's a certain amount I can do to help , and then that's it. It's up to her. I think we've pretty much reached that point - we shall see.... It's actually a first for me, didn't have much relationship experience prior to this at all.... so haven't been through all this heartache and sick feeling.

 
Old 02-20-2006, 03:03 AM   #4
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Re: 4 Year Relationship Near End? Please Read - need to hear from people

She shouldnt be this way, just because 2 people are togather one should not expect the other to give up the small things in life that one enjoys as long as they are harmless, this is selfishness.I have a friend that did just this when he got married just because his wife didnt enjoy his hobby he gave it up. I am lucky enough that my fiance is not like this at all.

 
Old 02-20-2006, 06:02 AM   #5
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Re: 4 Year Relationship Near End? Please Read - need to hear from people

It sounds to me like your girlfriend has some major insecurities and is trying to mold you into what she wants as this relationship progresses. I've been on her side of things, and it's just as difficult over there. I dated a guy who was completely wrong for me....we had different political beliefs, differen't goals in life, and different ideas on how to spend our time. I spent most of our 2+ year relationship trying to get him to stop being HIMSELF, which was completely the wrong thing to do but at 18 I didn't really know any better. I thought it was trashy that he liked certain TV shows or radio programs and was embarassed about that. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't give up doing certain things if he "really loved me," and he couldn't understand why it was such a big deal.

I've moved on since then and have been with my current boyfriend for six years (we're getting married this summer). For quite a bit of our relationship I wondered if I would start feeling the same as I did with the last guy and get frustrated at our differences. This never happened....in fact, over time I started to find myself accepting and enjoying our differences. Sure, it bothers me when he leaves an empty can in the sink for weeks or shares a different political idea then me, but I have learned that relationships are not about changing who people are...it's about finding someone you are truly compatable with and embracing your differences.

Maybe it's possible that, like me, your girlfriend is feeling frustrated with your relationship because you are two very different people. Howard Stern might seem like the issue here, but obviously something much deeper is going on here. She is trying to change you to be what she wants, and is probably just as frustrated as you because things simply aren't working out. She may need to mature a bit, or maybe your relationship honestly isn't right for either of you. The fact that things have slowly spiraled downward since the first year is NOT a good sign.

One piece of advice I can share from personal experience....don't stay in a dead relationship too long. You will only end up feeling extremely frustrated and wishing you had moved on so you could start meeting new people. I know it's hard to let go of someone that you really thought was "the one," but you can't force a square peg into a circular hole if you get the metaphor. If things aren't working out, you can't just stay there for the security.

If this is JUST about Howard Stern, maybe this is something worth talking over. However, if you are both so frustrated that you are fighting nonstop about this, there are other issues beneath that are causing these feelings. Maybe it's time to take a break?

 
Old 02-20-2006, 06:23 AM   #6
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jeffhurtinaz HB User
Re: 4 Year Relationship Near End? Please Read - need to hear from people

Really good replies - thanks so much EddieDean - makes a LOT of sense... This is helping me think things through a lot -hopefully more people can chime in as well ....

 
Old 02-20-2006, 06:43 AM   #7
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Re: 4 Year Relationship Near End? Please Read - need to hear from people

Love is about acceptance. It sounds to me that you are not the right man for her (no Affence), so she is trying to mould you into her perfect man, but only perfect for her! Everyone is different, and we can never have 100% in common, she has to respect that you have other interests, that she doesn't share! Although I don't agree with her views on the magazine, I can understand that some girls do get jealous, but wanting you to stop lisiting to some 'uncool' music in her eyes, is selfish and unloving and damm right controlling! my ex was a vegetarian, we lived together for four years, and I wasn't allowed to eat meat in the house, or have it in the fridge, just because he wanted me to be more like him! Think of something she likes to do, which you don't, ask her how she would feel if you were to ask her not to carry on with that particular interest, and explain to her that it would be very selfish of you if you did behave in that way! maybe then she will see it from your point of view!

You are still the same person when you met, with the same interests, why should she need you to change now! I don't mean to be nasty, but she is coming across as shallow.

If you stayed in this relationship, you will always be finding yourself having to justify why your looking at a programme, film, book etc etc etc. If you stayed she will try to mould you into someone that is not you. If shes not happy with who you are, let her go. But this is only my opinion, based on what you have said.

Good luck.

 
Old 02-20-2006, 01:10 PM   #8
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Re: 4 Year Relationship Near End? Please Read - need to hear from people

It sounds like she is controlling because she doesn't have other friends and she's needing you to be everything to her. Also if she was cheated on, that would also make her want to keep you on a short leash. I think Howard Stern is a low life, but I can see how people would get off on that. Do you make her listen to it to? Do you listen to it where she can hear it? I think as long as you are doing it without making her listen, then she probably shouldn't tell you to stop listening to it yourself. Well, she can tell you to stop, but that doesn't mean you should. I mean, there are things my boyfriend does that I see as a waste of his time (computer games), but I try to understand why he might like it and what he gets out of it. I complain when he spends too much time playing games, but I don't tell him to stop completely, because I don't think he can or wants to. I'd suggest you try to encourage her to improve her own life, and maybe she will feel more in control of her life, and worry less about how you spend your time.

 
Old 02-21-2006, 09:48 AM   #9
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Re: 4 Year Relationship Near End? Please Read - need to hear from people

I am sorry I disagree, this girl may have false intuition, the fact that she is like she is may have nothing to do with what her boyfriend does or say! Her insecurities probably goe way back to her childhood, even her own parents relationship.

Also this guy should be able to listen to Howard Stern weather his girlfriend is in the house or not!! This is a really selfish suggestion to make, that he should not listen to it when his girlfriend is around, thats like control.

If this guy was watching porn on the telly infront of his girlfriend, then that would be another matter!

 
Old 02-21-2006, 10:40 AM   #10
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Re: 4 Year Relationship Near End? Please Read - need to hear from people

I don't know, I tend to agree with Unicorn on some level, I'm pretty disgusted by Howard Stern, it has nothing to do with insecurity I just think he's a pig and would prefer not to hear it. I probably would slightly doubt the character of whom I was dating if they were genuinely into this (just because of how I am, some people obviously don't care - more power to them!!! It just wouldn't be ideal for my kind of relationship personally) show. But, that said, if she feels that way and you love it - that could just be one of those things that mismatches you two. There are plenty of women out there who could care less about something like that.

Esquire isn't that bad, I'd be irked but would never ask my bf to stop getting it if he did. Truthfully I've had insecurities growing up, the older I get the less they seem to appear, but it also made it very clear to me the kind of man I was looking for to spend my life with. I've found one that has very little interest in those sorts of things (as I am not interested myself either) and it's been a pretty mutually beneficial fact in our relationship.

There's nothing wrong with you or anyone liking to listen to a show or see a magazine, but there might be something wrong with your compatability in what you're both looking for in someone character wise (ie: just different characters, not better or worse).

There's a good chance she won't change her opinion on these things, I think you should definitely ask her how she'd feel if you told her not to do something she loves as well, put it into perspective, but maybe even just dig deeper and find out exactly what about these things bugs her that much. Good luck!!

 
Old 02-21-2006, 11:33 AM   #11
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Re: 4 Year Relationship Near End? Please Read - need to hear from people

I must have married a saint, or at least the right man for me. He hates Howard
Stern, stopped going to strip clubs in LV with his buddies (because he thinks it's cheating to look at other naked women now), won't buy magazines because they're too expensive and calls the women who appear on them ho's.

I'm not judging, I think she needs to find someone who is like her and so do you. To have the start of a good relationship you must have the same interests and allow your significant other to be him/herself and accept them. If you can't do that, then maybe it's time to let go.
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Old 02-21-2006, 07:33 PM   #12
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Re: 4 Year Relationship Near End? Please Read - need to hear from people

Oh my gosh! Your GF sounds like me when I was in my early 20s!

Yep, she's very insecure and the only person who can make her secure in her own skin is your GF. I dated a WONDERFUL (hindsight) guy when I was in that stage in my life. Nothing, N-O-T-H-I-N-G the poor guy did made me secure in ANY possible way. I mean, he bought Newsweek for goodness sake and I was insecure because it had an article of Kathy Ireland who was launching her lamp designs! I mean, com'on, how insecure was I!

Tell you what happened to my ex-wonderful BF since I failed to get myself out of my insecure rut.... he finally got fed up with me, dumped me, found another sweet, "secure" girl and they are now married with 2 kids. That drove me even more insecure because I know that I'm MUCH prettier, sexier, smarter, taller, better at everything than this girl could EVER imagine!

That's when I got my crap together..... I started loving myself. I know that wonderful BF would love me more today as I am now, instead, I fell in love with another, BETTER, WONDERFUL BF. Plus, hon, maturity came into play.

Good luck hon. If you're willing to wait it out and be patient, she'll come around. But at what expense?



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