It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 02-28-2006, 08:19 PM   #1
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 165
Stef457 HB User
Need Dating Advice

I've been trying online dating for about 3 weeks now, for the first time. For the last week, I was contacted by this guy who seems attractive and wholesome. We share the same ethnicity/religion and age is just right.

We are emailing back & forth, just about how the day went, week end went etc, and that's it. He stresses alot about how hard it is to find honest, genuine people & I agree completely.

So far he responds every other day, and he is on the dating site once a day or sometimes every other day. My question is: is he interested in me? I respond the way he responds, every other day, I ask about his day etc, and he seems thankful for that.

But I cannot read him. He hasn't asked to meet up, and I'm glad b/c I don't think I'm ready to meet up. But I just can't tell if he's interested? Should he email all the time if he were interested in me? Or is he just fine emailing once every other day?

Like I said, I'm new to this. I'm actually not interested in even looking at other guys on the site. He really seems like "the one" that would suit me.

Any advice on this? I'm thinking he is contacting other girls as well? I don't want to be infatuated with a fantacy, but I'm really ready to settle down, and I just don't want to mess around.

 
Old 02-28-2006, 09:32 PM   #2
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 13
nodda HB User
Re: Need Dating Advice

Hi Stef457,

I am by no means an expert on online or dating in general, but I am currently experiencing what you are, to a degree, so maybe this will help. Basically, I have been using one site for a while, maybe 5-6 months. I used to keep trying and trying to email, smile, and IM with different girls, and became increasingly despondent when nothing ever worked out. Then, just over a week ago, I thought that I was probably taking the wrong approach, so I decided to just sit back and take it easy, which was a good thing, because a girl emailed me, not only that, but she was the first one out of like 10 or so who have expressed interest in me that I felt any interest or connection in.

It started off with a real basic email, but since then, we wrote each other back similar to you, once a day. After a couple of exchanges, the emails got alot longer and more detailed, but we both seemed to have kept them friendly, open and flirty. Anyways, I decided after a while that it was time to take things further, so I asked her to meet for a drink, which she has agreed to, and we are meeting tomorrow! Anyways, I just kind of had a feeling that she was waiting for me to do so; her email before that was kind of short, and I somehow 'sensed' in it that she was waiting for me to act, maybe just the manner she wrote, I dont know, but her next email after that she already was wanting to meet the next day, suggesting a time/place.

So I guess the best thing I can say is to take it easy and at the right pace for you - are you expressing subtly at all in your emails that you want to meet, or perhaps talk on the phone or something - as long as the emails stay interesting, friendly and flirty, dont think you have to worry, just dont wait too long, or maybe even suggest if you want to meet in some subtle fashion if he dosent - I used to be really shy and afraid to ask girls out but now I am acting much more confidently.

I know what you mean with whether he is contacting other girls - I am also wondering if she is contacting other guys. She is quite attractive so I dont doubt that she gets smiles and emails on a regular basis, but what keeps me happy is that she chose to spend her money to email me and to meet so quickly, so hopefully there is that 'weeding out' process - like I said, I could have emailed/ probably eventually met with some 8-10 girls since I revised my profile a couple months back, but this is the only one with whom I have been serious about getting to know, and it seems the same with her - as of now, I am not contacting any other girls, and would be perfectly happy not even using the site anymore it it works out with her, because I would have no need to. She also is of a similar cultural background to me, and close in age - I have always gone after girls alot younger than me in the past, and I think its time to step it up a bit. Good luck to you!

Last edited by nodda; 02-28-2006 at 09:33 PM.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 03-01-2006, 12:29 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 520
t_411 HB Usert_411 HB Usert_411 HB User
Re: Need Dating Advice

Hi, I have used online dating several times.
Once I meet a guy on there I liked, I stopped contacting all other members till I knew how we would turn out. So, at first, I picked a guy I thought was cute, etc. We got along good via email, then later the phone and web came and after about 7 months we met (we took so long to meet because he was in a different country). Well, if I had just met him earlier, I would have known right away that he was not the one. He was different in "real life" than on the phone and web cam. Looked much different too.

Our second day together, we did not get along at all and I was stuck in another country for 2 weeks! So, i tried to make the best of it but he was just a negative, angry type of person who would insult anyone for no reason. He NEVER showed this side to me before we met and I put 7 months into getting to know him before this! Big waste of time and effort!

Well, after that I didn't trust anything too much till AFTER I met and spent some time with the person. So, with the second person, he was cute, funny, we clicked (online) so, after 2 weeks of seeing him on web cam, emailing and talking on the phone, I met him. He was about 15 years older than he let on to be so, you can't always tell even through web cam! He turned out to have some very odd quirks that I never noticed online. Such as compulsive snapping his fingers "constantly" as fast as he could no matter where or what we were doing which drove me nuts (and I'm pretty laid back and easy to get along with according to friends and family).
Plus this guy tried to have sex with me right away. Even though he was sweet and played the whole like you so much, something special about you, true love for us game while online, he too was much different in real life.

I was getting tired of all this at this point so, after some time decided to go at it again but wiser and more watchful... So I found my 3rd guy who I got along with soooooooo well!
He was such a sweet and thoughtful person. I just knew he was the one! After about 3 months of keeping in touch, him sending me sweet poems, etc., we met at a hotel (we had different rooms though).
All was great! He was perfect and so into ME! So much so that I decided to take him to my house (i live with my brother so, I knew I'd be safe) and as soon as we pulled up to my house, he changed his personality, attitued, everything. (i'm not rich, by the way, not broke either.. nor did I advertise myself to be rich) This guy was eager to go around my town and see where all the cool places were and all the hot spots.
Then he wanted to go to the airport to get a rental car (he said so he could see some sites or do shopping if he wanted). So, I took him to do all these things.
We went back to the hotel and he tried to have sex with me. I wouldn't. Then the truth came out of his mouth! He insulted me, said I did not have enough money to take care of him (i thought he had a great job, by the way, because he had said so all along). He said that he can't move here (i NEVER ask him to or ever implied it - heck, I was just meeting him for the first time!) and he said that if I had my own business or more money he would have me! I once again had met a DUD! Even with careful planning and inspection.
I went home. Later I went out with my brother and ran into this guy and he was hitting on everyone!!! Telling them bad things about me that were not true (this was in my home town!)- I found out later that this guy was married and his wife was at home pregnant and thinking he was away on business!!! I could have died right there!

So, I didn't date online for a year or so and then tried it yet once again recently.
The next guy was older than I was looking for but he had everything else going for him that I was looking for and we got along great! We decided to meet in one week because we had both met crazy people from online and didn't want to waste much time till we knew for sure after meeting.
So we met for a date. We really hit it off. He was so easy to talk to, very attractive, smart, funny, both wanted the same things, etc... We had a great date!
Then I went to meet him in his city. He had a very clean, organized home, great cook, loads of fun, great friends, great family. I thought I'd died and went to heaven!!! Then I laid the towell I had on my hair into the bathroom floor (because there was no where to hang it oddly enough and I needed to dry my hair) then he walks by and see's it in the floor. He flipped out! Said that things are not meant to be in the floor, everything has it's place and it's not acceptable, bla bla bla.... You would have thought I'd have taken a crap in the floor by how bad he was freaking out. I could see right away WHY his place was overly perfect. He was so rude to me at that point and couldn't understand why I didn't think it was a big deal. I told him to relax a bit and he said he was very easy going and not obsessive at all so, I wadded up a sheet of paper and tossed it to the other side of the room.... he went running after it like it was a million bucks! I told him, SEE, you are toooooo anal and need to loooosseenn up for GOD's sake! So the rest of the time he was following me around like I was a 2 year old, nit picking everything I did! I had to get out of there before that guy picked me appart!

So, I tried one last time to find Mr. right online and again met someone great, who claimed they were not keeping in touch with anyone else after finding me and he just knew we would be great together (and we did get along really well). BUT this time I took a different rout in order to find out the truth.

I opened up a second user account (a fake one as bait). I made sure the girls photo I used was good looking and similar to me because this guy seemed to have a "type". The dating site I was on had a chat service the members could use so, I stayed logged on and showed him interest when I knew he was online and he took the bait right away- chatting my fake girl up!

I called him to see what he would tell me he was doing while he was online chatting to this fake person I made up and he told me he had to run to the store and would call me back... I said ok and then continued to chat with him online with my fake account to see what he would say and so on. He believed this girl was real (really it was me). He ended up saying almost word for word the exact thing he said to "catch" me.
Then said he had not found anyone on the site he liked yet till he saw her and that he was wanting to get married and so on and he thinks they were a perfect match.
He also, made up a different "life" story than he had told me before........ It was near time for him to call me back and he then told the girl he "thought" he was chatting to that he had to go to work and would see her online again tomorrow.
Then my phone rang and guess who it was!
I could hardly keep it in but I just had to hear what kind of lie he would tell me next. He went on to fill me full of crap and I just couldn't take it anymore. I had found out enough so, I laughed and said, do you just run around from woman to woman trying to make them think you're ready to find "the one" and get married, live happily ever after? He said NOOOO, whyyyy? I told him he was a liar and a cyber ***** (can i say that word in here?), who was messing with womens minds! Even though I had caught him, he continued to lie and I told him that he was chatting to me before NOT the girl he thought he was and he continued to lie, and lie.....
UNREAL.
I'd like to give you dating advise for online but I've tried everything and none of it worked for me.
I say make a fake profile on the site you know him from, show him interest from that profile and see what happens. You just might save yourself from a lot of bad situations and bad people.
Good luck & be careful!
T.

 
Old 03-01-2006, 07:50 AM   #4
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 165
Stef457 HB User
Re: Need Dating Advice

I absolutely will not meet a guy just after a few emails, let alone another country! I am very careful, almost too afraid at times, so I always take precautions.

Like I've said, this is my first time trying this out, and apparantly not very successful. I am being contacted by weird older guys too, that I delete and block right away.

But with this one, I actually got excited about. However, last time he emailed was Saturday and today is Weds! I responded to him Sunday night. I guess he's not interested. This is just so hard, but I've been at it for almost 3 weeks.

It's too cold out to even go out at night. My friends are engaged/committed and I have become the "third wheel" so to speak, lol. They told me that they need to find me someone so we can all go out.

So I guess this guy may not be interested. I even didn't end the email with "talk to you soon" I just wrote "take care" thinking I'll talk to you soon anyway! I don't know if I'm ready too much into this. I guess I should just see it as an experience or a fun game, as my friends told me, but I just can't help to think at 29 I just feel like I'm running out of time!

 
Old 03-01-2006, 10:51 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 520
t_411 HB Usert_411 HB Usert_411 HB User
Re: Need Dating Advice

There's always the possibility that he is married which would limit the time and frequency he could contact you. There are loads of possibilities though because it's the internet and people can pretend to be anything they can dream up.

 
Old 03-01-2006, 02:55 PM   #6
Inactive
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: The Sonoran Desert
Posts: 209
All_Sevens HB User
Re: Need Dating Advice

tPanic:

Your long account about internet dating is a classic. It's just so easy to lie and manipulate on the internet. I tried internet dating, also, but really it was like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Email eliminates the most important non-verbal communication. I finally convinced myself to give up this approach about five years ago.

Since then, I've returned to the old fashioned method of going out the door, circulating as much as possible, and talking to people who seem to be on the same frequency as me. I've had two very interesting and fulfilling relationships in the last five years, and I'm currently still involved in one of them. My dating life improved dramatically, just by doing simple things like socializing more, taking my dog to the park, and having the courage to step out of my shell a little bit.

 
Old 03-01-2006, 05:08 PM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 5,545
SophiaM HB User
Re: Need Dating Advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by All_Sevens
tPanic:

Your long account about internet dating is a classic. It's just so easy to lie and manipulate on the internet. I tried internet dating, also, but really it was like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Email eliminates the most important non-verbal communication. I finally convinced myself to give up this approach about five years ago.

Since then, I've returned to the old fashioned method of going out the door, circulating as much as possible, and talking to people who seem to be on the same frequency as me. I've had two very interesting and fulfilling relationships in the last five years, and I'm currently still involved in one of them. My dating life improved dramatically, just by doing simple things like socializing more, taking my dog to the park, and having the courage to step out of my shell a little bit.
That has been my experience as well. I'm sure there are some great people online, but it's just so hard to weed them out from all the players and liars, and flakes. I tried to find a boyfriend online a couple of times, and it was all unsuccessful and short lived. My only long term relationships were from meeting people by chance, in the course of my daily life. Sometimes we do have to get out of our shells, like you said, although I noticed that it seems harder to meet someone by chance the older one gets.

 
Old 03-01-2006, 05:38 PM   #8
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 165
Stef457 HB User
Re: Need Dating Advice

I agree with the last 2 posts, 100%
I really feel to completely get off this site and just get outthere, but my friends and my brothers are telling me to give it a little more time.

I am getting discouraged, even though I shouldn't. I'm very pretty and smart - I guess I fell into my mother's harsh criticism and overbearing mothering.

I just need to get out of my shell somehow, and I think this will be the hardest thing I'll have to do in my life -I have to start believing in myself and gain courage. I cannot believe how hard this has become for me - if I don't change this mentallity now then it will never happen.

 
Old 03-01-2006, 06:34 PM   #9
Inactive
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: The Sonoran Desert
Posts: 209
All_Sevens HB User
Re: Need Dating Advice

One thing that really helped me was to visit with a counselor several times. I was really tired of being alone, and of not knowing how to start being more social. So, when I finally made an appointment to visit a counselor, I was really ready to be straight about what was happening with me and listen to someone who was trained to help people untangle their problems. Sometimes, your friends or your relatives can't give you the kind of feedback that you really need.

I was lucky to find a good one, a wise woman in her 50s, and she made it really easy for me to talk. That was the big thing, she was an excellent listener, which acted as sort of a clear mirror for me. Then, her advice tended to be very simple, like "It's time for you to have some fun", and "What sort of activities whould your really like to do?", and "Think about some volunteer opportunities", and "Have you written down what is absolutely important for you in a relationship?". Another thing she taught me was that everyone has something very special to offer, including me.

 
Old 03-01-2006, 08:14 PM   #10
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 648
Fabat40 HB User
Re: Need Dating Advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stef457
Like I said, I'm new to this. I'm actually not interested in even looking at other guys on the site. He really seems like "the one" that would suit me.

Any advice on this? I'm thinking he is contacting other girls as well? I don't want to be infatuated with a fantacy, but I'm really ready to settle down, and I just don't want to mess around.
Dear Stef,

Don't narrow your playing field so soon. Play the game and what I mean by that is go out with all the single men on your list, and I don't mean mind games. First of all, has he proven himself that "he's the one?" I'm not being harsh here, I'm just trying to open up your eyes to what you may be missing out on .

One thing I see a lot of women do is immediately drop all the other good men in their "pool of choice" so quickly because one is absolutely more charming than the others. Give yourself some time to get to know each and one of them first before you make a final decision. That way, you would know who truly deserves your company. Take your time in choosing and choose wisely. Don't promise yourself to a man who may not be a gentleman.
Let them court you.... that's one thing is missing nowadays, courting. My fiance courted me for 2 years before I said yes to him. Besides, it's so romantic.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 
Old 03-01-2006, 09:19 PM   #11
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 165
Stef457 HB User
Re: Need Dating Advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by All_Sevens
I was lucky to find a good one, a wise woman in her 50s, and she made it really easy for me to talk. That was the big thing, she was an excellent listener, which acted as sort of a clear mirror for me. Then, her advice tended to be very simple, like "It's time for you to have some fun", and "What sort of activities whould your really like to do?", and "Think about some volunteer opportunities", and "Have you written down what is absolutely important for you in a relationship?". Another thing she taught me was that everyone has something very special to offer, including me.
Thank you very much for pointing this out to me. Yes we all have a purpose in life, and to show any kind of anxiety is really showing lack of faith. I'm quite religous myself, and sometime I am very upset with myself for thinking so low of myself. I guess this was all b/c of the very bitter relationship I've had/have with my mother.

I understand about playing the field, Fabat40, however this is very hard to do online. You really don't know how honest the guy is on the other end.

However, this guy seemed just that, very honest & decent. The only thing I can think of is that he does not think I'm attractive, though he did not mention I'm not his type.
Well it's Thursday and I have not received an email from him. What can I say, he's not interested. I feel I've missed out on many things in my life, due to lack of self-esteem and an unsupportive mother. I just need to find some inner strength.

I would never just go out with anyone. However he did seem like "the one," I guess I was wrong. I just feel the need to be in a relationship at the moment, only b/c I want to just find some joy in caring for someone who will do the same for me. Sorry, I don't want to sound pathetic!

 
Old 03-02-2006, 05:55 AM   #12
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: USA
Posts: 1,542
keepsgoin HB User
Re: Need Dating Advice

You'll hear horror stories about dating on line but you will also hear great stories about dating on line. The successful stories that I know of (mine included) aren't those of dating services though, those are the bad stories I hear! The successful ones involve meeting someone just by chance like at a forum like this or just chatting about a subject that's interesting to you. I met my BF at a forum and we are together over a year. I have a nephew that met his sweety(wife now) just chatting about music that they both like and just hit it off, they've been together for about 5 or 6 years and get along great. Also my BF's X met her BF while chatting and they are together for 2 years I guess...poor guy...haha! I hope she doesn't treat him like she did my BF all those years they were together!!!! Don't expect to know someone after IMing and e-mailing or phoning though...there's nothing like being with someone in person to reveal the real person!
__________________
I tells it likes a sees it

 
Old 03-02-2006, 09:25 PM   #13
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 165
Stef457 HB User
Re: Need Dating Advice

Okay, stupid question, but those who have been following: do I email this guy again? He hasn't responded to my email I sent this past Sunday evening.

I don't know why I'm hooked - I am not desperate! I just feel like I'm giving up or taking this thing too seriously. You think he has moved on? He hasn't logged in for about 2 days, however we were emailing with personal email addresses.

This other guy contacted me today, cute and decent profile, but he is 38, I'm 29! I felt he was too old and that's what I replied, and he didn't reply back. But he stated he was looking for a serious relationship. Did I give up on him too soon as well? I just don't know how to flirt and I don't want to give the wrong impression either. But how will I meet someone when I'm constantly setting this bar that, so far, no one has attempted to reach...am I nuts??

 
Old 03-03-2006, 09:09 AM   #14
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 5,545
SophiaM HB User
Re: Need Dating Advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stef457
Okay, stupid question, but those who have been following: do I email this guy again? He hasn't responded to my email I sent this past Sunday evening.

I don't know why I'm hooked - I am not desperate! I just feel like I'm giving up or taking this thing too seriously. You think he has moved on? He hasn't logged in for about 2 days, however we were emailing with personal email addresses.

This other guy contacted me today, cute and decent profile, but he is 38, I'm 29! I felt he was too old and that's what I replied, and he didn't reply back. But he stated he was looking for a serious relationship. Did I give up on him too soon as well? I just don't know how to flirt and I don't want to give the wrong impression either. But how will I meet someone when I'm constantly setting this bar that, so far, no one has attempted to reach...am I nuts??
Hi Stef! Well, it seems to me that this guy has decided not to continue the correspondance. He had plenty of days to respond to your email, but he chose not to. Personally, I would not email him again, but I guess if you really want to, you can send him a quick neutral email and see if he responds this time. Unfortunately, a lot of people online just drop out of the picture, for no apparent reason. That's just the nature of the beast. There were so many times when I was attempting online dating, that a guy would correspond with me for some time, then suddenly stop, with no explanation. Sometimes they would email again in a few weeks, even months, and act as if they just spoke to you yesterday! The anonymity and volume of people on online dating sites forsters this kind of a flaky behavior, which would definitely be considered rude in real life. You have to develop a thick skin for this type of dating and learn not to take things personally. Some men are on it just for fun, with no intention of ever meeting anyone. You simply don't know what motivation a person has.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Need some help understanding where to go from here... cmlyna Relationship Health 5 09-27-2008 12:10 PM
Need help with girls!! Mattm4000 Relationship Health 3 10-01-2006 08:14 PM
Need advice on dating again... mismax Relationship Health 12 06-02-2006 07:09 AM
need opinions here... RachelMichelle Relationship Health 85 02-09-2006 06:56 PM
Latest Update with Online Dating greeneyes100 Relationship Health 439 10-05-2005 05:51 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (272), rosequartz (254), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (155), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (95), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1166), MSJayhawk (1000), Apollo123 (899), Titchou (835), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (758), ladybud (747), sammy64 (668), midwest1 (665), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:57 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!