just a thought - Relationship Health Message Board

lady346 · 03-03-2006, 07:28 AM

I've noticed throughout a lot of these threads here (started by people like myself that were broken up with and had trouble dealing with the shock of it all) that the common consensus is to suck it up and not let the person know what you are feeling, i.e., no phone calls, texts, anything- let the person call YOU so that you don't 'drive them away'.

I am not for stalking the person by any means! I think there is a huge difference between contacting the person to try and get finite answers as to what had happened (as I did) vs. stalking the person down and continuing to contact after they have expressed the notion that they want to be left alone. So I can understand, in the more extreme situations of continuous contact, why people say "leave the person alone, you're making a fool of yourself!" I can definitely agree with THAT situation.

However, I guess I am just somewhat at a disagreement with the idea that we must repress all of our emotions in front of the other person, the one that we trusted who doesn't want to be with us anymore, in order to not push them away. In order to possibly allow them to 'come back'. In my opinion, this is making it worse for oneself. You were already betrayed by the person you loved, you are the 'victim', so to speak, and now you have to refrain from contacting them so that they might come back and not get pushed away? Why is it all about the other person? The one that hurt you?

For me, once they choose to end the relationship, I don't care if what I do pushes them away- they're already gone. Yes, I let my ex drag me around for a month because I loved him and it was out of nowhere and I was completely shocked and devastated...but I think in my heart, I knew he was gone, and therefore I didnt care how I came off. I cried, and I asked questions, and sent a few emails, and while I kept my dignity and didn't swear at him or stalk him down, sometimes I find myself regretting what I did when I read these threads and think "Oh god, I pushed him away...maybe he would have come back had I not done that". And then that makes me angry! I guess my point is, why would I have to further sacrifice my heart and emotions during the pain of having someone hurt me so much by keeping it all in and making it easier for the othe person? It just seems to be so one-sided.

I guess all in all I am just frustrated that it seems to be all about the other person, and making sure you dont push THEM away, and that you dont look pathetic to THEM. What about our feelings? I would never wish the pain that I experienced during my break-up on anyone...and I can't imagine what it would have been like had I held it all in and not contacted my ex. How easy it would have been for him! I know people deal with things differently, and some people don't deal with pain y talking it out and letting their emotions show. This might have been my way to deal- but I guess am just feeling...confused (? I guess) after reading on these threads "Dont call, dont call, you're pushing him away, etc etc." over and over again. In some situations I disagree. I know that people will say that you don't want to give the other person a large head, or make yourself seem pathetic, etc...I agree, and I agree with the statement "If you love them, let them go", but to a point. Sometimes I feel that the 'dont make any contact' standard so that you 'don't push them away' can really make it worse for yourself- its very self-sacrificial. Why make it all about them? I think sometimes, contacting the other person is part of the healing process. I also think that, had I witheld all of my feelings to not push the person away, and the person eventually came back, I would resent them forever for putting me through what they did.

I think I am just venting here, and I dont know if this makes sense, but I am always open for feedack

sugarpye · 03-03-2006, 07:34 AM

I can definately realte to what u are saying. Well said. My ex hated the thought of putting effort into anything in his life and as soon as after a few years i told him he needs to put the effort in cause this isnt going to work as a one way street...where he gets what he wants when he wants and im left to get what i want when its conviennt for him (in all aspects) He decided to leave "too much work" so i was devistated cry and crying for him to come back. about a week or so later i thought to myself..WHY why would i want to live the rest of my life with someone who doesnt want to put in the effort for me....so im done i have moved on and i have been happier in the last couple mths then i was on my happiest days with him...cause really it was all about him all the time not me. Its MY turn. It definately depends on the situation of how it all ended but in my case.....I AINT chasing after that...why i wont be happy if it comes back!

just some words of inspiration!!

US40126 · 03-03-2006, 07:40 AM

Hi Citygirl, I have to say I agree, but on another note, I think by the time people reach this forum they are already through the "call him to get answers" stage. And then they come here. So for the majority of people on this board I think the "do not call" rule is good. I think that at a point you just need to live for youself and not worry about the ex. I'm at the point in my breakup that I just don't want to talk to him (I did the breaking up but I still love him). I think when all the mean things are said, that both people just need time to cool off, so to say. Nothing good will come of continuing something that was bad to begin with. Just my thoughts

eve40 · 03-03-2006, 07:41 AM

Hi Citygirl,
I think you misunderstand the concept of No Contact. You don't cut off communication, so that they will come back. You cut contact because you know, because they've broken up with you, that they ARE NOT comming back. It is only through distancing yourself, that you can start to heal.
As for closure, it's overrated and more often then not, used as an excuse to continue contact with someone who is no longer interested. When they break up, well THAT is the end. They know you still care for them. If they still cared, they wouldn't have broken up with you. Closure NEVER satifys the one who got dumped. It is never clear, or enough, or what they wanted to hear. There will NEVER be an answer, good enough, to explain the pain you are going thnrough. No Contact gives you the space and peace, you need, to regain your dignity now and whatever small amount of objectivity we might be able to gain, when looking back.

keepsgoin · 03-03-2006, 08:08 AM

I think that it's very easy for us to tell someone what they need to do...doing it is a whole different story! Maybe some of the advise is from people that made that mistake in the past and they don't want others to make the same mistake as they did. Don't feel stupid for doing what you felt that you had to do at the time! I wish there was a "How To" manual for how to handle relationship break-ups but there isn't. When someone breaks off what you feel was a good relationship...you want answers! You may not get them but you sure's the heck want them!