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Old 03-10-2006, 09:24 AM   #1
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Verbal Abuse...Is it worth taking in a good relationship?

Hello,

Ok where do I start.........I am in a great marriage(huh). We have 4 children and we are only 28 and every thing is good. until, we get into an argument, which we rarely do, but when we do it's as if I am his worst enemy. As you can tell, we are going through one right now. But the things he says to me like:

Im not worth *****, Im irresponsible, I do the stupidest things, your're so stupid, b*tch, F****ing hoar, c**t, sl*t, piece of *****, he has threatened to choke the ***** out of me, he tell me Im a bad mother, he can do better than me, he can do better with out me, he can find someone better than me, If he leaves me, I would crush and die, I don't mean **** to him, You're ugly, You're fat.. It could go on and on. and we could argue over the simplest things.

He is a great father. When we are not arguing it's perfect, I mean perfect, he loves me up all the time, flirts with me, makes me feel great. But when he does this to me, it really effects me. He tells me that's just the way he is when he gets mad. I mean I have been with him for 10 years. I've asked him to stop but his temper just takes over him. He won't get help. He doesn't think he needs any. I really love him and I would hate to divorce over this, but it's getting really old and I feel I don't deserve it. Is the verbal abuse worth taking?
I need some advise.

Last edited by antrought; 03-10-2006 at 09:27 AM.

 
Old 03-10-2006, 10:08 AM   #2
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Re: Verbal Abuse...Is it worth taking in a good relationship?

Well you should ask yourself that question,but to me it would never be worth taking verbal abuse my lord he says some terrible stuff to you that has to come from somwhere and its not you I am sure you are a great woman.I hope yalls kids do not hear him say things like that to you that would be very very bad they take everything in as you know im sure.I dunno girl I wouldnt be putting up with it if you want try and make it work then as you said he needs counseling if he wont even try it out then you should get rid of him what is he dr jeckle? What kind of things do you two argue over? When things are not the way he wants it? or what? whatever the reason no its not worth it in my opinion

 
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Old 03-10-2006, 10:24 AM   #3
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OutToLunch HB User
Re: Verbal Abuse...Is it worth taking in a good relationship?

Quote:
Originally Posted by antrought
But the things he says to me like:

Im not worth *****, Im irresponsible, I do the stupidest things, your're so stupid, b*tch, F****ing hoar, c**t, sl*t, piece of *****, he has threatened to choke the ***** out of me, he tell me Im a bad mother, he can do better than me, he can do better with out me, he can find someone better than me, If he leaves me, I would crush and die, I don't mean **** to him, You're ugly, You're fat..He tells me that's just the way he is when he gets mad...Is the verbal abuse worth taking?
There's no excuse for this kind of abuse and you should stand for any of it. Pure and simple.

 
Old 03-10-2006, 10:28 AM   #4
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Re: Verbal Abuse...Is it worth taking in a good relationship?

If there is verbal abuse, anytime, any kind, it is not a good relationship.

 
Old 03-10-2006, 10:28 AM   #5
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Re: Verbal Abuse...Is it worth taking in a good relationship?

my sister went thru something similar with her husband. he would get angry and just hurl insults at her non-stop. she couldn't even walk away because he would follow her while still yelling. he started doing it shortly after they were married, and she told him that if he ever spoke to her that way again she was leaving. naturally, he was good for a while but then went back to his old ways. she has left him twice now, and they are in counseling. but he continues to lose his temper this way.

if i were you, i would give him the ultimatum of going to anger management/counseling, either on his own or with you, or tell him you're leaving. this is eroding your self-esteem, not to mention what it's doing to your children if they overhear this.

 
Old 03-10-2006, 10:30 AM   #6
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antrought HB User
Re: Verbal Abuse...Is it worth taking in a good relationship?

thanks tn for replying back. well i just got back from meeting with him from lunch and he was really upset because i took out 13 dollars from our account with out telling him. because i wanted lunch. so now he's calling me a liar and a hoar because he thinks i'm cheating on him. and he just spit in my face. .................. all for 13 dollars. I am a good woman/wife. I DO deserve better. But I'm just scared, do be honest, I don't want to be a single mother of 4. It hurts really bad. and the worst thing is I'm at work and i'm trying to hold it all in.

 
Old 03-10-2006, 10:36 AM   #7
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Re: Verbal Abuse...Is it worth taking in a good relationship?

spitting in your face is out of control. there's no reason for that kind of behavior. i cannot possibly imagine what it's like to be a single mother of four, so i'm sure it seems really scary. but what's even scarier is the idea of this guy hurting you or killing you, which seems like a possibility. do you have any family/friends that can help you out with money or somewhere to go if you need it? do they know that this is going on at all?

 
Old 03-10-2006, 10:42 AM   #8
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Re: Verbal Abuse...Is it worth taking in a good relationship?

thanks opielonghorn,

I just relized it today. but i don't know where to go, i don't have family here, there are all in the west coast and i'm in the east. it's hard, it's really hard. i would take a plane today over there but i will not leave my kids and I don't have that kinda money to just leave. I wish I did. But I can just see it now. I go home and after a while we start talking and everything is suppose to be fine and dandy. i've tried leaving once before, but ofcourse he blames me for breaking up the family. WOW 10 years of my life. that's all I know.

 
Old 03-10-2006, 10:50 AM   #9
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Re: Verbal Abuse...Is it worth taking in a good relationship?

No matter how much you love someone, no matter the good times, not matter the affection, it's never going to get better unless you take the initiative and do something about it.

I see three options:

1. You could give him an ultimatum. Get anger management counseling or you'll leave him (and follow through on it if he refuses).

2. Divorce him with no ultimatum. (If you firmly believe there's no hope)

3. Live with the vulgar name-calling and insults (which your children will eventually learn too).

The verbal abuse is not worth taking, especially if you want to hold on to your own self-worth and you want your children to have good self-esteem. It's destructive. It doesn't lead to a resolution during an argument. It doesn't lead to a compromise. It only leads to more of the same verbal abuse, which by the way, becomes easier and easier over time.

 
Old 03-10-2006, 10:52 AM   #10
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Re: Verbal Abuse...Is it worth taking in a good relationship?

Antrought,
I must have posted this as you were posting again. Apparently, you've made a decision, but just aren't sure how to do it.

 
Old 03-10-2006, 10:54 AM   #11
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cookiepls HB User
Re: Verbal Abuse...Is it worth taking in a good relationship?

Is there any way you and the kids can stay there and have him move out?

 
Old 03-10-2006, 10:55 AM   #12
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Re: Verbal Abuse...Is it worth taking in a good relationship?

Honey, you need to go. His verbal abuse is turning into physical abuse...he spit in your face. That is the lowest, most disrespectful thing a person can do to another. He has issues, and I don't think they are going to go away. Trust me, verbal abuse is enough to destroy your self worth, actually it is the worst kind of abuse there is. Now he is spitting in your face to top it off!!! You have been his wife and the mother of his children for 10 years and this it the respect you get. Get away from him, he sounds dangerous.

 
Old 03-10-2006, 10:56 AM   #13
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Re: Verbal Abuse...Is it worth taking in a good relationship?

i think i know how to do it, i mean if there is a will there is a way. but i am really scared. I don't want my kids to look at me as the one who broke up the family. I don't want to be the one who broke up the marriage. I don't want to be the one to blame. He has really put into my mind that it's my fault. I love this man with all my heart. I just wish he would stop.

 
Old 03-10-2006, 11:02 AM   #14
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Re: Verbal Abuse...Is it worth taking in a good relationship?

OMG! He spit in your face???!!! Worry about what others will think some other time if you want to but for now, call your family on the west coast. Ask them to help you and the kids get out of there. You can put some things in storage if you have to, and you might not be able to take the kids and put them all on a plane, but you can find another place to live temporarily if your family or maybe friends at work will help you financially.

 
Old 03-10-2006, 11:04 AM   #15
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Re: Verbal Abuse...Is it worth taking in a good relationship?

Quote:
Originally Posted by antrought
i think i know how to do it, i mean if there is a will there is a way. but i am really scared. I don't want my kids to look at me as the one who broke up the family. I don't want to be the one who broke up the marriage. I don't want to be the one to blame. He has really put into my mind that it's my fault. I love this man with all my heart. I just wish he would stop.
You have a good reason to be scared. Make sure your family and friends know about this and that you are planning to do something. Have someone with you. Honey, your'e not the one who broke up the family and chances are if your children has seen or heard his behavior, they already know who is breaking up the family. Please don't blame yourself, that is part of him verbally abusing you, to make you feel as though it's your fault, somehow there is something you have done or said to make him act like this. Don't buy into that. I realize you may love him, but he has treated you this way for a very long time, the odds are he's not going to stop. You deserve better.

 
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