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Old 03-11-2006, 02:17 AM   #1
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regret HB User
made mistake, need advice

hello everyone,

I hope that someone can help me understand my husband. The story that leads up to the point where we are right now, is a fairly long one, so i will try to keep it as short as possible.

My husband was gone a lot because of various jobs a lot during our marriage. I had missed him and it hurt so badly that i retreated from him, up to the point where i "fell" for some guy online. I told my husband, cause i hate lies and cant live like that. It hurt him badly, after a while our money situation got really bad and he took a job in kuwait. (he now says he left cause he couldnt see me loving someone else) When he was in kuwait i told him i didnt love him anymore and that he needs to get on with his life and find someone else. He fought for me for a long time, even though he did have a girlfriend a couple months after i told him that.

He came back for a visit at x-mas, and that made me think after he was gone again and i knew i still loved him. By march i had broke off all contact to the other guy and i wanted to tell my husband i still love him, but couldnt bring myself to do it, guess my guilt and shame did their part. I was also afraid of his answer.

In may he came for a couple days and i told him that i love him, but his face was just...sad...blank...hurt...i dont know...he couldnt say it back to me. After he had left, he did call me and told me that he loved me and we talked every day online, i wanted him to leave the other woman, he kept making excuses why he couldnt get rid of her (she has no job, she threatened with suicide, etc) After a while he said she was gone and he wanted me to visit him so he could see it in my eyes. I came in august for 2 weeks, and during that time, we had a nice time together, but i felt there was something between us, like some wall or something..i couldnt pinpoint it. He even proposed to me again. I didnt want to leave again, felt if i did, i would loose him.

After i was back home, he didnt spend much time with me online, and i was desperate, trying to hold on to him. in october he told me he dont love me, he cant live a lie by telling me that he does. I told him i will start my own life then, he said, no...dont get a job, dont move, wait for me. So i did, but he talked less and less to me.

in december i broke down on the phone talking to him, and he said in a sad voice, cant you wait for me? i couldnt answer anything, then he said he loves me. I believed it, he was very sweet and loving with me online and on the phone during that time. Said things like, he was lucky to have me. 3 weeks later i wanted to hear his voice and called him, and he sounded very cold, i knew instantly what was up. Then i heard her voice in the background, calling him a player. My world broke apart again, for the third time. At this point my depression was taking over, and i had lost all control over my emotions.

At x-mas i went to visit my family with the kids and i broke down. My mom wanted to put me in a mental hospital, cause she saw i couldnt do it on my own anymore. My husband (whom we talked to on the phone at this time) said no, i am having her and the kids brought here to kuwait. He told my sister he would take care of me, he would get an apartment for all of us and his girlfriend would leave. He told me to think positiv and that we would talk when i get there. A couple days before i left i got a message from his girlfriend...telling me welcome home girl, and that she will be gone when i get there, etc.

When i got here, she hadnt left, he didnt let her, he lives with her, and i sit here with the kids alone in an apartment in a country where i know noone else. My depression is having a strong hold of me, and because i cant deal with it, i "bug" my husband all the time and cant leave him alone. I cant accept that he dont love me anymore, it wont register in my head and in my heart. He says he wants to stay friends, he dont know what the future brings, its not over yet, and that he still cares.

i tried to leave many times, he comes up with something new every time to push that out. Either its...something can happen until you leave, we dont need to talk yet, i dont have the money, i want you to get your permanent ID for over here first. I dont understand, he loves the other woman. Why does he want to hold on to me? I told him i would have a different way of getting out of here, if its only the money he is worried about. Told him someone was getting me a ticket to help me, he asked who...and i said a friend that is trying to fix his marriage. And all he said was, figured it was a guy. Like i have something with him or whatever. I dont, but even if i was, why would that bother him? He says he dont love me anymore, i just dont understand. He is the one now with someone else, not me. He also says things like, you are leaving me again, how can you leave someone that isnt with you? He says i give up too easily, i fought since may last year, to the point where i gave myself up and this is where i am at now. I dont give up easily, but i see no hope. He dont talk much, basically says those same sentences over and over. Says he wont raise the kids with her, but he will do it himself. I dont understand why he isnt happy that i am leaving, i know i am a pain in the *** right now to him. Shouldnt he be glad its gonna be over and done with, that he can live in peace with his new love? I dont understand, if he still feels for me, then why wont he let me get close enough to him, to help him overcome all that hurt. He says he wants to deal with things by himself, but he hasnt been able to manage that in almost a year, and things will stay as they are, why cant he just accept that its over, that he cant take me back, that if he dont love me, it should be easy for him to let me go and just do it. I dont understand, can someone please explain this to me? I made the clean cut, why cant he do the same? Why cant he commit to his decision to be with her instead of me? Why is he putting himself into this situation, where he has some depressed emotional woman on the one hand (me) and an insecure one on the other (her), she says she cant compare to his wife and she should leave...He could just live happily with her, if i was out of the picture completely. Please, someone explain it to me. Thank you, and sorry..it did get kinda long

regret

Last edited by regret; 03-11-2006 at 02:32 AM.

 
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Old 03-11-2006, 02:37 AM   #2
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Hiya HB User
Re: made mistake, need advice

I'm not sure why you say you made a clean cut. It doesn't sound like you've ever really cleanly cut yourself off from him. But It almost sounds to me like he's punishing you for falling for the other guy online and for "leaving" him when he was in Kuwait. He got you all the way over there for heaven's sake under the ruse of taking care of you, when all he's doing is making you more miserable and hurt by making you actually witness him living with this other woman. That's pretty sadistic, actually. He's pretty cruel and selfish and he's doing it mainly because you're letting him. Is there any way you can just come home? Why are you giving him all your power and letting him do all the decision making? If he truly wanted to work on the marriage and see if it can be saved, he'd get rid of the other girl, plain and simple, no excuses. He doesn't really want to salvage this marriage, I think he just wants to hurt you, and you're making it easy for him. I think you should take your kids and come back to the states, file for divorce and get on with your life.

 
Old 03-11-2006, 03:36 AM   #3
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Re: made mistake, need advice

i am already working on leaving, i just wanted to be able to understand. He was always a very loving person, and i cant believe that he would do all of this only to hurt me and to get revenge. I mean, why would it be so important to him to hurt me? When he could just let me go and forget about me. This is what i dont understand.

And yes, i have been letting him do that to me, for one cause i still love him, and i held on to hope and for the second, after what i did to him i deserve to get it all back. And i wanted to show to him that i can endure it just like he did. I guess a way of proving to him that he is worth it.

With clean cut i meant, i told him there was no chance, to get on with his life, while he says things like he dont know what the future brings, its not over etc. I know i never seperated from him in the way which is done normally...with divorce and all. I wasnt able to do that.

I know i have to leave and i am working on it with the help of a friend. My mom also got me an appointment at a doctors back home as well. I know this is the only way for me to get through all of this.

I just came here to see if someone could help me understand him. Because i just think differently than that, if i love someone i know i have to let the other person go, you cant hold on to everything in your life forever. You have to make choices. He thinks differently i guess, and i just dont understand that way of thinking. Thats the question i was trying to get answered here, i already know what i have to do, and what i am going to do

 
Old 03-11-2006, 03:54 AM   #4
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Re: made mistake, need advice

I don't think anyone can understand him or explain why he's doing these things. And that's not really the point anyway. You made a mistake that you were sorry for and tried to make amends for, but he has chosen not to save his marriage. That's all you need to know. It's not your job to get inside his head. I'm glad to hear you're not blaming yourself or willing to damage yourself any further by staying around and "taking it." This isn't what you deserve. This isn't what anyone deserves. Leave him to his own demons and move on as best and as fast as you can. Keep us posted on how things go for you.

 
Old 03-11-2006, 05:21 AM   #5
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: made mistake, need advice

regret, can you be more clear on just what "falling" for the online guy included?

 
Old 03-11-2006, 06:48 AM   #6
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regret HB User
Re: made mistake, need advice

@ Ruth

falling for the online guy included telling him that i love him and vice versa. It always included him and me spending many hours online daily, usually playing games or so. At times, yes we were on the webcam ..dont want to get into details. I never met him in real life though. Online is where it stayed

@ Hiya

well...the reason why i wanted to understand him, was because last time we talked, i told him i know that i disappointed him back then, that he never expected that from me, that he was thought i would never leave and his comment was, and now you are doing it again. I said i am doing what again? And he said...leaving me. I was the "bad" ond back then, right now all i am trying to do is what is right and what is best for everyone. And he thinks i am leaving him again? This is what i dont understand. Sentences like this is what i dont understand.

 
Old 03-11-2006, 07:32 AM   #7
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Re: made mistake, need advice

I'm sorry to say this and I'm not trying to be insensitive because I know you are hurt right now, but like the old saying goes "you reap what you sew"! You got involved with another man,pushed him away, told him to go on with his life,etc. You hurt your husband very badly over some phantom relationship on the computer. So he took your advice. He has moved on and now he is involoved with another woman. I know all about this because this is why my current husband and I are seperated right now! His preoccupation with women on the computer ruined our marriage! I kicked him out and I am getting ready to file for divorce. I too have gone on with my life. I met a great guy who I have recently started dating. And now my husband is "sorry" and wants me to reconsider taking him back! NOWAY will that happen! He made his choice when he was blatantly talking to other women in my own home right in front of me!! He was rude and totally insensitive to my feelings. So now, it's over! I deserve better than that......everyone does! So if you really love this man,back off and let him decide what he wants and if he can work out things with you or not. If so, you are lucky and should treat him like gold from now on. But if not, you have to let him go so he can be happy. After all, you pushed him into the arms of another woman. And I think that is what eats you up inside. However, all of us make mistakes. You can't beat yourself up forever over it. You need to ask for his forgiveness (if you haven't already) and then forgive yourself!! If he decides to take you back, then great! But if not, you need to understand and move on so he and you can find happiness once again. I want you to know that I am not judging you in any way and I hope that what I've said here don't hurt any feelings, but it's the truth straight up! When you hurt another person, it leaves deep emotional scars and I know from experience that it can be almost impossible to get over that! So you need to let him figure out things and give him the space to do it! Maybe you two can work things out eventually, but if not, like I said move on and let it go and learn from it. You will love again one day and hopefully appreciate that relationship enough to be faithful!

 
Old 03-11-2006, 08:46 AM   #8
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Re: made mistake, need advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Celestial_Kel
I'm sorry to say this and I'm not trying to be insensitive because I know you are hurt right now, but like the old saying goes "you reap what you sew"! You got involved with another man,pushed him away, told him to go on with his life,etc. You hurt your husband very badly over some phantom relationship on the computer. So he took your advice. He has moved on and now he is involoved with another woman. I know all about this because this is why my current husband and I are seperated right now! His preoccupation with women on the computer ruined our marriage! I kicked him out and I am getting ready to file for divorce. I too have gone on with my life. I met a great guy who I have recently started dating. And now my husband is "sorry" and wants me to reconsider taking him back! NOWAY will that happen! He made his choice when he was blatantly talking to other women in my own home right in front of me!! He was rude and totally insensitive to my feelings. So now, it's over! I deserve better than that......everyone does! So if you really love this man,back off and let him decide what he wants and if he can work out things with you or not. If so, you are lucky and should treat him like gold from now on. But if not, you have to let him go so he can be happy. After all, you pushed him into the arms of another woman. And I think that is what eats you up inside. However, all of us make mistakes. You can't beat yourself up forever over it. You need to ask for his forgiveness (if you haven't already) and then forgive yourself!! If he decides to take you back, then great! But if not, you need to understand and move on so he and you can find happiness once again. I want you to know that I am not judging you in any way and I hope that what I've said here don't hurt any feelings, but it's the truth straight up! When you hurt another person, it leaves deep emotional scars and I know from experience that it can be almost impossible to get over that! So you need to let him figure out things and give him the space to do it! Maybe you two can work things out eventually, but if not, like I said move on and let it go and learn from it. You will love again one day and hopefully appreciate that relationship enough to be faithful!
Maybe he does need his space, but she said in her earlier post that he WAS ready to give the marriage another try and moved her to Kuwait! Now he is still LIVING with another woman and making her WATCH IT!!! If you want to compare the weight of crimes and hurt, in this marriage, his far outweighs hers. His behavior proves he doesn't really want to try.
Regret, Move home, start divorce proccedings, consider thearpy and start healing your family. Maybe when your husband realizes you are serious he will decide he too wants to save the marriage, if not will you knew the difficulties going in.............

Last edited by eve40; 03-11-2006 at 09:41 AM.

 
Old 03-11-2006, 09:29 AM   #9
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Re: made mistake, need advice

I too think he's been hurt and wants to hurt you back. I also think he wants to keep you on the sidelines "waiting for him". He asked you to do that, then he moved another woman in with him.
Quote:
in october he told me he dont love me, he cant live a lie by telling me that he does. I told him i will start my own life then, he said, no...dont get a job, dont move, wait for me.
I think he saw that you were ready to move on, so moving you to kuwait is his way of guaranteeing that he can keep you on the side and force you to wait, just in case he gets tired of this other woman.
The comments he makes when you try to leave sound like a broken record because they're meant to make you feel guilty and keep you there. The love is gone. What's left is a tug of war. You're trying to start over and he's saying he doesn't know what the future holds and it's not over yet. He still cares, yadda yadda. But sweetie, it is over and he's put you in a terrible position.

I can understand his anger at your cheating. I can even understand him wanting to get back at you. Sometimes it's just human nature. But what he's doing to you now is just plain cruel. His revenge has gone too far.

 
Old 03-11-2006, 09:44 AM   #10
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Re: made mistake, need advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by cookiepls
I too think he's been hurt and wants to hurt you back. I also think he wants to keep you on the sidelines "waiting for him". He asked you to do that, then he moved another woman in with him.
I think he saw that you were ready to move on, so moving you to kuwait is his way of guaranteeing that he can keep you on the side and force you to wait, just in case he gets tired of this other woman.
The comments he makes when you try to leave sound like a broken record because they're meant to make you feel guilty and keep you there. The love is gone. What's left is a tug of war. You're trying to start over and he's saying he doesn't know what the future holds and it's not over yet. He still cares, yadda yadda. But sweetie, it is over and he's put you in a terrible position.

I can understand his anger at your cheating. I can even understand him wanting to get back at you. Sometimes it's just human nature. But what he's doing to you now is just plain cruel. His revenge has gone too far.

Way, way to far.

 
Old 03-11-2006, 01:26 PM   #11
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Re: made mistake, need advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by cookiepls
I can understand his anger at your cheating. I can even understand him wanting to get back at you. Sometimes it's just human nature. But what he's doing to you now is just plain cruel. His revenge has gone too far.
Exactly. What does he think you are "leaving?" You're there, trying to work things out, and he's living with another woman!! How are you supposed to work on your marriage when he's still living with another woman? If he were really serious and sincere about working on the marriage, the very first thing he would is get rid of her. The fact that he refuses to is all the proof you should need to know that he isn't really interested in getting you back or working on the marriage. All he wants to do is manipulate, hurt and confuse you. His whining about you leaving him again is nothing more than a manipulation, a mind mess.

 
Old 03-12-2006, 11:54 PM   #12
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regret HB User
Re: made mistake, need advice

hi everyone,

thank you for all your replies. I just cant think that he would do all of this just to hurt me back. I do believe he genuinely still cares for me. I dont think he is acting any of this. I know i have hurt him tremendesly, he said i tore his soul out, i also know he does not feel for the other woman what he felt for me. For instance, he calls her ***** all the time. At the moment he is going insane because her and me both keep telling him we want to leave. He is sad that i want to leave, after all the crap i put him through since i gotten here, he should have enough of it and say "fine, just get the hell out of here", but he doesnt. I cant believe he is doing all of this for revenge. There probably is something inside of him, that wants me to feel what he felt, but i dont think this is all about revenge. Why would he put himself through all of this, to the point where he says, i should just f***** disappear, i am in the middle of all of this. I think he is not ready yet to come back, because it still hurts him too much, the wound is still open. I dont know if it will ever go away, he says he has to deal with this on his own. He has always said it has nothing to do with the other woman that we are not back together again. I just cant believe that its all revenge, he wouldnt act like that. I dont believe he is the kind of person that could do something like that. I know to you all i should just move on and forget about him. And yes, the fact that i am at fault at this, keeps me holding on, because i dont want to make another mistake that i will regret later on. I dont want him to think i am leaving him for a second time, that i am giving up on him. I would wait for him for as long as he wanted me, if i knew that this was what is eating him up still. Its hard to talk to him about it, very rarely does he let his guard down enough to talk to me quietly about it. I destroyed a once proud and strong man, i would give anything to see him like that again. The other woman, dont even know him really, she has never seen the man he was before all of this. I know i keep pushing it out that i leave, i just want to be certain that is the right thing to do. I dont want to make another mistake...

 
Old 03-13-2006, 07:57 AM   #13
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Re: made mistake, need advice

In all this I see lies, manipulation, a fondness for needy women, control, contradictions, and confusion.

You wanted him to leave the other woman and he made excuses why he couldn't. Few men stay unless they really want to.
You went to see him for 2 weeks and you felt like there was something between you, like a wall, even though he proposed to you. It was more likely the other woman.

In October, he tells you he doesn't love you and can't live a lie by saying he does. Then in the same breath, he tells you not to get a job, or move, but to wait for him.

In December, he says he loves you. Why? Because once again, he wanted you to wait for him, just like he did before when he said he didn't love you. He was all sweet and lovey dovey.
Three weeks later, he turns cold and you hear another woman's voice in the background.

At Christmas, your mom is obviously very worried about you. Sees that you are in need of serious help and wants to put you in a mental hospital.
Your husband instead brings you to Kuwait. Not the way to help someone who's seriously depressed.

He tells your sister he'll take care of you and his girlfriend would leave. Didn't happen.

He just says to think positive and the two of you would talk once you got there. Didn't happen.

So now, after getting you into another country, he says he wants to stay friends.
Then turns around and says it's not over yet and he still cares. What the hell!???

He gives you various lame excuses why you shouldn't leave.

He continuously lays guilt trips on you with his comments, yet he feels no guilt to continue what he's doing.

Once again, he says he doesn't love you anymore.

He keeps saying he wants to deal with things himself, yet he's still doing nothing.

These are all the major points you made. You want to be certain that it's the right thing to do. That you don't make another mistake. The only reasons you've given so far for staying, is that you love him, guilt for your past action and the hope that it's just pain that's stopping him from coming back. What do you think? Would it be a mistake to leave this oh so wonderful life he's given you in Kuwait?

 
Old 03-13-2006, 09:43 AM   #14
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Destea HB User
Re: made mistake, need advice

How are your children coping with all of this?

Truthfully I think they should be your first priority in a situation where your husband is dragging you through the mud to guilt trip you into living near him so you and the kids can watch him have his life with another woman.

They must be having a very hard time... this isn't a very stable situation.

 
Old 03-14-2006, 07:55 AM   #15
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regret HB User
Re: made mistake, need advice

@Destea

my kids had a very hard time with it in the beginning, as they were hoping that they were getting their family back. By now they have arranged themselves with the situation. I understand for a mother the children should be priority one, my children are 17 and 15, not small children anymore. And they are very important to me, but i also know that i cannot just live my life for my children, in a few years they will be on their own. And if i just up and run because they might have a better life in some other country just for their sake, then i would be untrue to myself. I have to live with myself and myself alone for the rest of my life, not my children, not my husband...or anyone else. I have to be able to live with the decisions i make, not anyone else. I am doing the best i can for my kids, even though i suffer from a depression, that i will hopefully soon get help for. And neither the kids nor me have ever seen this other woman in person, he doesnt flaunt her in our faces. Even if i were to leave to get help and the kids would stay here until i am better, he said he would raise the children during that time on his own, she would not be there. She would keep her own apartment and live there.

@cookiepls

it is somewhat strange, that everyone automatically sees the bad in a person, he is manipulative...etc. How come noone could actually consider that he did get hurt in all of this? That he did loose his trust? That he was the loser in the original incident. And then when that happened what he had wished for, for a year and a half, actually happened and he found himself not being able to deal with it? Why cant all of this not be a possibility? Why does it automatically have to be that he is doing this to f**** with me? If everyone thinks like this, then i think i understand why the divorce rate in the states is so incredibly high. Noone even tries to fix anything, noone ever tries to understand or give a person time to heal...its always either or...black or white...no shades of gray. Automatically when someone is with someone else, the marriage is given up. I have been married for 18 years now, and he never thought about filing for divorce when i did any of this to him. Can anyone tell me why he didnt? When he was already with this other woman? Before i came back to tell him i still love him?

I came here to try to understand my husband, it had never crossed my mind to think of all the bad things that i have seen mentioned here. The way some of the posts sound, its like he is the most aweful person on the face of this planet. Only out to hurt and to mess with ppl's heads. If he was that kind of person, i dont think i would have been married to this man this long, and i dont believe a person can change that drastically from the person he was before, into this....monster...that he is being portrayed as.

He must be one hell of an actor, to play all the sad faces, and he must also be an emotional masochist, since all the emotional bull from me and his gf are really getting to him badly. Since we both want to leave, just to end this situation somehow. Its not like he is sitting there, having a laugh at her and me, when we go "whining" to him. He is very sick at the moment, he has been sick very often in the past few months, this just shows how bad the situation is for himself as well. Sometimes when you are emotionally drained, it can have physical effects on your immune system. I could be wrong and he might have gotten all those things anyways. But i cannot believe that he is just acting all of this. And whats more, i cannot believe he would put his kids through all of this, just to get his revenge...He loves them very much.

He is human after all...not some evil monster. I dont believe he is acting, i wanted to find out what was going on inside of him, thought that maybe someone that had gone through something similar like this, could tell me what is going on in a person like that. Because i wanted to understand why he is acting the way he is. I cannot accept that he is the evil person he is being made out to be here.

Had my husband posted here two years ago, i am sure he would have heard the same things about me. And they would have been wrong, to a certain extent, yes...i do agree...i too wasnt ready to let him go, i too wanted him to hang on...even though i didnt tell him, because i thought it wasnt right to do that to a person. I told him to move on, but inside i didnt really want him to ever be gone all the way...today i know why...because i still loved him...somewhere inside of me. I cant explain it, if i could i dont think i would have done what i did. Sometimes we dont understand ourselves why we do the things we do. I was hurt back then...cause i always missed him, retreated so it wouldnt hurt anymore, it was not a consious thing i did...it just happened. I closed my feelings for him into a shell where they couldnt get hurt anymore, am i such a person for doing that too? Am i a bad person for unconsciously protecting myself? For a long time i thought i was, but i know today that i am not a bad person, i am still a loving and caring person.

For me to get over my hurt...it was easier than for him right now, because i wasnt betrayed by him, i just felt lonely. I am not really sure what it is he is waiting for, to see if he could let himself love me again...or whatever it may be. I dont know, but i know for certain, he is not an evil person. My gut-feeling tells me he still loves me, that he just cant get himself to let those feelings happen, it might be wishful thinking, i dont know. Thats why i was hoping to hear from someone who has been through this, so i could understand better what is going on inside of him, so i could understand why he does the things he does and says the things he says. A marriage of 18 years is not easily given up, so many years you dont just throw away like that. For me this is my entire adulthood. And you cant just walk out, without some answers that you can live with.

regret

 
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