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Old 03-26-2006, 01:13 AM   #1
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Is it wrong to love someone who hits u?

I had this boyfriend josh and all he did 24/7 was yell at me andblame me for stupid thingthat were not evan my fault and he would hit me quite alot , his mom is a idiot and so is his dad, so i think he got it from them. sometimes he could be nice but most of thetime me was mean and called me names like a ugly hor and after that when i tell him he hurt my feelings he would just say " so" . Now we are broking up becouse i broke up with him but hearing his vocie now always make me jump in exitment becouse i still like him and for some reason i still wanna be with him . (What should I do) HELP???????????

 
Old 03-26-2006, 03:25 AM   #2
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Re: Is it wrong to love someone who hits u?

Sweetie, what happened to you growing up that you don't think you deserve to be respected and treated kindly? Of course anyone who would lay a hand on you and call you names is a horrible person, and does not love you at all. No one deserves that! I think a lot of us have been there, feeling drawn to someone that in her mind we KNOW is not good for us. But whatever endearing qualities this boy may have do not and NEVER will make up for him abusing you. You have to let people you care about know, so maybe they can figure out a way to help you with your self-esteem. The whole point of a relationship is to be with someone who cares about you and looks out for your best interest. Somebody who hurts you, they don't love you. You have to love yourself enough not to let anyone get away with doing that. That was a very good thing you did, breaking up with him. Very strong. Now keep going in the right direction, and surround yourself only with people who will treat you kindly - the only people you need to concern yourself with.
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Old 03-26-2006, 03:52 AM   #3
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Hiya HB User
Re: Is it wrong to love someone who hits u?

Quote:
Originally Posted by tinkerbell06
I had this boyfriend josh and all he did 24/7 was yell at me andblame me for stupid thingthat were not evan my fault and he would hit me quite alot , his mom is a idiot and so is his dad, so i think he got it from them. sometimes he could be nice but most of thetime me was mean and called me names like a ugly hor and after that when i tell him he hurt my feelings he would just say " so" . Now we are broking up becouse i broke up with him but hearing his vocie now always make me jump in exitment becouse i still like him and for some reason i still wanna be with him . (What should I do) HELP???????????

I'm assuming that when you first started falling in love with this man he was all lovey dovey and the abuse and hitting didn't come, or at least didn't become so frequent, until he was certain that he "had you." When we fall in love, our body produces chemicals, seretonin and oxytocin, and they make us feel good, warm and fuzzy and comforted, and they reduce stress. That's why falling in love feels so good. I think it's pretty easy to get addicted to that feeling and how those chemicals make us feel. That's why it's so hard for some of us to control who we love. I wouldn't say it's "wrong" per se to love someone who hit you, BUT it IS wrong to remain in a situation that is unhealthy for you. You can love him all you want to, as long as you understand that you deserve a life free of verbal and physical abuse and violence. You know this guy treated you poorly and you know you would be nothing but miserable with him. And you know you cannot be in a happy, healthy relationship with him, and you know you deserve a happy, healthy relationship. Don't beat yourself up too much over your feelings that seem to come over you like a knee-jerk reaction. It's what you do with those feelings that's important. Acknowledge them, honor them by accepting that you are a loving, forgiving person who cared about this guy, but also honor yourself and acknowledge the strong, sane, self-protective, smart part of you that dumped him, knowing that even though those feelings are still there, dumping him was indeed the right thing to do. In the meantime, get out and enjoy your life, shake it up, have fun, meet new people, and the more guys you meet, the more you'll realize what being treated right feels like, and that urge to go running back to the comfortable and familiar for convenience's sake will dwindle.

 
Old 03-26-2006, 07:39 AM   #4
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Re: Is it wrong to love someone who hits u?

Hes not so bad now we have broken up , he is always askin if i need anythin and always there if i need him and i know he wants me back because he keeps asking, but thats what makes it so hard to leave when he doesnt leave me. When we first started out he was great and then it just went downhill, he has got a real bad temper on him and thats the thing im afraid off, all i know is i wanna be withhim but not get all the abuse thrown at me, im gonna meet him tonight and we are gonna talk and see how things go.

 
Old 03-26-2006, 07:43 AM   #5
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Re: Is it wrong to love someone who hits u?

Quote:
Originally Posted by tinkerbell06
Hes not so bad now we have broken up , he is always askin if i need anythin and always there if i need him and i know he wants me back because he keeps asking, but thats what makes it so hard to leave when he doesnt leave me. When we first started out he was great and then it just went downhill, he has got a real bad temper on him and thats the thing im afraid off, all i know is i wanna be withhim but not get all the abuse thrown at me, im gonna meet him tonight and we are gonna talk and see how things go.

This is the typical pattern with abusers, and please make no mistake, this guy is an abuser. When they feel they are losing you, they either amp up the abuse, and if that doesn't work they pull out the crocodile tears and the "I'm sorry's". But I seriously doubt this guy will change without therapy and counseling. I would make that a condition of getting back together with him, if I were to even entertain the notion, which I probably would not. Life's to short to spend it unhappy with someone who is he**-bent on making you miserable. I'm sure he'll make all kinds of sweet promises that he'll change, that he'll never be mean to you or be verbally abusive ever again, anything to get you back. But I wouldn't believe it until and unless he gets his hiney into therapy.

 
Old 03-26-2006, 07:06 PM   #6
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Re: Is it wrong to love someone who hits u?

Honey, No. Uh-uh.
First of all, is it wrong to love someone who hits you? WHAT IS TO LOVE? He abuses you!! For god's sake, if you are babysitting a kid with a dirty diaper, YOU CHANGE THE DIAPER. Girl, you got yourself a dirty diaper, don't you keep him around.... Change your dirty diaper! (That is the nicest way I can put what I want to say about this guy and not be banned by this board). NO ONE has the right to hit you, girl! I don't give a good dirty diaper what his parents are like! That is not your fault or your problem. Yes, it sucks for him, but it does not have to suck for you. You get some counseling and some self esteem and stop making excuses for this violent, useless half a man. Don't take dirty diapers in place of love because all you end up with is dirty diapers. Don't do it to yourself, girl.

 
Old 03-26-2006, 07:20 PM   #7
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SweetHome HB User
Re: Is it wrong to love someone who hits u?

No there is nothing wrong with loving someone who hits you... You just got to love yourself more.

I have been there and when you become attached to someone and care for that person it is hard to just get over the feelings. But you have to do it....

There is no changing this guy, you are not safe until you get away from him and get strong. I know that it is scary and it is hard, but you got to do it.

I not telling you something I read on a website, I know what you are going through only because I went through it.

 
Old 03-31-2006, 10:14 AM   #8
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Re: Is it wrong to love someone who hits u?

I cant belive i even thought of getting back with him , i went to a party last saterday, turns out he was there too , i didnt know he was gonna be there. I didnt get drunk , mayb a bit typsy but i knew what i was doing. He was flirting with girls all night which i know was really getting to me, he was s****** this one girl in front of my eyes and he knew he was getting to me , so i just walked out, on my own and left the party.
On my way home he caught up with me, he was askin how i was blah blah blah, i admit i was ****** of with him and he knew it, it was pich black and no one was about , he asked me back out , i surprised myself and turrned him down, and he was shouting at me saying that i was a **** , i knew he was getting abgry so i tryedd to outwalk him and he hit me real hard, i could tell he had wey to much to drink, and he pinned me down i screamed and tryed to get him of me but he carried on and forsed himself on me. i was really scared and after he walked off and asked if i was coming back to the party and then walk of and left me. Eversince he has been makin threating phonecalls sayin that if i dont ryply he will do it again, so i did and told him to leave me alone but hes not, he asked me out again. Im so scared im gonna bump into him , i havent been out since that day , iv been to scared nd that was like a week ago, hes been knockin on my door and everythin sayin that iv got to com out one day and when i do, its gonna be even worse, i dunno what to do , im so scared, i dunno if the easiest thing would be to just get back together with him and mayb he would then stop all this. im just really confused and scared.

 
Old 03-31-2006, 10:47 AM   #9
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SweetHome HB User
Re: Is it wrong to love someone who hits u?

The easiest thing to do is call the police and make a record of all this... Then go to your local Y or somewhere and take self-defense classes.

He can't do these things to you. Not only is it illegal - it is wrong!!

Please get some help...

 
Old 03-31-2006, 11:27 AM   #10
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Re: Is it wrong to love someone who hits u?

As soon as you will get back with him he will start beating and insulting you again, all his promises are nothing just to get you back. I've been there unfortinately. If man beat you once it always be another time.
Get rid of him, involve police if necessary, do not accept his help or be with him on any conditions.
It is very normal that he was nice at first up to the point he doesn't have to pretend anymore.

 
Old 03-31-2006, 06:55 PM   #11
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Re: Is it wrong to love someone who hits u?

This guy is harrassing you and abusing you. NO, don't go back to him! I'm afraid that you will have to get the police involved because you can't just live in prison at your own home like this. Either that, or you will have to move far away where he can't find you--he sounds like an abusive psycho. And what do you mean he "forced" himself on you--I hope it's not what I'm thinking If it is, you should report rape as well and put this guy behind bars. What a despicable jerk. He shouldn't be able to get away with all this horrible stuff.

Last edited by SophiaM; 03-31-2006 at 06:57 PM.

 
Old 03-31-2006, 08:38 PM   #12
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Re: Is it wrong to love someone who hits u?

stay away... far far away.. you dont need his bullpucky... abuse and harrassing are bad things... do not take him back

 
Old 04-01-2006, 02:03 AM   #13
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Re: Is it wrong to love someone who hits u?

Sophia is right, you must get the police involved. He battered and raped you, and both are against the law, and he can't get away with it unless you let him. it may seem like it would be easiest to get back with him, until the next time you say somethign he thinks is stupid, or you pick up the phone on three rings instead of two, or he's just in a nasty mood. Would it really be "easier" to live your life in constant fear of the next time he's going to hit you, batter you, until the day he finally kills you? This is the very reason why so many people say you have to love yourself before you can ever really try to love someone else. Someone who truly loved herself would have told this loser to take a hike ages ago and would have done anything and everything she had to to make sure he stayed away.

 
Old 04-01-2006, 02:48 AM   #14
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Re: Is it wrong to love someone who hits u?

I really dont want to get the police involved because i know he will flip and it would make the situation even worse , which i dont want, mayb soon he will get fedup and back down and leave me alone.
He wouldnt stop calling me last night and he knocked on my door but i didnt answer, he sent a letter through the door saying he has a surprise for me and he will be around mine at 5ish , im really scared, when ever i even think of him, i think hes gonna do somthing else to me. I wonder what he wants. i just want to be left alone, he knows what to do to scare me and its working. Im gonna have to face him later and im just gonna have to be friendly and nice so he doesnt flip. I just need to get away, which im gonna have to try and do. Im just really frightend , when we started out he never use to be like this, mayb deep down i desearve everything whichis happening , if i had done evrything he told me to from the begining non of this might not be happening, i dunno. Im just not coping very well at the moment.

Last edited by tinkerbell06; 04-01-2006 at 02:50 AM.

 
Old 04-01-2006, 03:03 AM   #15
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Re: Is it wrong to love someone who hits u?

Quote:
Originally Posted by tinkerbell06
I really dont want to get the police involved because i know he will flip and it would make the situation even worse , which i dont want, mayb soon he will get fedup and back down and leave me alone.
He wouldnt stop calling me last night and he knocked on my door but i didnt answer, he sent a letter through the door saying he has a surprise for me and he will be around mine at 5ish , im really scared, when ever i even think of him, i think hes gonna do somthing else to me. I wonder what he wants. i just want to be left alone, he knows what to do to scare me and its working. Im gonna have to face him later and im just gonna have to be friendly and nice so he doesnt flip. I just need to get away, which im gonna have to try and do. Im just really frightend , when we started out he never use to be like this, mayb deep down i desearve everything whichis happening , if i had done evrything he told me to from the begining non of this might not be happening, i dunno. Im just not coping very well at the moment.

I don't know why you feel like you deserve less respect from this guy than you do from a stranger. I'm pretty sure if someone you'd never met before did the things to you that this guy did, you wouldn't hesitate to call the police and to protect yourself.

You have what they call battered women's syndrome. You've been raped, battered and abused to the point where you're willing to take whatever he dishes out, willing to blame yourself for his anger issues and his demons, and refusing to protect yourself, huddled up in a corner just wishing on stars that he will magically just stop out of the blue. Honey, if it were only that easy. But if he feels he's getting what he wants, he will never stop. But you're right, calling the police will rile him up more, which is why it sounds like it has gotten to the point where you need to find a womens' shelter, a place where battered women go to be safe from men like him. But whatever you do, please dont' make the mistake of thinking you can make him stop by being sweet and nice and just doing whatever he wants. What you must understand is that he doesn't want to love you or be nice to you or have a nice, peaceful, harmonious relationship with you. He wants to hurt you, beat you, humiliate and control and degrade you. It makes him feel better about himself to do these awful things to you. His goal is not to be peaceful and happy with you. His goal is to cause you pain. and if you're nice and sweet and acommodating, he will find something to get mad at, and when you "fix" that, it will be something else. Because the finding fault and getting mad and inflicting pain on you is what he's after. It's a trap a lot of women fall into thinking you can solve this problem by just being what he wants you to be and being 'good' and finding that magic key that will open the door to all the answers and you will know how to be the woman he wants and he won't beat you anymore. That's never going to happen.

 
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