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Old 03-30-2006, 03:48 AM   #1
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should friends be given up if g/f is insecure?

hi again all....

would like your opinion on this...my ex and i are trying to work things out...things were going great, until this past week when she told me she could no longer date me if i were going to have a past trist person (i'll call her A) in my life even as a friend. A and i had a very brief "fling" when ex and i weren't together. one of those "no strings attached" like type of deals. it lasted for maybe 2 weekends. we have remained friends as we have common interests and have NOT "done anything" for over 2 months - neither of us want to or are interested.

at first ex was ok with me being friends until i mentioned i might ask A and her two roomies over to watch bball since ex was busy (originally invited ex over FIRST but she already had plans). then i get phone call saying ex can't date me any more because of A still being in my life...and how unhealthy it was for me to have people in my life that i've had intimate relationships with - past lovers but ended up being friends after time - and how i need to look at that. and WHAT AM I doing hanging out with some one that i am 9 years older than...ex says this isn't about her not trusting me but instead about drama that "these people" could cause and she doesn't want any drama but her gutt is telling her there would be drama with A...i tried to convince her otherwise, but to no avail.

she's afraid that if it were that "easy" (as she puts it) for me to have fling with A, who's to say i wouldn't end up in bed with A again when she wasn't around. she's afraid that A will cause drama like another ex of mine did who is now no longer a friend of mine (this ex friend convinced my ex that i was cheating on her a couple of months ago - WHEN I WASN'T...unfortunatley ex believed it and that's why we split up - previous posts from a while ago - yes i finally found out who was causing all this trouble - a so called friend of mine who is no longer a friend...).

so anyway she told me "let's take a few days to think about this" then talk....

do i give up my friendship with A? do i try to see if ex and i can compromise (like only meet A in a public place)?

thoughts/opinions/suggestions please because i'm really not sure what to do....

thanks and hugs! J~

 
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Old 03-30-2006, 03:53 AM   #2
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Re: should friends be given up if g/f is insecure?

well...what do you think? do you think your partner is being unreasonable? can you understand where she is coming from?
as a girl, i can understand where she is coming from...i dont think she is being that unreasonable...
you need to decide what YOU want more...girl A as a friend? or to make a go with things with your ex? if you want to make a good go of things with your ex then youd need to give up friend A in order to avoid any insecurities, distrust etc... which is more important to you?
out of curiosity, how long were you and your ex together? why did you break up?

Last edited by charlatans; 03-30-2006 at 04:07 AM.

 
Old 03-30-2006, 04:33 AM   #3
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Re: should friends be given up if g/f is insecure?

It would probably bother me too if I knew my boyfriend still hung out with somebody he had slept with. Asking your boyfriend not to see just simple friends would be kind of overbearing, but when you know he has been intimate with one of them, it makes things different.

Who means more to you, your girlfriend or this girl you had a fling with?
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Old 03-30-2006, 05:39 AM   #4
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ILYF HB User
Re: should friends be given up if g/f is insecure?

Well I know that I do not like it if my BFs EX even as much as IMs him with a new website she's found and thinks he'd like! I would be happiest if he never ever spoke to her ever again! Unfortunately they have some "business" that's not yet concluded that prevents a 100% cutting off of communication. Otherwise I would object to him ever speaking to her. I can certainly understand were your GF is coming from! Just put yourself into her shoes and reverse the situation...would you want her past lover coming over to watch the game while you weren't there? Doubt it!!!!!!!!!!!

 
Old 03-30-2006, 05:50 AM   #5
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Willapp HB User
Re: should friends be given up if g/f is insecure?

Yeah, it's unreasonable of you. You might think it sucks having to make a choice like that, but at the end of the day you chose to get with this 'girl A' when you were single, perhaps knowing that you might get back with your ex and it would cause trouble.

Even if you hadn't considered this, life is about making choices. If you value your second chance with your Ex more than your friendship with A, then tell her you've got to back off seeing her because you want to work it out with your ex. If not then enjoy being single again!

 
Old 03-30-2006, 06:39 AM   #6
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Re: should friends be given up if g/f is insecure?

I don't really think you should have to give up your friendship completely, I don't believe people should just ditch friends the minute they have a girlfriend. Your girlfriend needs to trust you. It's not like you cheated on her with this girl, you got together with this other friend when you were single, and we all have a past. Maybe compromise a bit, say you won't see her as much, or alone or something. In the title of our post it says " girlfriend is insecure" and to me that is a bit of a red flag, I just think it can be a slippery slope when people ask you to give up others in your life for them, I mean what next, will you have to give up any woman freinds you have, and then your guy friends as well? I guess it also depends on how important your friendships are to you. I would never give up a friend for my husband, to me my friends were around long before him./ Maybe I'm missing something here, but unless you cheated with this girl or this girl is constantly hitting on you or something, I think your girlfriend needs to relax a bit and have some faith and trust. As usual I'm in the minority I'm sure...

 
Old 03-30-2006, 07:32 AM   #7
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Re: should friends be given up if g/f is insecure?

You were intimate with this other girl.....now you want to "hang out " with her? And you expect your girlfriend to be ok with this? C'mon!! I think that it's completely selfish of you to expect her to be ok with that! She has a very valid reason to feel insecure about that! This is a girl that you slept with...you have seen her naked and know all about how she is in bed. And you want to push that in your GFs face? How would you feel if she had some guy hanging out at her house doing whatever and you knew the two of them had slept together? It's just wrong dude! You need to tell this other girl to get lost! It would be a little different if the two of you had not slept together, as I see nothing wrong with a guy and girl being "just friends", but you took it all the way with her and now it will never be the same again! You have a choice to make here. And if you ditch your GF, I seriously doubt that you will find another girl out here who will be ok with you hanging out with this girl!! If the two of you don't have any kind of feelings for each other really, and you just "slept together", what difference does it make whether you hang out with her or not? You're not going to lose anything, but you will lose your GF if you keep this up! It's your decision and no one can make it for you, but please respect your GF a little more than that and stop hurting her feelings by shoving this other girl in her face!

 
Old 03-30-2006, 07:55 AM   #8
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Re: should friends be given up if g/f is insecure?

Not unreasonable at all I agree with your ex I wouldnt put up with my man hanging out with any woman he had a past fling or whatever with and as the last poster said im sure it hurts your ex's feelings having this "A" woman around your ex will ALWAYS be thinking of you and "A" together as long as "A" is hanging out with you.I guess you need to decide whats more important to you having "A" or "EX" in your life.I also agree if this all seems unreassonable to you then you have your answer you have to do whats gonna be best for you.

Last edited by tnmomofive; 03-30-2006 at 07:56 AM.

 
Old 03-30-2006, 08:10 AM   #9
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Re: should friends be given up if g/f is insecure?

I don't think it's unreasonable of your girlfriend/ex to ask this of you. I also don't think this is insecurity on your girlfriend's part. Insecurity would be her having a problem with you being in a room full of pretty women. This situation with you hanging out with a past lover is obviously very insulting to your girlfriend. Not to mention the awkwardness that would undoubtedly ensue when the three of you hang out.

I'm sure you can make a new friend with common interests you haven't slept with. Then you'll have a win-win situation.

 
Old 03-30-2006, 08:12 AM   #10
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Destea HB User
Re: should friends be given up if g/f is insecure?

You slept with this girl roughly 2 months ago after you guys broke up? Ouch, I wouldn't want her around as a constant reminder either. How important is this fling-friend to you, really? Insecurity is one thing, not wanting someone around that slept with your boyfriend just a few months ago is another thing...

 
Old 03-30-2006, 08:43 AM   #11
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Re: should friends be given up if g/f is insecure?

I got the feeling that they were friends before they had the fling... a fling was just a fling, but if they have been friends for a while before that than I think it would be rather hard to just break up the frienship. If the frienship was just based on the fling, that I can see the piont I guess, but if there was a long standing friendship then I would think that is what the friendship is based on, not this fling that happened, it was probably just one of those things. I am good friends with an ex, and my husband is ok with it. He is also friends with a girl he dated for a few months, doesn't bother me. From reading this boards I'm figured out I"m a little different that most I guess. I guess you have to do what is right for you...good luck

 
Old 03-30-2006, 09:15 AM   #12
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Hiya HB User
Re: should friends be given up if g/f is insecure?

Yeah, I don't think it's an issue of insecurity either. I wouldn't be ok with some woman who had had sex with my man still hanging around him, especially when I wasn't there. To add insult to injury, in your original post, you said "another ex" which implied to me another woman you used to have sex with went to your girlfriend and told her you were cheating when you weren't, so now you are not even friends with this girl you used to sleep with, but then you refered to that person as just an "ex friend" so I'm not clear as to whether this person is an ex girlfriend, someone you used to sleep with, or just an ex friend who caused all that trouble, but if it was a woman you used to sleep with, it seems like there would be only one reason for her to do that, and that would be to break you guys up. I don't blame your girlfriend one little bit for being leery of this other ex lover of yours hanging around. She seems to sense that this other woman wants to cause trouble as well. I for one am a big believer in womens' intuition, and if she things this other ex lover will make trouble like the other one did, then she's probably right, and she's seeing something in A's behavior toward you that you're just not picking up on.

Whether you agree or not, whether you think she's being silly or insecure or not, it's obviously something she feels very strongly about, and this is one of those moments in your relationship where you have to choose her if you want to stay with her. Most long term relationships, you will find yourself choosing every day in some way to continue to be with and love this person. It's a choice you keep making, and you're going to have to make it again now.

 
Old 03-30-2006, 09:18 AM   #13
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Re: should friends be given up if g/f is insecure?

I can see what you're saying, but truth be told - and maybe I'm a little insecure about this sort of thing, who knows - even if they were friends for a bit before, if it escalated to sex and attraction I just don't see why a girlfriend would be comfortable about that (especially considering how recent the attraction was...! If it was 10 years ago who cares, but 7 or 8 weeks? ... ). She's right when she says it opens up the door for some drama, mostly because of how recent the encounter was... just seems weird to shift back to hanging out as buddies when you were ready to strip down and have some fun a few weeks ago. I wouldn't want her hanging out on your couch with you either lol.

I guess it does pretty much depend on how close you are to this friend, how long you've known her and how close you really want to be. It's about personal priorities. If your gf were asking you to drop all of your female friends then I'd see a problem, but... this one that you slept with a couple of months ago? I can kind of see where she's coming from... I'd probably request the same thing.

 
Old 03-30-2006, 09:54 AM   #14
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Re: should friends be given up if g/f is insecure?

You should never give anything up because of your significant other. You can give up your friend now, once ... but you can't keep losing your friends. Being in a relationship, 2 people have to support each other, as well as compromising the best you can.

 
Old 03-30-2006, 03:22 PM   #15
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Re: should friends be given up if g/f is insecure?

Yea, but it different when that person shared intimacy with that person. I would hate to have all of my bfs exs around, knowing that he has slept with all of them... I would feel disgusted, and what would they think too? Anyway.. just sharing what I think...

Figure out who is more important... if you want to be single than do not give her up.. .if you really love your ex... then do what is right.. How would you like her being all buddy-buddy with a guy she just slept with while you two were seperated. Not a good feeling huh?

 
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