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Old 04-03-2006, 09:06 PM   #1
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What's wrong with being unattached?

I see a lot of people who are understandably frustrated and upset about being unattached. Being engaged (and nope, I'm not pouring salt on your wounds, I'm just trying to put something out there), what is wrong with being unattached?

And why do people stay in a relationship that's abusive and neglectful?

 
Old 04-03-2006, 11:49 PM   #2
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Re: What's wrong with being unattached?

co-dependency!

 
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Old 04-04-2006, 12:50 AM   #3
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Re: What's wrong with being unattached?

I wouldn't stay in a relationship that is abusive. Rather, it is better to be happy than tp be with someone who chokes my spirit.

 
Old 04-04-2006, 03:43 AM   #4
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Re: What's wrong with being unattached?

I've been unattached since last summer, and it feels great. Right now, I don't desire a relationship, nor do I have time for anyone. When I'm not working, there's always laundry and things to do around the house. I have pets. I assist a couple of family members. My son and I get along great, so I don't want to spend my weekends away from him. Being in a relationship drains one emotionally.....look at all of us 'complaining' about them. I don't need anything else on my mind or in my schedule.

 
Old 04-04-2006, 05:54 AM   #5
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Re: What's wrong with being unattached?

Quote:
And why do people stay in a relationship that's abusive and neglectful?
I think it has a lot to do with inertia. I know I've stayed in relationships long past the expiration date just because I was so used to the person, and had gotten so comfortable with them that I could not imagine would it would be like to be on my again. And staying with someone who was not too good for me seemed preferable to going out into the unknown, and meeting new people. A lot of people are just so scared of change...even when they know it will more than likely be positive.
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Old 04-04-2006, 06:08 AM   #6
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whackedback HB Userwhackedback HB Userwhackedback HB User
Re: What's wrong with being unattached?

My guess is "Misery loves company."

wb

Last edited by whackedback; 04-04-2006 at 06:08 AM.

 
Old 04-04-2006, 06:30 AM   #7
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Re: What's wrong with being unattached?

There's nothing wrong with being unattached, just as long as you're not afraid of attachment. What I do disagree with is the idea that a relationship is emotionally draining. I think people who've had bad experiences too often generalize about relationships when the real problem was the people they were with. That's like saying all jobs are lousy just because every job you've had was lousy. Despite having bad relationships in the past, I remain hopeful and choose not to think of relationships in general as being bad or emotionally draining. At the same time, I would never choose to be with someone just because I was afraid of being alone.

 
Old 04-04-2006, 06:46 AM   #8
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Re: What's wrong with being unattached?

If you had asked me this a couple of years ago, I would probably say there's nothing wrong with it. I got so used to being by myself, concentrating on my career and hobbies etc that I rarely thought about finding someone, although I still felt lonely and useless at times.

Looking back now I really wish I hadn't let so many years pass by, about 6 -7 years ago was my last serious relationship. I'm nearly 34 now, and finding someone at this age seems even more difficult, I'm not sure why..I was a lot more active/social back then, so maybe that's why.

My point is, if you allow enough time and if you keep yourself occupied I think you will reach a stage like me where you become perfectly content being unattached, it becomes very easy..and you may even push people away if you do feel them getting close.

I have regrets now, not big ones..but regrets nonetheless. If I could go back, I would do things much differently. There's no reason why I couldn't have concentrated on my career and everything AND kept looking for someone. Time can breeze by so fast, and so easy if you allow it. My biggest fear is that one day I will be 60 or 70 years old, alone and forgotten about. I'll look back and wonder where all the time went, why I never got married, or had kids..that scares the hell out of me.

I refuse to become used to the idea of being alone. Life is way too short, and I plan to hang onto my drive to find someone special, because I'll never feel truly complete or happy without that. Love is the most amazing thing we can experience, nothing else compares to it in my opinion.

Last edited by RogueFoxUK; 04-04-2006 at 06:47 AM.

 
Old 04-04-2006, 06:49 AM   #9
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Re: What's wrong with being unattached?

Out to Lunch, I guess you're right. I should say, relationships CAN be emotionally draining. That HAS been my experience. Then again, with so many people on message boards, it sounds like a lot of people have unhappy relationships. I'm glad that I feel I don't NEED to be with a man.

Last edited by Hangin in There; 04-04-2006 at 06:51 AM.

 
Old 04-04-2006, 07:15 AM   #10
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Re: What's wrong with being unattached?

If there is a choice to be unattached or in a bad relationship is better be unattached.
People stayed in bad relationships 'cause of kids, financial dependency and so on.

 
Old 04-04-2006, 07:20 AM   #11
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Re: What's wrong with being unattached?

I think the grass always looks greener on the other side.
I try to convince myself that I am happy being on my own. I'm happy being single and able to do whatever I want without needing anyone's approval.
But really, I miss cuddleing
I miss having someone who actually cares about what I do. I don't care what anyone says...Its more fun planning a future with someone than it is planning a future by myself... I rather make sacrafices and comprimises in order to share my life with someone rather than to be selfish and do as I please. Although I keep trying to convince myself otherwise...
Maybe some day I'll feel differently, but that will only be because off bitterness from getting hurt one too many times.

Honestly, there is nothing wrong with being unattached... But there is also nothing wrong with wanting to be attached and feeling lonely because you're not.
For women, I think hormones also play a role as well. The are certain times in the month when all I have to do is see a baby, or even a pregnant woman and I start to cry (haha-what a nerd I am!). I think its genetic or something... I was born to be a wife and a mom and I won't feel complete until I am. Don't get me worng, I also care deeply about my education, career, and other relationships. But, I know that alone won't be enough for me and its scary to think that its really all out of my hands.

Plus, us women constantly have that damn clock ticking in the back of our minds...
And if we don't here it, there's always a lovely family member to remind of us it...
My cousin just had a baby girl and the other day my mom was going through all of the baby things that she has collected throughout the years.
I asked her what she was doing and she said "well, I think I'll send this to (my cousin) since I won't be having any grandchildren any time soon"...
Geez, I'm not even 26 yet!!! Mothers....

Last edited by Murray67980; 04-04-2006 at 07:23 AM.

 
Old 04-04-2006, 07:51 AM   #12
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Re: What's wrong with being unattached?

there is absolutley nothing wrong with being unattached. If someone is happier unattached then they need to be unattached.

Sometimes I think people bend to the pressure of society to be "coupled", and some people are co-dependent, and there are some people who just want and need to be loved and to love in return.

 
Old 04-04-2006, 08:54 AM   #13
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Hiya HB User
Re: What's wrong with being unattached?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fabat40
I see a lot of people who are understandably frustrated and upset about being unattached. Being engaged (and nope, I'm not pouring salt on your wounds, I'm just trying to put something out there), what is wrong with being unattached?

And why do people stay in a relationship that's abusive and neglectful?
Regarding the issue of why people stay in abusive or neglectful relationships, if you really are interested in knowing the answer to that, there's an excellent book called Men Who Hate Women And The Women Who Love Them by Dr. Susan Forward that explains it all. It's a very well written, thoroughly researched book that took a lot of unwarranted ribbing, but it all makes perfect sense. In a nutshell, women who find themselves in abusive relationships usually come from abusive homes where they witnessed their father beating up on their mom, or vise versa, and they identified with the abused parent. Sometimes they themselves are abused, either physically or sexually, emotionally or a combination of the above, by a parent, a family member, a teacher, a neighbor, or someone. They then come to view the world that way. they 1) don't believe anything else really exists, and 2) if it did, they don't believe they deserve any better. They also get caught in a cycle of wanting to return to the past in order to fix it. They pick a man who is just like dad, who beats them, yells at them, abuses them just like dad did, and they subconsciously think that if they can get this man to love them, then it's like getting the love from the father they never could win over. They can prove to themselves that their love is "good" and worth something, that their love is something someone actually wants, and it wasn't their fault after all that dad/brother/uncle whoever abused them, because see, here's someone just like dad/brother/uncle whoever, and I got them to stop abusing me and I won them over, so I'm not so bad after all. It's a very complicated dynamic, and I'm sure I've given you much more than you probably wanted to know, but there it is.

As for what's so wrong with being unattached? It depends on the quality and duration of the unattachment. Statistically speaking, the Journal of Sex Research says doctors from Georgia State University found that folks who are involuntarily celibate are frequently afflicted with feelings of anger, frustration, self-doubt and even depression -- all invariably linked to living without sex. According to psychological science, handholding is an important de-stressing tool. When a married woman under extreme stress reaches out and touches her husband’s hand, her brain shows changes in areas involved in registering emotional and physical alarm. Women get significantly more relief from a husband’s touch than from the touch of a stranger. The ones who get the most relief are those in particularly close marriages. When you are alone, you don't get to de-stress as well. And the Mayo clinic just came out with saying statistically, people who are happily married live longer than do their single counterparts. They have lower rates of heart failure, cancer and other diseases and develop tighter networks of emotional support. According to one Harvard University study, married women are 20 percent less likely than are single women to die of a variety of causes, including heart disease, suicide and cirrhosis of the liver.

But I think you can answer that question yourself if you don't buy the scientific data of loneliness. For a consecutive 48 hour period, make a mental note, as it happnes, every single time you hug, touch, caress, kiss, make love with, or in any other way come into physical contact with your fiance and make a mental note, as it happens, of how it feels, what happens to your tension and stress and any anxieties you may have been hanging onto from the work day or whatever. Also make a mental note, as it happens, of every time you speak to, look into the eyes of, laugh with, or otherwise communicate with your fiance, and as it happens, make a mental note of what you're communicating about, whether it be him making you feel better about something bad that happened or you getting the satisfaction of nurturing by doing the same for him, or making the wedding plans and feeling the excitement of planning out your future, etc. and how it feels and what you're getting out of it, physically, physiologically, mentally and emotionally. Then make a mental note of every time you have a thought about your wedding day, the dress, the music, the food, or if you're going simple, the justice of the peace, the license, how you're going to go about it, the honeymoon if there will be one, all the plans, and what it will mean for the rest of your life, and how you feel about it. Then remind yourself "there are people who have gone their entire lives without having any of this, who have never once in their lives experienced any of this, and never will." Then ask yourself again what's so bad about being unattached and you will have your answer.

Last edited by Hiya; 04-04-2006 at 10:39 AM.

 
Old 04-04-2006, 10:12 AM   #14
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Re: What's wrong with being unattached?

there is nothing inherently wrong with being unattached, or being attached for that matter. i'm imagining your question is actually more rhetorical than literal. maybe you're asking why the people who are unattached THINK that there is something wrong. in that case, i can only say what i always say: that the situation is mostly defined by the individual's perception of it. negativity and bitterness perpetuates itself. i feel somewhat privileged to live each day the way that i do, alone or not, but i know that chronic depression can shade that view for others.

 
Old 04-04-2006, 10:26 AM   #15
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Re: What's wrong with being unattached?

Sometimes women stay in abusive relationships because they love the guy.
Because it's not awful all the time.
Sometimes they stay not because they were abused but because the person who is abusing them was abused - and the woman hopes that her love will change the person she is with.
None of this ever changes the fact that she should leave.
She knows that - and she will stay until she does finally leave - or until she is beaten so far down that she cannot.

 
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